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Dads Into Alcoholism Adultery

I'm from a broken home where my dad was given to alcoholism and adultery and left us. I'm now engaged to a man I love,but he is afraid I would allow things of my tormented childhood to taint our relationship and that I would be controlling in some way. How do assure him that we can be happy together?

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 ---Seashell on 3/14/11
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one can just as enslaved by "Thou shalt not drink" as an alcoholic is to alcohol.

In fact, one is just the opposite end of the other. They are both bondages and addictions.
---Cluny on 3/17/11

You pulled a rabbit out of the hat Cluny. Having lived this scenerio with my own parents.
One a drinker one an abstainer.
With me n the middle. ha.
So I can take it or leave it.
Thank GOD.
Psalm 60:3
Thou hast shewed thy people hard things: thou hast made us to drink the wine of astonishment.
Proverbs 31:6
Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
Proverbs 31:7
Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
---Trav on 3/23/11


Thanks Cluny. I have attended ACOA versions of Al-Anon, and found them interesting and helpful. I find many of my friends in AA, are also ACOA. I have learned a lot about myself in both. And, when I attended ACOA, I never realized I was an alcoholic. I thought I had escaped childhood unscathed. Not so.
---Trish on 3/18/11


OK, Trish. I stand corrected. Thanks for the information!

I was in my 40's before I realized that in my attempt to be a rescuer from childhood (the particulars need not concern us here), I had simply learned how to be an enabler.
---Cluny on 3/18/11


Cluny: The Adult Children of Alcoholics groups I am aware of are a subgroup of AlAnon.
---Trish on 3/17/11


Seashell, one can just as enslaved by "Thou shalt not drink" as an alcoholic is to alcohol.

In fact, one is just the opposite end of the other. They are both bondages and addictions.
---Cluny on 3/17/11




My dad left us and came back too and is no longer into alcoholism. I have severed myself from such iniquity by prayer and have forgiven my dad. My fiance is a christian and he does not drink, but always wanted to be able to have a drink or two with his future wife. When I disagreed to that, I guess he started fearing that I would make all decisions based on past experiences. However, I have no intention of controlling him.
---Seashell on 3/17/11


seashell,

i would suggest Celebrate Recovery. it is christian based recovery program for all "hurts, hang-ups, and habits". you are allowed to talk about faith in Jesus and not just a nameless 'higher power'. "Jesus Christ is the one and only Higher Power. The program is a Christ-centered ministry." from website.
---aka on 3/17/11


\\Adult children of alcoholics have issues. PERIOD. You can deny them, but they will crop up, especially in our interpersonal relationships.

Al-Anon offers support and education for people like us. There you can learn about yourself in a safe environment. \\

Good point, Trissh.

There is a similar group called Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I would recommend them.

People with bad parenting examples, such as ACOA, have learned weird behaviors and ways of dealing with unhealthy situations that were necessary at the time simply to survive, but can be dysfunctional and counterproductive in future relationships.
---Cluny on 3/17/11


Cluny,

thanks, very much
---James_L on 3/16/11


\\We got married, and 13 months later she left because of my controlling.

He may havae a legitimate concern. If you stay engaged, make it a long one.
---James_L on 3/14/11\\

I grieve for your sad experience, James.

There's a saying attributed to Benjamin Franklin. Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding and half-shut afterwards.
---Cluny on 3/15/11




I been through that growing up with my dad. My dad left us twice and came back. Give it all to God,forgive your father the things he has done.Also pray and let God help you not turn out the same way. I am engaged too,and i told my fiance after we started dating how it affected me,and how it made me not want to date anyone similar to my dad. He said he wouldn't do that to me and he never said he was afraid it would taint our relationship or controlling. We talk about things,and he knows what i went through,and trys to help me be a better person,independent and confident about myself. I would say tell your fiance that you don't plan to let that happen and that he can help you with that,along with Gods help. And for you both to pray about it too.
---alice on 3/15/11


Adult children of alcoholics have issues. PERIOD. You can deny them, but they will crop up, especially in our interpersonal relationships.

Al-Anon offers support and education for people like us. There you can learn about yourself in a safe environment.

Moreover, therapy will help you as well. Check into it, as it will help you learn about how your dad's drinking affected your thinking and behavior.
---Trissh on 3/15/11


you can't. crazy (on each side) does not precede the wedding. it comes out after...usually when little shells are formed.

everybody, to some degree has childhood battles that have not been decided. the issue(s)remain(s) the battlefield, somehow the spouse becomes the opponent, and the children get caught on the battlefield. even if the war is waged before children, crazy will surface.

turn your focus to things of the Lord (work at relief centers, visit the elderly, feed the poor...) If you take your time, he will see the Spirit or the spirit in you and vice versa.
---aka on 3/14/11


Robyn, are you kidding this girl? Get the ring?

Seashell, I came from a similar home, got married at the age of 25, I was very controlling.

We went through pre-marital counseling through the Roman Catholic Church (her church), and our Lead Couple suggested we don't get married at all. Then, they said if we were adamant, at least wait 2-3 years to let some of these issues come to the forefront and see if we were still interested in marriage. They didn't write that in the official recommendation to the church, or we wouldn't have been able to get married there.

We got married, and 13 months later she left because of my controlling.

He may havae a legitimate concern. If you stay engaged, make it a long one.
---James_L on 3/14/11


i think what would help is to make yourself right..remove any baggages first from your past before getting married.be sure to have forgiven all the people that have hurt you..in this-you will be walking light as you move towards the altar..
i think there is no need to hide things from him..lay your cards.if he accept you even your brokenness..then he loves you that much to accept even your flaws.hiding will not help...
---mj on 3/14/11


He is using an age-old game on you. Taking what you have shared with him and using it against you! This is underhanded and devious toward you. Don't share anymore private details about your past life with him. Only if necessary. Some things need to be kept to ourselves. Or shared with a counselor or someone not involved in the relationship. We can be our own worse enenmy,sometimes. Get the ring,get married. Talk about your childhood later. Much later. GBU
---Robyn on 3/14/11


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Well, how about however he might taint the relationship? He now could be tainting it, by making you an issue, instead of dealing with how he may have background things that could hurt things. He could be just making an excuse since he is not ready to get married. If he wants to get married, why would he be with someone he had doubts about?

So, may be you need to make sure with God about if you belong with him.

But if you are more and more good for each other, this can tell you something (c:
---Bill_willa6989 on 3/14/11


If you are trying to control him, you shouldn't. Maybe you're not ready to get married.
---phoofy on 3/14/11


And whatever did you do to give him the idea that you would try to be controlling?

He surely would not come up with that idea all by himself.

It sounds like you are not quite ready for marriage--and he's not ready for marriage to you if he's afraid you'll be controlling.

Both of you should rethink this relationship.
---Cluny on 3/14/11


seashell, you will bring baggage into your relationship if you've suffered from a "tormented" childhood as you put it. What make him think you would be controlling? Have you showed signs of that? Seek the Lord for your healing. Let Father God reach deep down inside of you and heal the wounds from your childhood. Ask him to pray with you, every day, and Worship God. For it is God who said, "For I, the Lord am your healer." And I think you definitely want and need God to come and heal you, don't you want that for yourself?
---Donna5535 on 3/14/11


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