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Married To A Narcissist

I am married to a narcissist. I am opening my eyes to the marriage, we have been going to counseling but what I have noticed is that the more I try and the more I admire or commend he pushes away? why is that? what can I do?

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 ---erin on 12/20/11
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Trish: I also found counselling from pastors no use. My experience is they often don't refer to God's counsel. Christian marriage counsellors are the same.

Many countries do not have a large counselling industry as found in USA, Australia, etc. They also have lower divorce rates than USA/Australia. Clearly counsellors offer no advantage as this suggests.

My ex-wife is Christian yet placed trust in counsellors instead of God. This mis-placed trust did negate God's counsel.

God's counsel helps us spiritually AND physically. Sadly this, the best counsel is neglected by this world's counsellors

---Haz27 on 1/2/12

Haz, I have to disagree with your opinion and believe Trish is correct. Let me explain why. God tells us through His Word that we cannot hide from Him. He is Omnipresent, everywhere. "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there, If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the Sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right had shall hold me" (Ps.139:7-10).
Whether you take counsel with God alone He is there. If you go to see a doctor He is there. "Your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me" God is in control no matter where you go.
---Mark_V. on 1/1/12

Haz: My marriage was destroyed because I had undiagnosed psychiatric issues that went rampant for almost 14 years, because my husband would only seek marriage counseling from pastors. When I finally saw a licensed mental health professional and got treatment, we did marital therapy with my therapist, and things started to improve, but it was too late to save my marriage. Too much damage had been done.

Many couples need a licensed therapist to work with them, to identify any underlying mental health issues. Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health issue, which needs to be addressed by a professional.

Seeking an objective third party does not negate God's counsel at all.
---Trish on 1/1/12

Trish. We were talking about marriage relationship counselling, not psychiatric issues.

But, you lose sight of the big picture. We wrestle against principalities, powers, rulers of the darkness of this world and spiritual wickedness in high places (Eph 6:12).

Considering this, why direct people away from God's counsel to man's inferior/flawed counsel instead?
Like I said, God's counsel is rarely if ever referred to by counsellors (and even some pastors I've met). They trust the world's counsel over God's. Why suggest the same?
---Haz27 on 12/30/11

my dear, I have been married to a narcissist for almost 15 yrs. He wont get any better and will finally get you so you wont have any confidence in your self. I cant divorce him because he got me in so much debt that I have to have his small help in paying the bills..I am 76 yrs old now so my life is over.. Good luck and may God bless you
---billa6496 on 12/30/11

//Seeing a mental health professional does not negate the need to seek God's counsel.//

nicely said. (i can use this if you do not mind.)

//It simply gives us the opportunity to get an impartial point of view on a problem that exists.// ---Trish on 12/27/11

All of God's counsel is impartial, all man's POV has some degree of an agenda (whether good/bad, useful/flawed, etc...)

---aka on 12/31/11

Haz: God's counsel is for spiritual matters. Mental illness and interpersonal conflicts require another person to be involved, a qualified, licensed mental health provider. I work in a psychiatric hospital. I have also benefited from the help of a licensed psychologist.

It is dangerous to tell people they should not seek professional help. You gave bad advice.

God's counsel is the best for Spiritual matters.

Professional therapy is necessary for a myriad of mental disorders.

So what if people working in the mental health profession needed help too. That makes them more compassionate, and better able to help those who are hurting.
---Trish on 12/29/11

Trish and alan, you missed my other points about counsellors. I gave my experience as just ONE example.

In that industry its recognized the majority who train for counselling are messed up and can't deal with their own issues in life, hence seeking counsellors to help them. They then become attracted to counselling as a career. My ex-wife was like this.

Several professionals in that industry admitted to me that counsellors are destructive.
Also they are legislated to employ worldy technique to counsel. Even with Christian counsellors God's counsel is rarely if ever used.

If you want the BEST counsel turn to God our counsellor (Isa:9:6). Why would you dispute this?
---Haz27 on 12/28/11

Haz: Your reasoning about counselors is flawed. Using your logic, if I was arrested unjustly, I should not call a lawyer, because most lawyers are sharks.

Your marriage ended because your wife chose to end it, just like mine did because my husband chose to end it. I can't blame the marriage therapist we saw up until the end.

There are ethical professionals in the mental health industry, and there are unethical ones. There are good ones, and there are lousy ones. Your experience is not a valid test of the mental health profession.

Seeing a mental health professional does not negate the need to seek God's counsel. It simply gives us the opportunity to get an impartial point of view on a problem that exists.
---Trish on 12/27/11

Haz ... That does not make all counsellors wife stealers.
---alan8566_of_uk on 12/28/11

Trish. My experience with counsellors destroyed my marriage. The counsellor was undermining our marriage because he wanted my wife. He lost his job as a result.

My wife and the counsellor both had little interest in God's counsel in His word. No surprise they were so weak and gave in to satan's temptation.

I learnt also that even within that industry counsellors are seen as destructive and also very messed up within their own lives. Also it's not uncommon to find counsellors being tempted by attraction to clients.

God is the best counsellor. Why would you dispute this?
---Haz27 on 12/27/11

Haz's advice is wrong. You should be discussing these things with your counselor, and doing the things I suggested previously.
---Trish on 12/26/11

Cluny, clearly you hold resentment towards me due to our disagreement from previous blogs on your Orthodoxy obsession. That is regretable.

And note that our posts here on this blog started with BOTH of us suggesting the same thing to Erin. That she should love her husband as she vowed on her wedding day.
I added also that God was the best counsellor she could get and His word reveals His counsel.

Very basic and essential points that many (even you) would agree with. Let's just keep this blog to it's topic and not digress from it with other issues.
---Haz27 on 12/23/11

\\As a Christian web site God's counsel in His word should be promoted as a better alternative to that of the world. Why would you disagree with this or did you misunderstand my post?\\

Let's put it like this, Haz27.

Who made YOUR mouth a prayerbook?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 12/23/11

Cluny, your comment reminds me of a previous comment you made in retaliation over our disagreement over your Orthodoxy obsession. You really have to get past this.

And am I to read from your comment that you imply that God's counsel is not far better than what is offered by flawed counsellors who offer worldly wisdom instead?

By the way I have experienced the destructiveness of counsellors, and even within that industry it is recognized by many that they are flawed and destructive.

As a Christian web site God's counsel in His word should be promoted as a better alternative to that of the world. Why would you disagree with this or did you misunderstand my post?
---Haz27 on 12/22/11

stop calling him a narcissist for one.
---Scott1 on 12/22/11

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\\And avoid counsellors. Their worldly wisdom and flawed nature is little or no help and often destructive anyway.\\

That means that YOUR counsel should be avoided, Haz27.

Or are you saying that your wisdom and nature are NOT flawed and are of GREAT help for some reason?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 12/22/11

Hm . . . are you a Christian? And are you still here, Erin? You might tell us about yourself. I'm curious what got you interested in him. Because if he's a narcissist, whatever he showed you has nothing to do with real love, or he would not have been able to do and show it! So, what are things that you value but witch a narcissist can easily fake?? If a narcissist can fake it or do it, you need to up your standards. The Bible is full of what is better. And it is wise to make sure with God about who we marry or anything else!!! He leads us according to what He knows is really true, including about ourselves (c:
---Bill_willa6989 on 12/22/11

on what were you focusing that kept you from seeing your husband?

6 sentences (two joined by conjunction)... 6 "I"s

who is the narcissist?
---aka on 12/21/11

I agree with Cluny. Love your husband as you both vowed to do on your wedding day.

And avoid counsellors. Their worldly wisdom and flawed nature is little or no help and often destructive anyway.

God is our counsellor (Isa 9:6)and He's the best there is. Search His word for His counsel and trust in Him.
---Haz27 on 12/21/11

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Do the words "For better or for worse" mean anything to you?

If he doesn't do thing the way you want, he MUST be a narcissist! Otherwise, he would conform to you.

I'd be curious to hear his side of the story.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 12/20/11

Ask your counselor these questions.
---KarenD on 12/20/11

Probably because the only person he's in love with is himself.

How long have you been married? For some, the chase is much more fun than the catch and once the catch happens, they get bored especially if they are a narcissist.
---anon on 12/20/11

Pray. Get involved in a Women's Bible study where you can learn God's Word with other sisters, and get them to pray for you and your marriage. Also, get into a discipleship relationship with a mature woman who knows the Word, and hold yourself accountable to her.
---Trish on 12/20/11

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Well, I understand that in general a narcissist considers oneself to be superior, above question. But the person is so unable to love. So, in fact, the person is extremely inferior, and tries to get praise and all by piggy-backing on the power and good name of other people, getting honor by association with people and things that are greatly honored.

So, since he does not know how to relate in love, he may not be able to handle your kind and caring compliments. And he may feel he is so great, already, that he does not need anything from you and others.

I'd say prayer and good example of how to relate in love are what God uses (c:
---Bill_willa6989 on 12/20/11

While in a donut shop the woman ahead of me took forever to pick out the donuts.
I remarked that "some women spend more time picking out a dozen donuts than picking out a husband"

I believe that I was not too far wrong!!!
---1st_cliff on 12/20/11

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