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Do I Tell Spouse Of My Affair

If someone had an extramarital affair in the far past, should that person tell the spouse if it meant destroying the children's lives and possibly losing the spouse and if that person felt that the spouse wasn't emotionally or spiritually mature to "handle it"?

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 ---Karen on 4/28/05
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six weeks ago i discovered my wife's affair in her journal. it was divine in the sense that i had never read her journal before and "something" told me to read it. my wife said it set her free, that she could never really move on without me knowing. she says that deceit doesn't cover deceit, that the truth is the first step to healing and recovery. i strongly disagree with anyone who would keep a secret from their spouse.
---wade on 3/15/08

Yes you should tell your husband, doesn't matter man or woman who has had affairs the spouses always find out, so it is better you be the one to tell him. If the shoe was on the other foot would u want your husband to tell u?
---ANN on 10/18/07

Yes. Your lies will find you out.
Tell the truth.
Give your spouse the decision making right to decide if they want to keep you as a spouse. If they do not, that is the consequence of sin. Your lie will find you out.
---Bob on 10/18/07

No. Truth is always important unless it causes damage to the person who would recieve. Never cause someone to stumble. Your friend needs to repent and NEVER do it again and have this matter between the person and God as long as the spouse will not find out about it some other way. I pray not. Truth should not cause distruction to a family.
---jody on 10/18/07

You do not have to confess your sins to man to gain forgiveness. But you will never have true intimacy with your spouse if you keep your affair a secret. We are made "one" with our spouse (Gen 2:24). As painful as it will be, you must tell your spouse.
---ted on 10/18/07

Cathy ... was this person you? If it was, how long ago was it ... before the children came along?

Have you had a really loving life with yuor husband since?

What speciall things have you done with your husband, Were they better than the things you did with you partner in the affair.

If life with yourhusband has been much much better than you everexperienced with the extra-marital partner, will that give you confidence to say to your husband "I love you so much, and for ever but I need to tell you about this thing in the past"?
---Alan_of_U.K. on 8/31/07

The Bible says that we have to confess our sins, I suggest you go to your pastor first and seek his advice (and his wife's) and pray with you so you'll have the strenght to tell your husband. God has forgiven you but you have to come clean to your husband and respect his final decision. Trust the Lord to touch his heart...
---Cathy on 3/28/07

Sister Karen, I guess you have heard both ways of doing things. I was seperated and when she was gone I wondered if she went with someone. When God restored our marriage, I didn't feel she had to tell me anything. I believe we are responsible for ourselves before God. If she did do something, she would have to answer to God and not to me. When she died, I never felt she should have told me. She settled with God. We stand along before God with no one with us.
---Lupe on 5/5/05

Darlene, I'm sorry if my saying that we should not make excuses for ourselves to hide sin caused pain in any way - that certainly was not my intention. We all struggle with confessing sin. The verse you gave, Proverbs 17:9 does not give us permission to hide sin from others. It reads: He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. To "cover" here means to forgive, not to hide.
---Heidi on 5/2/05

Dear Karen,please don't use the children as an exuse to hide sin.If it is bothering you to hold it in,confess.If you would rather keep it to yourself than hurt your spouse,that too is an option,such confessions often destroy trust but that is understandable.Pray for God's direction in this matter and follow what he says to you.Good luck in your decision,God bless you.
---RUSSELL on 4/30/05

Confession is to be made to the person(s) we have wronged. You do not say if this occured in your present marriage, but gather it did. Then I would understand you have wronged him and should confess to him. As for the "results" you see, these are never an excuse to disobey God. When conviction comes from the Holy Spirit, then we either heed it or reject it. God's word is the standard, His promises are sure. Do your duty in the light of His word, and leave results with God. Read Genesis 22.
---Wayne8734 on 4/30/05

Some people make $$$ by selling books about their affair or affairs. To tell or not to tell. Either way there will hurt. Forgiveness and restructuring and maintaining the marriage is possible however. But not without a lot of pain. Also could the wonderful you get a VD test and an AIDS test to make sure that your wonderful spouse is not hurt.
---barbara on 4/29/05

She told me not to tell my husband because he would blame God.I listened to her.Years I carried around guilt and shame,until I couldn't carry it further.I asked God to help me with the place and timing that I needed to tell him.It was not easy.I just hated hurting him.We are still together. He forgave me as God forgave me.You need to get this out.Ask God to help you with the place and timing, and if He did it for me He'll do it for you.You can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens you.
---SHEARON on 4/29/05

Are you plagued by feelings of guilt and shame about the affair of your past? Maybe this is the Holy Spirit asking you to trust God for your marriage.I,too had a past affair
and I remember the guilt and shame that I carried.After I became a Christian I went to one of the ladies of my church whom I respected.She in her past also had affairs.
---shearon on 4/29/05

I wish I had more space here to develop this but I don't. If the original poster would like to e-mail me personally, my personal e-mail can be found in my profile linda9974. I pray that the revelation of Jesus Christ overtake and subdue all the thoughts of guilt and condemnation you are experiencing and bring you the peace that passes all understanding. You shall KNOW the truth and the truth will set you free. The truth is not what you did in the past. The truth is that the debt has been paid and you can experience that truth if you believe.
---Linda_Smith on 4/29/05

Some folks may feel like she still "owes" her husband the truth but her Father sees the debt paid by the stripes on Jesus' back and the man who "owed" anything dead and buried. God is not a God of guilt and judgment. He is a Father. His Holy Spirit bears witness of and reveals Christ, not our sins. Guilt is the offspring of the accuser of the brethren while peace is the offspring of a perfect sacrifice that has brought us to God. There can be nothing good gained by moving in guilt and condemnation.
---Linda_Smith on 4/29/05

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Amen Darlene. Walking in the Spirit has every thing to do with walking in the truth and the light of what Jesus accomplished. A brand new creature is just that....something that NEVER existed before. I am not, as a new creature, sitting here confessing to God sins He has already washed away. That would be the equivalent of going back to pay a debt that has already been paid. Jesus has paid this woman's sin debt in every realm of her life, including the social realm.
---Linda_Smith on 4/29/05

Heidi,It isn't taking away from God's Word to advise her not to tell her husband,and it has nothing to do with making excuses for ourselves(judgemental statement from you).The Bible says;Proverbs10:12 Hatred stirreth up srifes;but love covereth all sins.Also Proverbs17:9 He that covereth a transgression seeketh love;but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.Thought;wisdom isn't always found in an open mouth,sometimes it's found in a mouth closed.
---Darlene_1 on 4/29/05

Jaun, are you suggesting women aren't as honest as men?It sounds like you believe all women are just a little crooked.To tell something that will ruin the childrens lives isn't good.There is nothing but evil that will come out of telling.The husband has lived with it without knowing. Where is the wisdom in hurting him now?If it had just happened I'd say tell,but it's old and buried.Why dig up a stinking corpse of evil, which will only bring the death of a family,into their lives?I don't believe hurting innocent children is the answer.They will be hurt the most if daddy leaves.
---Darlene_1 on 4/29/05

I am a woman, and I totally agree with Juan. Confess your sin to your husband AND God. Remember your marriage is representative of Christ and his church - no secrets there. I truly believe if someone tells you otherwise, they are taking away from God's word, and in doing so making excuses for themselves. Stop making excuses that you do not have to confess, and be strong enough in God to do what is right in His eyes. Tell your husband.
---Heidi on 4/29/05

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I think it would depend on if your husband is a strong and understanding Christian. If he is the type to go off the handle, or is easily hurt, then No, don't tell him. It will only make things worse. Plus he will feel like he needs someone to talk to, so therefore unless you want people talking about you and telling him he should leave you, I wouldn't tell him. I know, it happened to me years ago.
---someone_who_knows on 4/29/05

Karen, the two person that advicess you to not tell are woman, and the one that reminds you to do un to oders as you would want them to do to you is a man.The trust that you think you have with your husban is false and you know it. God allows us to feel guilty because there is something wrong. Please take this to the elders, find some profesinal help, posible a Marriage coucelor, the point I'm making is that you need to be free of this and he should be free from the unfaithfulness that you have kep silently all these years also. Love covers a multitud os sins, but love deals in truth.
---Juan4544 on 4/28/05

I agree with Lisa. If you believe that Jesus, through His death, has sealed your old life with all its deeds and consequences in a tomb and made you brand new in Him, what would be the benefit of meditating on or living in the past? Walk away from that tomb free of the dominion, condemnation, and guilt of everything nailed to the cross. What do we render unto Him for all His benefits toward us? We take the cup of salvation and call upon the name of the LORD. That cup has none of our sins in it. He already drank that cup.
---Linda_Smith on 4/28/05

Karen, speaking from experience I think you should leave it in the past. Nothing good can come from destroying your husband's trust now. You have to live with the guilt and this is what is eating away at you. But there is forgiveness through Christ, confess to God, repent, go to a trusted pastor if you feel you need, but I wouldn't tell your husband. Even if he were spirital and mature enough, the trust he has for you will go and it will eat away at him. You want to unburden yourself from the guilt but you will load it onto him and then you will be hurting him twice.
---lisa on 4/28/05

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Matthew 7:12, "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them:"
---Bruce5656 on 4/28/05

You say the affair was in the far past.If you learned your lesson, and have gone on to live a commited life with your husband, what good is there in telling him or anyone else now? People only admit to affairs to relieve their own feelings of guilt.It only hurts others and serves no useful purpose,especially at this late date.Ask God to forgive you and tell no one else ,not the Pastor, or anyone.It was your mistake,you deal with it,it's wrong to hurt those you love and destroy their lives.It's in the past,leave it there. Then be the best wife and mother you can,and grow closer to God.
---Darlene_1 on 4/28/05

Sorry Karen (and Cathy) ... my reply should have been addressed to Karen.
---Alan_of_U.K. on 4/28/05

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