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Pastor Asks Personal Stuff

Is it right that a pastor asks a couple in his church if they are sleeping together? Would the couple be correct to tell him that such a question was inappropriate (or even none of his business)?

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 ---Rita_H on 1/26/12
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RitaH, that sounds good. People do not need to be subjected to misjudgments inside of the sanctuary, for the Lord knows full well that we children of his receive far plenty of misjudgments from antiChristians in the world, so none of this sin should also be found inside of the Christian Church.
---Eloy on 4/4/12


A quick update. More than 20 members (a third of the membership) have left the church having all been told to have nothing whatsoever to do with my family. It seems to be like a family run cult now with the pastor and all his relatives 'calling the shots'. Those who have left will be spiritually better off in the churches to which they (and we) have moved.
---Rita_H on 4/4/12


I believe the pastor should have phrased his question to the couple differently.
He should have said, "do you mind me asking, what is the nature of your relationship?"

Usually when a pastor asks this question, it is because someone else in the church body has had and voiced some concerns. Because of possible fornication, it is proper for pastors to address and squash any rumors or gossip if it is untrue and to council if it is true.
Persons involved should not be accused of anything with out some kind of proof though.
---ginger on 4/2/12


Rita, Perhaps the pastor is concerned about the sin of fornication being committed?
---Eloy on 4/2/12


Rhonda: One of the jobs (at least as I and at least some others see it) of a pastor is to be a spiritual guide to the people of the Church.

As a result, if the Pastor asks ONLY in order that he can guide those two people to live their life in a way that is closer to that as God would like them to live, his asking is appropriate.

If the question is because he is a busybody that he should certainly not ask. But to guide them, I would see it a troublesome but sometimes necessary job

Please guide my if I am making a mistake somewhere?
---Peter on 4/1/12




Strongaxe

do you even read anything anymore??

Rhonda writes: IF the couple were OPENLY fornicating and telling people they were doing this and spending time overnight at each others home then the "pastor" would simply ASK the couple to discontinue their behavior or LEAVE the church

Strongaxe replies with: If there was evidence of sin, it would be proper to ask about it.

Rhonda writes: what most fail to understand is this "pastor" is ABUSING his power by asking this question

Strongaxe replies with: because nobody has any business asking such questions unless there is some valid reason to do so.

almost too funny really
---Rhonda on 2/6/12


Rhonda:

If there was evidence of sin, it would be proper to ask about it. But to merely ask accusatory questions without any evidence is improper. How would you like to go into a store, and have the cashier ask you, before you paid for your purchase, "Did you steal that money, or earn it legitimately?" When you go on vacation, how would you like it if the hotel clerk asked "Is that your husband, or are you two having an affair behind your real husband's back?".

Such questions would rightly provoke outrage - because nobody has any business asking such questions unless there is some valid reason to do so.
---StrongAxe on 2/6/12


It is YOUR business and the business of EVERY person in this "church"

Where are the EXAMPLES of the Apostles asking True Believers questions about their life based on assumptions and speculations ...only new-age christiandom exploits people under the guise of "christ"

what most fail to understand is this "pastor" is ABUSING his power by asking this question

IF the couple were OPENLY fornicating and telling people they were doing this and spending time overnight at each others home then the "pastor" would simply ASK the couple to discontinue their behavior or LEAVE the church

it would not be "correct" to tell the pastor anything HE will NEVER change
---Rhonda on 2/5/12


Rita: Please don't leave because you are offended by some responses. We need caring believers who love their families enough to seek Godly advice for them.
---Trish on 2/4/12


Cluny - if asking about something which concerns people I love is gossip (in your book) then most of the questions asked on here are also gossip (in your book) so you must enjoy reading other people's 'gossip'.

I'm out of here. Thank you to those who have been helpful and understanding but too many people who prefer citicising rather than helping or being constuctive. This is surely not the purpose of Christianet. Some of you will being it into disrepute.
---Rita_H on 2/4/12




This blog is raising more questions, one is: what made the pastor aware that he needed to question this couple? Two: is this couple members of his church? And, "yes" it is the pastor's business, but it should be dealt with in a private meeting between this pastor and the couple. (Look at the situation this way, a pastor is responsible for the actions of his congregation just like a shepherd is responsible for his flock. If one the the shepherd's sheep is lost or sick, he should correct the situation if possible. A pastor has the same responsibility.)
---wivv on 2/4/12


\\Not gossip at all. I am the mother of one of the 'couple', grandmother of the children now moving to another church. Those involved 'made it my business'. Is that good enough for you Cluny?\\

Gossip about your family is still gossip.

Have you asked the pastor involved HIS side of the story?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 2/3/12


Not gossip at all. I am the mother of one of the 'couple', grandmother of the children now moving to another church. Those involved 'made it my business'. Is that good enough for you Cluny?
---Rita_H on 2/3/12


Let me infer that because they were very angered by the question that they are sleeping together and unmarried and they just got called out on their idol.
---Scott1 on 1/30/12

Scott, let me infer from your response that you are arrogant, self righeous, and ignorant... see what infering gets you?

Interesting that you jump to the conclusion that this couple was in sin, instead of looking at the pastor as a busy body.
---NurseRobert on 2/3/12


Bill_willa6989:

I don't think it's necessarily one post per day. The whole point is to discourage people from pontificating and sending a whole slew of messages at the same time, monopolizing the discussion. If you make one post, and somebody else responds, and you respond back, that seems to be allowed. It also seems to be fine to post several messages in a row if they are widely separated (for example, on weekends when nothing is approved, posting on Saturday morning and Saturday evening will probably work). Also, if you post twice in succession and they are clearly unrelated responses to two different people, that seems to work too.
---StrongAxe on 2/2/12


\\Regarding the pastor, it is not my church where this took place\\

In other words, as you were not directly involved, and it didn't even happen at your church, it's really none of your business.

You're gossiping.

Right?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 2/2/12


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Thanks Bill, I did not know about the one posting rule and will remember that. Regarding the pastor, it is not my church where this took place but the people concerned have left, as have some of their relatives. It is a very sad situation. They really do NOT trust their pastor any more.
---Rita_H on 2/2/12


Ritah, if I understand right, there is a Christianet policy that we put one post per blog per day. So, if you put in more than one post, at the same time, one may get automatically discarded. But if you wait and see your post made it in, then put in another, that might get in, too (c:

If you have a leader whom God trusts, you can trust him with what is going on with you. "Obey those who have the rule over you," we have in Hebrews 13:17. I have been asked the same thing by a pastor whom I trusted, so I just told him (c: If you do not trust a pastor, why are you in that church? There are ones who want to criticize and start issues. They stay with pastors who are wrong, so they can have their excuse.
---Bill_willa6989 on 2/2/12


Thank you StrongAxe for your comment and encouragement. I hadn't thought of adding a 'reply' of my own to the question to add details. I must remember that for next time, IF there is a next time. I am saddened by the way some jump to dirty conclusions. Even one of my answers was edited because I challenged what one had said.
---Ritah_H on 2/1/12


Rita_H:

Asking such a question without any evidence of it would be inappropriate. They should respond by asking him "Why, are you embezzeling from the church's collections?". The outrage he would feel over such an unwarranted accusation should reflect the outrage THEY might feel over a similar unwarranted accusation. (Unfortunatley, with 50 words, there wasn't much information given).

You can make posts with much more information by posting 50 words, and then immediateley replying with 150 morewords when the post becomes active.
---StrongAxe on 1/30/12


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Let me infer that because they were very angered by the question that they are sleeping together and unmarried and they just got called out on their idol.
---Scott1 on 1/30/12


You are quite welcome Rita, as always, sharing is my pleasure.
---josef on 1/27/12


RitaH, Now that we know the details of the couple, it was sin from that misnamed "pastor". Like so many so-called pastors, he himself is not saved nor a born-again Christian, and when the blind lead the blind, both fall into the ditch.
---Eloy on 1/27/12


Josef, thank you for those verses. I have passed them on to the couple concerned.

I've read them in the NIV and NLT and they are very interesting.

I think they will give the couple some encouragement.
---Rita_H on 1/27/12


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RitaH....Now that we know the whole story, this is my answer. THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!
---KarenD on 1/27/12


I appreciate and trust my church leaders and admire them. When they want to know something about me, I am glad and honored to share with them. Because we're "members of one another" (Romans 12:5, Ephesians 4:25). As members of each other what we do does effect each other.

Look what happened to the Jews because of the sin of Achan (Joshua 6:18, with chapter 7) > "thirty-six men" were struck down because of his secret sin. It was everybody else's business, then! The spirit of our secret sins effects each other > if we are "members of one another" > but if they are not, then they are none of his business and what the pastor does is none of our business !
---Bill_willa6989 on 1/27/12


I can actually agree with Eloy on this. He perhaps could have rephrased it a little. But for the main question, I dont think Pastors ask enough questions like this. People confessing Christ drag immorality into the Church and often have no accountability, dont experience spiritual growth, have a terrible testimony and discredit the name of Christ. For unbelievers, it is a different road. It doesnt sound like he handled it perfect, but it sounds like he is concerned. Perhaps they will extend him forgiveness and patients, unless theyre indeed guilty and ashamed of being confronted. The man should go talk to him and let him know they were offended by the way he handled it and take the first step to reconcile the offence.
---Poppa_Bear on 1/27/12


Cluny, there was a very good reason I didn't 'tell all' in the original question. You do know that we have only 50 words to use in a question don't you? Mine took almost 40. There was no way I could say the whole thing in a few more words. As a regular user here you should know that. It would be quite a good idea if people who wish to answer asked first "could you elaborate a little to help us give you a better answer?" Instead, the first answerer seemed to delight in asking if I'm an adulterer. This site is surely to help others, not to participate in what an individual thinks is 'exciting' gossip.
---Rita_H on 1/27/12


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It depends. If it is known that the couple are not married, but the couple are expressing physical intimacy like a husband and wife do, then the question is spot on. But if I were the Pastor I would rephrase the question as, "Are you married? or are you husband and wife?"
---Eloy on 1/27/12


\\Cluny, your answer would be quite accurate in the circumstances you describe but, as you can see, these circumstances are quite different.
---Rita_H on 1/27/12\\

Of course, you didn't give the full circumstances in your original post, now did you?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 1/27/12


"Is it right that a pastor asks a couple in his church if they are sleeping together?" No.
These verses of scripture are applicable to pastors as well "Aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people's matters." 1Th 4:11>1Pe 4:15
---josef on 1/27/12


Maybe he just trying to spice up his fantasy life. Or he could just being certain that they are engaging in any activities that might require that one or both be stoned.
---atheist on 1/27/12


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Karen D, this is not about me but about a middle aged couple, both previously married to others (now deceased). One has been a member of the church for many years, the other for about 2 years and they have recently started going out for a meal together and visit each others homes. She has children at home, he has none. The pastor approached them with the question and they are both incensed. So would I be if that HAD been me.
Cluny, your answer would be quite accurate in the circumstances you describe but, as you can see, these circumstances are quite different.
---Rita_H on 1/27/12


I am assuming couple is married but the pastor can use a better word choice. Like Is your marriage intimate and asked over dinner and in a one on one situation not 5 minutes after church.
---Scott1 on 1/27/12


It would depend on the purpose.

Had they gone to him for serious marital counseling, it might be necessary to ask such questions.

Had they gone to a professional secular marriage counselor, would not such questions be asked as a matter of course?

I have heard of some couples who love each other deeply, but one or both simply cannot get restful sleep if they sleep in the same bed.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 1/26/12


Rita_H...It is the pastor's business if two people in his church are committing fornication or adultery. What happened? Did you get caught in your sin?
---KarenD on 1/26/12


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