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Afraid Of Girlfriend's Past

My girlfriend isn't a virgin. I feel I have forgiven her past, but I worry about our future "bed life". I have fear and anxiety that I will be compared and fall short. Even being compared and coming out ahead makes me sick. If we marry our first experience will be years after her last time.

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 ---ryan on 10/10/11
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So Ryan, did you marry her? You seem to be more advanced than I was when I faced this same dilemma. I wasn't saved at the time either. I didn't receive Christ til 7 mos after I married. Now I am divorced 2 yrs and 2 yrs separated. She eventually strayed before the marriage, during the marriage, while separated and has like 5th sexual partner now. Younger guy. I can't win. Sad thing is we had kids and now my sons have to endure something that they shouldn't have to go through. And yeah, the comparison thing never goes out of the mind. The guy my ex is with now is half my age and twice my size. So when she came over, laid in my bed, talks of reconciling I could feel her still thinking bout last guy. But she kept saying I can't do this.
---ja on 1/14/12


A myth for you virgins to spread to the others: If her "experience" meant anything, she would not be with you. She's your girl, so no other man nor her past matters. Believing this one secret makes the great lovers. Pleasing her is simple, but takes dedication--watch a few body massage films & a free illustrated ebook. Use it (Enjoy her like Song of Songs). Write your own sexual poetry based on what you'd like to do to her & perform it with feedback. She knows the Holy Spirit made you for her, so repent of your fear & rejoice in the undefiled bed you were destined to have fun in. If you have an "ending" before her, laugh and say, "wow, firecrackers already, and I was just getting started!"
---John on 10/30/11


Jed thanks for the correction. i am not a prophet. don't know the future. only know that I'm taking my new tv back to the store after church. i also know God love's me. also know no one knows the future. assumptions of the future are just assumptions. also know jealousy is sin when it comes from man. sin has consequences. that is my stand. sin helps no one.
---Adam on 10/30/11


Trav I have experienced jealousy. I know it's sin. it's self-seeking.

.... he needs to forgive and move on.
---Adam on 10/28/11

Self seeking? Sin? You know it? May GOD educate ya on that, will leave it him.
We did come to a point of agreement. Ryan knows the difference. It's already a problem that he won't have if he, forgives that girl and finds a Virgin.
You should find one too,...if you don't seek "Virtuous" for Adam...who will. Who cares more for you than you.
If you can't love yourself how can.....
Pro 12:4
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
Pro 31:10
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
---Trav on 10/28/11


with his jealousy, he will always remember the guy, and everyone she talks to later, will bring fear to him, fear that she will leave him and go with the other. he will torment himself. self inflicted wounds. and if she says she is a virgin, and he marries her, he will not find out the truth until after he marries her. -Adam on 10/28/11

Adam, are you a prophet? Can you see the future? You already who what is going to happen?
---Jed on 10/28/11




Trav I have experienced jealousy. I know it's sin. it's self-seeking. this person who blogged is jealous and he hasn't got married yet. someone has already slept with her. with his jealousy, he will always remember the guy, and everyone she talks to later, will bring fear to him, fear that she will leave him and go with the other. he will torment himself. self inflicted wounds. and if she says she is a virgin, and he marries her, he will not find out the truth until after he marries her. he needs to forgive and move on.
---Adam on 10/28/11


Trav you encourage man to be sinful, jealous, and except it as if its ok. you have seen what it has done to marriages, it destroys them.
---Adam on 10/26/11

Adam ole pal, neither encourage or discourage.
Men and women allowances or personal problems destroy marriages.
If GOD hadn't have been Jealous.... he would not have felt love or posessiveness. He was Jealous 1st because of the shame on his name. Which is not allowed. You will feel the same if/when one...perceived more special than yourself is chosen over you.
Only one GOD.
One Husband/Head in a marriage. GOD/Israel, no room for another GOD.
1 Cor 11:9
Neither was the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man.
---Trav on 10/27/11


Trav you encourage man to be sinful, jealous, and except it as if its ok. you have seen what it has done to marriages, it destroys them. I already know what jealousy does, and since I am not married, I would never want to be jealous because if I became jealous I would sin. I don't know if I will or not, but I know it is sin. if a wife is going to commit adultery, they will find a way. the same way man are able to find a way.
---Adam on 10/26/11


That means husbands and wives are to submit to one another.
---Trish9863 on 10/25/11

Trish, Paul was not talking about husbands and wives in verse 21. Read from the beginning of the chapter. In verses 1-21 he is talking to the Ephesians collectively. He was telling the Ephesians to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. He began to address wives and husbands in verse 22 with "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Husbands are never told in the Bible to submit to their wives.
---Jed on 10/25/11


Jed: Before Paul wrote that wives were to submit to their husbands he wrote verse 22, in Ephesians 5.

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That means husbands and wives are to submit to one another.
---Trish9863 on 10/25/11




Trav you speak sinful. all your remarks are sinful. who said anything about sharing your wife in bed? not I.
---Adam on 10/25/11

Don't believe I put it in those words either. Well you don't have a wife yet. You kinda boxed yourself in. I remember being young having ideals that weren't tested in fire yet.
You take Ryans girl. Both of you will feel relieved. You like used, he likes his new.
2 Corinthians 11:2
For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.
---Trav on 10/25/11


Submit means to respect and honor your wife. -Robyn 10/25/2011

That's funny since the command for submission was given to the wife, not the husband.

Robyn, I agree with what you say about the husband repecting, honoring, and not abusing the wife. This is part of how he fulfills his duty to love his wife. I also agree that she should not be treated like one of the kids. But I do not agree with your definition of submission. The definition of submission is obedience. The wife is to obey the husband, end of story. Neither command to the wife or the husband was conditional on the other party fulfilling their part. It does not say submit to your husband if he loves you, and it does not say love your wife if she obeys you.
---Jed on 10/25/11


Submit means to respect and honor your wife, Jed. And vice versa. To never verbally,physically harm your wife in any way. She has the power to make decision in the home, just as you do. But the head(husband) should be consulted, most times. Vice versa. Especially on major issues. No major decisions should be made by either spouse unless the other is notified. If husband and wife disagrees, at any time. The husband(head) is to make the last decision, for the benefit of the entire family. But he should consider the wife's opinion, at all times. He should never treat her as one of the kids. Or disrespect her in any way. Same goes for the wife. To honor,love and respect one another. That is the foundation for a happy marriage.
---Robyn on 10/25/11


Trav you speak sinful. all your remarks are sinful. who said anything about sharing your wife in bed? not I. when man is jealous they are sinful, when God is jealous there is no sin in Him. you compare sinful man with a holy righteous God. your mind is twisted and sinful.
---Adam on 10/25/11


trav I think that man should be loving and not restrict their wives as if she was a slave. ---Adam on 10/25/11

I safely predict you won't tolerate your lovey Dovie to stay out dancing all night at the local club.
My wife is as free as a bird. Not necessary to test the marriage.
Here is my wife.
10Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
15She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
18She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
---Trav on 10/25/11


Trav I am not married and don't know why you would say that I have accepted sharing my wife/or girl friends with others.
you are comparing man with God. not even close.
---Adam on 10/24/11

Not married. Then you have no experience. You also are a liar or ?? if you think you won't be jealous at some point. Or her. If you are not, then you are willing to share.....and just don't care.
I pointed out that GOD was a Jealous GOD.
Cross the line wi my wife, catch one up side the head Tonto. I'm a jealous Husband. Head don't tolerate you messing with the tail.
Comparing? Being like GOD??
John 10:34
Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods?
Maybe ur not. It's stated also.
---Trav on 10/25/11


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trav I think that man should be loving and not restrict their wives as if she was a slave. the wives can think, move, love, have an opinion, and make decisions. they share life with you, just like you share your life with her. If you are jealous it can only bring trouble. just my thoughts.
---Adam on 10/25/11


Trav I am not married and don't know why you would say that I have accepted sharing my wife/or girl friends with others.
If I was married I would not own my wife. She would be her own person. marriage would not give me the right to stop her from looking at other man or woman or going to the store, or having to work among man and woman. what you are saying is to lock her up in the house. not to share her with anyone.
When the time comes for God to judge her, I will not be next to her to vouch for her, or tell God I told her to do something that was wrong. She would have to answer for herself, and I would have to answer for myself. you are comparing man with God. not even close.
---Adam on 10/24/11


ryan, you do have a huge problem with jealousy.
that fear will not go away.

she needs to find someone without the problem you have.
---Adam on 10/23/11

GOD is Jealous.
Exodus 34:14
For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:
2 Corinthians 11:2
For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.

Stikes me adam has accepted sharing the wife/girlfriend.

Find your Virgin Ryan. She's looking for you too. She'd never be fulfilled with an Adam.
---Trav on 10/24/11


Robyn, Will you explain to me what submit means then? By definition submit means to obey or subject. Since you obviously disagree with the fact that submission equates obedience, what do you think it means?
---Jed on 10/23/11


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Robyn: I totally agree with your last post. A person can divorce, and remain single. Also, the word submit has been misused by Jed here. Thanks for clarifying your view on divorce and the role of the wife
---Trish on 10/23/11


Jed: 'as she says one should be closer to their friends than their own spouse. She appears to have deep rooted resentment toward men.'

Consider, Jed, the necessary assumption you must make to make such a statement......

Have you worked your NECESSARY assumption?????

Have you??????

But I know VERY WELL that you are making a FALSE assumption, from my own experience.

I'll tell you what you've assumed tomorrow, in the hope that you will already have guessed it
---Peter on 10/22/11


ryan, you do have a huge problem with jealousy. that fear will not go away. if coming out ahead make you sick, just think how you will feel if you do not come out ahead. that will be worse. she needs to find someone without the problem you have. Many a man have that problem, comparing themselves to others. when she talks to one guy your heart will stop. if she goes out to the store you will be worried.
---Adam on 10/23/11


You know Jed you are not even worth answering. But for the sake of play I will. What the heck. I have never advised anyone to flat out leave their husbands,kids or family. We should always obey the precepts and commands of God. God said He hates divorce. I have never read anywhere in the bible we should stay in abusive relationship or anything close to that. If you read my posts very closely. I always suggest prayer because God is able to change any situation. But we do have free will and hopefully,spiritual discernment. I always give the flip side of an answer as well. We do have choices, in life. Also you need to run reference on the word submit. You are light years away from knowing what it means.
---Robyn on 10/22/11


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Men don't make or break me Jed. I have lived as a free woman all of my life. Can live with 'em or without 'em.
---Robyn on 10/14/11

That's what the head does, it control the body.
---Jed on 10/20/11

Was going on her post above. She likes all this attention really. Look at her grin at this post.....we see you girl. By provocation she validates her experience with men. Just needs a good prayer whippin maybe?

As to your reply....what the head thinks the body follows. None of always think straight. Why we need a good rebuke now and then. Right Robyn? She does a world of good....we all need something to gauge by. In this case her past husbands. Anyone that likes Grits ..has...tastes like my wife!! Scary.
---Trav on 10/21/11


Robyn who's never married -Trav on 10/19/11

Trav, in the "Approach friend with HIV" thread, Robyn reported that she has been married for years.

Robyn is not the best person to take relatioship advice from, as she says one should be closer to their friends than their own spouse. She appears to have deep rooted resentment toward men. Several times on this site she has encouraged other women to disrespect their husband's God-given authority. She has even encouraged women to divorce their "controlling" husbands. Well guess what Robyn, the husband IS SUPPOSED to control his family. That's what the head does, it control the body.
---Jed on 10/20/11


Ryan do what you want but please do not listen to anything Trav says.

And probably has never been in a relationship in his life! Pls listen.
---Robyn on 10/19/11

Well if based on my grits experience. I've lived both sides. When young I foolishly liked them on the trashy side. And repent...my attitude. (Daughter...grandaughters now) May GOD hedge them from the Robynworld advice.

I'd be dead many years, but GOD blessed me with a good wife. A Ruby. 35 years plus. Ups...downs...sure. Like most.
Robyn who's never married says Ryan...embrace her old ghost's for "Life".
Why? Wanna be the one? Or some number of many? Choose a "LIFE" clean companion.
Ask GOD the male pattern.
---Trav on 10/19/11


Ryan do what you want but please do not listen to anything Trav says. This person is not lucid at all. And probably has never been in a relationship in his life! Now who would listen to a bloody thing he says? You will be a very old,old person before you find a virgin of legal age. Trust me. It may happen, but you want be able to do anything with her, at that time, because you will be so old. Make a move now while you are (I think) in reasonably good health and could do a virgin( or any lady) some good. Pls listen.
---Robyn on 10/19/11


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Try to, "Follow peace with all men(women) and holiness, without which no man shall see God Heb.12:14". I assume you do not have peace in the relationship, if my assumption is correct then you should not be with her.
---Adetunji on 10/19/11


If I were the girfriend Ryan. I would never in a million years marry you! And you have the nerve to be concerned about her past.
---Robyn on 10/14/11

There it is Ryan. Robyn did you say you'd been single for 60 years? //And I don't buy no pig in a poke. If you know what I mean.//
You bought many pigs?

Hold out for a Virgin Ryan. GOD did. Christ does. Both men.
A man(Adam)thing...you'll never get good advice on Steaks at a hog farm.
---Trav on 10/14/11


People in sin don't know how to do it > Jesus says, "without Me you can do nothing," in John 15:5. If you are growing in God's love, you will keep discovering the beautiful intimacy you enjoy together while doing all kinds of things. And if she is enjoying and appreciating God's love with you, she won't be comparing you with some child of Satan who used to use her for immoral stuff. So, the question is are you growing in love, or falling in something else?
---Bill_willa6989 on 10/14/11


If I were the girfriend Ryan. I would never in a million years marry you! And you have the nerve to be concerned about her past. Put the past where it belongs......in the past! Seems to me you are much to immature and shallow to be marrying anyone,right now. Why do you feel she would compare you with other men? I have a feeling I know what is going on with you. One of the main things anyway. God knows what else you may be dealing with. Issues,issues. Don't need 'em.
---Robyn on 10/14/11


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My girlfriend isn't a virgin. I feel I have forgiven her past...----Blog

Are you desperate?
Find yourself a Virgin.
Perhaps a Virgin Nurse. (Female) Modern PC obamination Nurses have all the newest answers and can treat boo-boo's and James Cone Bible issues.

Yeah....may be impossible to find one.....that isn't already comp-romised.

Leviticus 21:14
A widow, or a divorced woman, or profane, or an harlot, these shall he not take: but he shall take a virgin of his own people to wife.
---Trav on 10/14/11


hello! Andy3996... ha! ha! brother,you just special like we say n Spanish! That's all there is to it! Love of Jesus! Smile :)
---ELENA on 10/14/11


hello, everyone.. Got to say that I agreewith Robyn!... that not a good attitude to enter into married life. It based on love & committment not just the intimacy ... You being a Christian all the better.. forgiveness a great virtue. We all need to practice.I used to take care a lill ole lady never married! Had a lot of problems ....Dr. Said she'd been better if had've gotten married! I wish you both every happiness. but thank God she honest with you.
---ELENA on 10/14/11


how do you mean not many virgins arround these days?

i would say more and more every day.

i was a virgin when i was born, and that never changes. even when i'm married
---andy3996 on 10/14/11


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Shame on all of you judgmental people out there.
---ryan on 10/11/11
****

and shame on you for judging those who offered an opinion and took the time to respond

your ungratefulness to the people who responded demonstrates you level of maturity is certainly not worthy of marriage

makes me sick to think this poor women will probably accept your marriage proposal and you will simply torment her for the rest of your married life for the PAST she cannot change

seen it done before - you won't be the last
---Rhonda on 10/13/11


Not many virgins these days. morality has hit a new low but on the otherhand, God forgives if we ask. If you aren't pure then maybe she needs to worry about that too. GOD FORGIVES. That does not mean we can keep sinning.
---shira4368 on 10/13/11


You know John I will not say whether or not I was a virgin when I married. But I will say this. I would rather know what I was getting in the romance/sex department,upfront. I don't buy no pig in a poke. If you know what I mean. Since marriage is suppose to be forever. I want to know what I am settling down with. I want the whole package! No little bit here and there. I am choosy. I give a lot. I expect a lot. No excuses on the wedding night/day. I don't want a half man. I need the whole thing. Since your girlfriend isn't a virgin. Let her teach you a trick or two. I still don't understand why people insist on making their lives so difficult.
---Robyn on 10/13/11


Are you stating that you were not a virgin when you married Robyn and that's OK to a Holy God? I just want to make sure of the advice you are given here.
---John on 10/12/11


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What make you men think all of you deserve virgins? Wanting a virgin is the worse ego trip a man can be on. And vice versa. If someone happens to be a virgin when you meet,ok. But I doubt if many virgins are around these days. If you find a good man/woman. Be thankful. Humans are always creating huge problems for themselves. Then they want to blame others or lie when things go sour. Good grief! Ad nauseum.................
---Robyn on 10/12/11


Ryan...I have an evangelist friend who has been saving himself for marriage until he finds a woman as "pure" as he is. He's now almost 60. Think about it.
---KarenD on 10/11/11


WIVV gives the best advice Ryan. Consider it.
---Moderator on 10/11/11


\\When you accepted Jesus as your Lord, He accepted you despite your past.\\
---John6397 on 10/10/11

You have the sequence backward.
---James_L on 10/10/11


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Also, the only reason that this is the only topic I'm writing about is because this is the only thing that worries me! Anyone with actual experience (like one commenter already has shown) is really all I care about. All of you "holier-than-thou" types can keep on moving. I'm a good Godly man looking for advice in a Christian forum. I'm not asking advice for any other area in my life or my relationship. I just wanted to hear something positive from someone who had gone through something similar. Shame on all of you judgmental people out there.
---ryan on 10/11/11


Have you discussed this fear & anxiety you have with her? Until you can overcome this fear & anxiety situation, you should not marry. Once you are married, it could turn into a trust issue - anytime she looks at a man or is later than you think she should be in coming home from work, etc., you will think she is cheating on you. One other suggestion other than taking with her, is to get joint marital counseling - from a qualifid counselor.
---wivv on 10/10/11


Overcome your worry.be secured first in your own self not gauging yourself base on how you are in bed.marriage life is more than this thing.love, respect and trust play a major role.know your future wife deeply,what she is up to?what is her priority?then rethink if you have reason to worry base on her personality.if you cannot accept her the way she is,better to end the relationship as early as this.
---mj on 10/10/11


When I married, my wife was not a virgin. However, it is easy to say not to worry. Instead, I will say this. When you accepted Jesus as your Lord, He accepted you despite your past. He loves you despite what you have done. Love your future wife as Christ loved you when you accepted Him as Lord. Let trust, forgiveness, and love rule your relationship.
---John6397 on 10/10/11


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NurseRobert, thank you for your inquisition. I will quote Ryan, "I have fear and anxiety that I will be compared.... "

Thank you for letting me quote what HE said, NOT what I said.
---anon on 10/10/11


Anon, just where in Ryans post did he say this woman was "comparing" him to others? You just jumped to a grossly incorrect conclusion, based on Ryans paranoid belief that she would.
---NurseRobert on 10/10/11


So she has a past? As the line in STEEL MAGNOLIAS says, these days, if you can achieve puberty you can achieve a past.

However, perfect love casts out fear, as the Apostle said.

If being compared with other men worries you, you should not consider marrying her.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 10/10/11


It is you that has a problem, not this woman. Please do not ruin her life by marrying her. God forgave her for her past, but you obviously haven't.
---KarenD on 10/10/11


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Give your fears over to God., be in prayer I hope neither of you worry about 'performance', while to some extent it is only natural, preoccupation with how one performs is IMO, worldly thinking., and is not how God intended intimacy between a husband and wife. Simply love her and Im sure youll be fine.
---Chria9396 on 10/10/11


you have "forgiven" her past? Are you playing "god"? no mortal man has the right to forgive someone else's sins ...she has not committed any wrong to you

YOU either accept or you don't accept her past - there is nothing to forgive on your part you cannot change her past and neither can she

your self-imposed fear and anxiety will only increase AFTER marriage

I suggest you find yourself a mate exactly like you this way you have eliminated your perfect-mate syndrome and you will not cause any heartache for this women because you clearly do not love her - you seem to be marrying for other reasons
---Rhonda on 10/10/11


Ryan, who are you to "forgive her past?" Who died and made you God? You need to look at who she is now, not what she was.

You are immature and in no way ready to be married. Do your girlfriend a favor and either get some psychological help for yourself or break up with her and let her find a man worthy of her love.
---NurseRobert on 10/10/11


ryan, you don't sound like you're secure in your relationship at all.

If she "compares you" then she is immature - DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE LIKE THIS. A woman should NEVER do that to a man she's in love with and adores and marries.

You sound just as immature as she is - are you sure you're husband material? and that she is wife material? Are you sure you two are two mature adults ready to commit, honor, love and obey one another till death do you part? Doesn't sound like it. Pray about it, okay?
---anon on 10/10/11


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