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Loves Mom More Than Me

My husband told me last night that he doesn't want my help with getting a job but he accepts help from his mother. He loves his mother more than me and I'm beginning to hate him for making me feel unimportant. What should I do?

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 ---Hurting on 2/22/11
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Dear Hurting: Is it possibe that your husband knows that there something special that his mother can do to help him, and that you cannot do the same (things like knowing the job situation better, having friends who may be better connected in the area of employment, etc).

In that case, it is not a matter of love, it is just a practical matter

If not, I'm not sure why
---Peter on 4/8/11


Your husband should be able to get a job on his own without you or your mother's help. My husband has never once asked me for help to get a job and if he did I would find it strange.

I think he needs to cut the apron strings with his mother. Tell him the Bible says that he is to leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife which happens to be you. So unless he is working in some kind of family business why does he need his mother's help finding a job? Is he asking his mother or is his mother doing for him what he should be doing for himself?

My mother-in-law butted in once when my husband was laid off and told me it was my turn to be the breadwinner. I set her straight fast right in front of my husband.
---poopsey on 4/8/11


Cluny:
Genesis 2:18 NIV
18 The LORD God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

This can be interpreted as companion. The point being the wife is there to help the husband which encompasses many things but not do things that are for him to do on his own.

How can a wife respect a momma's boy? I have the utmost respect for my husband in the financial area since he stands on his own two feet and doesn't cry the boo hoo and he is certainly not a momma's boy.

Other areas need work but in this he is 100% and always has been. You can't lean on a wimpy noodle. My husband is a strong tower and that is what impresses me.
---poopsey on 4/8/11


Relax! It's more a matter of feeling he is losing his position as head of the house if he takes help from you. (Men put a lot of self esteem in providing for the family, and if you help, he may feel he is not doing what he's suppose to do as a husband.) He doesn't have this fear if he takes help from his mother. It's not a matter of loving you more or less than his mother. You might re-assure him he is the head of the house.
---wivv on 4/7/11


\\Well, you are his "helpmate".\\

Did you know there are no such words in the Bible as either "helpmate" or "helpmeet"?
---Cluny on 2/25/11




Well, you are his "helpmate".

But if he's wrong, he needs help to become humble, so he isn't letting his ego be his *dictator*. Independence can ruin a person from being able to share with others, in one's problems and in other things. So, you, too, are human. I'll "bet" you have your own ways of being independent and not sharing with him. So, see yourself, first.

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

Understand his problems, by seeing your own.
---Bill_willa6989 on 2/25/11


maybe He values You to much to have You involved in such things?
---kevin5443 on 2/24/11


Mary, I have read enough here to see that almost all the complaints about spouses come from women complaining about their husbands.

The men here never indulge in this.
---Cluny on 2/24/11


Cluny, you obviously have no clue what it's like to be a woman in a marriage where the husband views almost anybody, including his mom, with more value than he does his own wife!
---Mary on 2/24/11


Hurting, what this really sounds like is you're upset because your husband doesn't let you boss him around, as well as his mother doing it, too.
---Cluny on 2/23/11




Hurting on: Please don't put words in your husband's mouth. Did he tell you he loves his mom more than you? Just because he accepts help from her and not you, does not mean he loves mom,more. Maybe he is trying to protect his ego and save face by turning down help from you. When he lost his job it was a terrible blow to his ego. He is,probably in agony, by you seeing him in this helpless, position. Even though you mean well, let him find his own way, on this one. He does not have anything to prove to mom. This is why he is receiving her help. Men are funny and fragile creatures,too. We all are. Respect his wishes.
---Robyn on 2/23/11


In marriage, you have to learn to let certain things, go. It's an art and it takes practice to (nearly) perfect, but, trust me, you'll be happier once you do.

As women, we often have an image of how our husbands are supposed to act. Problem is, most men didn't get the memo. They do their best, but still fall short of our expectations at times and, many times, it's because our expectations are too high. They're human and they are never going to be Prince Charmings.

Calmly tell your husband how you feel and then let it go. Don't nag him and let his mom help. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't really a big deal, so let it go.
---AlwaysOn on 2/23/11


---He probably feels less of a man if he has to ask for your help in this area.---

Totally agree
---CraigA on 2/23/11


If you are saying he loves her more because he accepts her help instead of yours, I'd say you are doing what I can do. And if you knew what I can do . . . uh-oh. She is not like you, at all. So, how he loves her has nothing to do with how he loves you. Liking an orange is not the same as liking an apple, because they are not the same or to be compared. Love her, by welcoming him to love her. Be his helpmate to love all people the way Jesus wants. Aren't you first a helpmate of Jesus, to help Jesus love any and all people? "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (in John 14:27)
---Bill_willa6989 on 2/23/11


Men love their moms in a different way than they do their wives . He probably feels less of a man if he has to ask for your help in this area. Don't take it to heart so much unless he does this in many other areas, and if you nag him about his mother he will hate you all the more, pray for him and ask God to lead you , be sweet, loving and kind just like Jesus is.
---Lea on 2/22/11


It's his ego that is he problem, not his love for you or his mother. To take help from you makes him think he has lost his position as the head of the house. To take help from his mother is more natural for him since he has accepted help from his mother from childhood up to now.
---wivv on 2/22/11


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Some men would see that as a blow to their ego and un-empowering to their leadership role in the family unit to count on their wife for assistance toward their lively hood.

If its not a unhealthy reliance on his mother I say pray he will find a job, encourage him and let him remain the leader with his self worth intact.

Be his wife and his mother be his mother.
God Bless, Paul
---paul on 2/22/11


be happy he's looking or accepting jobbs at all. Sometimes it can be frustrating as a wife, but also sometimes his mother knows what her son needs job wise.She raised him & some mothers know what is a strong & weak point.The husbands should share with wives too, but some donot.
---candice on 2/22/11


You vowed to God you would love your husband.

Does he accept help from his mother--or is his mother interfering and he's learned the easiest way of dealing with her is to just let her do her thing?
---Cluny on 2/22/11




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