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I Ignored Red Flags

My husband and I married less than a year ago, since then, he has been mean and distant to me and my son (who is three). I realize, in my impatience to be settled, I ignored red flags. We are married now, what can I do to protect myself, my son, my spouse and my unborn child?

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 ---Jacki on 8/18/11
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Jacki: Please be encouraged if you are a believer in Christ. No human being is in a Perfect situation yet, after a dark night comes a glorious dawn and a bright day. Your situation is beneath God & is redeemable by God.
---Adetunji on 10/11/11


Honey you are in a very bad place, first of all. You need to know this. You can begin by praying and asking the Lord how you should handle this sticky problem. Then approach your spouse and tell him honestly how you feel. Don't blame him or he will become defensive.Let him know you do love him also. Just tell him what it is you need( please be specific). Timing is important also, for your talk with him. Perhaps make his favorite meal(set the table etc..) then approach him when he is in a good mood. Do know what it is you really want. A lot of women are not prepared when they approach their man about their concerns.If you don't know, he certainly won't know. Much more work ahead but this is a beginning. GBU
---Robyn on 10/6/11


Suggestion: Try to move closer and know him more. Try to find out as well if there is something that you've started doing after the marriage that you were not doing before that is a TURN-OFF or irritant to him. If he knows you are interested in knowing what is the turn-off thing, he will likely let you know it.
---Adetunji on 10/4/11


My point is that, yes, in fact, she DOES have that option. The only "grounds" she needs is if she intends to remarry.
---StrongAxe on 8/20/11

How realistic of a scenario is it for a young lady to divorce and remain unmarried?

Pretty unlikely, besides that interpretation of that scripture is kinda sketchy.

I have also heard from that mind set that the man suffers no ill that it is a warning to the woman only.

Neither of which keep in the nature of Christ in my opinion.

Paul
---paul on 8/20/11


Jackie,

the first 2-3 years are a challenge. You have also in this mix a son from another man. I was in this same position but with my wife. We fought all of the time and I was to the point of leaving and her as well.

Put your husband as your king and serve him with the love of Christ, this is what we are all commanded to do with our spouse. You are joined together with him, one, so be cautious that you do not place your son above your husband. There are reasons for this becoming distant and mean, so ask him to sit and talk about it, not fight or argue. Find out what is going on in his head.
---willa5568 on 8/20/11




Paul:

You wrote: I'm not saying divorce for if he is not committing adultery you don't have that option.

I replied: To be technical, Jesus did not forbid divorce except in cases of adultery. He forbade remarriage after divorce.

You later wrote: What exactly is your point, what came first the chicken or the egg. Without adultery she has no grounds for divorce

My point is that, yes, in fact, she DOES have that option. The only "grounds" she needs is if she intends to remarry.
---StrongAxe on 8/20/11


"To be technical, Jesus did not forbid divorce except in cases of adultery. He forbade remarriage after divorce."
StrongAxe
If you get "technical then go all the way. Jesus forbid the one who committed the adultery/fornication to remarry not the innocent party.
If I commit adultry then my wife can divorce me. It is I who will have the restriction to remarry. Do you think, after reading the Scripture, that God punishes the innocent?
---Elder on 8/20/11


Bless you Cluny. I almost missed your post.

Always good to be reminded that I'm not okay.

OH BTW....

CHRIST IS STILL RISEN!!!!!
---John on 8/19/11


It seems that soon after marrying, too many people start to pick apart their spouse when it is themselves that have the problem. First of all, this woman already had a child whom she did not consider in this marriage. She admits to ignoring red flags. Now she is pregnant with another child. And there are people who don't think she has a problem with inpulse control or self-control.
---KarenD on 8/19/11


paul:

To be technical, Jesus did not forbid divorce except in cases of adultery. He forbade remarriage after divorce.
---StrongAxe on 8/19/11

What exactly is your point, what came first the chicken or the egg.

Without adultery she has no grounds for divorce.

Paul
---paul on 8/19/11




\\Just got 3 more of these this week alone. I can't even keep track of them.
---John on 8/18/11\\

If you are counting the number of such posts in a week,, clearly you ARE keeping track of them.

But such contradictory statements are to be expected of someone who is not okay.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/19/11


paul:

To be technical, Jesus did not forbid divorce except in cases of adultery. He forbade remarriage after divorce.
---StrongAxe on 8/19/11


Jacki, when my husband began to do this, I maintained my own relationship with the Lord. I would pray every night, "Lord help us, Lord please heal this marriage and soften his heart to want to pray with me and be with me."

My ex would rather chat on the internet with his friends than spend New Years Eve with me. We went to counselling. all put the blame on me. GOD did NOT do that to me.

Keep praying and asking the Lord questions as to what you should do and ask Father God to soften your husband's heart.

If his heart doesn't soften and he continues on this wicked path, and abuses you in any way, including verbally, then leave him for your own safety and the safety of your children. I will be praying for you.
---Donna5535 on 8/19/11


John " We need to have a special Blog section for the "Sqawking Hens Club"!

Just got 3 more of these this week alone. I can't even keep track of them."

It's indicative of these last days, that so many are indeed hurting, mislead, troubled... in need of the lord Jesus Christ. Opportunities for the lord to work what He will.
---Chria9396 on 8/18/11


Absolutely agree with Elder's advice.
---Nana on 8/19/11


We need to have a special Blog section for the "Sqawking Hens Club"!

Just got 3 more of these this week alone. I can't even keep track of them.
---John on 8/18/11


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hi!those preceedind myself all make valid points,my exp. & question..mean exactly how? Threats,intimidation,physical abuse,etc.. If he voice threats may not be long phy.abuse going.."distant"...sketchy, too..( pray if you able) somtimes good to bring 3rd party Clergy or Minister, Seek MarriageCounselor,Socialwrk., Nurse & Doctors (most states keep records) give referrals do not isolate yourself!probably best. You fail to mention if he has depression,alcohol or drug abuse...
---ELENA on 8/18/11


//"You need help for your poor impulse control. The problem is you."
Karen,
I find this more hurtful and judgemental than helpful//

In a sense, Karen is right. however, impulse control is not very common for many here on CNet .
---aka on 8/18/11


"You need help for your poor impulse control. The problem is you."
Karen,
I find this more hurtful and judgemental than helpful.

But, like most everyone else so far, it really depends on
what you mean when you say he is mean.. and how far you are willing to let him go.
---TXNurse on 8/18/11


Seek God and do your best to instill Christian principles into your home.

If your husband is not a Christian then ,not naggingly, persuade him that he needs Gods help to be a proper leader in your home.

If he becomes abusive to you and your son get away from him immediately without hesitation.

If something happens to you or yours you will regret not doing so.

I'm not saying divorce for if he is not committing adultery you don't have that option.

Praying for you.

Paul
---paul on 8/18/11


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What red flags are you talking about?

And I'd like to hear your husband's side of the story.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 8/18/11


Jacki, " he has been mean and distant to me and my son." This could mean very different things to different people.
Are you a Christian? The best thing I know of, is to take it to God in prayer.
---Chria9396 on 8/18/11


If he didn't act this way before you married him did you might consider that there is some medical or chemical imbalance going on with him. Stress can trigger things like this also.
If you did see these attitudes with him before you married him then you need to seek a safe haven away from him before it gets worse. This may mean you have to leave everything behind just to protect your children and yourself. Prepare to move/get out and do it. Get law enforcement involved if you are or feel threatened in any way. Don't wait!
---Elder on 8/18/11


Get into counseling with a Christian licensed counselor immediately. You need help for your poor impulse control. You are already talking about "red flags" just one year into the marriage and already have a child by a previous relationship and are pregnant again. The problem is you.
---KarenD on 8/18/11


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