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My Husband Tells Me I Am Wrong

I feel mentally abused. My husband has never hit me and I don't think he would, but he is always pointing out everything that I do wrong. At times I feel like I can't do anything right. The way he talks to me really hurts. I don't know what to do.

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 ---confused on 4/29/05
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I was in the same situation as yourself. After awhile of taking the mental abuse, and yes it is mental abuse, I turned the tables. One day, when he finally happy and trying his best to please me, I nit picked and cut everything he did for me down until he got so angry he wanted a divorce. Only then did he understand the hurt and pain that he has been putting through. He has not done it since.
---eryn on 3/13/08

Have you clearly discussed the situation with him in a way he understands? Did he say "I don't care..I'm going to make you feel like terrible about yourself anyway!"? Sometimes, the offender doesn't realize his offense.
---jeff on 3/13/08

I now prefer to look at myself and criticize what I find is not how God's love has me reacting and feeling and relating. But now a lady love-friend tells me not to be so hard on myself...maybe because I will apply my standards to her, also ? (o: When under fire, this can trick us into defending ourselves, but I'd say make sure you check yourself in prayer, to make sure you see and deal with whatever really *is* needing change and correction (o:
---Bill_bila5659 on 3/13/08

Confused::Men who play these games of Mind control, know their inferiority and cover it with FALSE superiority.They should be told at the outset even before marriage that ,this is unacceptable behaviour,they need to be exposed -Take a hike jack and never come back.A man who does not understand respect will abuse.Women see the masculinity in Men which is the initial attraction.cover all bases before saying "I DO"because then, you are damned if you dont.
---Emcee on 3/13/08

You will be in my prayers. I lived with my ex-husband of 7 years who would always make me feel as if i was in the wrong all the time. Hang in there...i will be praying for your husband as well.
---faye on 3/13/08

I saw your question on another blog, wasn't sure if it could really be so. I see that it is. I cannot imagine family deserting you at your time of great need. But after hearing a little more, I can see why your heart was broken. Mental abuse is every bit as destructive as physical abuse, except you get to keep your teeth.
---Jenny on 7/22/07

I feel the same way about my husband. For 20 yrs., he told me everything I had done wrong in the past. I had a heart transplant and he and my 2 children deserted me. We separated, and I lived with my precious motherfor 7 yrs. She died 2 years agoand I lost the only support I ever had,except for my Lord Jesus.
---vaughan on 7/22/07

Get out of that marriage, no one should have to live with abuse be it emotional, mental or physical. Marriage is supposed to be one where you support each other, not knock the other down to the ground. Your husband may not have hit you yet, but who's to say that he won't in the future?
---Katie on 7/14/07

Do to him what he is doing to you. Then say to him the reason why you are doing what you are doing. Let him know when he is hurting you. If he feel what it is like maybe he will stop.
---Theresa on 5/6/07

Yes Silva Pray long and hard that he comes to realise that excpt he re-married because you committed fornication/Adultery both will have to Repent of their Adultery and depart or Both will have no part in the kingdom of heaven. re- marriage was never an option if he cause the divorce through unfaithfulness.
---Carla5754 on 4/24/07

If what you say is true ignore him Its his problem.& tell him to reevaluate the situation,If you dither you will be confused be assertive or else he can do it himself to HIS satisfaction.
---Emcee on 4/24/07

If what you say is true ignore him Its his problem.& tell him to reevaluate the situation,If you dither you will be confused be assertive or else he can do it himself to HIS satisfaction.
---Emcee on 4/24/07

This often happens when he feels you have wronged him and he has not let it go, or if your partner has issues with relationships period due to his upbringing. (Keep in mind women do this too) I would tell him how it hurts that he is constantly critical and point out the the basis of christian love is gentle correction. Pray for him and ask him to pray about it with you that he might see the good you do as well as the bad. Pray that he might be more forgiving and loving. You should also pray that you are stronger and do not allow his overcritical nature to hurt your walk in love with Christ.
---Eric_S on 4/24/07

I found out through my own experience that we as humans want others to see what we see and feel what we feel but we all have our own character. I always wanted my wife to see what I saw and never thought about what she was thinking. God made us all different and we think and feel different. It took for God to change me and when He did my wife begin to open up to me so many things she was thinking. I pray that its time for God to change your husband in this matter. humbleness is very hard when you hurt, but God will help you.
---Lupe on 5/2/05

No one has the right to excessively criticize another. How you handle this is critical to the survival of your relationship. First you and your husband need to pray for yourselves and the relationship. Next you both need to go to a good Christian counselor re your self esteem issues. Establishing boundaries brings respect for each other. However, nothing heals like going to the best Counselor of all. The Lord can lead you into all truth thru His Word and the power of the Holy Spirit.
---Elsie on 5/1/05

Silva, Good story! Don't forget to still pray for him and his new lady. This may be hard to do, but when you do, it will help heal you even more. God bless.
---John on 5/1/05

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Mentally abused is worth then physical abused. It has taken me two years to beable to get my self esteem back.I asked the dear lord Jesus if he did'nt want me in this relationship with this man to give me the strenght and the guidance to walk away. He did on January 21st 2003. Today I can look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. Today that man has not change still the same and the lady that he is with now she is going through the same thing.God is Awesome he was with me step by step. And god has bless me with so many blessings already. You deserve much better then what you got..Silva
---silva on 4/30/05

As long as you know you are doing things right, who cares. But I know words can hurt and it seems the people we love always hurt us the most.
---sue on 4/30/05

Pleas don't take this the wrong way, but what I feel is that you may have a problem of a low self esteem that needs to be shown approval, as a means of assurance and comfort. If you rely on man to provide that comfort and assurance then you are aiming very low. Let the Lord take all those insecurities and allow Him to lead your life. Live by faith through Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, to see who God is. Then no one can abuse you, unless you let them. Seek ye first the Lord, and let all things fall into place. My prayers of support as you continue your life with Christ.
---Blue on 4/30/05

you need to confront him about this and let him know that this is unacceptable. too much discouragement is a form of abuse, and can leave permanent marks on your mind.
---curt on 4/30/05

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Encouragement helps.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are "true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there be any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy --- meditate on these things.
Philippians 4:18

Correction is easier to deal with if the person sees somethings as beneficial. We can feel overwhelmed by the critical person.

Thank you for taking time to do what you have done so nicely.
---barba6786 on 4/30/05

Let what your Heavenly Father says of you in Christ be what defines you instead of what others say of you. He is there, not only with you but in you, to lift you above the realm of all that is in the world and all that flows out of the carnal mind of those still functioning in and out of an old covenant way of life. That was nailed to the tree and you have been raised to another kingdom with another King in dominion. Believest thou this?
---Linda9974 on 4/30/05

Sounds like he has a real handle on the ministry of condemnation. However, you are not under that law but under grace. Find out what God says about you and let that be the kingdom you walk in from now on. I know it is very hurtful to hear those kinds of words out of someone who is supposed to love you very much but there is a place in Christ, in the presence of God, where there is shelter from the fiery darts of condemnation and accusation.
---Linda9974 on 4/30/05

Confused: First pray to the Lord for gudance. I would hope that He would move you to invite your husband to go to marriage counseling with you.If he should refuse I would SEPERATE (move out) for a month and let him find out how easy it is to do everything perfectly every day.You could even suggest that he chart his experience, perfect days and not perfect days! Hopefully that would cure him! Of course that supposes tha you are/can become an "in your face" wife at least until the crisis is over. If you are weak, he will not change!
---Pierr7958 on 4/30/05

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Dear Confused you are right about one thing.You are being abused mentally,and if you continue to listen to him he will eventually convince you that you are beneath him.You are a child of God not a prisoner of your husband.God is the only one who has a right to judge us,and he does it in a loving correcting way,not by tearing us down,I believe in unconditional love,however I urge you for your own well being do not stay in an abusive marriage.God bless you.
---RUSSELL on 4/30/05

Have you told your husband exactly how the constant criticism makes you feel? You must state it you did here for ChristiaNet. He may not realize what he's doing or how it sounds to you. Remember, "a soft answer turns away wrath".
---Eloia on 4/30/05

I replied to your blog earlier but it probably won't show up because I accidently put my email address in it. If you want to discuss this, we can do it through Christianet email. My id is karen9588. Your hubby sounds like he is very insecure. Most people who point the finger at others are, in my opinion.
---Karen9588 on 4/30/05

Have you let him know that the way he speaks to you hurts you? Nevertheless, I've found that when someone is always pointing out the faults of others, it's actally because they themselves are insecure. This may be the case with your husband.
---Karen9588 on 4/30/05

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The world is a tragic place right now. Jesus Christ said, 'In the world you have great pressure, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.' You husband is a good man, talk to him.
---gregg on 4/30/05

HI I know-My husband is a Critial person and feel really downhearted about the fact he Picks too-it is hard to take - SO I pray a lot-!!!to just be able to withstand the days when he is in His Picky mood-He is generally such a great fun loving guy but I know how hard it is to forgive- move on but it is the right thing to do!! and I know myself when I Pray to the Lord to lift my anger -he does Everytime-then I move on and feel so Much better about US-It takes time and a lot of working to Make a Marriage be rewarding but It does happen with Constant Prayer and willingness to forgive SUE
---Sue on 4/30/05

you are his wife..his partner.tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not like what he is doing .ask him how he'd like it if you pointed out his "wrongs" as often as he does .no one's not keep silent."silence gives consent".do not give him permission to hurt you in any way because love should not hurt at all.learn to communicate/talk in a positive manner...or call it quits!
---gloria on 4/30/05

That IS emotional abuse. It is no different to physical abuse. Talk to someone from domestic Violence. They are there waiting to help you.
---Jan on 4/30/05

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So sorry for your pain. Consolation is that Jesus knows all about it. Your husband seems to be suffering from an inferiority complex and because of his imperfections you take the brunt. Do not let him drag you down my dear, but just lift yourself to the Lord and when your husband starts on you again just bring Jesus to the front of your mind and concentrate on Him and His love for you - ignoring all else. Pray for your husband that the Lord will change him. I too will pray for you both. God bless you and strengthen you by His grace. Jan
---Jan on 4/30/05

sorry dear
But how often do u comminicate with your dear one? Communication maters alot. But in such cases yo husband must greetconsious thereis something not proper is doing
---shamilah on 4/30/05

sorry dear
But how often do u comminicate with your dear one? Communication maters alot. But in such cases yo husband must greetconsious thereis something not proper is doing
---shamilah on 4/30/05

There could be a gazillion reasons why this is happening, and it could be his fault alone, your fault, or some combination. In my experience, I was very critical of my wife when I felt totally rejected by her. Obviously, being critical made things worse, and I eventually realized that I couldn't change her. All I could do was love her "as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her" and pray for her heart to change. Maybe someone needs to tell him that.
---Nicholas on 4/30/05

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What he is doing is abuse! I was 25 years with a man who used every anniversary to tell me what a failure I'd been from the year before. Speak to your Pastor and see if there are some support groups within the church or a Christian counselor who takes referrals from the church. Most importantly, take care of yourself and children (if any)usually people who put others down,are trying to build themselves up.
---Grace on 4/30/05

Talk to him in a nice way. Be frank with him. Tell him that he is hurting you the way he is saying things.
---linda on 4/30/05

maybe bring to your husband,s attention how you feel about the way he treats you ephesians 5 says how to love your wife maybe bring to his attention good luck vicka
---vickie on 4/29/05

maybe bring to your husband,s attention how you feel about the way he treats you ephesians 5 says how to love your wife maybe bring to his attention good luck vicka
---vickie on 4/29/05

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maybe bring to your husband,s attention how you feel about the way he treats you ephesians 5 says how to love your wife maybe bring to his attention good luck vicka
---vickie on 4/29/05

I'am sorry to say that your Husband is wrong. That is Mental Abuse. Which is just as bad as physical abuse. And therefore he needs to get help or some type of counseling to help him to understand that it is wrong in Gods eyes. In plain words it is sin. He needs to ask for forgiveness to God and also to you.
---Ruth on 4/29/05

Been there at times. Please him when you can, assess when you are doing all you can, Ask God to show you what is true, ignore what you cant do, and grow a tough skin through it all. You will never please your husband all the time, so know you are doing your best, dont answer back but do the best you know how with God's help. It works for me.
---janet on 4/29/05

You ARE being mentally and emotionally abused and NO ONE has the right to do that to you...I was in a short 5 month marriage where I was beaten to a pulp and hospitalized 3 times and he almost killed me as my heart stopped....he ridiculed me and called me names and always told me I was need to seek counseling through your church or a professional and I would suggest you contact a women's support group..write me if I can be of any help..
---fran4857 on 4/29/05

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