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Mad At Husband's Colleagues

My husband maintains friendship with an ex-colleague. He claims they are friends and I am jealous because she is pretty. He hides too many matters. I am constantly suspicious but no longer voice it out. We live in one house but not on talking terms - I just cannot forget let alone forgive him.

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 ---victoria on 5/16/13
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Victoria, it isn't normal for a husband to have gorgeous "friends" especially if he is hiding things. that should be a big red flag. you should not live in that kind of situation. my prayers go out for you and your husband. you can forgive but his behavior needs to stop. I've never talked about it here but I was in the same mess as you are. my husband was not saved. I prayed so hard for him for years. He did get saved 3 years 8 months before he passed away. sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I left. God impressed my heart to stay where I was. I can tell you my life was awful but I rode out the storm. just something for you to think about.
---shira4368 on 9/7/13


TRUST NO MAN! Why not confront him? Not talking is not an option, since you are living in the same dwelling. I mean, it is awfully hard work! You may not have anything to forgive. Ask him. You say she is pretty. You do the right thing and you will be the treasure. Also, watch your appearance at the breakfast table. Do the best you can with what you have. I hope this helps a little.
---catherine on 9/6/13


I don't know if this victoria is the same as the one who started this thread, but if so, it's telling a lot about her:

**I am a born again Christian, and my husband walked out on the kids and I 1 year ago. I'm 2 yrs younger than he, and I'm his second wife. Our divorce is not yet final, but he is already communicating with a 19 yr old girl from the Phillipines, and plans to bring her over to the United Sates and marry her. He says he does not feel his age, and wants a young wife. He knows in his heart that this girl is THE ONE, even though he's only been communicating with her for 2 months.
---victoria on 8/8/07**
---Cluny on 7/24/13


Cluny, thank you for what you said. yes, our duty is to pray for them. Too many times we only hear from one side of the story.
I remember when I was going through a similar problem with my first wife before she died, every time I told someone at work what was happening, I came to realize that I was blaming her and really looking for sympathy, when I was so responsible for what had happen in our marriage. I was responsible more then my her. We usually tell the story much different then how it really is. That is why it's hard to answer personal problems. peace
---Mark_V. on 6/6/13


I would like to apologize for everything I said on this blog after my initial comment.

I realized last night that I should have prayed that victoria and her husband will reconcile and God will give them true and deep love for each other.

This is what I'm doing now, and I urge everyone here to do the same.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 6/2/13




\\It would be very helpful if you would tell us WHAT your husband is hiding.\\

Were her husband truly hiding anything, how would she know it?

That she is "constantly suspicious" says more about her than about him.

She sounds awfully insecure. That she thinks her husband friend is pretty and this makes her jealous is also telling.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/30/13


Bro. Peter, thanks for you answers. I do not know what is going on in that marriage, yet there are things that a husband is responsible for. He has been given authority over his home. That is God given. He has one purpose, to be responsible for his family. He is to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. He should bring up his family in a Christ inviroment. The wife is also given her guidelines. If the husband is causing division in his marriage he should stop. If she is causing division, she should stop. All we have to answer to here is her view point. Maybe he is not even on the computer at all. Maybe he is not hiding anything and there is no women prettier then his wife. We don't know. I was going by what she said he is doing.
---Mark_V. on 5/30/13


Cluny, Mark V: We do not know here either whether anything more is occurring or whether the wife is demanding too much.

In itself, the term 'friendship' is not enough to know what she means - it can mean anything from 'sending an email every week' (clearly OK) to meeting every evening for two hours at her place (not appropriate).

It is also how they feel about each other

One can of course, as Mark says, ask that the husband be sacrificial for the wife (something that he should).

Or, as Cluny says, one can as that the wife be sacrificial for the husband.......
---Peter9556 on 5/29/13


Victoria, are you reading this?

It would be very helpful if you would tell us WHAT your husband is hiding.

However, I will have to say that being jealous because a friend of your husband is pretty is not in itself good....

Please tell us what you cannot forgive
---Peter9556 on 5/29/13


\\You don't know who is destroying the marriage.\\

But you do?

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/29/13




Cluny, now you are speculating, you say,
"She could easily be.. so and so"
You don't know who is destroying the marriage. If her husband loved his wife and Jesus Christ loves His Church, he would not be talking to other women if his wife does not approve. And as we know she does not.
The husband was given by God to be the head of the house. And he is heading it in the wrong direction.
---Mark_V. on 5/29/13


\\ If she is mad, he should know something is up, and would want to know. Look Cluny, in this case, you might want to judge her. But I don't judge her or him. \\

I'm not judging her. I AM trying to keep her from destroying her marriage.

YOU are siding with her and judging her husband.

All she said is that she's suspicious. That means she has NO evidence.

She could easily be a controlling insecure woman who is doing all the right things to drive her husband away.

I know, because my mother acted like this with no evidence. She harped on my dad and accused him of all sorts of things, played the victim, and eventually drove him away.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/28/13


Cluny, you just want to argue. Now you say,
"All we know is her side of the story." of course, that is all we can answer to. then say,
"There's NOTHING here to indicate that she has said ANYTHING to her husband about her feelings."
If she is mad, he should know something is up, and would want to know. Look Cluny, in this case, you might want to judge her. But I don't judge her or him. All we know is that she is not talking to him because he is talking to some pretty chick online. He should stop unless he is helping someone on line and his wife approves of it. Anytime a man or woman has a separate relationship with the opposite sex, only opens to do to sin.
---Mark_V. on 5/28/13


\\You have very little information on the wife and husband.\\

I have as much information as you do, MarkV.

\\ But what we have is enough to know that she is hurt and wants her husband to stop.\\

All we know is her side of the story. There's NOTHING here to indicate that she has said ANYTHING to her husband about her feelings.

I wouldn't be one bit surprised if she's said more here than she's said to her husband about it. Her own words suggest she has NOT.

As I've said, I've seen this before. Many wives expect their husbands to be able to read their minds. This is unreasonable.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/27/13


Proverbs 18:17 He that is first in his own cause seemeth just, but his neighbour cometh and searcheth him.

People come here sayinghow bad thier spouse is. If we heard from the spouse it would be a different matter
---francis on 5/27/13


\\He hides many secrets about that relationship.\\

The only one who seems to have any secrets from the spouse is victoria.

I'm trying to get her to open the door to reconciliation with her husband.

You seem to be merely affirming her in enjoying being the victim and headed towards a breakup.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/27/13


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Cluny, of course the wife is not talking to the husband. She is mad. He has hurt her. She has shown her disaproval. He hides many secrets about that relationship. Is that what you do Cluny? And you think it is ok because you are a man and have that right? Is that what you would teach your kids? Give me a break. You have very little information on the wife and husband. But what we have is enough to know that she is hurt and wants her husband to stop. If a spouse cannot do everything possible for his wife to keep her happy, he doesn't deserve her. What it seems you want, is for her to shut up and stop complaining, and be happy she has a husband. Great.
---Mark_V. on 5/27/13


a cheating husband knows its wrong but they don't care. anyone who can cheat on their spouse has no conscience. I can say I prayed for my husband for 35 years and he was saved 3 years before he passed away. I thank God for that.
---shira4368 on 5/26/13


Hi, I tried desperately to survive with an unfaithful husband. Tried to please him, ect. Even, I confess, looked to other men for comfort, wrong I know, but pain will do that sometimes. Finally I up and left, best move I ever made. Now I have a wonderful husband who I completely and totally trust and it's a beautiful thing. :) My cancer made us stronger and my MRSA is making us stronger yet and God is blessing us. :)
---Mary on 5/26/13


---Mary on 5/22/13
I am intested to know

1: How did you deal with it?
2: What steps did you take to prevent it from happen again?
3: Did you feel that a measure of revenge was needed?
4: What measures of revenge crossed your mind?
5: Did you at any time blame yourself?
6: What was your relationship with the other female before the incident?
7: What was your relationship with her after?
8: Did you think that she was to blame in any way?
9: Did you think that she was superior to you in any way?
10: How has it affected your relationship with other women?
---francis on 5/23/13


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\\A husband should know that if something offends their spouse they should stop doing what they are doing. \\

If the wife is NOT talking to the husband, as victoria says she is not talking to hers, the husband has no way of knowing if she is being offended.

\\Keeping a secret relationship going with someone else while married is wrong.\\

Since the wife knows, and the husband has been honest about the nature of the relationship, there is nothing secret about it.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/23/13


Mark E, as you I do not like for anyone to accuse another of cheating either. But do you not think that a husband should respect their wives? If a husband knows something they are doing is hurting their wife, do you not think that husband should do anything to make sure he does not hurt her? If he says, I am not doing anything, he is lying because he is hurting his wife. The same thing should hold true for the wife. She should never do anything to hurt her husband. If they don't care, then there is no respect for the spouse. I do anything that I have to do to keep my wife happy. And in return she does the same for me. I believe that is how it works, don't you think so?
---Mark_V. on 5/23/13


Victoria, you have a right to be angry and jealous. A husband should know that if something offends their spouse they should stop doing what they are doing.
Keeping a secret relationship going with someone else while married is wrong. If I kept a personal thing going with someone else after been married, it could be considered by my wife as cheating. A couple should respect one another. So many things are easy to say on line. It is always easy for a man to tell someone close, all of their marriage problems and that is not fair to the wife. But you need to speak to him about it and how it hurts you. If he really loves you he will respond by stopping. When you do talk to him make sure you are under control not angry.
---Mark_V. on 5/23/13


I am just real sensitive to people being cheated on or potentially cheated on
---Mary on 5/22/13

What is potientially being cheated on? This is a light-switch issue. You are either being cheated on or not. There is no potential here.

I am very sensitive to men being accused of cheating on their wives when they are not. I am also very sensitive to all men being accused of being dogs for the sins of a select few.
---Mark_Eaton on 5/23/13


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\\ Just because someone is starved for attention or affection doesn't make them commit adultery.
---KarenD on 5/22/13\\

I will agree with that, KarenD. That is true in many cases.

However, it cannot be denied that victoria is being cold to her husband, and if she keeps up her action, her marriage is headed for major catastrophe.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/23/13


Not every man/woman who is married to a "cold" or "uncaring" spouse cheats. Some people are actual Christians who stick to their vows. Just because someone is starved for attention or affection doesn't make them commit adultery.
---KarenD on 5/22/13


Mary, the original poster here has NEVER said that she was being cheated on.

However, she's doing all the right things to drive her husband into the arms and possibly bed of another woman.

If a husband doesn't get love and affection and affirmation from his wife, he's going to find it elsewhere.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/22/13


Point taken Cluny. :) I am just real sensitive to people being cheated on or potentially cheated on as it happened to me more than once. But yeah, point taken--thanks :)
---Mary on 5/22/13


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\\Why should the wife have to "make herself attractive" to please someone who is not sensitive to her need for fidelity?\\

Mary, the original poster has said she is NOT communicating with her husband and refuses to forgive him.

So just who is being insensitive to whom here?

According to her own words, SHE has closed herself off from him. It therefore behooves HER to be open to him.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/21/13


Why should the wife have to "make herself attractive" to please someone who is not sensitive to her need for fidelity?! I've been cheated on and I'm relatively attractive--and it was the fault of the cheater, not me!
---Mary on 5/21/13


victoria, before it's too late, make yourself beautiful and attractive to your husband--not only in how you look but in how you act towards him.

Otherwise, your pleasure in being a victim will become training for your next dramatic role--The Abandoned Wife.

And who would blame him? Your bitterness will not draw him to you.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/20/13


---victoria you will not speak to your husband, but his ex will.

HHMM so you have chosen to make his ex now his only companion and confidant

OK bad move,
why is her beauty the reason for your jealously?
---francis on 5/19/13


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More thoughts, victoria.

If you can't forgive your husband, how can you expect God to forgive you? Jesus said as much.

In the beautiful words of Grandma, bathe this issue in prayer before you bring it up to your husband, and pray that first God will change YOUR heart and give you love and forgiveness for your husband.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/18/13


victoria, most men don't get why they are being given the silent treatment. They simply get vexed at their wives and eventually ignore them totally.

Thinking, "Well, if he doesn't know why I'm upset, I'm not going to tell him," accomplishes nothing.

You are complaining that he "hides too many matters," but YOU are hiding your suspicions and adding to domestic discord.

Tell him calmly and lovingly, without screaming or saying how rotten he is, how YOU feel about the matter and why you are unhappy..

As someone else pointed out, if he doesn't find love and friendship from you at home, he's going to find it elsewhere. I've seen it happen more than once.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/18/13


victoria...Did your husband have an affair with this woman? Is that why you say you cannot forget let alone forgive him? If you do not respond to my questions, I won't bother posting anymore advice on this question.
---KarenD on 5/16/13


//We live in one house but not on talking terms//
A man is going to do what a man needs to do. If he does not have friendship (not sex) at home he will get it somewhere else.

//I am jealous because she is pretty.// go to the gym

//I just cannot forget let alone forgive him.// Who needs to forgive, you are the jealous one. I am not saying he needs to continue because he needs to stop but you need to voice it and he needs to step up.
---Scott1 on 5/16/13


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And just what is your question, or are you coming on these blogs to complain?

You don't actually think your actions will endear yourself to your husband, do you?

Keep it up, victoria, and you will drive your husband straight into this woman's arms.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 5/16/13


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