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Husband Doesn't Want Son

Husband has given me a choice between him and my adult son who asked to live w/us for 3 months due to a new job in our area. Hubby said no because it will interfere "with my life." Not a choice a parent should have to make. Kid is good, works, no drugs. I'm so hurt! What to do?

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 ---Kristy on 12/27/10
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Most of you who judge the husband should stop to think if the person, Kristy, is telling all of the truth. Many of you jump to conclusions because of something that happen to you. You have no idea what the real truth is, the only real truth is found in the bible only. Most who talk about abuse also do not give the whole story. Only their own feelings. Maybe the husband got fed up with all the demands of the wife. Or the wife doesn't love her husband and builds up an excuse. You people just don't know.
---Dan_the_man on 1/16/11


KarenD: Robyn does not like when you and I call her on her lies lack of Truth in her posts. She did the same to AlanofUK and me on another blog that got closed because of her venom. Now, she is doing it here. She can do no wrong, and it's all our fault.
---Trish on 1/16/11


KarenD: God bless you honey. You have nothing better to do than to focus on others posts. Mainly mine. Trying to start trouble and division among God's people. But guess what? I am too rooted and grounded in Jesus Christ to be bothered by an imposter like yourself. Go find an altar and throw yourself on it. And by the way, get saved!
---Robyn on 1/15/11


Just thought you all would love these two very conflicting statements that Robyn made.
---KarenD on 1/13/11

I think that many of us -- myself included -- have "said" or "done" or "thought" something that conflicts with what we meant or intended.

For me, that was idolizing the Catholic Pope. I would "think" and "speak" more highly of the Pope than I did GOD. Not good.

The Bible says that Nobody's Perfect!
---Sag on 1/15/11


Amen Donna66

Those are the only kind of ultimatums I can ever see to be given to a spouse.
Others I would say have to do with drugs or alcohol abuse and addictions.
They can destroy a marriage the same way adultery does.

But to give an ultimatum over an offspring? I think that is just a little harsh and needs christian couseling. Also somekind of comrpomise.
---ginger on 1/14/11




There times, VERY FEW times, when an ultimatum may save a marriage. For example, "You quit seeing (calling, sleeping with) "Suzie" or I'll leave. In no way does this rise to that importance.
---Donna66 on 1/13/11


I think everyone has something to contribute. Regardless of who they are. Saved or unsaved. Some of us are older and may be a tad wiser on some issues. But the young has a lot to contribute, as well. So it all evens out. But if I had to vote(for fun)I would vote for myself.....Of course. I thank God for CN>
---Robyn on 1/10/11


Kristy: Please do not listen to anything Ginger or KarenD has to say. I doubt if either one of them has ever been married.
---Robyn on 1/12/11

Just thought you all would love these two very conflicting statements that Robyn made.
---KarenD on 1/13/11


Kristy: Please do not listen to anything Ginger or KarenD has to say. I doubt if either one of them has ever been married.
---Robyn on 1/12/11

Excuse me, but I have and KarenD is still married and since when does that matter. I know God and I know his word. I have Christ in me, so she should listen if she chooses to.
And aparrently, you certainly have not been reading any of my posts or KarenD's.
We are having a discussion to get to a solution. So, either give suggestions or don't say anything at all. Stop trying to stir up strife.
---ginger on 1/13/11


Okay KarenD, I understand where you are coming from.

To be honest, I don't think this step dad would even allow few weeks simply because he gave his wife an ultimatum.

also would like to point out, her son will be homeles for a little while. You know as well as I it takes a little while to save up for a place to live.
And this is new job for her son. They may not allow for a moving allowance. Some jobs only give you a few days to pack up and move.
I am thinking he doesn't get a moving allowance because I don't think he would have asked if he did.
Still, this man giving his wife an ultimatum has got me totally out of sorts.
I don't see that as being fair right or just no matter what is between him and his step son.
---ginger on 1/12/11


Kristy: Please do not listen to anything Ginger or KarenD has to say. I doubt if either one of them has ever been married.
---Robyn on 1/12/11




ginger...No, I would never give my husband an ultimatum as we would have both agreed for a short stay rather than a three-month stay. The son in this question is not homeless as he has a job in the town where his mother lives. If he were to have asked to stay a couple of weeks the husband may have given a different answer. It appears as if there is probably a history with the son or the husband would not have set his foot down.
---KarenD on 1/12/11


KarenD,

Is there any reason you would give your husband an ultimatum?
No there should not be.
So from that we know he is being selfish.
One should never give their spouse an ultimatum. There should always be room for compromise if there is love there.
No where does it say that we can't help our children if they need it either. Helping them does not mean that the child is not an adult. It just means they need help.
Would you allow your adult offspring to go homeless?
What did Christ say about that?
You should examine what you are saying before you say it.
---ginger on 1/12/11


Another question asked without a full explanation. There is a reason this man did not want the son to live with them since the husband says the son will interfere with his life.

Our children do not remain children, hopefully. They should be adults instead of children. That's the problem in many households. The parents keep their kids children instead of letting them grow up and be on their own.
---KarenD on 1/11/11


Amen Donna66,
They both need to compromise. It should not have to come down to him giving her an ultimatum.
It seems the sife would be willing to compromise but according to the ultimatum he gave to her, the husband isn't.
I just think that is sad of itself.
To put ones marriage in jeopardy like that doesn't seem right and fair or just.
I would say draw up a contract that the son has to honor. And if he does not, then put him back out. Then both are satisfied and there is no harm done to the marriage.
---ginger on 1/11/11


I agree. There are many possible compromises, but SHE didn't mention any of them. They both need to give a little.
---Donna66 on 1/10/11


How sad to even have this debate. Children are always our children. When one marries another with children, those people have to be taken into consideration. The choice between husband and child should not exist..both have their place. If there is a valid reason for the son not to live with his mother and step father, the mother would be aware of this and maybe not have raised the question. I believe that where the child existed before the marriage, he/she has more rights to the parent he/she comes from. After all, you are a parent until you die and we help where possible.
---Dee_Harris on 1/10/11


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Donna66, I agree we should not generalize that fathers don't want their sons, because it is not true.

What caught my eye about this question was that the husband gave the wife and ultimatum over something like this. It strikes me as very odd.
It doesn't sound like she is willing to compromise but he isn't.
There should be some kind of it if he wishes to save his marriage. She should not have to totally give up helping her son to save her marriage. That to me is why I feel the husband is being unreasonable.
---ginger on 1/10/11


Ginger---As I said, all families are different. I never defended this husband for giving his wife such an ultimatum.
I WAS playing devil's advocate for the father whom I believe MAY have had a reasons beyond it just "will interfere" with his life.

When you digress (actually, I believe it was Robyn)saying
men don't care about their sons these days, that is unfair and untrue.

Fathers do not think nor act like mothers.
That's a generalization I'll stick with.
---Donna66 on 1/10/11


Again Donna66, you are wrong.
My step dad wanted all of us near. 1 daughter and 4 sons.
Momma pushed us all away.

The point about this blog is, this man has no reason AT ALL to give his wife an ultimatum like that.
Don't you find that odd?
I do.
Just because a son would be staying for 3 months.
He already has a job. The son's situation is different than mine was.
I see no problem with compromise and boundaries.
---ginger on 1/10/11


Ginger--- Individual families are, of course, different. My mother sounds rather like yours.

But men are often more "protective" toward daughters. Your step father was protective of you AND his grandchildren. Men are a little less likely to want to "protect" a son I think. My father surprised me (because he seldom expressed much affection) when he stepped in to protect me in a situation somewhat similar to yours.

Yet when it came to my brothers, no matter the circumstances, he always wanted them to be "tough" and self-sufficient!

Any thoughts from men, here?
---Donna66 on 1/9/11


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well couldn't this ungodly reason some talk about not be the soulconection between some? in many cases the mother-son relation is too intimate, (same as father-daughter) and many fathers see their wives changing when sweet son is around into a totally different woman.this is the same reason why fathers usually have problems with soninlaws, and mothers with their daughterinlaws. i believe much is because how we relate to our children. some have favourites, others are more close to the child then the partner. in this discussion much is related to this particular problem of not knowing the bounderies in a parent-child relation.
---andy3996 on 1/10/11


Ginger, I did not answer a personal question to convince you of anything. You want to stand on your opinion that is great. I'm not you so I would rather hear the whole case before I take a position or judge the husband, son or the person who asked the question. Your experience is different since you say your husband was abusive. I did give what I experience and what it did for us. You can take your own advice and make a judgment if you want. I cannot do that without more information.
---Mark_V. on 1/10/11


Donna66, I beg to differ. My mother did not want any of us near least of all me.
When she found out my son's father was beating me, she did not care. I asked her if I could come back home till I could find another place, she refused absolutely!
It was my step dad that made the move to move me back home. He said that he would not sit by and watch a child of his be treated like that.
Even though I was not his own flesh he loved me like it and would not see me nor his grandchildren as he considered them, go through such a trial.
Mothers don't always love their children best.
This man gave his wife an ultimatum which was not fair nor right at all. That is hard heartedness
---ginger on 1/9/11


Loving our children unconditionally does not mean always acceding to their wishes. I'm not saying this son shouldn't be taken back in, nor that as a mom, I wouldn't want to!

(Also I'm playing devils advocate here)
I do not think this interaction between fathers and son's is anything NEW. Tension between fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, has existed as long as anyone can remember. Baby-boomers and beyond have been much more "child-centered" than previous generations. And children now take on adult responsibilities much later than previous generations. I think it quite natural for fathers to "push" sons more.
(Why, when I was HIS age, I...). Mothers are more inclined to want their children near.
---Donna66 on 1/9/11


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Among the many symptoms of today's society as listed in 2 Tim. 3:1-5 is "without natural affection". This malady is prevalent today. Your situation is not rare. Do think your husband would leave if your son came for a while? What does he mean choose between them? Did your son leave home under trying circumstances? It's difficult to counsel without more information. How would it interfere with his life?
I will pray that agreement can be reached. Perhaps you could help your son find other accomodations for the three months.
---Lynn on 1/9/11


I sure agree with you Robyn. My husband is the result of a father who was unloving towards his son--but not his daughters--and it sometimes isn't too pretty! :( Boys sure do need their fathers as well as their moms.
---Mary on 1/8/11


Markv.
It is simple, she does not have to put up with that because he is simply in the wrong for giving her an ultimatum. If she were in sin it would be different but apparently she is not.
No Christain man does that.
They compromise in some sort of way.
He gave his wife an ultimatum!
If you love and are married to someone you do not do those things. And it does not sound like that to me.
One who gives an ultimatum like this is not in their right mind. Especially if they are married. He pretty much gave her walking papers for loving her child.
That is not love in my opinion.
---ginger on 1/8/11


I think ginger means that The Prodigal son tells us to love our children regardless and to let them come back whether they need our help or not.
The point of that Story is unconidtional LOVE that was shown by the father.
That is what it has to do with this conversation. Aparently, people don't have that towards their children anymore.
They don't want to compromise, they don't want to love. Just tell them to get out at 18 and don't come back. See it all the time.
---m on 1/8/11


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Robyn--In defense of men, I think (and not being a man, this is just my opinion),some men are just very anxious to make sure their sons "cut the apron strings". The more mom protests that she must step in to help..the more dad worries that somehow, because of her, son will not "become a man".

(Dad may be remembering that one of the worst taunts a young military recruit gets is to be called a "mama'a boy").

Let a real crisis arise... severe adversity, serious illness, catastrophy...most men rise to the occasion.
---Donna66 on 1/8/11


Why would he ask to live with you rather than rent a room or an apartment? Does he have no money?
---Eloy on 1/9/11


For some ungodly reason men are down on their male children these days. I see a lot of this. They resent the males in every way. If the son is close to the mom. God forbid! He begins to work on the mom. Trying to turn her against the son. Sometimes resorting to lies. Why is this? Young adult males need their parents too. Matter of fact, they may need their parents more, at some point, when they leave home. They don't have it all together,yet. They should not be afraid to reach out and ask for help. This crap bothers me a lot. I had two sons and they were the only kids I had. We can agree to help each other, if this is what we want to do. Why not? Grown children are still family. Everybody need help sometimes in their lives.Geeeez
---Robyn on 1/8/11


Ginger, without any information from the husband and why he refuses him to live with them, you have already condemn the husband. He is jealous, not loving, not Christ like, he should be broken, and then you say to call his bluff. Great advice. Then I suppose she should dump her husband and move in with the son. There is no possible way anyone can give advice without hearing both sides of the story.
Lets just leave it as you say, she should call his bluff since he is not been a good Christian husband, and break him so that he can become a better husband, she has the power to change him or leave him.
---Mark_V. on 1/8/11


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I'll probably draw some mother's wrath for this, but what does the "Prodigal Son" have to do with this? According to the questioner, her son is a good kid who works, not a starving son returning to "repent".

The Husband does sound selfish, but not necessarily "unloving". He may just not see the son as being in such serious need.

Maybe mom could have her son in for meals often or pay a bill or two for him.
Seems a shame to throw away a husband for such a reason...and for a son who will, eventually, have a life of his own anyway...without mother.

Surely the son doesn't know...but if he's anywhere near mature, he'd stay anywhere rather than be the center of a conflict like this!
---Donna66 on 1/7/11


Just a different viewpoint...but what does the "Prodigal Son" have to do with this? According to the questioner, her son is a good kid who works, not a starving son returning to "repent".

The Husband does sound selfish, but not necessarily "unloving". He may just not see the son as being in such serious need.

Maybe mom could have her son in for meals often or pay a bill or two for him.
Seems a shame to throw over a husband for such a reason...the son will (hopefully), soon have a life of his own anyway...apart from his mother.

Surely the son doesn't know...but if he's anywhere near mature, he'd stay anywhere rather than be the center of a conflict like this!
---Donna66 on 1/7/11


MarkV, I understand that every case is different.
This one is not about you though.
The young man only asked to stay for 3 months because he was relocating for his JOB.
That means he has income.
I see no problem making a contract between parents & the son stating that he will be moved out within 3 months, he will follow his parents rules and pay bills.
If the husband cannot do that then he his unruly and unbendable and should be broken for not utilizing the love of Christ in this situation.
Heavens sakes, he gave the wife an ultimatum. How is that Christ like?
I would call his bluff!
---ginger on 1/7/11


Ginger, every case is different and we did not get all the information concerning this case. In my case I loved my wife enough to listen to her, and that only got us in trouble. I had no jealousy whatsoever, my opinion of her was different then her mothers since she is trying to protect her daughter and the only reason I gave in to her. And I should have gone with my instincts. We both decided for her to leave, but it was my wife who kick her out. I know the economy is bad, and will continue that way, and we should help our kids but only when they deserve to be help. She is now having many difficulty's taking the shots, but refuses to give them up.
---Mark_V. on 1/7/11


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MarkV, I am not going to. I suspect jealousy on the part of the husband towards the son. AND if HE loved his wife truly..that would not be so and he would not have a problem with the son making an agreement staying only for 3 months etc.
The husband is charged to love his wife as Christ loves the church.
Christ told of the prodigal son. So, the husband is being completely unreasonable in this particular case. He is being ruled by his flesh and not the Spirit of Christ like he should be.
---ginger on 1/6/11


The mother never said her son was homeless. She only says that he is moving to their area for a new job. It doesn't say he lost a job or just decided to change jobs to be closer to his mom. It also doesn't say her husband is her son's father. Most cities have apartments right now than can be rented for around $100 for the first month just to get them rented.
---KarenD on 1/6/11


Always On: The man you spoke of in your post who chooses to remain single is my kind of guy. He knows himself and acts accordingly. This is my point, as well. Be truthful. I like to tell people things up front and then let them choose to be with me, or not. I don't have time to coddle or lie to someone. I love my kid(s) and are not likely to go against them. I have to be convinced they are really wrong and out of line before taking sides. Even though I try to remain neutral, on most issues. But I also demand respect for myself and spouse(boyfriend). Whatever the case may be. But there is definitely an order and system to the way things are done.
---Robyn on 1/5/11


Always on, I agree when you say we have not heard the other side of the story with the husband. That happens here all the time, we only hear one side and make a call, but many times the other side can give a clearer picture. Thank you sister.
---Mark_V. on 1/5/11


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I know someone with three grown children who says he won't remarry because he's thought about a hypothetical situation where a new wife and his daughter are both drowning, yet he can only try to save one. He says he knows his spouse should be his top priority, but he's honest in admitting that he'd save his grown daughter over a new wife. He also says he thinks about a woman suggesting to him what he should and shouldn't do for his children and he knows he couldn't tolerate this. For this reason, he says he knows he's not marriage material and will remain single.

His thought process may seem silly to some, but perhaps more people with children need to give this serious thought before saying, "I do".
---AlwaysOn on 1/4/11


I don't think three months is too long, at all. After all, he's got to relocate to her city, start a new job, find an apartment and work to save money to move into it. This all takes time, energy and money.

Perhaps the original poster can help him find a room to rent or has a friend that will kindly open their home to him temporarily.

We should also be careful not to demonize the husband. There are always two sides to a story and we don't know his. On the surface it appears that he's being unkind and unfair, but there may be much more to the story.
---AlwaysOn on 1/4/11


Ginger, you need to apply some love also to the spouse who does not want the adult child to move back in. There is a commitment between the two spouses, not between the three. Of course if both husband and wife agree, that is wonderful, and even more wonderful if the adult child is a good person that will contribute to the household. Most of us adults are good people, and want to help when our children need it, but when both spouses do not agree, you cannot allow the marriage to be broken. In that case you might as well divorce the husband and move in with your son.
---Mark_V. on 1/4/11


We are living in very tough times right now. Unemployment is very high also. If we have a family member who needs a little support for a while. He/she should be able to receive it. Not putting any blame on anyone or forcing anyone to do anything. But as christians we are to help one another,first of all. Especially those who are close to us. And of the household of faith. The word tells us that. We must remember: I Timothy 5:8, Acts 20:35,I John 3:17-18. There are other scriptures to stir our minds.
---Robyn on 1/4/11


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Three months doesn't seem unreasonable to me, if he's relocating or starting a new job. But it should be clear to all that 3 mo. is the limit. If your husband is certain you are not going to let him stay longer, he may tolerate it for that period of time.
Adult children will leave you (as they should) and then they are often too busy to pay much attention to you. Your husband is to be your partner for life.
---Donna66 on 1/4/11


Adult children need to make their own living arrangements unless it is a short stay. Three months is too long to stay with your parents when you start a new job. Two weeks should be the limit.
---KarenD on 12/28/10

Then I guess my Dad should have let me and my 2 children be homeless when I lost my job right?
Come on people please apply love and reason to your choices when it comes to your adult children.
I guess the prodigal son should not have been welcomed back home either, huh?
---ginger on 1/3/11


Robyn...Wow! Where did that hateful attitude come from? As the mother of three grown sons who take care of themselves instead of depending on mommy and daddy, I do know a little about things. As a pastor's wife, I often encounter women who want to put their children ahead of their husbands. The sad part of this story is that the wife can't accept her husband's decision and is going to make his life miserable because she and her son cannot get their way.
---karenD on 1/3/11


Sag, we had those discussions before she moved in. My wife convince me to let her move in, I didn't want her to move in because of who she was. She's gay. Something my wife and I do not agree with. Second, she takes shots, to be a man. She got a beard, short hair and hairy legs. Didn't want to work, or do housework to help, then she started bringing a friend to the house when we were gone, when my wife argued with her because of her friend coming over, I didn't get involve because she was not my birth daughter, finally my wife realize it was wrong letting her move in, so my wife told her to leave. She did. Last month she started calling her mom to know more about God and her way of life. My hope is that she leaves that life behind one day.
---Mark_V. on 1/2/11


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KarenD: You need serious help---real quick! Your understanding is zero. And certainly don't have an inkling, as to what life is all about.
---Robyn on 1/1/11


A mother showing love to her son will not arrest his development. Or do any other harm to him. The world is in a very bad shape now. We show more love to strangers, sometimes then we do to our own. Kristy If you do what the husband suggest there is going to be hell to pay down the line. I cannot imagine what this selfish brute has to offer you that would make her turn her flesh and blood away. Find the strength and your voice. Try to get your husband to change his mind. If not--I would kick him out(spouse)
---Robyn on 1/1/11


Another question posted by someone who does not take part in the conversation.
---KarenD on 12/31/10

Maybe GOD just intended for the rest of us to minister to the question poster. I've encountered the same type of situation while volunteering for churches.

Some folks would show up at church and ask for help -- To Be Done Immediately After A Sunday Church Service -- with Moving. Many of the church members would give an entire afternoon helping with their Move. Sometimes, we never saw again the people who requested the Moving help. No "Thank You" either.

There are times when you just need to remember that you're serving GOD and leave it at that.
---Sag on 1/1/11


Another question posted by someone who does not take part in the conversation.
---KarenD on 12/31/10


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We had my step-daughter live with us for a time and all she did was sleep and eat. Never looked for work or clean anything, would go out and party, she was just living off of us and not contributing to anything. I kick her out.
---Mark_V. on 12/31/10

With the difficult economy in the USA, many families have had to let relatives "move in" with them. After job losses, divorces, re-locations, etc. I can only imagine that some of these "living arrangements" must be stressful for those involved.

I think that you should have some things discussed, and agreed upon, BEFORE the "move in" date: rent, maintenance tasks, job searches, transportation, paying for meals, length of the stay, etc.
---Sag on 12/31/10


KarenD, I agree w/you on the husband being the head. However, the son needs 3 months as he's relocating to start a new job. It will, presumably, take him this long to save enough money for an apartment.
---AlwaysOn on 12/31/10


Jed, I agree with your answer very much. And also with others. There should not have to be a choice. The husband is for life, not the children. If he does not want him there for 3 months, he has that right. While we do love our kids and many of them are good, yet, we have a commitment to our spouses. I'm not comfortable with anyone living with us. We had my step-daughter live with us for a time and all she did was sleep and eat. Never looked for work or clean anything, would go out and party, she was just living off of us and not contributing to anything. I kick her out. My wife was a little upset, but we agreed that the best thing for her was to leave.
---Mark_V. on 12/31/10


Being "head of the house" doesn't give a man a right to be lord of the house and trample on everyone else!
---Mary on 12/31/10


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Some of these answers sound like the church no longer considers the husband the head of the house. Why should the husband be forced to rearrange his life for three months? Why can't the son get an apartment of his own if he works.
---KarenD on 12/30/10


Adult children need to make their own living arrangements unless it is a short stay. Three months is too long to stay with your parents when you start a new job. Two weeks should be the limit.
---KarenD on 12/28/10

I agree with this.

The same goes for letting "friends" stay with you. I learned -- the hard way -- that unless you set FIRM deadlines for "friends" to find a place of their own, some will want to stay with you indefinitely. And that can lead to problems.

Maybe the Husband is afraid that the Wife's Adult son is like one of those "friends" who wanted to stay with me forever.

Have they set FIRM deadlines for the Kid's stay?
---Augie on 12/30/10


I would not turn my son away. Under no circumstances. Especially if he is a good son. If he listens and respects me and his dad, causes no trouble in the home. Why can't he come and stay?If he hurts my child, he hurts me. I would rather the husband .....go.
---Robyn on 12/28/10


"What to do?"
Kristy Stand by your man, and help your son, in ways that you can.
---josef on 12/29/10


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Take this issue to the Father. Pour your heart out to Him and ask Him what, if anything, you should do. He'll guide you.

Be upfront with your husband and your son. Let them both know what you want, but that the final decision is not yours, alone. Let your son know that he needs a plan B, in case your husband doesn't relent, and let him know that you love him and that you're trusting the Father to work it all out.
---AlwaysOn on 12/28/10


Adultc children need to make their own living arrangements unless it is a short stay. Three months is too long to stay with your parents when you start a new job. Two weeks should be the limit.
---KarenD on 12/28/10


Kristy I wish with all of my heart I could make this problem go away for you. Why? Because I have lived this nightmare and it is intense suffering, at its worse. The pain is excruciating to have to make a decision like this. Why do we as women have to choose between our sons and our men. Where did this curse come from? This seems to be so wrong and so unfair. If your son is a good young man. What is the problem? There must have been problems in the marriage already. Sounds like your husband may be a selfish and unloving infidel.Someone I would not want to be involved with. GBU
---Robyn on 12/28/10


You chose to marry him, because of how you were relating with God when you got married. Trust God better, now, and discover what is good. ---Bill_willa6989 on 12/27/10

very good. husband did not hurt wife...wife hurt wife.
---aka on 12/28/10


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Ask him why he can't accept your son? he is family. however if he is still sticknig to his answer unfortunally you being his wife will have to agree with him because after your son leaves you're stuck with your husband.though i think he is in the wrong.
---Candice on 12/28/10


Hi, Kristy . . . you have had time to get to know your husband. You're his wife. With God, you're the one who can understand him right and do what is needed. It's not a choice, of one or the other. Your husband comes first, I would say. And your son can understand and respect what the decision is. And a "good" person can interfere with someone's life. Your husband should know what he means. You chose to marry him, because of how you were relating with God when you got married. Trust God better, now, and discover what is good.
---Bill_willa6989 on 12/27/10


Tough situation, Kristy!
I noticed that you didn't say "Our Son".
If he is not the Son of your Husband, try to find a way to kindle or re-kindle the relationship.

Have the two sit down and talk, or if this is not possible, have your Son write an "Adult" letter to your husband, outlining his financial obligations while he is living with you.
If he takes on Financial obligations, then your husband may see your son as an "Adult" too.
---David on 12/28/10


it appears to me that Genesis 1.27-end has changed much in america these two tyhat are to become one are no longer husband and wife: but mother and children, or father and children. i agree that your husband is harsh. but he might have some better reasons then it interferes with my life. to me it is rather -i believe he's the second husband-this has rather to do with the fact that he feels left outside when your son from your other relation is around. all the sudden no more intimate talks with you, no more candle-light dinners or whatever. fact is he feels attacked and lost. the problem is probabely because of your heart that is too big to outsiders. and like it or not since your son does not longer live with you, he has become an outsider.
---andy3996 on 12/28/10


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Jed, in all politeness, you are so far off in your response to this poor woman!
---Mary on 12/27/10


Did you know your husband was a jerk before you married him? Any future husband of mine will have to respect my relationship with my grown children. If not, then no marriage. I gave birth to those kids long before any husband comes into the picture. They are my legacy.
---Trish on 12/27/10


What does your husband mean by it would "interfere with my life"? Is he afraid he will stay too long past the 3 months? Have your son make a contract with the two of you that he will be out within 3 months. (No exceptions.) Is he jealous of your son because he doesn't want him to take time that may be his. You 3 need to set aside some time and see if you can't reach some common ground. But, make sure any final agreement is put in writing and signed by each of you. (By putting it in writing and signing it, no one can say they don't remember saying that.)
---wivv on 12/27/10


Well you husband should obviously come before anyone else. If you son is a grown man and is as responsible as you say then he should have no problem finding a place of his own in the area. If there is a chance that he will be mooching off you and your husband then that is why your husband doesn't want him living there. How did it even escalate to your husband giving you that ultimatum? When he said no, you should have obeyed him instead of make him feel like it had to be him or your son.
---Jed on 12/27/10


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Sounds to me like he's using this as an excuse to ditch the marriage. It's entirely irrational to cite a temporary situation as a reason to dissolve a marriage.

So how do you reason with someone who's being intentionally unreasonable? You can't you simply have two choices call his bluff or don't. You're in a tough spot, I know what I would do but I won't advise that for you.
---Pharisee on 12/27/10


Did your husband explain just HOW it would "interfere with his life"?
---Cluny on 12/27/10


Kristy: First, how old is your "adult" son? He seems to be of good moral character. Great!

Assuming he's single, while living with you & husband, will he be paying any rent, utilities, buying groceries? Does he have his own car/bike or will he be depending on you & your husband to transport him?

Here's the deal "mom": It seems your husband knows you very well. Your calling your son a "kid" speaks to how you obviously see him, i.e., "my baby". :) Stop hovering over him like a mother hen! That'll arrest his development. Let go & help him towards being a man. He needs to his own place to stay in the area. The only time you & husband should step up is in a dire emergency.
---Leon on 12/27/10


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