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Cheated On My Unsaved Husband

I cheated on my husband, and he moved out immediately, neither of us have been religious in the past, but I have been praying and reading the Bible. I'm very dedicated to changing and having a relationship with God. Any advice on how can save my marriage, and convince my husband that we both need God?

Moderator - Get to a local church for help and don't give up.

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Dear sister don't try to rush things, let God touch his heart and let your husband see by your testimony that you have changed. Show him God's mercy and love through you, be a Probervs 31 woman and don't give up because for God nothing is impossible to those who believe in him. Blessings!
---franc4568 on 8/10/11


So Donna, you visited 4 counselors, and all four didn't do.. if one dashes Donna, ok i could accept you went to the wrong one. but Four? unless amercican counselors are totally inapt on a nationwide scale.
sorry my sarcasm, but this is too much to be normal.
---andy3996 on 8/7/11


Donna said, "10 years later now divorced since 2001 and he is STILL stalking me and telling everyone at his church that he's going to kill Donna. I had to have the police here and file another stalking report. This is getting old but he wants to kill me. We've been divorced since 2001."
Donna we are starting a ministry for folks that are going through this very thing. Contact me I will tell you about it.
---Elder on 8/7/11


I went to THREE marriage counselors and all of them let my husband bash me to pieces. I never got a word in. They were bash Donna sessions.
---Donna5535 on 8/3/11

Donna

Sometimes during the assessment phase of counseling the counselor will allow emotions to run high in a controlled setting to find the depths of the resentment and hostility.

No successful counselor will take sides and allow the other spouse to fell ganged up on.

Perhaps the counselor perceived you to be the strong one and allowed your ex to explore more fully than yourself.

Without being their it is hard to speculate, maybe they were just bad counselors.
---paul on 8/3/11


//When the pastor gave you guys advice and it did not work, you should have then looked for help from someone who did know. ---Mark_V. on 7/29/11//

Who said I didn't look for help from someone who did know?

I went to THREE marriage counsellors and all of them let my husband bash me to pieces. I never got a word in. They were bash Donna sessions.

So I did seek out 3 counsellors, and all let him complain about me for the entire hour.

10 years later now divorced since 2001 and he is STILL stalking me and telling everyone at his church that he's going to kill Donna. I had to have the police here and file another stalking report. This is getting old but he wants to kill me. We've been divorced since 2001.
---Donna5535 on 8/3/11




Paul, I would love to answer your questions. I love to talk about the Lord so very much. In fact when I came to understand who God was is and always will be, my eyes were opened to all of Scripture. I do not understand it all but I have the picture in my mind. I suggest we start a new blog because I don't want to change this blog. Thank you brother, peace.
---Mark_V. on 7/31/11


Your best weapon is prayer and fasting.
Stand firm and do not be discouraged for HE is with you,remember the bible says: when two persons marry they become one, so therefore you are one in the spirit.
Your husband is still hurting, it is in Gods timing when you both will come into agreement.
GOD BLESS YOU. I will pray for your marriage.
---His_Kingdom on 7/31/11


What I did in my marriage that also caused this to happen to me. I was just as guilty as her.
---Mark_V. on 7/31/11

Mark

Not trying to tare scabs off, but how can you believe man has no free will and that God orchestrates everything in our lives.

But still feel you played any role through your freewill to build up or tare down your marriage?

Not trying to contradict, simply trying to understand.

Is it freewill, no freewill or partial freewill?

And where does our responsibility start and or stop?
---paul on 7/31/11


andy, let me say also that when you made the comment they go to pastors to be right, you are correct that many do. First, what I find hard to do here is answer personal questions. We never hear all the truth. Example, when my wife left me, I told a lot of people what happened to me and what my wife had done. I was looking for sympathy. I still had not admitted to myself how bad I was also. Sometimes we keep that out. Sometimes because we don't realize it, other times we just don't admit it. As time went by, I realized how wrong I was also. What I did in my marriage that also caused this to happen to me. I was just as guilty as her. Everyone situation is somewhat different so it is hard to give true godly advice. Peace brother.
---Mark_V. on 7/31/11


andy, I now see your response to Paul. Thank you again brother.

Christan, great advice you gave the blogger. Concerning the blogger I would like to remind her that when God commands us not to do something, He is many times thinking of our well being. He knows the consequences of sin, and many disobey and suffer those consequences which can be so terrible. Some have killed for that, many lose their families, sometimes jobs, then the home is next. Some receive less of a punishment for sinning then others, so why take a step without faith?
---Mark_V. on 7/31/11




MarkV I tottaly agree and as you can see in my last blogg, i did recognise my misstake, thanks however that you help minding.
---andy3996 on 7/31/11


andy, I believe your judgment on Paul was wrong. First, none of us are members of the church she went to. Second, not everyone goes to pastors to be right, some want godly advice from the law of God. Here, people put their questions out, and all anyone can do is give advice, sometimes it not very good advice, but answer to what is provided by the blogger. None of us know all that happened. Also it is better to go to a godly person then outside if possible. And so Paul is right, not all pastors have been trained in marriage counseling. Plus they are not medical doctors who can know if someone is Bipolar or not. Those don't need counseling but medical help first. The passage in 1 Tim. is for church members who speak against their Elders.
---Mark_V. on 7/30/11


hm, we must first acknowledge in our heart that it is God we have sinned against. And if you're truly convicted of your sin, you must believe that God is merciful and repent toward Him and ask for His mercy and forgiveness. And in His promise of His mercy, He will indeed forgive you. You must be prepared to be chastised by the Lord because He says, He only chastises those whom He love.

Pray to the Lord for His grace to work in the healing of your marriage. The next thing is to go to your husband and ask for his forgiveness that you have done this wrong toward him. And if he does not accept your apologies for now, wait on the Lord - for He is indeed faithful.

May the Lord be merciful, gracious and His peace be with you.
---christan on 7/30/11


Well you have done a very bad thing to your husband and you must be ready to accept the consequences of what you have done. You need to know you have hurt and betrayed your husbands love and faith in you. Very serious and hurtful pain you have inflicted on him,yourself and the entire relationship. It is going to take a lot of praying and a lot of work to untangle what you have done. You will be dealing with a lot of hard issues that cannot be solved overnight.The devil has caused you to err in a very evil way. Adultery is one of the worse sins we can be caught up in. GBU
---Robyn on 7/30/11


Ok Paul, i've reread the bloggs carefully, and it appears that i made a huge humongous misstake, i read in your post

"Our Pastor did not know how to counsel us so don't go to your church for help.
for one i did not see that you where actually quoting Donna, instead (next time i'll take time to find my readingglasses). so again my sincere apologies.
and again, and again and again
---andy3996 on 7/30/11


FIRST YOU HAVE NOT WRONGED ME. however you know that as a pastor it is very unethical to comment upon another pastors work if you don't know him, if you know him personally then still it is better to take the hurt person seperate and encourage them that way, surely they taught you that during your training. this kind of comments only demean the ministry in general
---andy3996 on 7/30/11


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i alsodeplore your lack of proffesional ethics. read 1 tim 5:19
GOD IS JOY
---andy3996 on 7/30/11

What exactly are you trying to say here?
If I have wronged you please elaborate, I know nothing about you.

Paul
---paul on 7/30/11


Paul, from a minister to a pastor, can you help everyone that enters your office, and why not? because 9 out of 10 dont' ghet counseling with a pastor because they need help, they come to a pastor to be right. the same goes with secular counselors, and this is the first reason for failed counseling whilst i've said this, i alsodeplore your lack of proffesional ethics. read 1 tim 5:19
GOD IS JOY
---andy3996 on 7/30/11


Would you let someone whom lied to you, advise you that you need to become more honest? You need God first, my dear, and not him. After you get right, then you can share the gospel with him. First you need to wholeheartedly own up to full accountability and get serious about the crime which you yourself have committed against your innocent husband. Your husband which you have betrayed might never want you back again. Seek the Lord in prayer for the right words to say to your hurting husband, then Go make it right with what you did against him first, before you even try to present that he needs God.
---Eloy on 7/29/11


Paul: I have to agree with Donna. When I was first married, we went to a pastor for counseling. We did not know I had a serious mental illness, and the pastor did not have the qualifications to diagnose and treat me.

Many marriages, like mine, are destroyed beause of the symptoms of a serious mental illness.

Also, Biblical counseling will not be effective in working with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, which are organic in nature. That would be like giving an epileptic Biblical counseling. Brain chemistry is the reason for the illness.
---Trish9863 on 7/29/11


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Donna5535, I want to make something clear, when I agreed with Paul it was on the answer that I though he gave concerning the blog.
Concerning what he said to you, I also agree that the pastor has to be trained in this area. Just being a pastor does not mean he is good at giving marriage advice. He knows the laws of God but no one knows all the ends and outs of your problems but you and your husband. When the pastor gave you guys advice and it did not work, you should have then looked for help from someone who did know. Many pastors who don't know, just try to do the best they can. Sometimes they can take care of small issues, but not the bigger ones.
---Mark_V. on 7/29/11


Donna

You are absolutely correct, If criminal intent was suspected then your safety should have been top priority, otherwise good people commit murder all the time.

It would appear that your situation is behind you now and you are trusting the Lord for you future.

I do also study secular counseling for the psychological approach but I recomend Biblical counseling.

Secular places no emphases on God but on man and as Ps 118:8 teaches us that our trust should be in the Lord.

Biblical counseling, though it employes some secular methods, is centered around Gods formula for success.

Though not all Pastors have undergone sound counseling training a lot have, I'd start there.

Paul
---paul on 7/29/11


You have two situations that you need to deal with. First, your own relationship with the Lord. While it's great you are praying & reading the Bible, you don't mention knowing Christ as a personal Saviour. You must do this first before trying to deal with situation #2, which is, re-establishing a relationship with your husband. Right now you have no trust value with your husband. Once you are 'saved
you can tell him that as a Christian, you will no longer cheat on him and you want him back. Right now I'd suggest you get professional marriage counseling from a Christian who can advise you.
---wivv on 7/29/11


paul, while I appreciate your feedback, our Pastor did more damage to us than anyone else.

He kept saying, "you'll be fine." I kept trying to tell Pastor Gus that my husband was putting me in danger by going out and buying a gun and all our pastor would say is: "He's a good guy."

Paul, that is NOT how you treat someone in your congregation who goes out and buys a gun with intentions to murder (per the police). I filed for divorced and am divorced since 2001 and am content with my single life.

NOT ALL Pastors are like you, they are NOT trained like a PhD is in counselling.
---Donna5535 on 7/29/11


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Paul, that was great advice. A person can say they have changed but so little time has passed that no one changes in one day or six. This kind of thing takes time. If I was her husband I would stay away as far as I could. Stop talking to her and just let God take care of matters. I have heard people say they have changed. And husbands or wife's take them back right away and find out that by taking them back so soon, the results are worse then before. How much time is needed? Really no ones knows but even month is not good enough. It also takes a while to get that respect back.
---Mark_V. on 7/29/11


i have asked him about counseling and also want my pastor to pray with him, but he will not speak to me at all. and when he does all he says is he's not coming home and that he's done. this is still very new, he just found out 6 days ago but i'm not sure that makes a difference
---hm on 7/29/11


Build your relationship with the Lord and allow Him to transform you.

You can tell your husband you have changed all you want to, but for him to see it is another thing.

Praying for you, Paul
---paul on 7/29/11


Our Pastor did not know how to counsel us so don't go to your church for help.
---Donna5535 on 7/29/11


Donna

I understand why you say this but please never discourage any one from going to their Pastor for help.

I as a Pastor am trained in marriage counseling as are a lot of Pastors.

I hate to hear your Pastor has not had adequate training in this area, but that does no disqualify all Pastors to the point of telling people not to seek help through their Pastor.

And I hope you and yours got everything taken care of for the success of your marriage.

Paul
---paul on 7/29/11


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I was a member of a local church when my marriage went to hell in a handbasket (my husband was beating me up).

I STRONGLY suggest you go to a MARRIAGE counsellor. Not just an ordinary counsellor, but a marriage counsellor because they will see you both together then individually and hear both sides of the story.

Our Pastor did not know how to counsel us so don't go to your church for help. Most won't know how to counsel you. You need professional insight like Dr. Phil into why this happened and what the both of you can do to heal from the pain this has caused.
---Donna5535 on 7/29/11


for once i believe everyone will agree with Moderator:-) lol enter in a good church and ghet some help, by the way leave the saving my marriage part in God's hands don't ghet overanxious and focus upon Christ
---andy3996 on 7/29/11


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