Husband Does Not Defend Me
What can I do about my husband who never defends me when my two sons talk back to me? I have fought with him for years over this, since the boys were small. I've begged him to back me up, to no avail. They are now in their 20s. I am very saddened over this and I am really contemplating leaving.
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---Donna on 8/4/11
Helpful Blog Vote (4)
I may be reading between the lines, but why do you call the two boys "your" sons?
Is your husband their stepfather and not their biological father?
If so, then the question has a totally different answer.
As a stepfather, I know that the biological parent is the one who dictates how the children are treated. If you do not discipline "Your" boys, don't expect your husband to.
This is a difficult area for most "blended" families.
---Mark_Eaton on 8/18/11|
although a bit harsh I must agree
why leave your husband now that your son's are grown ...you spent all of their growing/teaching/learning YEARS allowing this to become the normal way of behaving ...and now that your sons are grown into adults you want to attempt to establish a way for them to treat you with respect?
children typically imitate their parents ...boys will imitate their fathers and by allowing your husband to treat you this way your sons grew accustomed to seeing this and then being allowed to participate ...and while participating having their father back them up and belittle you
although this is painful to hear - you stayed and endured
to leave now? for what purpose?
---Rhonda on 8/13/11|
They are just out of nappies and to prove my point watch the show, they will "BE bACK IN A FEW YEARS TIME BEGGING FOR YOU TO FORGIVE THEIR CHILDISH WAYS"
MARK MY WORD..... hope you will have the heart to forgive them.. as for your husband he will feel the full length of his wrong doing,, but allow God to deal with him.
All you can do is if there is no peace with him, leave remain single and wait for the reconciliation if it never happens God knows, if it happens God bless
Either way to serve God alone is a blessing in disguise!
---Carla on 8/12/11|
Haz27, thanks for what you said. I do believe that when God created humans He did not intent for us to call humans animal names. To me that is sin. To me they are complainers, and whinners with a cause, and we should tell them the Truth. Now that is my opinion, that comes from my conscience. I also laugh, but know I shouldn't. Thanks and peace
---Mark_V. on 8/11/11|
More than likely Donna your sons now in their 20's, will not respect their wives. It is a fact, women look for how a man treats his mother.
Because so many men here online have made a farce out of your very serious question, we see the results of unchecked discipline today on the streets of London.
Here we've seen it in the schools for years.
---kathr4453 on 8/11/11|
Whilst I see your points to John I also see John's point as well.
There are many different personalities and circumstances we see on CN blogs. John's approach is more confrontational whilst others may be gentle. Both ways of answering such blog issues have their place.
And John's "SQUAWKING HENS CLUB" label is funny. It gets me laughing such a blunt and appropriate title.
Perhaps the women could come up with a rooster label for men who seek to divorce their wives for equally shallow reasons.
---Haz27 on 8/10/11|
Donna, Are you and/or husband Christians? If so, I don't believe you have
grounds to leave/divorce. Separation ought to be for a time of fasting and prayer. I know a husbands lack of support is painful, but a
believer has the Lord for support and His grace is sufficient. Give it to the Lord, cry to Him. Seek the
Lord, that He may increase, try to take your eyes off the
circumstance(s) and have your eyes on Him, as often as needed. He will
direct you. He is a God who can turn things around, make something
beautiful of all this, and He desires reconciliation for all. Forgive as Jesus forgave. May He be glorified in your relationships with
husband as well as sons.
---chria9396 on 8/10/11|
John, thanks for your answer why you call some women hens. I didn't say all women just those who complained. But your response at least shows that it is not meant for those women who are great.
I don't call those women anything, I do not label them as anything, because I know all humans fail. Some way more then others. There is not one person who doesn't. What those women/man do is above just failing, but nevertheles they fail because they really need Christ in their lives. By the way, what do you call man who do the same? This way everyone knows before you call them something.
---Mark_V. on 8/10/11|
MarkV, I do not call woman "Hens"...I call woman who act this way "Hens".
They are degrading and offensive to real waoman. and so I expose the silliness of someone who really just want an excuse to go to a singles bar and leave her family.
It is always done in the same fem-fetale Scarlet Ohara intro. So they do not think it's them, but rather him, so now they have an excuse to leave guiltfree and party on! Always ending with the preverbial "Should I divorce" hoping someone will say yes! Go for it girl he's horrible. It's a Sham!
THIS IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH POSTS ON ABUSE(VERBAL /PHYSICAL) You have seen me post on those and generally I yell in caps LEAVE AND CALL THE COPS IMMEDIATELY!!!
---John on 8/9/11|
John, you are so funny sometimes. Here you call women who complain "Hens" just terrible. And you got upset even though she did not mention "Pork" or pigs which you seem to hate. Can you not give her good advice?
Be nice sometimes.
---Mark_V. on 8/8/11|
Welcome to the "SQUAWKING HENS CLUB"!
Your post will be added to the archives of the "My Husband Doesn't" Memorial Library!
Although your post does have the required "Guiltless" escape clause at the end... The "should I leave/divorce him".
We will award you an "Honorable Mention" award for opting for the Divorce clause even after the situation is long gone. Stretching your excuse to leave without Guilt further than any other Hen.
---John on 8/7/11|
Donna, do you take issue with your HUSBAND? Or are your problems with your SONS?
It sounds like you're transferring your resentment towards your sons to your husband.
Thank about it.
Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/5/11|
Cluny does have a point that could be true. However, if that's not the case then protect your feelings from being hurt. Your children are no longer children so if they're living with you, make them leave. If they're not living with you & treat you that way while visiting, again, make them leave. & if the husband will not agree to that then you go somewhere when you know they're coming over. & if they just show up unannounced,get your purse & walk out the door when they get there. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH DISRESPECT. Just distance yourself from them. Hopefully one day they'll grow up & realize what brats they are( the husband included). If not then, at least you're not exposing yourself to their attitudes.
---Reba on 8/5/11|
Donna5535's answer is perfect. Have you prayed about this matter, and taken it to the Lord? All of the answers so far show wisdom. I can't add anything better.
---Trish9863 on 8/5/11|
"I'd be curious to hear their sides of the story. It could be that what you mean by "talking back" is that they don't do things your way. At this point, they are adults and can make their own decisions.
May I add that the very way you began your posting suggests that you are very resentful over their not letting you control them."
I thought it was worth posting this again as they are valid points to consider here.
---Haz27 on 8/4/11|
Donna, I'm sorry you have gone through this and are sadden by it, but don't you think it is a little late to leave? Twenty years and now that your children are older you think it is the right time? Of course this cannot be the only reason you want to leave, there has to be other reasons. Did you stop to think why he does not defend you on certain matters? Have you asked him? What has been his answers? Please explain? He had to have given you answers that you did not mention.
---Mark_V. on 8/4/11|
Donna, Hi, I am Donna5535.
"A soft answer turns away wrath" is a Proverb in the bible.
When they talk back to you, say something soft like, "I love you very much, please, can you try not to speak to me like that, it hurts."
Sometimes when you tell someone they are hurting you deeply by doing that, they stop doing it.
I Don't know what to say about your husband not backing you up, did you ask him why he doesn't?
Pray Donna. Ask the Lord for wisdom on how to handle this. God will give it to you. I'll be praying for you too. (((huggss))))
---Donna5535 on 8/4/11|
It's sad that things have worked out this way, but if he didn't do anything about it 20 years ago when they were small, he won't be able to do anything about it now.
OTOH, I'd be curious to hear their sides of the story. It could be that what you mean by "talking back" is that they don't do things your way. At this point, they are adults and can make their own decisions.
May I add that the very way you began your posting suggests that you are very resentful over their not letting you control them.
Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/4/11|