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Tell Wife Of Affair With Husband

I got involve sexually with a married guy for once only because he deceived me. He also knew before that, that I have feelings for him. Do I need to tell his wife about this because I'm so hurt.

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 ---dorain on 9/13/11
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I have to agree with those that are on here to leave the person wife out of it. I was just like u hun and I thought since I knew him through high school days and I asked him up front if he was married because I refused to be a home wrecker, long story short I found out by his wife calling me and I had already ended it because he was nuts, but anyways she knew I didn't know and forgave me and his wife and I became friends, but I just let it be because I didn't want to deal with him in my life and now I have a Godly man now and I couldn't be more happier. So live it be.
---Ann on 12/17/11


Jed, I agree on James 5:19.20. the passage is not saying if you turn someone who wonders from the Truth, your own sins are covered.
The topic is the Church. If someone's sick, pray for them, if they are suffering help them. Then James uses "sinner" a word to describe unregenerates. James has in mind those with dead faith (2:14-26) not sinning true believers. Those who stray away doctrinally (v.19) A person who wonders from the truth is in jeopardy of eternal death, separation from God and eternal punishment, apostates. (Isa.66:24: Dan. 12:2: Matt. 13:40, 42,50 etc). Since even one sin is enough to condemn a person to hell, James use of the word "multitude" emphasize the hopeless condition of lost unregenerate sinners.
---Mark_V. on 12/14/11


...do you THINK these "covered sins" are about the sinners sins? the non-believers sins? incredible to believe that ...Apostles sins? -Rhonda on 12/08/11

Well, since everyone on earth is a sinner, including believers and apostles, I would have to say yes it is talking about sinner's sins. Cover a non-sinner's sins? That's an oxymoron. A non-sinner would have no sin to cover. So are you saying that this woman can cover her own sin's by exposing the man's sins because he is a sinner and she is not? Both of them committed the exact same sin together and are equally as guilty.

BTW, I did not assume anything about this woman. I said she is blaming the man because that is what she has done in all of her posts here.
---Jed on 12/9/11


Rhonda, you mis-read the scripture again even after I pointed out your error, incredible!
****incredible to you Jed because you didn't read context of passage

...do you THINK these "covered sins" are about the sinners sins? this would involve REJECTING multiple passages about sin to believe this

the non-believers sins? incredible to believe that ...Apostles sins?

hmm we are running out of options ...best to READ a passage with understanding of topic involving sin

as for me misinterpreting your posts ...not at all ...you have a list of do's and don'ts - concepts not in Holy Scripture ...then you also MUST assume much about this women to make assertions about how the women handles her actions
---Rhonda on 12/8/11


Rhonda, you mis-read the scripture again even after I pointed out your error, incredible! KJV says bringing a brother to truth "covers a multitued of sins" not "a multitude of YOUR OWN sins" as you say it does. And you repeatedly falsely acuse me of wanting to hide the sin even though I have said the sin should not remain hidden and that the wife should know. You seem to have trouble understanding simple concepts. I have never suggested hiding or covering up sin. To the contrary, I am arguing against this woman tying to evade responsibility for her own sin by placing all the blame on the man. Apparently you think that is okay. You are the one who is excusing sin here, not me. The husband should tell his wife.
---Jed on 12/7/11




You misquoted scripture...multitude of THEIR sins, NOT YOUR OWN
****

not according to Holy Scripture James 5:20 ...shall save a soul from death, AND shall hide a multitude of sins

Jed you are very clear ...you want to hide the liars cheaters and thieves from yourself ones you love ones they have deceived ...choosing to ignore deceivers ...looking the other way one shows by LACK of ACTION they agree with and accept the liar cheat thief

True Believers have responsibility and do not shrink and slither away like a snake and the loose morals/characters of world

I could reword this a thousand different ways yet you are headstrong prefer to CONFORM to world and its ways rather than way of life following Christ
---Rhonda on 12/6/11


Rhonda, I did not make any assumptions. It is clear from her several posts she is judging and passing the blame onto him. Yes, true believers don't hide their own sins, but they do not blame others or excuse their sin because of someone else's sin, like she has done here. You misquoted scripture. It says when you bring a sinner back to truth you save THEM from death and cover a multitude of THEIR sins, NOT YOUR OWN. Exposing someone else' sins doesn't justify yours. It's obvious this woman has no intention on bringing this man to truth in order to save him, but rather to bring him to "justice" for revenge. I have repeated several times I'm not saying the wife shouldn't know. This woman needs to repent and accept responsibility.
---Jed on 12/3/11


Rhonda:

Don't forgive a third alternative: .....Note how Jesus dealt with the woman taken in adultery.
****

Amen prayer to overcome and forgiveness takes character and strength - cannot build if never given opportunity!

Jed you make assumptions she is judging further TRUE BELIEVERS do not hide their sins or others LEST you forget the Apostles teachings when you bring a sinner back to truth you COVER a multitude of your own sins James 5:19-20 ...the world can turn their backs and PRETEND the liar cheater and thief is invisible True Believers never seek to become like the liar cheater or sinner by playing let's pretend too ...big difference in LIVING and walking with Christ and living for world and ignoring
---Rhonda on 12/3/11


Let's not forget that the mistress is also a cheater and adulterer. She is in no position to judge the man, especially since she hasn't even taken responsibility and accepted blame for her actions either.
---Jed on 12/1/11


Rhonda:

Don't forgive a third alternative: Acknowledge the truth, but then continue to live with the cheater (because you've forgiven her). Note how Jesus dealt with the woman taken in adultery.
---StrongAxe on 12/1/11




If you believe that, then wouldn't it have been better for you and your family to just pretend it didn't happen in the first place, once you DID find out?
---StrongAxe on 11/27/11
****

AMEN!!

and still people will argue and insist it is better to hide the truth and live the lie WITH THE CHEATER!!!

in essence failing to understand when one hides the truth they themselves BECOME the LIAR

everytime you fail to tell the truth you live a lie ...everytime you prefer to hide the truth you live a lie ...LYING for others and hiding their deceits makes it EASIER to tell your own lies

Satan is the FATHER of LIES
---Rhonda on 11/30/11


Strongaxe, very good points you gave concerning motives. I had not thought of that. Our motives could be good, but the results could be bad. Thanks brother, peace
---Mark_V. on 11/29/11


Mark_V.:

Yes, motive should definitely be part of the equation of EVERYTHING we do. (On the other hand, sometimes it only matters to us, but not to others. For example, if we give to charity, the recipients benefit regardless of our motives. Similarly, people can benefit from preaching of the gospel, even if those who preach it do it for impure motives (see Phillipians 1:15-18).
---StrongAxe on 11/29/11


Strongaxe, after following this blog I come to the conclusion that the moral thing to do is to tell her. But only if the motive behind telling her is for the good of the wife, and for been honest with God. If the motive behind telling her is to ruin him, then the answer is no. So I believe the answer lies with the intent of the heart. In other words, "what is the motive behind trying to tell her"? what do you think?
---Mark_V. on 11/29/11


all you need do is confess your sins to God and ask him for forgiveness,and try living a pure life.Going to tell his wife would only lead to further damage,not only to him but you aswell.
---ella on 11/28/11


Movingon:

You wrote: Go right ahead and tell her if you get pleasure out ruining a family then by all means. You not only ruin a marriage but you destroy the children as well.

The family was already ruined when the father decided to commit adultery - the fact that they don't know it yet is beside the point. Would your own family life have been better if your ex had cheated on you, but you never found out?

If you believe that, then wouldn't it have been better for you and your family to just pretend it didn't happen in the first place, once you DID find out?
---StrongAxe on 11/27/11


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Rhonda:
We are not in a position to know what is best. Many years ago, my ex wife did not tell me that she had cheated on me (before we were married). When we were married, that act led to so much trouble that in the end she decided to leave me and go marry the man she'd slept with before we were married.

Better she'd told me earlier
---Peter on 11/27/11


hurt and revenge are not the same. -Ronda 11/26/11

Revenge comes from anger, and anger from hurt. Telling the wife simply out of hurt is not the right thing to do. That's called revenge. Read her posts again. She doesn't express a desire to do the right thing out concern for either this man, his wife, or their marriage. She sounds like a child saying "I'm telling on you" just to get him in trouble because she got her feelings hurt, which is wrong. I already stated, I'm not saying the wife doesn't need to know.
---Jed on 11/26/11


..her only intent is to get revenge by breaking up this man's marriage
****

hurt and revenge are not the same

how is it so many people assume the marriage will break up giving the spouse who has been cheated on no credit for the ability to forgive?

as I already stated it is amazing how many are deceived with deception and are willing to live a LIE for someone else

no small wonder children today are so confused on the concept of RESPONSIBILITY when adults today dodge any and all responsibility ESPECIALLY the ones professing their pious religious love - most are unaware how empty that love is when they choose lies and half truths in life
---Rhonda on 11/26/11


If you participated in a sinful relationship with a man, whether you believed him to be single or not, you have no justification in contacting the wife at all. Just because you are hurt does not mean you should tell the wife. It is this man's responsibility to confess to his wife.

Confess and repent of your sin of fornication, and move on with your life. Get involved in a Ladies Bible study, and seek a discipleship relationship with a mature woman who can guide you in your walk with the Lord, and hold you accountable to a pure and holy life.
---Trish on 11/20/11


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Rhonda, you seem to be missing the fact that this woman has equal part in this adultery. I'm not saying the wife should not be told. I'm saying that it's quite obvious this woman has not repented herself because her only intent is to get revenge by breaking up this man's marriage simply because she discovered she was not the only one. She does not seem remorseful for the damage that she herself has caused to this marriage. And yes there is a right reason. The right reason to tell the wife would be so that the man and wife could work things out together and save their marriage before his adultery continues even further, or prevent further pain to his wife by prolonging a divorce allowing more affairs. But revenge is never the right reason.
---Jed on 11/20/11


She's not wanting to do it for the right reasons, she's doing it because she's angry and hurt.
---Jed on 11/17/11
*****

and those "right reasons" are?

the poster finds out she is one of MANY regardless of being "angry and hurt" her failure to TELL the wife only makes her an equal partner in deceit

the wife has most likely had her health compromised among many other things

there are no "right reasons" however NOT telling is not "right" either

TWO wrongs will never equal right

further protecting a cheater always leads to greater loss
---Rhonda on 11/19/11


. Do I need to tell his wife about this because I'm so hurt.
---dorain on 9/13/11

NO YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL HIS WIFE:

Psalms 51:4 Against thee( GOD), thee only, have I sinned, and done [this] evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, [and] be clear when thou judgest
---francis on 11/18/11


selfish because she is taking responsibility?? -Ronda 11/17/11

But she's not taking responsibility. In several posts on this thread she has continually tried to place the blame on the man she had the affair with. All of her responses show that she feels she has been used and abused rather than an equal partner in this sin. She somehow feels justified by the fact this man has allegedly done it with other women as well. She's not wanting to do it for the right reasons, she's doing it because she's angry and hurt.
---Jed on 11/17/11


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Its a very selfish move on your part as well as her husbands.
*****

selfish because she is taking responsibility??

interesting how society has gone to a new low ...PROTECTING the liars thieves and cheaters among us

the poster is one of few taking responsibility today for her wrong

destroy a marriage?? WOW you give this mans wife no credit ...she has a right to walk away something she will have taken from her by not knowing

she also has the ability to forgive and stay and AGAIN something she would never have by not knowing

the husband who cheated already MADE his choice instead of protecting him allow the wife to make hers
---Rhonda on 11/17/11


Go right ahead and tell her if you get pleasure out ruining a family then by all means. You not only ruin a marriage but you destroy the children as well. My daughter is still in therapy after ex affair. Its a very selfish move on your part as well as her husbands.
---Movingon on 11/16/11


Dorian, again, please do yourself a favor and stop acting like you are a victim. You're just as guilty and responsible as he is. Just because he may have done this with others before does not excuse you or any of the other women he has been with. He did not have a single one of those affairs without another participant. Now you are trying to make it seem like you just want to do the right thing by his wife when in reality you are trying to get back at him because you are mad and hurt, as your origional post suggests.
---Jed on 9/26/11


Dorain: I strongly feel you should not be the one that will tell the wife or influence others to tell her. It may mean because you did not enjoy the fling with the husband, therefore you desire to spoil his wife's mind and his marriage. Sounds like a revenge mission. Vengeance belongs to God.
---Adetunji on 9/26/11


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Gordon: I think you got my point here. his wife is my co church and i knew already the ugly activities of his husband b4 but they keep telling me not to tell her it took 5 yrs for her to know the truth. Why prolong the agony.
---dorain on 9/24/11


Gordon: I agree totally that the best thing is for the husband to totally repent, forsake & confess his sin. I hope he is reading too.
---Adetunji on 9/24/11


Adetunji, Yes. GOD's Timing is always best. :-) But, the betrayed spouse must know at some time. Sooner or later. Imagine if the husband truly confesses and repents of this Adultery, to never do it again, and does this repenting before the LORD....But, says nothing to his wife, because, well....he's confessed and repented, it's over now, time to move on, etc. And, then, SOMEHOW, the past discretion leaks out, and the wife finds out about it "second hand" through the grape vine, Don't you imagine how betrayed and angry she would feel? "How could he do this, and not ever mention it and be truthful to ME?" she would ask. No. It's best for him NOT to try to sweep it under the rug. But, rather, to directly tell her about it.
---Gordon on 9/23/11


Gordon: I agree with somethings you wrote. But I know God gives room for repentance until a certain threshold is reached. (1) if the wife is faithful to God/husband and (2) Husband fails to repent, God Himself will expose & severely punish the defaulting spouse(in this case husband). God's time=best.
---Adetunji on 9/23/11


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Adentuji, Are you kidding? His wife MUST know. In the marriage, the two were made one. What one does as a sexual sin such as Adultery ALREADY effects the other spouse, whether that spouse yet knows of it or not. For, the unsuspecting wife will find out about the husband's sin, whether or not he directly tells her or not, anyway, just by his waning intimacy with her, or by some other lack of expression of love. For, his sin will show through one way or the other. It is best for the wife to be told. BEST that the husband speak up, but, if not, she'll have to find out the uglier way.
---Gordon on 9/22/11


Dorain, Of course not. Just because you are hurt, you now want to hurt him and in the process you want to break her heart while you are at it, just not right. You got involve with a married guy, that was wrong to begin with. Then you didn't like what he did so now you are going to hurt his wife. That is not good at all. Let them work out their own problems, and you work out yours with God. If you were a good friend of hers and you were not involve, and you wanted her to know because you loved her, then I would say "maybe yes," tell her. But you have different motives that are not good. Ask God to forgive you. Be sincere, and walk a path of righteousness.
---Mark_V. on 9/17/11


Dorain: Sexual involvement is not a sin that you can blame 1 person out of the 2 for. You seem to absolve yourself of blame & in your heart condemn the man. the 2 of you are guilty at the same time. Your refusal of the act could have saved the 2 of you. Why are you thinking of hurting his wife who was not involved in the sin with the knowledge?
---Adetunji on 9/16/11


Dorain, in the absence of scripture directly applying to a situation, I try to act with love and by applying the Golden Rule to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If someone had an affair with my spouse, I would want to be told. But you need to make sure you are doing it for the benefit of the abused spouse and not because you feel hurt or want to hurt the adulterer. It might help you provide some closure, but that would be an added benefit and helping self heal should not be the primary reason for revealing the secret. I suggest discussing such action first with your pastor to ensure your motives are pure.
---Rocky on 9/14/11


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///I don't know how to stop him except to tell his wife.
---dorain on 9/14/11///

You can STOP him by staying away from him COMPLETELY, do whatever it takes to get him out of your life..change your phone number, stop going to the same church as he does.

He knew you had feelings for him and he was married and he went forward and had relations with you? Sorry but men like this need to be tarred and feathered.

Why did you give into your feelings? Forgive yourself and ask God to forgive you. Seek counselling with your Pastor, he should be able to help you.

I hope you let go of the feelings you have for him. He is only lusting for you, it has nothing to do with loving you as Christ loved the Church.
---Donna5535 on 9/14/11


Your situation is a perfect example of why adultery is so dangerous and wrong. It can backfire on you. You were a willing partner in this evil scheme. You may be putting your own life in danger by telling his wife. You took a chance and lost. Accept it and move on. You brought this on yourself. You are lucky to be alive. Please leave this smut life behind and never get involved with a married person again. Change begins with you. Lack of wisdom and understanding caused your hurt and pain. The wife probably knows the bas___------- she married. she does not have to hear it from you. Steer clear of the wife.
---Robyn on 9/13/11


because it's not only me who was deceived there are also other girls and his wife doesn't know about this. Been avoiding this guy I don't know how to stop him except to tell his wife.
---dorain on 9/14/11


In the David & Besheba story,the victim was her husband,he plot & straight away send Uriah to the front..In your mind you the victim.. Even if only a minute,be true you thought it entertain the idea intimacy with that married guy... Now,as the brothers on here say... It's true,his wife the victim.In Christ is love,forgiveness....We all sinners now "wash 'n the blood of the lamb".... talk to the Lord sometimes,good talk to a clergy too...Wish you the best!
---ELENA on 9/13/11


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I generally agree with the comments from Wivv, Andy, Jed, and Cluny, especially Andys suggestion to talk with your pastor. You need to focus on earning Gods forgiveness and forgiving yourself, and om moving on to a healthy and happy life. You might also meditate and think about what is missing in your life that motivated you to get involved with a married man. Develop a plan to fill the gap, with as much love and Spirit as possible. Do you have close family members or friends to provide support?
---Rocky on 9/13/11


And just how did the married man with whom you had an affair "deceive" you?

Sounds to me more likely that the two of you deceived his wife.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/13/11


Quit trying to convince yourself and others that you are a victim. The only victim is his wife. This is just as much your fault as it is his. I'm sure your feelings are hurt because he chose to stay with his wife and end his affair with you. You've already caused enough damage in his relationship, now you want to be a complete homewrecker too? Just leave his family alone.
---Jed on 9/13/11


So your looking to break them up?

ad evil to bad. if anything go to the nearest pastor and confess.
---andy3996 on 9/13/11


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To quote someone, "No one can take advantage of you unless you let them." "NO", DON'T tell his wife. It will do more damage to you than to anyone else. Besides, it reads like your motive is mostly revenge, and that's how is will be "looked" at by his wife.
---wivv on 9/13/11


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