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Acceptable To Tell Sister Issues

My sister is an adult..with one healthy grown son, age 33, living with her. He has no education, NO ambitions. She defends EVERYthing he does or doesn't do. Family does not approve, thus she's stopped ALL contact with us. Is this passive aggressive behavior? What course should we take with her?

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 ---Cant_understand on 4/1/05
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Butt out of your sister's business. If your sister and her son are not asking for assistance from the family ,then all is well. They like their living arrangements and that is their business. Treat her and him like the rest of the family. I think it is a bit harsh for your sister to cut off all contact with the family because they don't approve of her and her son's relationship. Seems like something else, not good, is going on. Sister may be holding something back from the rest of the family that she does not want them to know, about son. This is still her right to do so. I would stay out of it. Continue to show love to sister and son. Try to keep family together. This is important,overall.
---Robyn on 7/27/10

How is he bothering the rest of the family? If she wants to keep him, why not? It is her decision isn't it?
---Sandra on 11/25/07

A lot of things going on under the surface, in the realm of the spirit and soul, that are not quite as evident as his asking for money all the time. I am not saying any of that to be mean or in mean-spirited way. I am just coming from a neutral, see both sides angle. Both of them need to see Jesus.
---Linda on 4/3/06


I believe that this goes both ways. The son is being "empowered" by your sister's approval of his behavior. However, have you ever thought about the fact that she feels "empowered" that someone is completely dependent on her? Both are forms of manipulation and fear. On his side, if he stays uneducated and without a job, he has no responsibility. On her side, if he stays uneducated and without a job, he won't ever leave her and she won't be alone.
---Linda on 4/3/06

Well let it be .Because she doesn't mind him
being the way he is.So why should it bother you ??you may have lost your sister for good
---Betty on 4/3/06

Can't Understand,your sister hasn't cut herself off from you,your family has cut her off from them by attacking the person she probably loves most in the world.The Bilble says love covers many faults.Love for a child may well make a person blind to their faults, but no parent wants to lose a child,that means they may do anything to keep them.Be a little kinder and more loving with understanding.It's her money,her child,how she deals with him is her right.Don't make her out to be mentally ill,it's not very normal for a family to be obsessed with running a sisters life.
---Darlene_1 on 4/19/05

TRUST ME....I DO love my sister unconditionally. I would help my nephew too..but $$$ is what he wants. My sister is being used and abused, if not physically, certainly mentally and financially. I pray Our Heavenly Father will change this situation and bring my sister back to us. It's impossible to have a relationship when she has cut herself off from us simply because of this parasite son. Thing is...she loudly denounce another sister for this selfish/cruel conduct. Is this passive/aggressive behavior? What would you do..just keep writing even if she is too stubborn and prideful to reply?
---cant_understand on 4/9/05

Sometimes we don't like what our relatives do but if we want them in our lives, we have to overlook things.
Your sister has made up her mind.

When in doubt. What would Jesus do? He would love her unconditionally.
---Paula on 4/6/05

My suggestion is the different one. Help your sister's son.
---gregg on 4/6/05

THANK YOU BARBARA. I know God is able to change this tragic situation. Pray for Della Rae. She seems to be blind to what her son is actually doing....and Our love for her. It's a mystery to me why she can't see we have HER best interest in mind and heart. Personally, we have nothing to gain ....but her son does!! It goes without saying....I'm having a difficult time dealing with this situation.
---Cant_understand on 4/3/05

I told sis it was time we look out for our future and expect our kids to do the same. Son is domoneering / demanding. We're concerned when she needs help and attention, will be long gone with her money, having used her unashamedly. She isn't communicating because he demanded it. Probably afraid she will listen to counsel. This is a case of mental/emotional abuse. Hope it doesn't lead to physical abuse if he doesn't get all the cash he wants. Hasn't anyone ever heard of this happening before? You can say,"butt out", but you aren't watching your sister being uses and abused.
---Cant_understand on 4/2/05

One of the hardest lessons God has had to teach me is to mind my own business. He gave a command to "Honor" your parents. No where does it say to do so if they are the parents that you think they should be, most parents have a God given intuition regarding their children. God placed that child with your sister for a reason....don't question that, accept it and pray that "God's will be done". Not what you think it should be.
---Pardoned2 on 4/2/05

No one has the power to change lives, except Jesus and through prayer it can happen to both sister and her son. Jesus is the answer to every problem. He changed us didn't He. No one cares, more than Jesus. He is the only one we can trust and He is the only one who can cause us to turn from disaster. May God grace you with His presence and His peace to trust Him Only in all things. God bless.
---Barbara on 4/2/05

Cant_understand, I don't want to sound mean, but everyone here is right. It sounds like you really do love your sister, but this is her choice. You have to really put yourself in her place, and think about if it was you and your son. And if she lives alone, maybe she likes having her son there with her. Just keep being her sister, and her sons Aunt. Thats how it is suppose to be.
---a_friend on 4/2/05

You and your family have violated boundaries in butting into a relationship between two adults. What happens between my grown children and me is none of my sisters and brothers business, and they respect that. Maybe your sister has cut off contact because her boundaries are not respected by her extended family.
---Madison on 4/1/05

I wonder if your sister is trying to protect the one son she has, regardless of how he behaves, because he is her only one. He is her treasure even with all his mistakes. She would know that being a adult. She is your sister and its obviously hurting you not having contact with her. Try to keep the contact with her and love her the best way you can. Show her Christ-like love and pray that you will be a tool in God's hand to reach to her son. God can work miracles.
---Trisha on 4/1/05

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I suggest examining what you and your family have done in the past, words spoken, actions taken, and compare them with your sister's reaction to them. Is there something you or someone else said that brought upon bad fruit? If so, they should apologize, and explain their motivations behind it. Then keep it in prayer. Take it to the Lord. You can't change her or her situation, but God can. Let him lead. God bless.
---Katie on 4/1/05

Sorry the replies were meanspirited, but there was truth in it. For instance, she is an adult, and it is her son, therefore what she does with her son is her own perogative. I understand your love for her, and that the family only wants what is best, however the fact that she cut off contact with everyone shows it was not properly addressed the first time. The love and wisdom from above does not turn others to do the opposite of what is best for them. To be cont.
---Katie on 4/1/05

The replies seem mean spirited, because you don't agree ,yet, they are all very much alike.You won't accept the truth. He's her son, what she does for him is what a loving mother does, thinks with her heart and not her head. Why do you feel you have the right to intervene?You can't dictate to a person how they should live their life.Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's wrong for her.Is she retarded? She is getting something from it or she wouldn't do it.What does she get from you?Criticism,mean mouthing her son,treating her like she hasn't sense enough to run her own life.
---Darlene_1 on 4/1/05

My brother (44)lives at my parents'. My dad (66)pays ALL the bills. I pray that my parents will be protected from my brother, as he has a violent temper and has rage problems. I let God take care of it all. My sister won't go to my parents' house to visit my mom, because she does not want to have anything to do with my brother. Those are the choices we all have made. Just keep praying, it's all anyone can do.
---Elizabeth on 4/1/05

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He IS her son.

It must be very hard for you to watch this, but you will only make things worse if you interfere.
---Alan_of_U.K. on 4/1/05

My sister has worked and saved for years. She is comfortable, but at the age to think of her future needs. We KNOW this son is only looking at the $$$ NOT his mothers best interest. We actually fear for what he might do. Sisters best interest are our first priority. Son is a parasite but she is enabling him. She needs family...but shuns us because son is an embarrassment and shame to her. She continue to shelter him....WHY...when we have no ulterior motives. Love for her is our only motive. We want to protect her. Someone MUST intevene. So far the replies have been mean-spirited.
---Cant_understand on 4/1/05

As you know, your sister is an adult, and you should wait for her to ask for your opinion. Don't you think that her son may have a psychological problem? Try speaking with him, not to him.
---Mary on 4/1/05

I would say she has taken the action necessary for her. My advice to you is mind your own business. You said it all in the first line, "my sister is and adult" Her behavior is defensive agressive I'd call it. Look at your behavior not hers.
---becky on 4/1/05

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