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Date Separated Husband

My husband and I have been separated for almost 4 years. I left him for another man because of bitterness and anger cause from prior issues. Now, I have sincerely changed and repented of this. He wants time to date other women, but wants to begin dating me as well. What do I do?

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 ---Jaqui on 8/11/11
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Jaqui, I'm with Cluny on this one. How can you expect sympathy from believers for doing what you did and still married? If you have repented God has forgiven you, but with sin comes consequences that you will have to pay for. Sometimes real bad ones. What kind of advice did you expect? For us to tell you to sleep with him while he is still with someone else? To tell you it's ok? your in a mess you caused yourself for whatever reasons you had. I'm sorry I could not give you advice. It's been four years you said since you left for another man. And now you want things to go your way, and want everyone to understand and give you Christian advice. Sorry I could not help you.
---Mark_V. on 8/18/11


\\nor am I depressed.\\

Jaqui, YOU were the one who said you felt like a zombie and ate no more than one meal a day.

These are among the classic symptoms of depression, and denial will not help you get better.

\\ I was trying to reach out to what I hoped would be loving, Christian advice coming from the hearts of those that understand the gift of Grace.\\

What did you want to hear? "Oh, poor pitiful Jaqui, how she's suffered. And that mean old husband of hers, too"?

We DO want to see you and your husband reconciled, but you need to fix your own issues, too.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/17/11


Ok people, here is the deal. I was HEARTBROKEN because of not only my husband, but because of the hurt I had put him through by doing very similar things. I am not obsessed, I am not out of control, nor am I depressed. I was trying to reach out to what I hoped would be loving, Christian advice coming from the hearts of those that understand the gift of Grace. I was extremely sad, hurt, and somewhat desperate for my husband to realize my sincerity. I am somewhat better. I am still praying, and regardless of the fact that I don't deserve to be, I know that I am FORGIVEN for all my sins.
---jaqui on 8/16/11


Jacque, my answer is from my perspective. I say you are obessed. You went from one extreme to another. First you wanted to hurt him, now you cannot live without him. I was the same way, obessed. When my wife left, I found myself not able to live without her. My mind was close to any advice. All I thought about was her. I dream of her at night, woke up thinking of her, went to sleep thinking of her, worrying if she was sleeping with someone. I would go out and look for her, try to find out what she was doing, the more I knew, the more it hurt. She was my god. Just like like your husband is your god. Nothing seems to matter. Not even your life. When Christ replaces him on the throne of your life, then you will put things in perspective as I did.
---Mark_V. on 8/16/11


What you are describing is called "serial marriage" only you aren't bothering to get a divorce or get married to someone else. You are still married to your husband. He should not be dating anyone and neither should you.
---KarenD on 8/15/11




John, if Jaqui's husband were to come back to her, what would he have to come back to?

She's an emotional mess right now, and something tells me she's always had serious issues.

Jaqui, you need to be your own strong whole woman to attract your husband. My mother made the mistake of trying to find her identity in being somebody else's something else. She was never a woman in her own right.

NO marriage (and my mother was married 3 times) will work like that.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/15/11


Jaqui, I gave this more thought. You are very special person.
DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT!

You need to give him an
Ultimatum.

He is to decide by an exact date.(Do not leave it open). I would say by Aug 21st!

Between You and her. At that point you leave or have a husband.

YOu need to stick to your ultimatem! NO WAIVERING!

If he chooses you , then he is to cut off ALL communcation with the other woman PERIOD!

It seems his Male Ego is behind this With two admirering woman.

You have nothing to lose!!!
---John on 8/15/11


Jaqui, perhaps if he can read this, he can read your heart.

He may not be aware of your pain and your heart. You need to let him know. Maybe if he sees your posts.

Because in these posts of yours I felt your pain and suffering very deeply.

May G-d open his heart to see yours... once again!
---John on 8/15/11


Jaqui, you're going to have to fix yourself up and be good for yourself before you'll be good for your husband or children.

Dear soul, you need medical and other professional help. There's no shame in this.

Please get the help you need.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/15/11


Horrible couple of days. Did manage to eat last night, and part of one meal today. I found out today that my husband took his new relationship to the next level, intimately. I keep praying. I love him so much. He doesn't understand why it hurts me so. I tried to tell him that if I didn't love him, it wouldn't hurt. Lost. Please pray.
---jaqui on 8/14/11




jaqui, Jesus said, "In the mouths of two or three witnesses shall every word be established."

There are three posts here by three separate people, including myself, people who do not know each other in real life, urging you to get help for depression, which is a PHYSICAL disease.

I believe God is trying to tell you something.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/14/11


Jacqui, I echo the concerns about your physical and mental health. Call your family doctor and make an apppointment to discuss your lack of sleep and inability to think clearly. They are classic symptoms of depression. There is no shame in getting professional help for it. It is an illness, just like diabetes and heart disease.
---Trish9863 on 8/13/11


\\I can't sleep, and I feel like a zombie.
---jaqui on 8/12/11\\

Have you sought medical or other professional help for your issues, jaqui?

If you're suffering from clinical depression--and this is not a diagnosis, but it sounds like you may be--there are medicines to help correct this, and you will be able to think more clearly.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/13/11


jaqui, "I just keep praying that God will guide my words and my steps." I believe He will. If there's a time you're not sure, remain in prayer and wait on Him. That can be most difficult sometimes, There are times in prayer when I only need to wait a moment, another time 20 minutes, or much more, consistently seeking. The times I have not been willing to wait on Him I am sure that in some way, I've missed out, but even in that He is doing a work in me.
Some things you mention cause me to wonder about depression. You may want to check that out??? Nothing to be ashamed of there, I'm just concerned for your health.Also, do you have any friends you can pray with, a church?
---Chria9396 on 8/12/11


Jaqui

Knowing that you have minor dependent children I recommend that you do all you can to reconcile this marriage.

The reason they are called dependents is because they are dependent on you and your husband for survival and healthy development in their relational skills.

How mommy and daddy treat each other is what their acceptable benchmark by which to gauge their performance in their relationships both present and future.

Your only other valid option is to remain single until both children are out of the house.

God Bless, Paul
---paul on 8/12/11


We had been married for 13 years prior to our separation. The bitterness and anger issues were in the year or so prior to our separation. I have forgiven him for those things and he has apologized to me for them telling me he was wrong. I know I have done wrong, I am not claiming otherwise. I know he needs time to heal as well. I also know that I am an emotional mess. He knows that too, but keeps telling me to relax. I just keep praying that God will guide my words and my steps. I am trying to "relax" but I am losing weight, I can't sleep, and I feel like a zombie.
---jaqui on 8/12/11


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anon:

Jesus found time for the woman at the well, even though she had had 7 husbands before, and was living with yet another man who wasn't even her husband.
---StrongAxe on 8/12/11


anon, "I thought this was a Christian site.
---anon on 8/12/11"
It is because this IS a Christian site that I for one hope people will come. Jesus came, not for the righteous but the sinners, those who need healing...
jaqui ""Give me time and that is up to you to figure out." I suggest you pray about everything you do, seek the Lords leading moment by moment. He knows what's needed, and he is able. I know you are in pain still and possibly have more healing to go through. Thank God for this time, spend it with the Lord and allow Him to work deep. Pray for your husband. God bless you.
---Chria9396 on 8/12/11


\\How long do I let him have space before I close off to him?\\

Jaqui, you never said how long you were married before your separation.

How much of that time were you projecting your bitterness and anger from other issues onto your husband?

I don't doubt that you are sorry for this, But your regret and repentance doesn't automatically heal your husband. He needs time for this, too, you know.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/12/11


For ALL have sinned and come short of the glory of God. I am admitting my sin. I take full responsibility for it. I am not here for others to "tell me what to do", but to try to discuss this with other Christians who the Lord has led me to, to help deal with this. THAT is what I am doing. I HAVE repented, and the blood of Jesus is strong enough to cover a multitude of sins. Even mine. It took me a LONG time to realize I was worthy of forgiveness, but Jesus says I am, therefore, I am.
---jaqui on 8/12/11


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Our oldest is just afraid of it not working out and having to go through all of the emotions again, not because of things that happened during the marriage. I understand that he needs time. I truly do. I have asked him what I should do to prove myself to him and he says, "Give me time and that is up to you to figure out." He knows that I am an emotional mess right now. I cannot eat or sleep. I cry at the drop of a hat and my children are always asking me what is wrong, that I am so quiet.
---jaqui on 8/12/11


OMG this site is becomming a Dear Abby site...we really need to limit these kinds of marital questions.

"I left him for another man" which means this person isn't even following Jesus, but comes here and asks us to tell her what to do...this isn't a Dear Abby site. I'm sure you can find secular message boards and ask them or go to a chat room and ask there.
I must be wrong, I thought this was a Christian site.
---anon on 8/12/11


Jaqui, "he says he just needs time and space. With me being truly, deeply repentant to both him and Jesus Christ, this is so difficult to do." I imagine your husband might be deeply hurt. Healing for him, as well as repentance may take time. It took nearly 4 years for you to come to repentance from leaving him for another man. If he wants to "date", it seems he has some interest, but possibly fear too. I wouldn't encourage "dating" especially as he is seeing someone else, but be in serious prayer. Rebuilding trust in broken relationships takes time. God IS able to restore, heal, reconcile...I believe it His desire since you are still married, but your husband has a choice, best made under the influence of the HS
---Chria9396 on 8/12/11


You have repented but has he repented of the things he did,the issues you had against him,to bring you to seek outside comfort. If he hasn't then things will just repeat themselves on his part. I agree with Cluny you are going to need more than time to heal all the things which divided you and what being apart has done. Why give him time to date others he has had four years. There must have been a serious problem if your oldest is afraid of you two getting back together. Many times what we want isn't what is best for us and our family. Pray God will guide you to whats right.
---Darlene_1 on 8/12/11


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Yes, we have two daughters together. A 17 year old and a 12 year old. He is a wonderful father, and I am not trying to pat myself on the back, but I am a good mom too. He hasn't told them about this new person and has promised me that he won't take them around her. My oldest has had the hardest time with the separation. She is scared of us getting back together. My youngest wants nothing more. I keep praying and praying so hard that God will help him understand how sincere I am about all of this.
---jaqui on 8/11/11


Jaqui

Are their any mutual children involved between you and your husband?

Paul
---paul on 8/11/11


Sounds like he is wanting to try to even the score. The truth is, however, that your marriage is not a game. He will win no battle by dating other women and nothing good for your marriage can come of his dating other women. Still, he will do what he will do. Maybe you can convince him to go to counseling with you. Pray to God about the situation. He is the one who can advise you and can heal the marriage.
---jody on 8/11/11


It is so hard, because he says he just needs time and space. With me being truly, deeply repentent to both him and Jesus Christ, this is so difficult to do. I know the woman he is dating. She has a child the same age as ours and they are involved in many of the same functions. It breaks my heart to see him speak to her, etc. I don't want to pressure him. He says he needs to start developing trust toward me. But I don't know how to show him this. How long do I let him have space before I close off to him?
---jaqui on 8/11/11


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Wow! Let me prayerfull & God give Me wisdom.. In Respect,I cannot JUDGE But, This a difficult.. Most Women WOULD'T GO FOR THAT! Do you Want to Return Really, to Someone who Says He wants to DATE YOU ....And OTHER WOMEN? I do NOT UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE IF I AM WRONG! IF YOU REALLY REPENT (GOD KNOWS) OK... WHY YOU WANT TO BE "COMPETITION" WITH OTHER FEMALES? MAYBE,YOU SHOULD SEEK COUNSELING! he assuredly "ANGRY/ HURT".... I believe people can change...He & YOU BOTH NEED SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE. THIS DOESN'T SOUND GOOD. He does NOT wish to be married! 4 years....And yes,people change.Seek the Lord While he may be found! be carefull!
---ELENA on 8/11/11


Forgive me for sounding judgmental, but it sounds to me like you both have some tall repenting to do. In matters like this, it's almost never one person's fault, and I congratulate you for being willing to admit your part in this friction.

If you are both interested in reconciliation, which would surely make heaven rejoice, please both seek a Godly and qualified marriage counsellor. If for no other reason, you have 4 years of growing apart to heal.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/11/11


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