Dad Had An Affair
I found out that my dad has been having an affair for the past 6 months, but just ended it. He is 62, and says he is sorry and hasn't ever done this before. He has no intention of telling my mom. I will be visiting for Christmas, but have no idea how to act normal around the two of them. What do I do?
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---Grace on 12/9/10
Helpful Blog Vote (5)
pray hard that God will give you the spirit of forgiveness.submit to God what burdens you.Let God convict your father.
talk to your father about the affair and ask about his plans.telling your mother about what happened will add fuel to the fire mostly when your father decided to change.for all i know-"what she do not know wont hurt her"..if your father cease to change and try to continue with the affair-i think its time for your mother to know this.continue praying for God's direction to your father
---mj on 12/21/10|
\\A few people at CNet show charity to other bloggers, and others show charisma in there responses. but, i am not to crazy about charismatics, who put the gifts before the fruit.\\
The word "charity" comes from the Latin word "caritas" (dearness), which is not etymologically related to the Greek word "ChARIS".
---Cluny on 12/21/10|
//Actually, it's GREEK for grace.//
you are correct. sometimes my fingers do not do what my brain says.
some common uses...
A few people at CNet show charity to other bloggers, and others show charisma in there responses. but, i am not to crazy about charismatics, who put the gifts before the fruit.
---aka on 12/16/10|
time out everybody. show some mercy to Grace and her father. we know very little of the whole situation, and ANY judgment that you have will come back to you. Christ said it will come back to you.
please, those of you without sin, cast the second stone. the first was already released.
---aka on 12/16/10|
Priests and other clergy are trained in dealing with other people's problems, and keeping their confidences. Secondly, they CHOOSE to take on this burden.
This is not generally the case of laymen - if someone confides in me a terrible secret and then demands that I keep it for him - that is a burden I neither need, nor want, nor consented to accept.
---StrongAxe on 12/16/10|
Any parent that puts the SECRET of THEIR SINS onto their children is self-absorbed and irresponsible
Confront your father and demand he make this issue known to your mother so YOU are not burdened with keeping his unfaithfulness from your mother
how sad when anybody today EXPECTS OTHERS to keep a secret so they can live their lies deceit - YOU are not responsible for your father's LACK of integrity
if it were me I would make plans to spend the holidays with friends understanding how unlikely your father will want to RESTORE his marriage
TIS the merry xmas season of divorce lies lies lies and coverups
---Rhonda on 12/16/10|
\\charis is hebrew for grace\\
Actually, it's GREEK for grace.
BTW, Grace, you should remember that pastors, priests, doctors, and counsellors hear all sorts of horrible things all the time that they must keep secret and "act normal" around those who convey these confidences.
If they can, so can you.
---Cluny on 12/16/10|
If you will recall, after the flood, Noah drank too much wine and fell asleep naked in his tent.
Ham his son ran out and told his brothers Shem and Japheth.
What was the result?
Perhaps this might provide a solution for the original poster.
---Cluny on 12/16/10|
This is said in love but it won't sound like it so.....
Grace if you know about this issue what makes you think mom doesn't? Just because she has not came to you doesn't mean she doesn't know. Wives are VERY perceptive about things like this.
If you want to talk to your dad about this do it in private. You might find out "what you know" is false. I hope so.
Otherwise this is really none of your buisness.
Once you confront your dad and let him know that you know then you can issue him the warning, "Do this again and I will let mom know."
Go visit and realize that you don't know how this is affecting your dad either.
Don't let this issue cause you to take sides. You will cause more harm than good.
---Elder on 12/16/10|
i agree. cover up to solve the problem will benefit no one.
but, forcing the issue can be just as destructive and ill advised.
char spoke good words when s/he said that Grace should give it back to her father. he might be trying to put the load of confession on her. OTOH, he may be trying to open up and relieve a little pressure to Grace so he can make a proper confession. He may be giving his daughter a heads up. We don't know.
Like char said, Grace, in any case, should give it back to him for right now.
(char - assumption female based on style of writing. anyway, charis is hebrew for grace and m or f, your answers are sometimes cryptic but usually very graceful.)
---aka on 12/15/10|
OK AKA maybe it's not a true statement. The point is this, when you advocate the cover it up forget about it kind of advice you're telling the person to ignore the core problem. You can say that you care, but when you see someone going down a road that seems right to them and leads to destruction and you don't try and influence that person you've said by your actions that you don't care.
Would Jesus agree with saying nothing, doing nothing? Didn't he confront sinners in their sin and illuminate the path that God approves? Of course he did and it has nothing to do with grace because your judging an action and not a person. Jesus said he judged no one, and while he was here he didn't but he wasn't content to leave people in their sin.
---Pharisee on 12/15/10|
//Everyone here looks at the sin as the problem, it's the result.//
if you read the blogs again, you might see that this is not a true statement.
---aka on 12/14/10|
I agree there's no reason to "tell the Mother" it's for the man to fess up. I told her to pressure him to do the right thing.
If this was me I'd deal with Dad, and skip Christmas if he didn't agree to spill and fix it, that's what I mean by pressuring. The man has to deal with defect, and they the deficiency there is in the relationship. Adultery happens in a snap, but not without predisposition to permit it. It could happen again if he doesn't walk in the light, or they continue in a diminished relationship and the wife pay for it anyway. Either way she's suffering, best to eradicate the problem and suffering upfront then string it out long term. Everyone here looks at the sin as the problem, it's the result.
---Pharisee on 12/14/10|
I doubt there is anyone on here who thinks they can outthink God. I gave the scriptures from the Bible of why the daughter shouldn't tell her mother but some here choose to ignore them. Here is more Proverbs26:20,22 Where no wood is there the fire goes out:so where there is no talebearer,the strife ceases. The words of a talebearer are as wounds,they go down into the innermost parts of the belly. There is nothing religious,Christian or good about telling things you know will hurt another person and may ruin their life forever. 1John 5:16 If any man see his brother sin a sin which is not unto death,he shall ask(pray) and he shall give him life,. Pray not tell. God can do it alone.
---Darlene_1 on 12/13/10|
don't ask me, ask God.
The Lord can reveal your father's sin in his own time.
Why don't you make a list of items in your folks marriage God is incapable of handling and act on those?
---larry on 12/13/10|
1 Corinthians 5:11 But now I have written to you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortionist, with such an one no not to eat.
Ephesians 5:11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.
Matthew 5:24 Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way, first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
---scripture on 12/13/10|
what makes you think that it will not be revealed by the father during the vacation? it, however, does not necessarily need forced at this time.
we have to follow God's lead and the unction of the Spirit. There are many examples of this not being done in the Bible with dire consequences.
Even if you do not care about what I think, I do care about what you think.
---aka on 12/12/10|
This is such a heavy burden to carry. I am sorry with empathy.
I will give my opinion but know it is just that.
Only Our Heavenly Father is perfect-Our earthy father sits in the same position we do when in the presence of God(children subject to error).You can ask your dad to sit with you in prayer before the Heavenly Father for counsel.
I don't know if he has asked you not to speak the truth to your mother or not. Express to him the burden(witholding truth) is not your nature and the burden-silence-is causing you.
you have a burden that is not yours to carry.I say give it back.
Your mother has Her own right to forgive.You have the right to speak-truth.
God is true-just and fair.
---char on 12/12/10|
I don't care who agrees with me, the scripture speaks in terms of marriage in 1 corinthians 7 saying "without no good thing," (truth is a good thing even when it hurts) and "defraud not one another." I don't understand why people think they can out think God, it's called holiness and were commanded to follow at any cost. If you compromise now over small things the curve that puts in your line will later corrupt everything you do and be harder to straighten. One sin is easy to confess and repent of years and years of them is a lot harder and more painful when the the truth finally comes out, and it will or do you not believe Christ when he said "there's nothing hidden that shall not be made manifest"???
---Pharisee on 12/12/10|
I understand what you are saying. but, shouldn't we let the Holy Spirit convict in time. Grace's job is not to force the issue. it is hers to heed the wounds. her father's confession to her shows that the Holy Spirit already has him on the right path back.
if i bring my faults and sins to you as a brother and you force me into something that i am not prepared for by the HS, how can we get along as a church body?
i know everybody knocks christmas and i understand. but, cannot we enjoy the time together, get to really know one another, and trust that God is the author of reconciliation during that time together?
---aka on 12/11/10|
Pharisee,I like most things you say but must disagree with this from a womans perspective. An older man needs to repent to God and change,not his wife. When men tell the wife they aren't doing her a favor but relievng their own guilt by hurting her,and she may forgive him,but will never forget it,especially at her age. It could well end in divorce and no woman needs to start over as a senior citizen. Older women often deal with anxity about their looks going and/or health issues and are already unsure of themselves. I don't claim to be wise enough to know what the real answer is but I'm old enough at 71,55 years of marriage,to know most older women wouldn't want to hear it and in that case they shouldn't have to.
---Darlene_1 on 12/11/10|
What I suggested was that she make her father to be accountable. Rightfully he should. If you hurt someone you owe it to them to make it right, part of that is dealing with what's in him that caused the sin in the first place and that can't be talked through if nobody's talking. I can't believe people are worried about ruining this idiotic holiday that has very little to do with Jesus. Repenting of your sin is not just not doing it again it's making it right where you can, and part of that is being honest for the sake of the value you have in the relationship, no relationship ever gets better when one hides a secret behind their eyes. It's foolish council to advise people to cover up their sin, nobody grows up in Christ doing that.
---Pharisee on 12/10/10|
Just keep quite! It would hurt your mom more if she knew that you knew and before her. I would have you encourage your dad to tell her-but after Christmas. (She may suspect something anyway.) But, don't you tell her anything.
---wivv on 12/11/10|
Grace, if you want to ruin this Christmas (and maybe many others in the future) by telling your mother, then go right ahead and spill the truth about what your father told you in confidence.
---Cluny on 12/10/10|
Stay out of it and hold your peace,don't hurt your mother and ruin her life. Proverbs 11:13 A tale bearer reveals secrets,but he that is of a faithful spirit conceals it. Proverbs 17:9 He that covers a transgression seeks love,but he that repeats a matter separates very friends. Proverbs 25:2 It is the glory of God to conceal a thing-. I always make it a practice not to tell things to anyone which I didn't experience myself because all things others experience in their lives belong to them therefore they are not mine to tell. Pray God will work this out in peace and love.
---Darlene_1 on 12/10/10|
As much as it's affecting you, there is a way to shed the indignation for what's been done to your Mother. Obviously you have to forgive your Father.
What remains is a moral dilemma. To tell or not to tell. It's easy for me to tell you to go either way, I'm not emotionally involved and don't know the person who could be potentially hurt by this. Nonetheless, in my own life I live by a code of honesty irrespective of the result, so my advice is always to impose that. The last thing to consider is if you're sure this will be the last incident. I don't envy your position, but I would pressure my Father to tell the truth.
---Pharisee on 12/9/10|
Act the same way you'd want him to act around your husband had YOU been the one to confess the affair to your father.
Act the same way you want Jesus to act around both of you.
And if you can't act this way, then DON'T GO!
---Cluny on 12/9/10|
Leave it up to your dad, you have no power to change or rearrange anything.
Talk to your dad and encourage him to make ammends for his mistake.
So go and be a source of stregnth for both your parents with the knowledge that all people make mistakes and need encouragement and understandig,,not judgement and condemnation.
Overtake the awkwardness with a desire to build and not tare down. God Bless, Paul
---paul on 12/9/10|
It may be hard to act normal around them, but I hope that you will try! If he says its over, and he is sorry, please let him try to mend and make up for what he has done.
---a_friend on 12/10/10|
We sin every day in the face of GOD but he never turns his face away from us.If your dad stop cheating on his own is bcuz he relized he was wrong and corrected it on his own.Thats A real man.Honor him for that.and no matter your age always respect your parents.
---Laura on 12/10/10|
If your parents are in their sixties, I am assuming that you are at least in your thirties.
Do you love your mom? your dad? this may be a chance to get to know your parents individually as people not parents.
God chose to be among us for our sake.
Was He "uncomfortable" because of humanity. No. instead He treats us with grace and so should you, Grace.
---aka on 12/10/10|