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Husband Hiding Money

I have unbelieving husband who couldn't find a job last summer. We have children I work n pay bills. Found out he was selling drugs, he stopped n promised wouldn't do it again. He recently found work but hid a lot money that he claims he's saved. He swears he's not doing anything. Need spiritual advice.

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 ---Sister7 on 6/21/12
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Aka, Trish, et al. - I'm going to bid you all goodbye now. It's been fun posting but I need to be on my way . If I've offended anyone, I apologize. Peace to you. Enjoy your life, and I will too. :)
---Catholicus on 7/6/12


trish, you logic is dizzying to say the least.
---aka on 7/6/12


aka: Why does it bother you that I stay sober by participating in AA? I share from what God is doing in my life and from what I have learned in my professional research and experience. You can share from your experience and how God is working in you life. I will refute anything that is not based on scientific research when it comes to behavioral science.
---Trish on 7/6/12


aka: I do not have to read a document to learn if it is written based on empirical evidence. An intelligent person looks at the references the author uses to support their thesis. I saw no articles written by neither the medical profession, nor the mental health profession, which show scientific research supporting YOUR thesis that AA causes people harm.

I will say that in my research in graduate school, I read numerous articles where research had been done using subjects who attended AA meetings, and subjects who just did nothing, and the research supported the thesis that participation in AA helped the subjects in that group achieve longer periods of sobriety.
---Trish on 7/6/12


//Name an article and its author, and I will read the article. //

i did. did you read it?

//You obviously don't know what empirical evidence is.//

We have established now that you are the only one who knows anything.
---aka on 7/5/12




There is no empirical evidence demonstrating that AA is effective. It is up to AA's supporters to provide that evidence, but it doesn't exist. No one should become part of something that can't support itself factually. And AA is also a religion. I know. I was in it for a few decades.
---Catholicus on 7/5/12


aka: You obviously don't know what empirical evidence is. I did not find scientific research articles cited to prove to me that AA is harmful. Name an article and its author, and I will read the article. I am talking about research, not opinions. The majority of the sources cited were opinions, not research based evidence.
---Trish on 7/5/12


trish, you spent years in graduate studies and an hour with the orange papers. that sounds unbiased to me.
---aka on 7/5/12


couldn't stand any more of their self-righteous nonsense.
---Catholicus on 7/3/12

AA & NA are the biggest grouping of people with narcissistic qualities i have ever witnessed.

AA successfully transforms into those that decide to do drugs (alcohol is a drug) at everybody elses cost to talking about the same for a lifetime and not really accept responsibility for it, but still dismiss the victims.

whatever, addicts say do they claim responsibility but the is always a BUT somewhere.

whatever i have done wrong in my life i am totally responsible for whether i have "power" over the or not.
---aka on 7/4/12


Trish, people can go to AA if they want to, but it won't enhance their chances of getting sober. It's up to them.
---Catholicus on 7/4/12




I spent an hour searching the Bibliographies of the Orange Papers. I found no empirical research in either Bibliography that says that AA harms people.

I do not believe that I said that AA is the only way. I am not an AA only person. My studies showed me that there are a lot of different ways to help a person recover.

I also do not agree with a lot of what the amateurs in AA tell people. I promote the practice of the 12 Steps as the program, not the meetings, phone calls or literature.

I encourage the participation in 12 Step recovery groups because of their price and availability. I also attend a 12 Step Bible study support meeting where the Life Recovery Bible is used as the study material.
---Trish on 7/4/12


12 STEPS TO DESTRUCTION: Codependency/Recovery Heresies by Martin & Deidre Bobgan includes essential information for Christians about codependency/recovery teachings, Alcoholics Anonymous, Twelve-Step groups, and addiction treatment programs. The book examines such teachings and groups from a biblical, historical, and research perspective.
---aka on 7/3/12


Trish, there's plenty of research, scholarly and otherwise. Much of it can be found online on the Orange-Papers site. I left AA six years ago. couldn't stand any more of their self-righteous nonsense.
---Catholicus on 7/3/12


Catholicus: What scholarly research supports your theory about 12 Step programs doing more harm than good?

Most of the research I did in graduate school was on the treatment of alcoholism, addictions and eating disorders in women. I read many scholarly articles, with empirical evidence which show that participation in 12 Step programs of recovery is beneficial to the recovery of people with those problems. I was looking at both sides of the coin, and could not find articles indicating they cause harm.

I researched the history of Alcoholics Anonymous, and learned it is from Christian, Biblical roots. There are Scripture verses written throughout the AA literature. I know this, because I have read them.
---Trish on 7/3/12


\\Cluny: Al-anon and Nar-anon deal with families and friends of alcoholics and addicts. CODA is for people who get into unhealthy relationships, not necessarily drug or alcohol related. Perfectly sober people can be codependent.
---Trish on 6/30/12\\

I know, Trish.

Why do you think I recommended them to Sister7? Her own life is already being adversely affected by her husband's involvement in drugs, whether he himself uses them or not.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 7/3/12


The twelve step programs are just spiritual quackery and probably harm more people than they help. Check out orange-papers online and you'll see.
---Catholicus on 7/3/12

i agree.
---aka on 7/3/12


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The twelve step programs are just spiritual quackery and probably harm more people than they help. Check out orange-papers online and you'll see.
---Catholicus on 7/3/12


Cluny: Al-anon and Nar-anon deal with families and friends of alcoholics and addicts. CODA is for people who get into unhealthy relationships, not necessarily drug or alcohol related. Perfectly sober people can be codependent.
---Trish on 6/30/12


Sister7, you might want to consider NarcAnon or CODA (Co-Dependents Anyonymous) so you can learn how NOT to enable your husband's behavior with drugs.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 6/30/12


Sister7, the marriage bonds only work when both are saved. When one is not, problems always arise. If he was selling drugs, and was smart, he could have kept a lot of money hidden away and the reason he has it now. He could be telling the truth. I believe it is good for women to work, for the very reason that if their husbands ever leave, they can support themselves. But it should never be a reason for the wife to leave just because she can support herself. If he is selling drugs again and you find out, you will have to take some action. I don't ever suggest for anyone to divorce unless you or your family is been abused.
---Mark_V. on 6/28/12


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Jed: I appreciate that you don't want to get into it. I wanted to put off getting my degree till my kids were in school, and was thrilled with the fact that my husband and I could arrange our schedules so that one of us was home with the kids at all times. God answered my prayer for that. When he was at day classes, I was at night classes. When he worked night shift, I worked during the day. it was such an answer to prayer. Those were little things to some people, but huge answers to prayer for me.
---Trish on 6/25/12


Trish, I'm not trying to get into it with you about your family finances. Only you know the details of that situation. All I'm saying is, I know there are situations where income from both parents are required to raise a family, especially in this culture. If that was your situation then I'm very sorry to hear that. But I believe IDEALLY if a mother can stay home and raise her children, then she should. I didn't say that would happen without hard sacrifices, it won't. Many mothers have to make a hard choice between continuing college, having a new car, new clothes, bigger house, or staying home with their children. For my wife the choice was easy, and hard sacrifices were made from all of us to do things God's way.
---Jed on 6/25/12


Jed, when my kid were preschool age, my husband and I alternated child care while I finished my degree. Early on, after we both finished college, we needed both incomes. By the time I finished my degree, my youngest was in school.

One of the many reasons I chose teaching, was so I could have the same schedule as my kids. My hours were similar to theirs, and my days off were the same as theirs. Plus, during the Summers, I worked at a really nice day camp where they got to attend for free, and they got to see me throughout the day.

Before we divorced, we were busy paying for our older two kids' college expenses, which were at state colleges. By the time we divorced, our youngest was 18.
---Trish on 6/24/12


Trish, I recognized that our culture has created a society in which it is nearly impossible for a family to survive on one income. I understand that. I was explaining and IDEAL situation, the way God planned a family to be. If you and your husband both were able to fully support yourselves with the same jobs after you got divorced, then obviously both of your incomes were not needed to make "ends meet" together. If a mother is at all able to be at home and take care of her kids, then that is her place. I know it's not always an option today. But I'm not judging mothers who work out of the home. If that's what they have to do then I commend them for providing for their family. My judgement was toward men who do not provide.
---Jed on 6/24/12


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"Found out he was selling drugs"

"Found out he was doing drugs"

the former may be a cover for the latter, but that is not an exact quote.
---aka on 6/23/12


anon: Reread the original post. She said her husband was "selling drugs," not doing drugs. People like that either don't do the drugs themselves, or sell to support their habit, not costing the family any money for the habit.

"He swears he's not doing anything." The first thing to go in a family where someone is involved in drugs is trust. My son had a bad heroin habit for several years.

In addition to the verses I suggested it, which she asked for Spiritual advice, so that was what I gave her, she should seek to get him drug treatment on an outpatient basis, or inpatient basis, and she should go to Al-anon, or Nar-anon meetings to get practical advice on how to live with someone with an addiction.
---Trish on 6/23/12


\\A mother should not have to be the primary bread winner of her family if she is married. \\

Why?

\\That's not her job.\\

Really? Why not?

Things are different now from how they were in the 50's when I was a child. We have to deal with present reality.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 6/23/12


"Found out he was doing drugs"

WHY wouldn't the Lord allow us to use wisdom and ask our unsaved husband who "was doing drugs" and I quoted that exactly as it was written, to let his wife handle the money until she's sure he's not using it for drugs?

So some of you are saying she should submit to her husband who is doing drugs and using his earned money to buy them? That doesn't make one bit of sense to me, does it to you Lord?

She is to be a loving witness to her husband, not a foolish unwise wife who is working hard and paying the bills while her husband is using his money to buy drugs.
---anon on 6/23/12


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Jed: If the husband is working toward supporting the family, but they can't make ends meet, as my husband and I could not, then it becomes necessary for both to work. Which was a blessing because when our marriage ended, I was earning as much as he was, and was capable of supporting myself. In my state, alimony does not exist. My kids were all adults, so child support was not an issue.

I believe that if the wife is working to help support the family, as the woman in Proverbs 31 did, selling linen and buying real estate, then the husband should most definitely be working as well.

Their earnings, both incomes, should go into a joint checking account, and some should be put aside for retirement.
---Trish on 6/22/12


If he does not provide for you, leave him. A mother should not have to be the primary bread winner of her family if she is married. That's not her job. I realize in today's society it is difficult, if not impossible in some cases, for a family to survive on a single salary. But the husband is first and foremost responsible for providing for his family financially, not the wife. If the wife has to work too, then she is having to help the husband do his job. A husband and father that doesn't provide for his family has broken his marriage covenant.
---Jed on 6/22/12


\\3)Have him direct deposit his paycheck into a joint checking account and only give him an allowance to live off of. You handle the finances until he gets saved.\\

anon, are you willing to have your earnings directly deposited into an account controlled by your spouse, and live off an allowance doled out to you until YOU get saved?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 6/22/12


Anon: Your advice it totally unbiblical. Scripture says the wife is supposed to submit to the husband, as unto the Lord. How does a submissive wife order her husband to let her handle all the money and her give him an allowance? That is totally unscriptural.
---Trish on 6/22/12


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I think you need to find a good marriage counsellor who can figure this out with you.

1) Why are you married to an unbeliever?

2)Do you trust him now that he "promised" he wouldn't do it again? His flesh is probably still in control and he probably will do it again UNTIL he gets saved and convicted by the Holy Spirit.

3)Have him direct deposit his paycheck into a joint checking account and only give him an allowance to live off of. You handle the finances until he gets saved.

Lastly, you two need to work this out through a professional marriage counsellor....it's going to be a process, not just a response from a Christian website. (((Huggs))))
---anon on 6/22/12


prayer . . .
---willie_c: on 6/22/12


Proverbs 31
1 Peter 3:1
Ephesians 5:22-24

Pray for your husband.
Ephesians 3:14-19 Pray that passage for your husband everyday.

Start attending a women's Bible study. Ask a mature woman at church to mentor you in your role as a Christian wife. Make yourself accountable to this woman.
---Trish on 6/21/12


How do you know he hid it?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 6/21/12


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