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Wife Was Improper

I was away from home on work, and got a call from a man saying my wife was 'improper' in that time. I don't trust him, but it limits my trust of my wife, and she tells me things that make me trust her even less. What can I do?

Moderator - Marital counseling.

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 ---Peter on 11/24/12
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Tweetibird, the love you spoke of concerning his wife as Christ loved the Church, is a very hard for most believers. Remember when Peter said he would not stumble in (Mark 14:29)? Jesus told him that he would deny Jesus three times? And he did. Then after the resurrection, Jesus ask Peter, "do you love Me?" three times. The interpretation of love concerning Jesus is "agapao" full commitment. The love Peter had was "Phileo" not full commitment. It was not because he was reluctant to express that greater love, but because he had been disobedent and denied the Lord in the past. Full commitment to Him is what Jesus wants from us and it is hard for many. It hard to have the same commitment to wife as to Jesus?
---Mark_V. on 12/31/12

obviously your marriage lacks communication, yet what's more troubling is how you take the word of some man, who speaks ill of your wife, as more truthful then your wife!! Then because he put the bug in your ear everything your wife now says you trust her less??


strange how the women you are to love and cherish has been tarnished by another man by one phone call accusing her of being improper and that has now set the tone for your marriage. essentially this man accused your wife of the crime of improperness, and then you prosecuted your wife, tried her, and sentenced her to be less trustworthy in all her words - all from one phone call??

sad really. although I highly doubt you ever trusted and valued your wife.
---Follower_of_Christ on 12/30/12

Love your wife the way that Jesus loves us. He gave of Himself unconditionally. Nothing hindered Him. His love holds no boundaries. Pray and ask God to help you how to love your wife more.
---TweetieBird on 12/29/12

Sis. Shira, when God first saved me, I was approached by a sister at the church. She asked me one question,
"Who do you love more, your wife or God?"
For a while I could not answer. I was so in-love with my wife. As I said before, almost obbessed. I then answered: God. She told me if I knew what true love was? So she told me to memorize ( 1 Cor. 13). Then I would know what true love was. And it was not the love I had for my wife. My love was a selfish love. What I wanted meant more to me and what I would do without her, it was about me.
True love does not seek its own. True love never fails. Now that is the Love of Christ. I did not have that kind of Love. It took time for me to learn what true love was.
---Mark_V. on 12/27/12

Sis. Shira, you are right. Many times the accusers are the guilty ones. But not all the time. Many times the accusers are right, their wives are doing things they shouldn't be doing. I believe what happens is that many times one or the other is not saved. Sometimes both so they do not live a godly life. Other times man finds out the difficult time when the wive is going through the change of life. That's why many couples married a long time spit up. They cannot cope with the changes. Many times their wives desire to be young again and do what they missed out when they were young. The same for man. When there is True love, nothing can break that. So what a person needs to learn is, what True Love really means. Much is found in (1 Cor. 13).
---Mark_V. on 12/26/12

everything I have read on this blog is the reason i will never get married again. I've been a widow for 5 years and I seen too much accusing in my life that was not close to the truth. then...I found out the accusers are the guilty ones.
---shira4368 on 12/23/12

Peter, I understand what you are saying. You cannot trust her because she keeps building up stories. Many times, like in my case, I too asked a lot of questions because I was alway worried she would leave. So she begin to hide things from me, so that I would not get upset. But the more she hid the worse I got in not trusting her. She begin to hide pretty dresses in the trunk of the car so that she could wear them where ever she was going. She would go to parties and lie she was at work so that I would not get upset. The more I worried the worse things got. She was reacting to my condition. Then it all finally broke down and she left. Alot of her lies were my doing. Just look at the whole picture. You have a lot to do with what she does.
---Mark_V. on 12/23/12


it sounds as if your wife is a habitual liar. That is why you don't trust her. I am sorry that you're having to experience this with the one person whom should be the one you can trust most. As the moderator said, get marital counseling (with or without her). Most importantly, pray for her and your marriage like never before. God bless you.
---Kim on 12/22/12

Cluny: In what you say about God, of course you are correct.

In the other stuff, there are cases where a person may say too many things against basic logic. In asking her to inform me what happened, I have found her telling me things that I know to be factually untrue.

Shall I trust her there?

Like when she says she broke someone's door down when it is solid metal and you'd need a 9mm gun to shoot the lock out? And she says she kicked the door down. I lived there before....... And she weighs 50kg and is as weak as a lamb

There is something not true here

I do not think she cheated on me, but I do think she is making things up to 'trick me out of getting answers'. But I do also expect her to tell me the truth
---Peter on 12/6/12

\\But it leaves me feeling generally uncomfortable, on the one hand there is no direct evidence that she did anything, but at the same time it is harder to trust her
---Peter on 12/5/12\\

If you don't trust your wife, YOU are the one with the problem.

Consider this: How many times have you sinned, yet does God still trust YOU?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 12/6/12

Mark V: I remain uncertain as to what she really wants......

It also seems to me that if she does not actually tell me she wants to leave me, it is not my job to leave her

However, the story rather reminds me of those old 'my dog ate my homework' type stories...... I have called up the cellphone company, and while she tells me she can't put me in contact with that person, I have informed her how to do that, but she prefers to talk about other things

Either there was something guilty (of which I have no evidence) or she just feels bad

But it leaves me feeling generally uncomfortable, on the one hand there is no direct evidence that she did anything, but at the same time it is harder to trust her
---Peter on 12/5/12

Bro. Peter 2, I was thinking of you alot. It brought memories of my past. I remember that when she left, I told many what I was going through. I always mentioned how she left me, I was looking for sympathy, always blaming her. It took a while for me to understand that it was almost all my fault. I was not the husband God called me to be, or the father I should have been. I was hardly home and my wife did it all. My love for her was an obession for her, it was not the love of Christ that is spoken of in Scripture. She was mine and she belonged to me, how wrong I was. I didn't know the Lord then, did not understand much of God. It took a while for God to change me, but change me He did. Leave things to God, Trust Him with everything in you.
---Mark_V. on 12/5/12

Bro. Peter, first, I'm sorry you are going through this. Second, you can almost bet she has a plan and wants out, and no matter what you do you cannot stop it. Third, don't ever beg, if you do, it gets worse. I have been there Peter. I know how it can tear you apart inside. When my wife left, I felt as if she had died. You cannot stop thinking about her, you cannot work, cannot see anything outside the box you are in. What got me through, was my faith in the Lord. I stopped trying, and left everything to God. The more I tried the worse things got. Our faith really gets tested. I don't know either if my wife slept with anyone, I didn't want to know. She would have to answer to God not to me. You have to answer for yourself, not for her.
---Mark_V. on 12/3/12

wivv: Your point is also well taken, and mostly I accept what she says: that she would go out with him and spend all evening out with him, that he was telling her to come live with him, that she was thinking of doing that for some weeks. Now that alone, if it was alone, I would accept.

But there are bits and pieces. A mutual friend says she spent two nights sleeping at his place, which she never told me. I have been trying to get my wife to give me this man's phone number for a long time, and she always tells me she's lost it, though her cellphone bill will have it on it, so something is fishy here

I don't think she DID anything, but in some way she is still acting in a very suspicious way

---Peter on 12/2/12

Mark V: Your point is well taken, and it is true. It goes,though, with what Rita H says about asking her, and that whenever I try to ask her the only thing I get is a flat refusal to tell me anything, even though I have been told by her friends that she spent 2 nights at his apartment

She has also made statements that are clearly untrue - that he stole her cellphone and she had to break his door down to get her cellphone back (hes, he could have stolen her cellphone, bus she as weak as an ant, and certainly can't break a door down!)
---Peter on 12/1/12

Get his definition of "improper". (Maybe he didn't like her color of lipstick, so he calls it "improper") After that, if you do consider it "improper", than talk with your wife, if that doesn't result in a positive reaction, get marital counseling from a qualified counsolor.
---wivv on 11/27/12

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Bro. Peter, If you don't trust your wife, you will always have a problem, even if she's not doing anything wrong, "you" will have the problem. You will never be able to function, always thinking maybe she does have someone else. You cannot control your wife, and the things she thinks about, or feels. You can only control yourself. She is responsible to God, just like you are. Don't go looking for the guy, because the more you pursue the issue, the more untrustful you will become. Love her as you are commanded to do, and trust her. If she is having an affair, you have no control over it. Nothing you do will change her, no amount of arguing will change her, it will make it worse. God changes hearts. Trust Him, for all humans fail.
---Mark_V. on 11/27/12

You don't say whether you have actually discussed this with your wife. You need to tell her about the 'phone call and wait for her reaction, facial, vocal etc. Give her opportunity to have her say and, if she denies everything, ask her what has happened to make him want to say this about her and ask her who/what exactly this man is.

It 'could be' that she has spurned him in some way and that this is his revenge and it 'could be' a whole heap of other things. You'll get no closer to the truth for as long as you don't discuss it with her.

If you are both Christians then both of you meeting with an impartial person from your church 'might' help but be very sure that you can trust a person before discussing something so personal.
---Rita_H on 11/26/12

Next time that man calls you, hang up on him. He is a trouble-maker. You need to talk to your wife, not the people on these blogs.
---KarenD on 11/25/12

The Mod is 100% right. Find a licensed counselor and get into marital counseling.
---Trish on 11/25/12

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follow your instincts...

right or will find out more about yourself.

spend less time on the computer.
---aka on 11/25/12

I don't trust him, but it limits my trust of my wife, and she tells me things that make me trust her even less. What can I do?
---Peter on 11/24/12
Deuteronomy 19:15 One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sinneth: at the mouth of two witnesses, or at the mouth of three witnesses, shall the matter be established
---francis on 11/25/12

The man claims my wife was being 'improper' with him - he claim he was her 'boyfriend'

However, he had borrowed her mobile phone, so I cannot call him back, and she has deleted his mobile number, so I am not as far as I can work out, able to get his number back
---Peter on 11/25/12

Many details omitted here. Perhaps that is best. A very delicate situation.

My spouse's honor is worth defending. I would go to great lengths in securing her good name.

You have no choice but to trust your spouse. It is not an option.

If it happened to me, I would pursue this man for the truth and make him defend himself with all evidence for this serious accusation.

You are obligated to defend your wife, if you love her. At least you must believe her, for both your sakes. Any doubt you entertain will only divide you down the road.
---Phil on 11/25/12

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And how did this man know your wife was being "improper"?

I accused one man on these blogs of playing Othello. There will always be other men who delight to play Iago.

Let it go.

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 11/25/12

really get to know her

and learn how to love her

trust in Jesus, for how He has us discover how to love, instead of only trying to use people for what we want

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)

The Jews turned against God Himself. But Samuel said, "far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD in ceasing to pray for you" (in 1 Samuel 12:23). So, pray for her.

We can trust someone because we want to use the person, not because the person lives for God. Are you living for God so He trusts you??
---willie_c: on 11/25/12

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