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Fault Is The Victim Of An Affair

Many men and women, even on ChristiaNet, have problems with infidelity! It may help if we all examine our role and see if we're doing our best to keep our marriage alive instead of ending up complaining that our partner is having an affair.

In many cases, the fault lies with the "victim".

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 ---Albert on 4/29/05
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I like the first part of your posting but in my opnion you prejudiced the process by suggesting a conclusion which would be better reached by each examiner for him or herself. Also, I would suggest that this self-exam be preventatve rather than curative. Thanks!
---Pierre on 10/16/08

Albert, I do not agree with what you are saying. It is wrong to blame the victim. The victim as you put it may contribute to the marriage going stale so to speak, but the victim does not hold a gun to the spouses head and force them to have an affair. It takes three to have a good marriage, Christ as the head, the husband and the wife in submission to Christ, and then to each other.
---Cynthia on 10/28/07

no one deserves to have their spouse cheat on them if you have a problem with your spouse and even so much as think of having an affair talk to them about it maybe they dont know you have a need for more and if that doesnt work dont cheat and blame it on them you can hold your desire to go cheat if everyone used their spouse as the reason no one would be committed cheating is a sin and not a sin on the victims behalf but on the cheaters you cant lay the blame on the victim no way
---andre9789 on 10/26/07

Russell: You remind me of the show "Laugh In" where the guy always said, "The devil made me do it." If a person who is saved has the Holy Spirit living in him or her, they have nobody but themselves to blame for their sin. Satan cannot make a believer do anything.
---Madison on 5/2/05

Albert: if you assault someone, you are legally responsible for the consequences. You may be let off because of extenuating circumstance, but you are still guilty of assault.

If a person has an affair, they are responsible for what they did in the bed of another person, not their spouse.
---Madison on 5/2/05

Russell,you called that wrong.I don't need to calm down because I'm not upset to begin with.I do think you just restated the reason I have shared Bible verses and continued to respond.Man isn't led astray by Satan.Satan comes to steal,kill, and destroy,but he can do nothing until man gives him power over him.Bible;we have power over all the power of the enemy.It is man's own weakness and lust that leads him astray,nothing else.Man isn't Satan's victim.Satan only can do what man allows.
---Darlene_1 on 5/2/05

Albert,Darlene,Madison,calm down,You all know who is behind infidelity.Satan is a liar,destroyer,thief,murderer,he roars about like a lion seeking whom he may destroy.The best way to prevent the problem in the first place is to be committed to your spouse and both have a daily walk with God and not become a victim of the devil.
---RUSSELL on 5/1/05

Madison, I'm not a violent person but if someone hits my wife, I'll punch him on the nose. Legally, I'll be charged but technically, I didn't initiate the problem so although "guilty", I was motivated by someone's else action.
---Albert on 5/1/05

James1:14&15 But every man is tempted,when he is drawn away of his own lust,and enticed.Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin;and sin when it is finished ,bringeth forth death.This makes it plain,a person is drawn away and enticed by the lust of their own minds and flesh,therefore, to lay the blame on some one else for tempting them isn't Biblical.To blame another,in any way for one's sinful behavior,is like saying"the Devil made me do it".Obvious God thinks; one that sins bears the blame,not the victim.
---Darlene_1 on 5/1/05

I totally disagree with this post. The fault lies with the person who cheats. PERIOD!!!!!!! God holds each of us accountable to Him for what we do, not what our spouses do.

If there are problems, like frigidity, erectile dysfunction, or the like, there are medical interventions that should be explored, as well as therapeutic ones. The couple should be in communication with one another, and find help together, or separately, but there is help available. People just don't seek it. Instead they go and have affairs and blame their spouses. Poppycock!
---Madison on 4/30/05

Ulrika, Adam is guilty also but, imagine if Eve did not tempt him?

I used to be a director of PwP in Canada and I heard tons of stories which in my opinion could have had a better ending if there had been show of affection and care between the partners.

E.G. if a husband goes out drinking with his buddies every evening, he can't expect his wife to stay put waiting for him at home.
---Albert on 4/30/05

I was more referring to the preventive system than to councelling.

Many a problems are caused and do not just occur.
---Albert on 4/30/05

Bruce seems to have spelled it out very well. No, Allan, thanks God, I do not have that problem but I read quite a few posts here stating husband did this, wife did that and it is in order to check for the reason WHY some partners commit adultery.

Are we caring, loving and respecting toward our partner? Are we dedicating enough time to keep him/her company? Are we giving him/her enough attention? Many fail and then put all the blame on the offending partner.
---Albert on 4/29/05

In some counselling the victim is not to considered "wrong"in any way. In other counselling the victim and the abuser are considered equally "wrong". But the victim is never the villian.
---a_friend on 4/29/05

Albert ... reading your response to the question, it does not seem as if you have this problem, as some here have assumed.

Are you the Albert who got married recently ... if so I am sure you are putting this question just to remeind everyone that a marriage requires love and attention from both parties.

But I have to agree with others that the one who strays is the sinner
---Alan_of_U.K. on 4/29/05

I believe husbands will be held accountable for how they treat their wife. Ephesians 5:22--33.Do you think the Lord will hold you guiltless when you say, my wife made me do it? Adam blamed Eve when he took the forbidden fruit. They both were punished.
---Ulrika on 4/29/05

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Do you ever ask your wife to go for counseling? It would seem to me that if you love her as the Lord tells husbands to love their wives, you would want to help her. If she gets the love and support she needs, maybe she would will be more receptive. Don't just think of your needs. Maybe you both should get marriage couseling to help you to learn more about how to communicate eachother's needs.
On the other hand if the husband does not love his wife, there is no way get him to not cheat or leave.
---Ulrika on 4/29/05

Frigid woman, maybe the man is a lousy over, abusive,dirty, doesn't work, many things could be wrong,that's why couples must talk about needs.It may take two to tango, but only one to break marriage vows.There is NO EXCUSE for a wife or husband to cheat on the other.No matter what a wife does,is a man such a wimp he can't speak up to tell her how he feels.She is innocent because we all must answer for our own sin.No circumstances are big enough cause anyone to sin if they are where they should be with God.No where does the Bible say someone else is guilty of our sin.He chooses, God or Satan.
---Darlene1 on 4/29/05

i agree with Darlene. The faithful spouse is never responsible for the sin of the cheating spouse. If you are married, and some other person makes a pass at you, then put your foot down hard and stand up for your marriage and tell that person "No, i'm already married!" Don't cheat, and then blame your absent innocent spouse for own wrong, saying, "well, if my spouse would love me more at home, then this wouldn't have happened".
---Eloy on 4/29/05

Cheating on one's spouse is low and in my view, disgusting but not everyone is morally strong to come to the right conclusion when faced with apathy from his or her partner.

It is imperative that we do our part to make our partner as happy as possible whether in day to day treatment and also in intimacy.
---Albert on 4/29/05

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The cause of infidelity is the breakdown of the values inherent in either partner that joined them in the first place. This breakdown causes a separation of the spirits and a groping in the dark, if you will, to find the other. It is something unseen and unknown by the physical. You are creating a new 'being' when you are married. When you divorce, you cut the head off.
---gregg on 4/29/05

This raises an interesting point. At one time, before remarriage was so widely accepted, there used to be a focus on the "innocent party" in a divorce. Presumably this would be the partner that was cheated on.

However, as is often said, it takes two to tango, or in this case to step on each other's toes? Ok so it's a lousy pun but, consider a man who is virtually (or litteraly) "driven" from his marriage bed by a fridged abusive woman. He commits adultery with some sympathetic woman.
---Bruce5656 on 4/29/05

Who is at fault?

He made the choice you say? Yes he did but can she be held "innocent". That makes it like a children's staring contest. Both are playing the game to win but someone blinks first so they loose.
---Bruce5656 on 4/29/05

Albert,remember every person is responsible for their own actions.To blame the wronged party is a cop out for the one who commited fornication.It takes two to make a marrige and the one who cheats is the one who sins.Couples need to comunicate their needs to one another.The one who cheats has failed to participate in that process.The Bible says the soul that sins shall die,not the one sinned against.I know what you're saying, but thats not even good psychology,let alone Bible.No one "makes" someone sin,they have free well.
---Darlene_1 on 4/29/05

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