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Recipe' blogs, Grief blogs, I think we need a humor blog! If we're feeling down, it may cheer us up! What say ye?

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 ---NV_Barbara on 5/3/05
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Elder, I enjoy your's and Barb's humor, but plz indulge me, at the risk of sounding too blond, what are "Spilling overs" that you posted?
---Eloy on 10/25/08

The reason they have elections in November is because it's the best time for picking out a Turkey
---kathr4453 on 10/23/08

Elder ... If you got yourself a Wormery, you could fill those bottles with good liquid plant food, and sell that.
---alan_of_UK on 10/10/08

This is Maxine. You guys may have heard it.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
---Trav on 10/9/08

NV, Cliff,
I dig empty Listerine bottles outta the trash, refill them with "Spilling overs" and sell them at yard sales.

The money keeps me on the Internet.

Cliff it gets thick if you leave the cap off.

I did and found I could sell "Chewy Style." It sold real good until the mixture pulled some teeth outta some older folks.
I then began to sell "Chewy Style with nuts." Doing good so far. Hershey's got the idea and came out with a candy bar.
---Elder on 10/9/08

Did you hear abut the Irish Water skiing Team that was looking for a lake on a hill? Bad joke, but this happened to me. Wat at Port Merrion, Wales, and saw a lake on a slope, sloping down. Wasn't real, just an optical illusion. Turned to my brother and said, "Quick get the Irish Water Skiiing Team." We both had hysterics, when turning the corner, there was a car with a sticker in the back saying, "Irish Water Skiing Team."
---mike5663 on 10/4/07

Wouldn't it be nice if:
Wal-mart had valet parking?
If dust bunnies made good pets?
If some assembly required wasn't
---Virginia on 11/11/06

I do agree with you we do need to cheer up when we are down especially during griefing moments.we all know that Christ loves us so we should cheer up Christs poeple when they need to be aided
---linda on 3/13/06

If your Chinese, don't go to page one. Go the other way.
---Phil on 6/9/05

We have moved to page 1, join us, first column!
---NV_Barbara on 6/9/05

It is like the Preacher who was counseling the Drunk to help him see the error of his ways.

He took a glass of alcohol and dropped a worm in it to show the affects on the human body. The worm wiggled in pain and shriveled up and died.

When the Preacher asked the drunk if he knew what that illustration was telling? The drunk said, "Yea, if you drink enough you will never have worms."
---Elder on 6/6/05

IF MEN HAD IT THERE WAY Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. please say whatever you have to say during commercials. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
---LORIE4334 on 6/5/05

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
RUN LIKE CRAZY!!!!!!!....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
---lorie4334 on 6/5/05

hahahaha i was amazed that he even did are a sweetheart elder
---lorie4334 on 6/5/05

Whether you already knew or not Lorie, I'm laughing that Elder had to explain!
---NVBarbara on 6/5/05

I'm so proud of you Elder! Wonder how you have such quizzacal information hmm??

I've heard, 'don't use alcohol as a crutch' How could you? A crutch is something that helps you walk, alcohol is like the step you didn't see!
---NVBarbara on 6/5/05

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LORIE4334 The split ring seat is formed to look like a U and not the standard O.

The O would hit the drunk on the back of the head as he knelt down and puked after a drunken Saturday Night so he just cut it to make a U. That way when it fell it missed his head.

(Of all of em' I have to explain, why this one??? LOL) Wonder is nvBarbara is proud of me now?
---Elder on 6/5/05

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"

Officer says "yes".

Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
---LORIE4334 on 6/4/05

What is a slit ring towlet?????????????
hahahahahahahahah. and why was it hiting his shoulders.......sorry could not help myself SMILE
---LORIE4334 on 6/4/05

Did you know it was a Drunk that invented the Split Ring Toilet seat.

Yea, he got tired of that thing hitting him on the back of his head on Saturday Night.

Now it just falls around his shoulders.
---Elder on 6/4/05

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As the Attendant was showing the school children around the Aquarium before going to the next exibit he asked, "Have any of you children ever seen a Man Eating Shark?"

Little elder standing a few feet away said "No, but I saw the Teacher sneak away and eat a Hamburger."

(Wow! Just when you thought they couldn't get any worse.) Please don't make me explain them.
---Elder on 6/4/05

The blonde decides she's going to try ice fishing,so she takes her gear to the ice, cuts a hole and starts fishing. Suddenly she hears a voice "You can't fish here". Thinking it's God, she moves over a few feet,cuts another hole and starts fishing. She hears the voice again, so moves over and cuts another hole. The voice comes again "You can't fish here". "Why not?" she answers back. "Because this is the hockey arena," the voice over the loudspeaker says.
---Ann5758 on 6/4/05

part 3 short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
rt 3
---lorie4334 on 6/3/05

part 2
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
---lorie4334 on 6/3/05

Send a Free Holiday Ecard

part 1 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do."Well, you can paint my PORCH. How much will you charge?"
---lorie4334 on 6/3/05

continued bear joke!
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."!!!!!
---lorie4334 on 6/3/05

A preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to bear hunt. As he rounded the corner, he and a bear collided,sending him and his rifle down a hill. his rifle went one way and he went the other,hurting both his legs. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed,"I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
---lorie4334 on 6/3/05

A young ventriloquist stops to entertain at a bar. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your blonde jokes, buddy. your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against blondes, all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister. I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee."
---lorie4334 on 6/3/05

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An actual warning found on a box of household nails: Do not swallow nails, they could cause discomfort. :)
---bethie on 6/3/05

Oh Elder that was bad, and yet I am still laughing..
---bethie on 6/3/05

I was hiding because I was scared.

I just found out how Snow White lost her first Beauty Pageant.

It was required that she have 7 Dwarfs as her attendants for the Pageant. On the last day two of them called in sick.

She was disqualified because her Dwarfs were two short.
---Elder on 6/3/05

NVBarbara we are sooooo glad you are back. We held down the fort as long as we could especially the 1st week but here toward the end it got a little bleak. Even Elder left us what up with that?? Any way hey would you see fit to visit the single parents blog? We could use a little cheering up. Got any parenting jokes? Love Kathy3339
---kathy3339 on 6/1/05

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An Officer pulls over a young blonde driver.
He asks why she was going so slowly. She explained that she saw a sign that said '22' on it and thought that was the speed limit. No the cop says,that's the highway #,the speed limit is 65. He noticed the other people in the car looked shaken and nervous. What's wrong with them he asked,"Oh we just got off highway 119."
(I'm baaaack!)
---NV_Barbara on 6/1/05

The Druggist Part 4

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
---Jeffrey on 6/1/05

The Druggist Part 3

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.
---Jeffrey on 6/1/05

The Druggist Part 2

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
---Jeffrey on 6/1/05

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The Druggist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
---Jeffrey on 6/1/05

A woman was suffering from hayfever. She was going to a fancy party that night and figured she would need at least two hankerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra. Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. Everyone was looking at her."What on earth are you doing?" someone asked, she replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived".
---kathy3339 on 6/1/05

Q: Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

A: Because she smells like a new truck !
---kathy3339 on 6/1/05

One day in sunday school, some men were passing the offering plate, a little boy told his daddy, "Daddy you don't have to pay for me I get in free".
---Rebecca_D on 6/1/05

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2 blondes are struggling with coat hangers because they've locked themselves out of their car. They are getting so upset because they really don't know how to unlock a door with a hanger. "Oh great, NOW what will we do?" says one, "we can't get the locks to open and its beginning to rain and the top is down!"
---Kathay on 5/30/05

there was an elder gentalman sitting in the park. up came walking to the bench was a young man with spiked hair and it was red , blue, green , orange. the man sit down and noticed the old man staring at him. he said old tymer havent you ever done anything wild, the oldtimer looked at him and said in a calm voice, i got drunk and crossed a peacock once and i was just wondering if you were my son
---lorie4334 on 5/27/05

My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them, life is hard!
---Steve on 5/27/05

5. There's a pool on what color underwear you have on this Sunday. 4. When you come into the church, the ushers issue you protective pads and a helmet so you won't hurt yourself again this Sunday. 3. You come to church with pom poms.
2. Forgetting where you are, you start shouting at your son's graduation. 1. There's an announcement that states, "If Sister Thornton knocks off Sister Odell's hat this Sunday, it's on!!"
---mike3966willow on 5/27/05

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10. When the spirit hits you, you pass out on the floor and nobody helps you get up. 9. They change the church service times and tell everybody but you. 8. Your pastor goes around town looking for a new church for you. 7. You shout during the Announcements. 6. The ushers warn people who sit next to you.
---mike3966willow on 5/27/05

Why all the fuss?
Since the Mel Gibson movie "The Passion of The Christ" you have heard anti-semitism this and anti-semitism that. So will you please tell me WHY??? all the fuss about over who killed Jesus?
He's not dead!
---mike3966willow on 5/27/05

i went to kmart once and ask one of the attendants if she could show me where the toy section was, she replied i dont have any idea, very rude. i replied well why are you working here if you do not know where anything is, she said i do not work here. i said in a rude tone , well you have on the uniform, or did you get it from a garage sale, she replied this is a walmart uniform and i bought it at your garage sale, turned and walked off.
---lorie4334 on 5/27/05

C'mon bloggers!! Keep this going, it brightens my day!
---Kathay on 5/26/05

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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothes I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When we were young we used to go 'skinning dipping.' now I just go "chunky dunk!."
---Kathay on 5/25/05

Thankfully Elder, God gives us a new "hard drive" everytime we go to HIM and confess our transgressions, and NO Spam!
---Kathay on 5/25/05

No Kathay because our mess ups would still be on our Hard Drive. They would still pop up from time to time. We would need a brand new Hard Drive (Nature).
---Elder on 5/24/05

Wouldn't it be nice if when we mess up in our life we could just simply press
"Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over again! AMEN!
---Kathay on 5/24/05

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quotes from Bob Hope: ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
---kathy3339 on 5/23/05

For a woman, I know a lot about cars....

For instance, I can just look at a car's headlights and tell you EXACTLY which way it's coming! Cool huh?
---Kathay on 5/23/05

You might be saved if... You no longer have your kid's christening party at Hooters.

You might be saved if... Your next kid in line to be christened is old enough to talk.(he he, inside catholic joke)
---Bill on 5/23/05

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict.She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but even further back and are happy with the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"
"Land mines," said the woman.
---kathy3339 on 5/23/05

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Yeah, Elder, buck up old boy, like Arnold, "She'll be back!"
---Peter on 5/22/05

Another bumper sticker:
"I love cats.......they taste like chicken!"
---Kathay on 5/22/05

She'll be back Elder, get a grip! We can still have fun!

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said,
"No, but I want a regular banana for later, so yeah."
---Kathay on 5/22/05

Bumper Sticker: Save the whales, collect the whole set.
---John on 5/22/05

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I saw a bumper sticker I thought was great.

" As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

---Tiffany on 5/22/05

Humm, I also wonder..... if everything has an end then how high is up?

And, when we get to the end of Up, what's on the other side?

How far does the other side go? And, what's on the other side of it...... and then..........

Whew.. everything is falling apart without nvBarbara keeping us sane.
---Elder on 5/21/05

Exposure to the SON will prevent burning!
---Kathay on 5/21/05

I don't find it hard to meet expences. They're everywhere.
---Judy on 5/21/05

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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
---John on 5/21/05

God bless you too, Elder!
---John on 5/20/05

Thanks Big "E", I'll miss my Forum family A LOT! I've gotton so used to making my first cup of coffee, and waking up reading 'blogs'. We'll leave around 4 or 5PM today, a short flight, please pray for traveling mercies for us. We go here 2 weeks every year, but this year we REALLY need the relaxation! I love all of you, see u soon!
God still hears my prayers no matter where I am, and my 'family' here is always in my prayers. God bless.
---NVBarbara on 5/19/05

Sniff, sniff I miss my little nvBarbara already.

Let's pray that she and her husband, a great guy, will be safe and have a refreshing time.

God bless each of you members of the "Forum Family."
---Elder on 5/19/05

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nv stop pretending. You ain't gonna have no vacation away from us. You shall be most miserable. You will be glad to get back.

(PS. If ya can't buy all of us a gift just send us cash.)
---Elder on 5/18/05

Thanks Ann!
As for YOU gonna have to 'can your own coons'. We'll be busy resting and getting away from the world in general! And stay away from that 'liquid corn!'
Why do they call it 'corn on the cob?' That's how it grows-on the cob!They should just call that 'corn.' Every other version they should call it 'corn off the cobb.' Its not like if you cut your arm off you would call it 'Elder.'Then reattach it and call u Elder-all-together..
Further, why do I wonder about such things?
---NVBarbara on 5/18/05

Barbara when ya git done canning 'em send me some.

We'ns used to eat "canned coons" up'n the W.Va Mountains. Canned by a little ol' granma who had 16 grandchillins. She would'a had more but she was just 33.

Canned Coons is goood..... but ya are gonna need some Listerine when your done. Ya want plain or chunky?

Ya know that it takes three hillbillies to eat a coon on Saturday morning. Cause two of 'em gotta be watching for traffic.
---Elder on 5/17/05

Cancun..?? Isn't that a french dance where the ladies show all their "assets"? Seriously..have a great time. God bless.
---Ann5758 on 5/17/05

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Yuk Yuk Elder! Just remember that light travels faster than sound. THIS is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.PLAN your sermons carefully!

Just because your WV bumper sticker says "Pardon my driving, I'm reloading", you don't scare me!

BTW*We're leaving Thurs. afternoon or Fri. AM for 2 weeks in Cancun. I wanna see some funny stuff here when I come back!! I'll miss all of you!
---NVBarbara on 5/17/05

How many phychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
---John on 5/17/05

nvBarbara applied for a job. They asked for her education level. She told them how smart she is.

When they asked for proof she told them, "I am so smart I can name the Capital of any State in the USA."

One of the interviewers trying to trap her said, "OK, tell us the Capital of Wisconsin."

Barbara, being as smart as we all know she is said, "W."

(Jokey, jokey, pokey, pokey fun, fun, with my friend Barbara. Sorry we missed your call.)
---Elder on 5/17/05

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