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My Husband Is Out Drinking

My "Christian" husband of nine years is selfish. He's out late at least 2x a week drinking. He admits to other women picking up on him. We cycle through his living in the flesh, my hurt and his saying sorry. I'm tired of raising our daughter like this. I want to separate. Advice?

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 ---April on 6/6/05
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Asian and Bug: I have somewhat of a similar, or perhaps different problem.

My wife, after I lost my job in the town where we were living together, insisted I get a job in 'the first town I could find one', which was 3000km away, but now hardly ever picks up the phone (max once a week, for maybe 5 minutes), and rarely replies to emails, and I feel she is abandoning me.

She is kind enough when I return, but when I am away, it is as though I did not exist

It is very discouraging
---Peter9556 on 5/12/13

even though my problem isn't solve yet, but IMO to you and Bug's case: temporary separated its not a bad idea, so you and your spouse have your own time to think deeply. Because some people didn't realize what they have until they loose it.
---asian on 5/5/13

I'm with my wife, but I avoid her. Better to sit on the corner of a roof. I cannot change my wife so do not attempt. My only enjoyment is our children or I'd be a thousand miles from her. Of yourself, you can ask your husband to come for a walk with you and to come for a bike ride with you. You can kiss him and say you wish to renew. Invite him in activities more meaningful to him than what he is doing. Healthy bonding activities. My wife is a tyrant. Good words do not come from her mouth. She only speak evil. We are as opposite as night and day. She insults me daily.
---bug on 4/19/13

I can understand how you feel. My situation almost the same with you. But I'm Christian and my husband doesn't believe in God. We've been married for 9 years. He drank until drunk every week, but he didn't want to separate. And he said he is not alcoholic. He said sorry everytime I asked for divorce, but he did it again.
I'm hopeless and don't know what to do.. Any help ?
---Asian on 4/19/13

Proverbs 18:17 [He that is] first in his own cause [seemeth] just, but his neighbour cometh and searcheth him.
---francis on 2/23/13

I can see it the thead there are a lot of broken hearts. I wish there was some way I could wave a wand and help you. I can only pray you, however if your husbands don't want help then you are in a bad situation. There is places you can go Celebrate Recovery they are all around the country. They are a Christian based recovery group.
---Mike on 2/23/13

Provide him more meaningful activity. Replace the drinking and late night outings. Family physical fitness events, activities and outings

Gee, if only alcoholism were so simple!! Have the non-alcoholic behave differently and do different things and poof you instantly cured someone of their dependence on booze!! Oh and the poster aaron forgot to add: "wave your magic wand over your husband three times while saying a chant and sprinkling pixie dust on him too"

9 years requires professional help for your husband to overcome his dependence. Interesting when supposed "Christians" place blame square on to non-alcoholic as if non-alcoholics are responsible for the alcoholics actions.
---Follower_of_Christ on 2/23/13

Your husband and his 9 years of drinking is

- abusing you through being with other women
- not honoring you
- not honoring his children
- most importantly not honoring his vows in marriage.

Eventually your non-Christian husband will ruin your self-esteem and self-worth if he hasn't already.

Nowhere in Holy Scripture does Lord ask you to stay in an abusive marriage in the name of Him and faith, only religionists insist on this because they have no spiritual understanding of marriage.

Separate from your husband immediately take responsibility for your children!!!! Seek counseling and demand your husband clean-up his drinking and womanizing. Forgiving your husband does not mean remaining in abuse.
---Follower_of_Christ on 2/23/13

It is sad to say this, for I know it is painful, but if the both of you are Christian, you should not leave him.

If you are, and you feel you are being treated badly, there is Christs sermon as to what to do in Mat 18:15, what to do if a brother acts badly against you.

If he is not a Christian again I do not see any grounds for you to leave him......

I know that the Christian action of forgiving is painful for us, but it was given to us for a reason - the reason being that we have been forgiven so much
---Jennifer on 2/12/13

april, he is going to have to help himself. you can't change him even if you wear sexy pj's and pay "lots" of attention to him. my husband use to do the same thing and I found out he was with women. God is the only one who can help him. He has gotten caught up with things and he probably really don't know how to change.
---shira4368 on 2/12/13

Give him a good reason to stay home.
---Rod4Him on 2/12/13

April: Have you discussed this problem with the Lord, asking Him exactly what you should do in your situation? God talks to His children, God has a solution to all issues.
---Adetunji on 2/12/13

Provide him more meaningful activity. Replace the drinking and late night outings. Family physical fitness events, activities and outings. Other than that,

1 Peter 3:1-5

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in Gods sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands.
---aaron on 2/10/13

\\it's only when we live in one roof that we see the flaws of these insensitive hubbies...\\ And wives, of course, are invariably TOTALLY flawless and are never insensitive. Has anyone but I noticed how many women here dump on their husbands in these blogs--but VERY few men complain about their wives? Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 2/9/13

Go ahead! And he is not a Christian, not a true one, my friend.
---pat on 2/9/13

i can relate to the's only when we live in one roof that we see the flaws of these insensitive hubbies...very loving and caring at the start but when you get married, your expectations are gone...i salute to wives who can live a life like this and also to those who left the house after at least a five years chance given to the guys...i just say we don't deserve this...but we only have 2 ways to choose- take it or leave it....
---jammilah on 2/9/13

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my husband is in to pills and drinking 24/7 he works but thst is not the problem he is angry all the time he is mad at everyone he is out all night passing out in his truck all night in the yard and he is not sleeping at night he is got a big problem but I got a big problem to I am a xhristian women and dont drink I dont make a kot of money have my own house dont no what to do pray for me I pray for my husband all the time ge has loss a lot of weiggt all so it is killing me to see this
---katrinka on 4/7/12

My Husband also goes out 2 or 3 times a week until 2 am drinking at the bars. I have to get our 2 year old son up out of the bed and go pick him up because he has sent the cab I called for him away....I don't know what to do either. I know this is a toxic environment to raise my son in and I don't want to do it any more. I am a Christian and don't believe in divorce but should I continue to let this hurt my son??? he will not get help and is at the point of losing his job. I have prayed to God and I feel alone. Both me and my husband were raised in church and have good Christian parents we are in church every time the doors are open. I don't know why he does this.
---Jessie on 2/22/10

Jesus prohibited divorce except for adultery, that included lying about ones virginity. The non adulterer could remarry. The adulterer was not free to marry, and anyone marrying one is entering a prohibited marriage. A divorce without cause, was no divorce, and so, another marriage was a type of bigamy. The exception is in 1Corinthians 7:15. If the unbeliever departs, the Christian can remarry because the marriage was not 'in the Lord'. Both Matthew 19:9 and 1Corinthians 7:27-28 allow remarriage. God calls us to live in peace.
Deuteronomy 22:17-19, 28-29, 24:1-4, Proverbs 2:17 (forsaketh husband), Isaiah 54:4-8, Jeremiah 3:1, Malachi 2:14-16, Matthew 5:31-32, 19:3-12, Mark 10:2-12, Luke 16:18, 1Corinthians 6:15-16, 7:10-17, 27.
---Glenn on 8/16/09

You didn't say whether or not you are a true Christian. Assuming you are not, I would have to say that you should leave. If you are a true Christian first of all ask God what to do. And then if you are serious in your relationship with Him, He will give you a way out. God wants peace for all His people. And He knows your service to Him depends on peace in His house. Which means peace within you. Have a good week.... I love you Jesus.
---catherine on 4/19/09

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I sympathize with you so very much. My first husband stayed out all the time, it is hard to build trust when your fairly sure some sort of "flirting" is going on in the bar rooms. All I can say is Hold your head up high. Pray that he will see how wonderful you are and how much he needs you in his life. Also, pray that if he doesn't see that, that you may have the strenth to move on, with Gods help. God puts all the right tools in front of you, you have to remove the blinders and take hold of them.
---MARY on 4/19/09

For some people the right thing to do would be to separate. For others the right thing to do would be to stay. I don't think there is any set rules or text book answers for your situation. Follow your heart. Do what you think God is telling you. Go where God is guiding you. But don't get trapped with bitterness. Believe it or not God can work out bad situations for good. That kind of theology makes no sense. That's why God is amazing. God is still in control even though people around us make foolish choices. Your life is still in his hands so smile because you have a bright future.
---Anne on 4/3/09

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have a 11 year old daughter. He stays at the bar about twice a week until around 2:00 a.m. I have had to get our daughter out of bed and go pick him up before. How do I know if he is cheating (He says he's not) but why would he want to stay gone like that.
---casey on 1/18/08

I would ask first, if he and you were Christians when you met & married? If so, did you spend a good bit of time in prayer and fasting, seeking the mind of the Lord on this, to make sure you were marrying the right man? I would seek God now... to see what he would say to you concerning this. He does have a will in the matter, and will show you what it is, if you seek him.
---Gayla on 11/24/07

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God hates divorce. He doesn't say you cant get one. He hates divorce because of the effects it causes. It cause's seperation(A Tearing apart) of two lives woven together by God.Within this tearing,the children are torn also.Infidelity is you only reason to be biblical released from your marriage.But keep in mind that even God forgives those who truly repent.If this is so, forgivness is a must if you choose to stay together or not. God can reconcile your marriage, but both parties must commit 100% to it.
---George on 11/23/07

Are you sure your Husband is Saved?
There's a Good Book called"Boundaries in the Marriage.
You need to confront his sinful ways when its affecting the family.
Also, Pray that God would give you a spiritual insight on his continual drinking. The Devil loves to stir up Strife, Fighting, Self Pity, and destruction.
It seems your Husband has a Big Ego that needs the Lords Healing..
---lisa on 10/25/07

Hi I to am going through the same thing my husband is also drinking a lot to much. It is very hard to understand why but your not alone I pray every night for him and we all can pray for you too.
---Barba6659 on 10/22/07

So much advice, you are probably overwhelmed. I did a search on yahoo, about the problem I have with my husband(staying out late drinking)and you popped up. It is good to know that you are not the only one dealing with this situation. I know I can't make him stop and giving him ultimatums only leads to power struggles. I also know as a Christian woman the bible says an unbelieving husband is santified thorugh his wife...
---Keisha on 10/7/07

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(1Cor 7:14) and that if a wife has unbelieving husband be in submission to win over by behavior (1 Pe 3:1). SIGH. This is easier said than done (living for Chirst) For example, I made sure my husband saw me put on my cleanest, tightest outfit to make him jealous and I dissappered (to a computer lab)LOL Stupid huh?? It is not easy to let your self be wronged and fight evil with good. I don't know how God does it.
---Keisha on 10/7/07

I guess it's because He is Love huh. Now, if the man is abusive (mentality or physically)to you and the children God is not saying to stay. I think only Jesus can suffer that much for someone's sins:)...JOKING. It is good to get it out and talk to others who are going through the same thing. I think I will do that and you should to. Regardless of him getting it together or not, you staying or not
---Keisha on 10/7/07

(I stand my ground on God's Word about divorce) you need some healing. Bitterness has a way of building. Also, I need to watch my word. Yes, I am a Christain and I fall several words can be very cruel. Thank God for his mercies. I think I have been gone long enough (30 mins lol) I think I got enough strength to love some more. I will pray for you.
---Keisha on 10/7/07

Okey, This is what brings on a bad reputation on God. This man, is no man of God.
---catherine on 9/15/07

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He's bound an needs help abstaining an going through withdrawal . a diary of what he drinks an his feelings. a boundary line not to go drink at any bar. step up his support,fellowship, he may be geneticaly disposed. See a docter. If he comes home drunk tell him you wont stay home , go to your family's. Then start over. When he stays home thank him, lessen his drink dependence, by allowing 2 beers a day. share a short quiet time every day for 8 minutes, eye contact,know you are in this together. Pray.
---bri on 9/14/07

Have you seen a Christian marriage counselor?You must insist on this. Satan is ruling your husband's heart.Your husband must accept Christ into his heart or satan will win. I was your husbands many years ago.I let satan win.The damage to my children is beyond anything I could have ever understood.You hate raising your daughter this way.If you separate your daughter will lose her father more. She will feel different.She will be angry, confused, sad, and resent both of you. She will be the biggest loser.
---Ken on 9/7/07

I recommend Jesus. Jesus is the One Who sets the captives free. Pray for him that he will turn to the Lord.
---Helen_5378 on 4/6/07

You do know that the effectual, fervent prayers of a righteous man availeth much? So how long do you pray for him?

There is nothing you can do to change him but there are plenty of ways you can change yourself. Go overboardlove. It will feel like chewing sandpaper at first, but the more you do it the easier it will be and he will notice. Love conquers all and love never fails. It works! Just pray first, then do!Cast it all of your cares on the Lord because He cares for you. You can do this!
---lenora on 4/5/07

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Go out with him or get rid of him
---Nadia on 4/5/07

I recommend Al-Anon. There you will learn from other spouses and loved ones of people who drink too much, how to cope and live a normal life.
---Madison on 3/24/07

I'm sorry things haven't gotten better, I'm glad that you have chosen to get your child out of the situation, I truely hope this will be a wake up call for him. I'll keep praying for you & family!!!
---laure5469 on 6/13/05

I'm sorry things haven't gotten better, I'm glad that you have chosen to get your child out of the situation, I truely hope this will be a wake up call for him.
---laure5469 on 6/13/05

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*UPDATE* Thanks for all your words of wisdom. He was out again till 3am- and can't see that drinking inorder to get a buzz is wrong (Even with counseling). I appreciate any more wisdom- I think I must separate myself and child. I Cor. 5:11
---April on 6/12/05

It happens Madison? They must not be very serious about Christ.
---Rebecca_D on 6/7/05

--Part Two--

Yes, God does hate divorce. But, if there is abuse, neglect, abandonment, or adultry, God does allow for it. However, you should first either have the two of you sit down with a pastor or Christian counselor so that, together, and talk about what is going on. Hopefully, he will realize that his lifestyle and choices are wrong. If not, then talk with your pastor and/or a Christian couselor about what to do next.

---Ray on 6/7/05

Concerning what some others have said:

One can be a Christian and still drink. But, being intoxicated is a sin. If someone is repeatedly going out to get drunk, though his or her soul is saved, he or she is destroying their lives, the lives of those around them and not provided a good witness for themselves. They need help with that spiritual and physical addiction to their body.

--End Part One--
---Ray on 6/7/05

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, there's another way to see this. ask him if there is anything you can do to help him. people who inject novocain are usually trying to stop terrible pain of some kind. the same is true of alcohol.
---steve on 6/7/05

I'm not saying divorce - but I'd definitely separate. God does not want you in an unsafe situation which this is - if he is sleeping around, he could give you AIDS or some other disease. Separate and tell him if he doesn't stop he can't come home. Your husband must face his sin head on.
---Darcy on 6/7/05

Honey..I lived thru something similar..and you are in a cycle of abuse.He is not'loving you as Christ loves the church'.For you and your child's sake..separate (with Love).See if he will heed the "wakeup call"..that you will not continue to be treated disrespectfully.Make sure YOU don't sin.Stay close to Jesus,pure.Don't make the same mistake as your husband.God will work it out for you.
---lovable_linda on 6/7/05

Please write me. Laure5469 I will try to help if I can. hopefully your spouse hasn't gotten as bad as mine was. praying for you. 7 years later still paying divorce lawyer, and wishing I had a father for my kids. get good councel!!!
---Laureen on 6/7/05

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I am now raising my girls alone. as Ex has nothing to do with them. in our case, bar scene was adictive, started few nights a week. then after time every night. people in bars sometimes seem to be less judgmental then "Christians" to some people. I beleive my ex is now an alcoholic. I don't understand His life style. but keep him in my prayer. I don't wish divorce on any one, but know where you are coming from.
---Laureen on 6/7/05

I can only give you my story. I was married 15 years, Husband was out drinking till bar closed. He was being picked up by women and sleeping with them. now living with one of them they are not married.{aren't going to} they have children together. I don't know that drinking is wrong, but doubt he goes to witness at them.{If not for God...} I know many marriages broken from bar scene
---Laureen on 6/7/05

Here we go again. Rebecca, a person can be a Christian and go out and drink. It happens. I know plenty who have. Born again, saved by the blood Christians who drank too much.
---Madison on 6/7/05

How is your husband Christian? The scripture commands us to be sober and of a sound mind, that doesn't sound like your husband. Lay the law down to him, put your foot down and tell him to his face, this is very serious, your late night drinking and misconduct is sin, and it will not be tolerated. Stop it now, confess it as sin, and you forsake it forever right now, this minute. And you can volunteer to pray together with him for his deliverance, and healing of your relationship.
---Eloy on 6/7/05

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I know what you are going through but i will not advice you to seek for a divorce because God is not in support of it.I will advice you to pray for your husband Because Satan is ruling his heart.There is danger in divorce Because if one divorces, one cannot marry again until one partner is dead. As long as the two partner is alive the covenant of marriage still stand. There is nothing God cannot do. Seek the face of God concerning your situation.
---mary on 6/7/05

Seek professional advice. There is something in your relationship that needs a tune up.

While he is wrong in going out to drink, there may be a "reason" why. Check it out and see if there are chances of making some changes in your attitude towards him.
---Albert on 6/7/05

First of all he can't be a "christian" and still go out and drink. He needs to find an alter quick, fall down on his knees and ask forgiveness. But this won't happen until he realizes what he is doing and God deals with his heart. I would seek God, he is the only real help your family needs. Why go to a counsler who knows nothing on your situation and spend alot of money when you can go to the best counsler there is and it is free?
---Rebecca_D on 6/6/05

I agree that seeking your pastor's counsel is extremely important. I also think that attending an Al-Anon meeting would be helpful. Sometimes you have to show tough love and do something like make him choose between his drinking and living with you. Especially pray for him. Make sure your daughter is getting support, too.
---Ray on 6/6/05

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The best thing to do is seek your pastor's advice. But as I understand messages I've heard concerning divorce, this would fall under the categories of abandonment and adultry. God wouldn't expect you to stay in a marriage like that; it's not a Christian marriage (at least on your husband's part).
---heath936 on 6/6/05

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