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Husband's Platonic Girlfriend

Found receipts of bouquets husband sent to another woman last yr. Checked work cell, found her name. He denied anything. Says, "It was platonic." NO such thing as platonic when married, committed to vows. I WILL keep appointment with attorney. How do I deal with the fear and shame?

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 ---elsie on 9/5/12
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Cluny: The husband did not come here for help, or to complain. The wife wasn't complaining. Betrayal in a marriage is the worst thing that can happen to a spouse. Have you ever been betrayed in marriage?
---Trish on 9/28/12


Enjoy? I don't wish this upon anyone!!! Try being physically sick losing 12 pounds. Try having sleepless nights. Try finding out that all your effort at being a wife weren't enough. Try being grotesquely lied to and used, b/c that is exactly what he did.
He went outside the marriage, not me. If he felt so compelled, then ask for a divorce and party on.
---elsie on 9/28/12


Trish, all we know is elsie's side of the story.

Have you not the LEAST curiosity to hear the husband's side?

Furthermore, as I read just her postings here, it sounds like she is looking for affirmation and sympathy, not real solutions and help in repairing her marriage.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/27/12


Elsie is trying to make sense of a bad situation that is not of her making. But, like I said from the start, she needs to pray and seek the Lord in this matter.

absolutely!! you and many have all stated that, and they need to seek counseling together to learn to communicate better to build a new foundation, a stronger one. You can not restore a troubled marriage if you are unable to address its faults.
---Follower_of_Christ on 9/27/12


Follower: I totally agree with you in this matter. Cluny's input is disturbing, to say the least. Deception, even by omission, is not an attempt to clear the air and work on restoring the marriage. It is the husband who is throwing the marriage away, not the wife.

Elsie is trying to make sense of a bad situation that is not of her making. But, like I said from the start, she needs to pray and seek the Lord in this matter.
---Trish on 9/27/12




\\don't pay attention to what Cluny writes he hates women.\\

What makes you say that, FoC?

Because I ask you questions about your own statements that you either cannot or refuse to answer?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/27/12




Your enjoying fretting over it is what has lowered you.


don't pay attention to what Cluny writes he hates women.

Shame on any spouse who puts their beloved in a situation where they are forced to look at them differently because they have been sneaking around, doing things, being with others of the opposite sex, and then when caught (the important operative word is caught) they just claim platonic.

It is your right to know whether this is isolated or this is much deeper than you finding a receipt for flowers for a platonic friend your husband seemed to find it was important to keep a secret!!
---Follower_of_Christ on 9/27/12


\\Being in this situation has lowered me to a level that I have never been\\

No.

Your enjoying fretting over it is what has lowered you.

But you have finally done the right thing: give it over to God.

Seek to be reconciled with your husband. Would you rather he had sent bouquets to another man? After all, according to you, this was a YEAR ago.

Glory to Jesus Christ.
---Cluny on 9/26/12


it's all between you and your family who will reap the consequences of your choice

her choice??? interesting, it was her husband who put her in this choice! as for innocent until proven guilty that is a court of law not a marriage.

if husband innocent then why was he hiding the women and flowers sent? The appearance her husband provided to his wife is that he is sneaking around. Every spouse has right to know if an isolated case or they have uncovered something on-going for years. In which case it was her husband who threw away his marriage years ago. A lie is still a lie, saying nothing is still lying, the lie is now uncovered. Her husband was allowed to protect himself now the wife has a right to protect herself.
---Follower_of_Christ on 9/26/12


There was no doubt of wrongdoing, it is a matter to what extent. Being in this situation has lowered me to a level that I have never been......I spend endless time searching for more information, oftentimes hitting walls which leads to a vicious cycle of more resentment and anger and uncertainty. BUT today I did something for myself. I gave myself permission to stop the control for this knowledge and allow God to provide me the answers in His time.
---elsie on 9/26/12




Throwing away a marriage because you "suspect" your husband of wrong doing is a bit extreme. I hope you can find away to put this aside for the moment and think about all the good things in your marriage and I'm sure you'll come to the conclusion that it is worth working out with your husband. Get some counseling too if he'll agree to it.
---Serrano on 9/25/12


I can say people can just easily assume something is going on.but a person is still consider innocent until proven guilty.Your husband sending flowers to this girl would not mean a deeper relationship.He could just be attracted
Howevere,If you feel this cause for an alarm.two things you could do either you save your marriage or you trashed it.
before you decide,pray and weight things out.do not focus on what other people will say.it's all between you and your family who will reap the consequences of your choice
---mj on 9/24/12


\\The core of my being tells me there is more to this gal than "just a friend." Or at least he was hoping it to develop into more, otherwise, why flowers).\\

These words tell me that you WANT to believe the worst about your husband, and want to enjoy pity.

I've seen this before on here.

What do you REALLY want to do, elsie: believe the worst about your husband, or save your marriage?

Only you can answer that question.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/21/12


The core of my being tells me there is more to this gal than "just a friend." Or at least he was hoping it to develop into more, otherwise, why flowers). Emotional affair is usually precursor to physical affair. Knowing more will not make me feel better, but enlighten me on how to respond and make choices that will affect the rest of my life. Informed decisions!
One son is deployed right now and I cannot even turn to this man for comfort and reassurance. I do pray daily for my son, but it helps to be cohesive unit, praying together, and that is no more. I can barely stand to be in the same room or look at him because I am almost certain there is more to his story b/c all his responses and behaviors are classic of a cheat.
---elsie on 9/21/12


Rita: I totally agree with your post. My husband had a female coworker who worked with him on a very long term project. They had to travel all over the country for this project, and became friends. I knew about her from the start. I got to meet her on one of those trips, and we hit it off very well. She and her husband had us over for dinner often, as well as graduation parties for our kids, and birthday celebrations. Now that she is retired, they moved away. But we keep in touch on Facebook.
---Trish on 9/18/12


Husbands can, and do, have female platonic friends but the wife should always know about the woman. Who she is, how he knows her and meet the woman herself. If the husband does not agree to this then there is something else going on.

Men would not like their wives to have male platonic friends about whom they knew nothing. If men found out something of the nature of what you found out they would feel exactly as you feel

If there was nothing wrong in the relationship he'd have told you about her from the start and even shown you the flowers he was going to give her or asked you to choose some for her.
---Rita_H on 9/18/12


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\\ I am giving him the opportunity to come clean. I am praying God gives me the wisdom, sign, anything, to know if he is telling the truth, to know if he is truly remorseful.\\

It boils down to this, elsie:

Forgive your husband as you expect God to forgive you.

You yourself admit that all his time is accounted for.

You said that your marriage may never be what it was previously. All that has changed is YOU and what YOU know.

But then, all relationships change.

Keep praying, dear soul. There will be light and great blessings at the end of this tunnel for both of you.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/18/12


Cluny, your comment gave me food for thought. I am giving him the opportunity to come clean. I am praying God gives me the wisdom, sign, anything, to know if he is telling the truth, to know if he is truly remorseful. Honestly, for today I don't see how we can go to a point in the marriage where it had once been. I've stuck by him throught thick and thin, been sympathetic to him b/c of his upbringing, but this time what he did changed that forever. Yes, it was all about him and an opportunity, but it was also very personal against ME.
I am swallowing my pride right now, for my family! And yes, for myself. I foresee the problems and struggles of a divorce and am trying to rationalize if staying outweighs them.
---elsie on 9/18/12


I agree, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, husband, wife. That is not reality.
I was blindsided by this b/c we did get along, didn't have blow out arguments, pretty calm household, did things together as a couple/family. And even when we did have a disagreement and I wanted to put a price tag on him for the next garage sale, I NEVER thought of cheating, NEVER thought of anyone else. If ever complimented by another man, NEVER thought "Oh Opportunity!"
I had respect for him, love for my family and I know the difference between right and WRONG.
I took the vows we took before God very seriously.

He has taken a sense of security away from all of us.
---elsie on 9/18/12


Mary, there is no such thing as emotional adultery.

As I have repeatedly said, all we know is what elsie has said. We DON'T really know her husband's side of the story. What elsie is perceiving may not be the whole truth.

As I wanted to say here, but said elsewhere, and am now repeating:

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. There are only REAL marriages between two REAL sinful and imperfect people, both with issues.

And yes, elsie, I do have an agenda: I'm trying to encourage you to keep your marriage together. Flowers should NOT be enough to destroy it.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/18/12


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Follower: Elsie posted that one of the reasons her husband gave for the flowers was as a wedding present for the other woman. I have never heard of a married man sending a woman flowers as a wedding present. It all sounds too suspicious.

Anyway, the woman would appear to be married.
---Trish on 9/17/12


I received flowers from my husband, purchased from local store, never as extravagant as $100.00 bouquets delivered by florist. I'm pretty easy to please, never asked for much, but now this makes me ponder, make comparisons. Not sure her history timeline but she was married, divorced, now remarried. I found two cash receipts dated a year apart. No other monies used from bank accounts. Do I want to throw away almost 25 years b/c of flowers? No, but not for the right reasons.
And at the same time my right mind is telling me that the average guy doesn't just send flowers to be nice b/c 'she said she never received anything from anybody.' I think she definitely played him, too. Definitely played into his ego.
---elsie on 9/17/12


So what you girls are saying is that there is no difference between flirting/sending flowers and actually doing the dirty deed?

I see Cluny has some reinforcements! Cluny you are right I know nothing and I am siding with how the majority of these situations end up. Elsie confirmed her husband is not one to just send flowers to be nice and may also indicate she doesn't get flowers. If it was innocent flirting and flowers why hide it, by not saying anything the appearance is sneaking around. Or as the Lord says just looking you have committed the adultery. Is this platonic female friend single, or is she married. if married her husband may not like her receiving flowers from a platonic male friend either!!!
---Follower_of_Christ on 9/17/12


Jed: Is it possible for a married man to send flowers to another woman and not have lusted after that woman? Is there an innocent reason for a married man to have another woman's phone number on his work cell phone? Maybe I'm too suspicious, but since Jesus said that being lustful is the equivalent of adultery, I believe there is more going on here than just flowers and a phone number.
---Trish on 9/17/12


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So what you girls are saying is that there is no difference between flirting/sending flowers and actually doing the dirty deed?
---Jed on 9/17/12


Cluny: Elsie mentioned the wedding gift as one of the reasons her husband sent the other woman flowers. I have been reading her posts, which have been several, and the husband has been giving her different stories about the flowers. In one story, he claimed the flowers were a wedding present.
---Trish on 9/17/12


\\No married man sends another woman flowers as a wedding present.\\

Why are you dragging wedding gifts into this discussion? I certainly did not mention them.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/17/12


Trying to think with clearer mind and give him opportunity to explain himself. As much as I want to believe he never touched her, met with her,(aside from going into store), called her, it is hard to believe someone that has hidden a lie. Only thing that gives me a bit of solice is knowing he didn't have unaccounted for time away from home. The guy is huge homebody. It would've been noticed. His story has holes that don't make sense. He is not one to go buy flowers for someone just b/c he wants to be nice and brighten someone's day. He is fiercely particular about using company phone for personal calls. Ya'll are right, I don't know if there was anything else, I have no other proof and he isn't providing anything further.
---elsie on 9/17/12


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\\Interesting distortion. sneaking around, hiding a few flowers and a supposed platonic friend, than what other acts would Elsies husband be hiding?\\

The flowers are the FIRST thing elsie complained about.

\\ For all Elsie knows there are potentially many other deceptions that have been going on for decades this is the one he got caught in!!!\\

I really doubt you know more about elsie or her husband than I do.

And elsie isn't really saying much.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/16/12


Cluny: Your responses seem to indicate that there was nothing wrong with what this husband did. Elsie has mentioned several times that the husband's story keeps changing, as to why he sent them. He got caught committing adultery, and lying to his wife. No married man sends another woman flowers as a wedding present. If he wanted to give a woman he knew a wedding gift, he should have gone shopping with his wife, and purchased something from the bridal registry, and had that delivered to the newlyweds.
---Trish on 9/16/12


So, elsie, if I understand you right, you're going to let a few flowers destroy a decades old marriage.

Interesting distortion. sneaking around, hiding a few flowers and a supposed platonic friend, than what other acts would Elsies husband be hiding? For all Elsie knows there are potentially many other deceptions that have been going on for decades this is the one he got caught in!!! Elsie is a smart women and understands this. As I already stated what innocent married person hides a platonic relationship?? And if I might add, when was the last time Elsie received flowers from her husband? you know Elsie is the women he is to cherish, love, respect, honor does she get flowers like the supposed platonic female friend?
---Follower_of_Christ on 9/16/12


Cluny, you don't understand what adultery--even emotional adultery--does to the other person. What he did was adultery pure and simple.
---Mary on 9/16/12


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So, elsie, if I understand you right, you're going to let a few flowers destroy a decades old marriage.

Right?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/16/12


Cluny, Correct, I didn't lie, however, the life I had with him was a lie. I told people I was content with life, I enjoyed not having a bunch of drama. But there was discontent and I didn't even know it. His mind and thoughts were with someone else while eating dinner at my kitchen table. Her phone number was in his phone for a reason, so when he was talking to her, he certainly wasn't calling me to see how my day was going.
As far as his side of the story, I wish it were so simple. I want to listen and hear it, but the story continues to change. He is avoiding the truth for a reason and I am pretty certain it isn't to protect me from further pain, it is to protect himself. Pain of this nature has no gauge, it is just raw.
---elsie on 9/10/12


\\I feel like last year I led a life of a lie.\\

After all these years together, do you actually think a few bouquets of flowers is strong enough to destroy what you have built together?

"I feel" is no hard evidence.

Are you actually saying that caring for your sons and husband is feeling like you're living a lie?

Your husband may or may not have been living a lie (his side of the story has not been told yet), but despite your feelings, YOU never were.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/10/12


elsie the hard part is rebuilding trust and you cannot do that alone, counseling is needed. You will know where your husband stands if he is willing to go, participate, and work on rebuilding the marriage. because I do agree if it were platonic he would have told you he was sending flowers to this women and the reason why because he hid it demonstrates there is more than a platonic friendship. It's much easier to walk away. It is a lot harder to stay, learn to forgive and work on your marriage. Everybody deserves a second chance in life and it is so hard to be the one to offer that second chance when you are hurt and have had your trust taken away. You will grow more as a person to offer a second chance than to run because he fell.
---Follower_of_Christ on 9/9/12


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We have 3 sons, 22, 17 and 17. I had always been committed to providing them an intact home life, setting a good example for them. And now.......
Will they now believe that all males do this so it is okay? If I were to stay will they believe that women are weak and submissive and, again, it is okay?
I feel like last year I led a life of a lie. I have gone about my week hiding behind a fake smile. How could I have been so naive and such a poor judge of character in someone I chose to be my life partner? And Cluny, I still take care of my personal appearance (good genes have helped), enjoyed being a wife and mother with all the responsibilities that come with that, and managed a small business from the home.
---elsie on 9/9/12


Elsie, Keep praying for wisdom on what direction to take your life. You never mention if you and he have children together. Even if your children, should there be any, are grown, a divorce is difficult for them.

As you pray, be open to the Holy Spirit's leading. If you have a close, Christian friend, share what you told us with her, and ask her to pray for you concerning your husband's story about the flowers, and your desire to speak with a lawyer. Ask her to pray with you and for you, for the Lord's leading in this matter. Give yourself time. Also, ask her to pray for you to heal.

Finally, obey the Lord's leading. If He is leading you to seek marital therapy for you and your husband, go willingly. It will help you heal.
---Trish on 9/9/12



Him-52, her-28. He met her at Big5. Number in phone is HER cell, not store. Cell he had her in is for work, not personal calls per strict guidelines by company he works for. <

His answers to the flowers:
1) I was crazy (he didn't realize I had receipts
2) He gave them to her as a wedding gift (she is now married to someone else
3) To say thank you for store discounts
4) He felt sorry for her because she never received anything from anybody.


I felt strongly against divorce, except in circumstance of cheating spouse. He said sorry but fails to demonstate true remorse by lying about the flowers and not forthcoming with extent of relationship.
---elsie on 9/9/12


Thank you to everyone because this blog has provided me with the opportunity to air this out and receive input. I have yet to share this with a family member or friend or church figure.
I'm praying and trying to make sense of this.
---elsie on 9/9/12


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Elsie..Personally, I don't believe in divorce for any reasons. When I was in the world and not a Christian my answer would have been different. You have not said how old the woman is or what kind of working relationship they have. If she was his secretry, for instance, it would be perfectly normal to give her flowers on secretary's day. And every boss I ever had wanted my home phone or cell nubmber for emergencies.
---KarenD on 9/8/12


so true cluny that would make your father more of an idiot if he didn't know he was the third husband! interesting how so many people get married without having a clue who they are marrying! although now I see why you have obvious pent up anger toward women here, most men do when they hate their mothers. I bet you're not married, or at least I hope you were kind enough to not marry a women and subject her to having you unleash all your rage on her everyday! Peace
---Follower_of_Christ on 9/8/12


\\and if your father had been the right kind of husband he would have lovingly led his wife to be the right kind of wife instead of dismissing and rejecting her for her short-comings and be faithful to the vows he made with her.\\

That shows how much you know about things, FoC.

My father, as I later learned, was my mother's THIRD husband. As her own mother put it, he was the third man who couldn't stand to live with her.

When a marriage breaks up, very seldom is it all one person's fault, though women here seem to want to think so. (And you're so vain, you probably think I'm talking about you, don't you? It won't be the first time.)

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/8/12


Yes, he was wrong. So was she. But had my mother been the right kind of wife--and I can see now that she definitely was NOT--Dad would never have fallen for the charms of another woman, especially one as frumpy as she.

and if your father had been the right kind of husband he would have lovingly led his wife to be the right kind of wife instead of dismissing and rejecting her for her short-comings and be faithful to the vows he made with her. To stay with his wife, be a man, honor his vows, instead of running away and using his not-the-right-kind-of-wife as his excuse to leave his marriage. Apparently you bought your fathers sad sob story and dismissed your mother too.
---Follower_of_Christ on 9/7/12


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Darlene, thank you.
Mark, I didn't think it was necessary to provide the verbatim conversation, just in a nutshell, he has selectively omitted the truth, twisted it, changed the answers he wanted me to believe were true.
He has rocked the very foundation our marriage was built upon. We'd had open conversations before we ever married and through the course of our marriage, knowing that faithfulness to one another was key, knowing the possible consequences of not being faithful.
"Whosoever looketh on a woman NOT his own wife, to lust after her, hath committed ADULTERY with her in HIS heart." Matt 5:28
Even if I cut him some slack, hoping that he didn't have physical relations with her, he still lusted after her.
---elsie on 9/7/12


Unfortunately, my husband forgot the meaning of honesty and I will probably never know the extent of this relationship. He has yet to speak the truth.
---elsie on 9/7/12

Really, how do you know this, are you a mind reader? Do you have more information about this than you are giving to us?

Your husband has made a mistake. It is a very serious mistake but a mistake still the same. Unless you are God, you cannot judge him nor can you heap vengence on him.

Your best option is to forgive him, detatch from the situation, and go about your life. Your emotions seem to be in control of your life. Ask God for help with your life, your emotions, your lack of trust, and not for your husband's mistake.
---Mark_Eaton on 9/7/12


Elsie The Bible says if a man looks upon a woman and lusts after her in his heart he has commited adultry. To me to send flowers to a woman speaks romance and if he wanted to send a woman flowers it should have been you. No married person should have that a close relationship with another person than their spouse. The vow a lot of couples take at marriage says "forsaking all others". God be with you during this time. Remember your husband is responsible for his own actions and you should never feel you failed or let anyone blame you.
---Darlene_1 on 9/7/12


Elsie, what man says here may or may not be true. Look to the Truth alone, and that Truth is Jesus Christ. You are hurting right now and mans words have no power to convict if theres something to be convicted of. Rely solely upon the Lord. The Holy Spirit leads into Truth, and its His job to comfort, convict whatever is needed. God alone knows your heart. He does not leave us comfortless. Be blessed
---chria9396 on 9/7/12


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Cluny, I know the meaning of adultery. Unfortunately, my husband forgot the meaning of honesty and I will probably never know the extent of this relationship. He has yet to speak the truth.
I was blessed to grow up in a loving, christian family, with great parents as role models. In my own marriage I was dedicated to providing a loving home for my husband and children. I loved my life and thanked God every day for all his blessings. Today, I am just overwhelmed.
---elsie on 9/7/12


elsie, did your husband actually commit adultery?

Or did he merely give flowers to another woman.

You may not have the mind to grasp the difference, but the two are NOT the same.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/6/12


elsie,

the writing is on the wall. however, you need to figure out why he might have been appreciating elsewhere. no matter if someone is being a cynical jerk, if you do not know him, you should refrain from such venom. maybe there is a correlation. especially, by making a presumptuous comment about his spouse.
---aka on 9/6/12


What was King David's excuse? The Bible mentions no excuse for his seduction, and murder.
---Trish on 9/6/12

I never said I was excusing adultery.

I do not support this husband if he is committing adultery.

I also do not support this wife if she is not submitting to her husband.

My purpose in the previous post was to say that our directions from God in Ephesians 5 say what our weaknesses are.

We men can become unconcerned about loving our wives and more concerned with providing for them. God reminds us about that and also because our wives need the reassurance, because of their weakness.

I understand this man's weaknesses because I have the same ones.
---Mark_Eaton on 9/6/12


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Mark: Please, I truly believe that there is nothing in Scripture that excuses adultery. I know of plenty of spouses who cheated even when their better half was obeying Ephesians 5.

Sin is sin. The lust of the flesh is very tempting to both parties in a marriage, and temptation is right there presenting itself everywhere. Ifa believer is not taking care of their Spiritual walk with the Lord, they are vulnerable. If the spouse is an unbeliever, all bets are off.

What was King David's excuse? The Bible mentions no excuse for his seduction, and murder.
---Trish on 9/6/12


\\Ironic, males supporting a cheating, deceitful spouse.
---elsie on 9/5/12 \\

No one, that I can tell, is supporting your husband.

We just refuse to join you in your pity party. As I said, boo the hoo.

My parents broke up when I was 11. My father begat a child on another women while he was working in another city.

Yes, he was wrong. So was she. But had my mother been the right kind of wife--and I can see now that she definitely was NOT--Dad would never have fallen for the charms of another woman, especially one as frumpy as she.

That's how I know this kind of story has several sides to it.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/6/12


Ironic, males supporting a cheating, deceitful spouse.
---elsie on 9/5/12

Its not ironic, its Scriptural.


It is not scriptural for any man to cheat or lie to their spouse. If a man did they would be breaking 2 of Gods 10 laws. Many ministers of Satan teach lasciviousness, in other words, they teach people they have a license to sin. They teach people they can lie and commit adultery and this is contrary to Gods 10 laws. Ephesians does not teach men they can break Gods laws and it is okay to lie to your wife and it is okay to commit adultery. A minister of Satan would preach lawlessness. A minister of Satan would tell someone they can lie to their spouse and cheat on them.
---Follower_of_Christ on 9/6/12


Ironic, males supporting a cheating, deceitful spouse.
---elsie on 9/5/12

Its not ironic, its Scriptural.

In Ephesians 5, God tells the husband to love his wife and the wife to submit to the husband. Why is that? Because the husband will not always love his wife and may stray because of the difficulties at home. On the other hand, why tell the wife to submit? Because, the wife may want to dominate, may want to run the show, may want to control the husband.

Seems that you have judged your husband's conduct, but what about your own? Have you always submitted to your husband and done what God has told you to do?
---Mark_Eaton on 9/6/12


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elsie: Are you a Christian? If you are, please consult God first not your lawyer. I am suggesting this because God knows today & tomorrow and can perfectly guide you at all times, especially now that you are hurt(Psalms 46:1).
---Adetunji on 9/6/12


thanks to Trey, Trish, Mary and Karen
---elsie on 9/6/12


Elsie,
As much as I understand your hurt and outrage, don't take your hurt and frustration personally. There are many people who jump to conclusions on these blogs. It's not intentionally meant to hurt you. It's just the way some people operate.

Hang in there. As I said, you really need to pray about this situation.

Finally, no matter what you decide to do, seek therapy for yourself. It will help you heal, and grow regardless of the outcome of your decisions.

Hugs,
Trish
---Trish on 9/6/12


elsie...You are new to these blogs. You don't need to pray for Cluny's spouse. He is not married.
---KarenD on 9/6/12


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\\Cluny, nervy to suggest I want pity. \\

Oh, boo the hoo, elsie.

You're not the first woman to come to these blogs and sing, "Oh, my mean husband. Pity me."

What are you afraid of? What are you ashamed of?

You don't fool me, sister. All you want is pity. I've seen it before.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/6/12


"A contented cow does not leave it's pasture"--what a load of "bull"! It eliminates responsibility from the cheater for committing adultery, blaming it on the spouse. I completely disagree.
---Mary on 9/5/12


Cluny,
One time question, him fumbling with many answers! Get YOUR facts straight b/f you make your judgements. I know who needs prayer-YOU for being a cynical jerk! God help your spouse!
---elsie on 9/5/12


elsie, where there is smoke there is fire. I would let him know that you were not born yesterday, and that he should stop pretending. The next thing I recommend is that you demand that the two of you see a Christian marriage counselor.
elsie, you both made a vow to God. God hates divorce. (Mark 10:5-9). Draw close to God and he will draw close to you. (James 4:8) Lean on Christ.
You might also work through the "Fire Proof" book.
I've seen marriages that were better and stronger once both individuals came clean and worked to grow together. I will be praying for you.
---trey on 9/5/12


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\\Karen, I don't know. He has changed answer many times.\\

Of course, you've never changed the question, now have you?

I've noticed that in cases like this, there are three sides: her side, his side, and the truth.

BTW, all you spinsters out there who complain you can't find a husband. Behold one more woman who complains about her marriage. Don't expect marriage to make you happy. It won't.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/5/12


Elsie, not all Christians blame the wife of a cheating husband. I certainly don't.

I suggest that you pray first, and seek the Lord's wisdom in this matter. As you want a Christian response, I try to give that.

I can't tell you what to do about your marriage. You need to decide that between you, your husband and God. The Lord is faithful, and will give you the wisdom to know what to do.
---Trish on 9/5/12


Karen, I don't know. He has changed answer many times.
---elsie on 9/5/12


Ironic, males supporting a cheating, deceitful spouse. Of course, turn blame towards me, the spouse that has stayed by him through all his tribulations, education, career, so forth, the sensitive one for the whole family, the nurturer of the family, always giving selflessly. . Not sure what kind of christianity ya'll practice but you are all highly judgemental without facts and chauvanistic.
---elsie on 9/5/12


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Elsie...What reason did he give for sending the flowers?
---KarenD on 9/5/12


Also, wivv (c: There are bulls. A bull can get into a china shop but he can't manage it!

Both men and women who have bulled their way into marriage, but then their dominating and controlling spirit makes them unable to relate like the Bible says > "Do all things without complaining and disputing," (Philippians 2:14) "submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21) "nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

Their insensitive spirit can help to tempt the spouse to cheat. And they then can blame and bull their way out, but they can't get themselves away from their own ways that got them into that. Only Jesus can > Matthew 11:28-30.
---willie_c: on 9/5/12


Here is an old saying, but it's accurate, "A contented cow does not leave it's pasture." My question, is why does the husband want someone else? Is he willing to attend marriage counseling with a qualified marriage counselor - one that knows neither of you? (If the marriage counselor knows either of you, they can't be 100% objective.)
---wivv on 9/5/12


Elsie,

I agree with Cluny.

You seem quick to judge the situation as hopeless.

Has this happened before or does your husband have a history of cheating on you? I know both men and women who stayed married even after their spouse cheated on them.

If not, why are you so quick to throw him under the bus?

And what fear and shame? You should be ashamed of your lack of commitment to the marriage and be afraid you are wrong about what happened. Anything else is your pride being wounded.
---Mark_Eaton on 9/5/12


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Cluny, nervy to suggest I want pity. Platonic=free from sexual desire, purely spiritual. Do you really think he was "platonically" sending flowers and contacting her while behind my back?
---elsie on 9/5/12


Were the flowers given on secretary's day? Was the number her private number or the office number?

On the good side: secretary's day and her work number - he might be telling the truth.

On the bad side: any other day, and her private number - he is cheating on you, at least emotionally at a minimum.

What you do with this is between you and God. But, you say nothing of real importance - like are there children to be considered?

If he is repentant, it sounds like tough love time: no cell phone any longer for him, no charge card, no cash card, and he gets to go to counseling until the counselor feels it is time for the two of you to work on his problem.....

of course that is if he is a keeper.
---chip on 9/5/12


\\NO such thing as platonic when married, committed to vows.\\

Yes, there is. It could well have been platonic.

What are you afraid of, aside from disobeying Jesus about staying married?

What do you have to be ashamed of, other than wanting pity?

There's a line from the movie THE WOMEN. An older woman advises her daughter, "In my day, divorce was unthinkable. We made the best we could of things, and sometimes, we made very good things of them indeed."

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 9/5/12


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