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Wife Just Divorced Me

After 21 years of marriage my wife divorced me. She had been committing adultery and she was abusive. She recently said she "lost who she was" and only looked after my daughter and my needs. I think we remain in sin if we are divorced. Any advice on how I could lovingly talk to her?

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 ---john on 6/27/11
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That phrase "lost who she was" comes from end time knowledge of individualism/feminism. Someone who does not want to "lose him/herself" should not bother to go into marriage, because the 2 are supposed to lose something(s) and gain something(s). Adultery & divorce should limit your interactions to whatever will help your common daughter & general Godly counselling if you are given the chance.
---Adetunji on 10/18/11


After 21 yrs of marriage, I think it would be worth your while to try and meet with your wife. To see what her concerns are. If they are legitimate, how you and she can work things out.Don't blame each other and try not to argue. Talk about the good things that brought you two together. The good times that you all had. Don't beg and plead. Keep your dignity but speak truthfully to her. And she to you. Without the truth nothing will come of this meeting. And whatever you two decide to do together, please keep your word and do what you say you will do. Very important. Examine your feeling for one another,too. Another important point. GBU
---Robyn on 10/17/11


John, I didn't think it was you when I answered the blog. I have found out that many use other names many times so that others don't know who it is that is posting. Many times it is a good idea not to use your own name (not all the time) because many will remember and come back and attack you for what was said from someone else. It happened to me by one sister here. Many look for opportunities, spellings, or errors to find an excuse to attack you. It a terrible thing to do but it's happening all the time.
---Mark_V. on 7/12/11


This John is not me, but is using my name.

John please add a number to your name as this is causing great confusion here.
---John on 7/11/11


John, my advice you is good advice. First of all, when a person puts it in their hearts to leave, nothing will stop them.
Second, you should never beg for them to stay or come back. They want to leave to be away from you.
Third, once she gone do not call her, talk to her, communicate with her in anyway. Leave her alone.
Fourth, do not go out seeking to find her. Do not go and hide at her work to see who she is with or what she is doing. You do not want to know, you will only receive more pain.
Fifth, take care of you, and let God take care of the rest.
When two people separate or devorce, they need time away from each other completely. Any contact you make with her only increases the time of waiting if she is coming back.
---Mark_V. on 7/11/11




Trav:
.....you had better have good reason to do so.

Personally, I prefer to stick to the point and to address issues directly, rather than to waste my time and others by lowering myself to petty name-calling.
---StrongAxe on 7/9/11


Or...what?? Gonna peck me to pieces.
By your post you want to be the word/tone police. You weren't hired for the job, and your understanding of scripture cannot produce a witness authorizing.
Soooo your personal policy's, are not my mission to uphold but, to avoid.
Proverbs 26:27
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein: and he that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him.
Ecclesiastes 10:11
Surely the serpent will bite without enchantment, and a babbler is no better.
---Trav on 7/11/11


This recently happened to a friend of mine. After 3 years she just left and did not want to be married anymore and completely changed. If she is bent on leaving then there is nothing you can do. God hates divorce but divorce is not the end of your life nor are you always in sin after the divorce.
---Scott on 7/7/11


Seems your talking is over, If the unbeliever decide to depart let her.

You are not in sin but she certainly is, according to your description.

Praying for you.
Paul
---paul on 6/29/11


1 Corinthians 7:10-11 > "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife."

If two Christians have a problem, they can grow more in God's love so they do better together. God bless you ! (c:
---Bill_willa6989 on 6/29/11


Sam:

God respects our wishes - that is, the wishes of BOTH saints and sinners. He gives us free will, and lets us choose our own path, whether to salvation or to destruction. He could very well step down from heaven and end all the evil and suffering in the world, but he doesn't. He leaves that to us.

Praying that God will bring someone back (or to be saved, etc.) is fine, but EXPECTING that he will automatically do it is expecting God to violate someone else's free will at the expense of our own. He won't do that, as subjugating someone else to our will is slavery, whether it's in his/her best interest or not.
---StrongAxe on 6/29/11




Sam, "God will reconcile your wife to you if only you'll ask, as God's plans for you only bring prosperity-not destruction. Jeremiah 29:11!" yes, God is able, and I pray reconciliation happens.Even so, a person has a free will. I believed so strongly about not divorcing, or even separating (only for fasting and prayer), that I put up with years of abuse to be obedient to God, always prayed for deliverance, healing of the marriage, etc, yet things only got worse. Finally God showed me I HAD to protect my children, it was ok to separate for their sake. I had incredible freedom and peace in it, even while seriously grieving. The Lord has done much in our lifes since, my ex has been in and out of his periods of use, no reconciliation, and
---christina on 6/29/11


I think you should leave her alone. She made her decision and left you. You did not leave. You are free to continue to pursue her and try to get her back. But what for? The woman was abusive to you and was cheating on you. What do you want that back in your life for? You need to move on with your life. Or get a life. There are more shells on the beach. And fish in the sea. Get a backbone while you are at it.
---Robyn on 6/29/11


Sorry to hear that John.
God does not believe in divorce as Eph6:31 states. Romans 7:2 & 3 and Matthew 19 tells you where you stand in regards to sin.
God raises a sun for you every day, provides for you and can calm your raging storm. Nothing is hard for Him! Unless it isn't good for your future God will reconcile your wife to you if only you'll ask, as God's plans for you only bring prosperity-not destruction. Jeremiah 29:11!
---Sam on 6/29/11


John, I know how you feel as I am going thru the same thing. My husband and I were separated, I thought (as he promised) we would work it out. But calls me and asks for a divorce after 37 years, he had already moved another woman in with him and had been together for over a week. I tried everything to make the marriage work, but he wouldn't talk to me or even try. I am a christian woman, and he's the one that has committed adultery, as hard as it is I know he won't change his ways and he is only thinking of what he wants. It's been very hard to accept because I have been with him most of my life and had 2 great sons. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless!
---Sandra on 6/28/11


According to the Bible, you are not in sin. Adultery is one of the ONLY reasons the Bible lists as grounds for divorce. Your former wife was in sin, because of her adultery and abuse, but you were not.
---Leslie on 6/27/11


That "lost yourself" or "need to go find myself" is just an excuse for what is really selfishness. How can you lose yourself when you are with yourself 24/7?

As for looking after your daughter and your needs? Isn't that what love is all about?

I'm sorry to tell you that your wife loves herself more than anyone else and is a taker and not a giver. Don't waste your time. Find someone who will love and appreciate you and who will want to take care of your needs.
---poopsey on 6/27/11


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Jesus said that to divorce and remarry (except for fornication) is adultery. He said that God hates divorce, but he did NOT say that divorce, in intself, was a sin. If your wife divorced you, that's her problem. It should not be yours.
---StrongAxe on 6/27/11


-- She recently said she "lost who she was" and only looked after my daughter and my needs.--

This should have brought her joy if she has the Lord with her. Just as it should bring a man joy to be the provider and protector of his family.

If she has committed adultery, she has already broken the marriage covenant. You are free. The sin is upon her, not you.

My experience with women is typically when they make a decision they dont go back on it. As painful as it is, it time to let her go. My heart goes out to you, john. I've been there twice myself. May God give you peace.
---CraigA on 6/27/11


ohn: "I think we remain in sin if we are divorced." I do not believe that is what the bible teaches. Divorce MAY be sin, but is not so in the case of adultery. Even when it is sin, it is not the unpardonable sin. Many have been in sinful divorces, yet forgiven. I commend you for having the desire to speak with her lovingly. I would pray, seek God's leading, when to speak or remain silent, what to speak. He is able to guide you in these things. If there was abuse, it may be a good thing to be away from the abuse. I hope for healing for all.
---Christina on 6/27/11


ohn: "I think we remain in sin if we are divorced." I do not believe that is what the bible teaches. Divorce MAY be sin, but is not so in the case of adultery. Even when it is sin, it is not the unpardonable sin. Many have been in sinful divorces, yet forgiven. I commend you for having the desire to speak with her lovingly. I would pray, seek God's leading, when to speak or remain silent, what to speak. He is able to guide you in these things. If there was abuse, it may be a good thing to be away from the abuse. I hope for healing for all.
---Christina on 6/27/11


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I went through a nasty divorce after several years of marriage too. Divorce sucks!

Were you and your ex Christians? If so, the Bible says that you should remain Single and wait. Mark 10:9 God might bring about a reconciliation. Or, your ex might remarry and then you're free to do so as well.

If you, your ex, or both of youe, were Unbelievers -- you didn't KNOW Jesus Christ as your Savior, then the Bible says to let the other spouse leave. You are free. To remain Single or Remarry. 1 Corinthians 7:15-25.
---Augie on 6/27/11


john, pray for her. Allow the Holy Spirit to convict her. I don't think anything you say to her will change her mind or heal her.

PRAY, PRAY and PRAY!!! Once you begin to pray for your wife who divorced you, then the Holy Spirit can take over and begin to soften her heart and convict her of her sins. I am sorry she committed adultery on you and was abusive, that must be very hurtful. You're in my prayers.
---Donna5535 on 6/27/11


According to most mss of the Gospels, if your wife was an adulteress, then you are free to remarry.

I understand your feelings, however. It would be a great blessing if you could be reconciled with your wife, and you both forgive each other.

But remember that you yourself are guiltless in this case. Your wife is the adulteress who abandoned YOU, not you her.

Glory to Jesus Christ.
---Cluny on 6/27/11


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