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This Is The New Humor Blog

Webmaster, may we start a new humor blog here? Just a few more questions and it will move to page 2 and no one will see it! Everyone must like it,we have more than 300 entries!

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 ---NVBarbara on 6/7/05
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let's see, Elder...could it be 9 Corn pads, 8 Hot water bottles, and 4 Oxygen masks?
---Ann5758 on 5/20/08

nvBarbara because if we spelled abbreviation SHORTER it would mean "Not as Long."

Like if a horse rider left California on Wednesday how could he arrive in Washington D.C. on the same Wednesday?
---Elder on 8/26/07

*NEW HUMOR BLOG* Close to the top of the new blogs--see u there!
---NVBarbara on 6/28/05

QUESTION HERE....Why is it that on my 5 year old little BOY'S Ear Infection Medication the Warning says "Do not take if you are pregnant". I'm sorry, but if that was a problem, I don't think I'd be worried about his ears!!!
---Misty on 6/27/05

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
---Misty on 6/27/05

To be honest, I can't even understand what I type! But its cool to type 100 words a minutes!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
---NVBarbara on 6/26/05

Oh, you type in tongues, do you, Barb? or does it just look like it, and only you can understand what you've just typed.....?
---Ann5758 on 6/26/05

Its difficult to type in these little boxes. I type 100 words a minute. But its in my own language.
---NVBarbara on 6/26/05

Where's the Calamine, the thought of the fleas is making me itch!

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it never said "I'm it died.
---NVBarbara on 6/26/05

I went to the dr, and he told me the best thing for what ails me was to drink 6 glasses of water after a hot bath. Well, after drinking the bath, I just didn't feel like the 6 glasses of water.........
---ann5758 on 6/25/05

It worries me...why do the drive thru ATMs also have the numbers in braille?

Elevators I can understand, but DRIVE THRUS????
---NVBarbara on 6/25/05

I tried that flee circus once .. you might say we started from scratch!
---1st_cliff on 6/24/05

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed, so I just went to Wal-Mart.

I haven't slept for 10 days, that would be just too long!
---NVBarbara on 6/24/05

Heard about.....
The guy who got a speeding ticket & is having a fine time?
The lady who was at death's door & the doctor was trying to pull her through?
The doctor who diagnosed a kid with measles, and made a rash decision?
The guy who fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
The guy who jumped over a parking meter and violated himself?
....of such is life...*sigh*
---ann5758 on 6/24/05

You know, we're all certifiable! Hope we end up in the same looney bin! We could at least entertain each other! LOVE YOU ALL!

Open a Flea Circus big E, I wanna see you teach them tricks!
---NVBarbara on 6/24/05

Barbara I am thinking about starting a flea market. How many do you want to buy?

Do not put pin holes in the world map. Water from the other side may leak on your floor. You know that if the world is not really flat we are hanging upside down.

We built a house with a basement so deep it didn't have a floor.

When we got married before I could say, "I do" Jeraldleen said, "He will" so I have.
---Elder on 6/24/05

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nvBarbara thinks old age is great. Of Course she invented it.

When I got Alzheimer's I was worried but then I forgot I had it and I am OK now.
---Elder on 6/24/05

NVB; I dont have a point, except on the top of my head! Keeps my hat from lowing off
---1st_cliff on 6/24/05

I LOVE to travel! I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'll put pins into all the locations I've traveled to.
But first I gonna have to travel to the 2 top corners of the map so it won't fall off the wall!
---NVBarbara on 6/24/05

Bless her Elder, she can't tell the difference between you and the dog! Smell the same? Do you have fleas? Bet the dog has more hair!
---NVBarbara on 6/24/05

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Ann5758 Yea! But there was no problem when she thought it was the dog moving on the bed.
---Elder on 6/24/05

Hey Ann, I don't think that was the complete story. I think she said that to Elder, but he didn't have his hearing aid in so he didn't hear her! She had to punch him and point!
---NVBarbara on 6/24/05

Hey, Elder, I hear one night after you went to bed, your wife said,"You never nibble on my ear like you used to." A second later she felt you reaching over her, and asked what you were doing. Then you told her "I'm trying to get my teeth."
---Ann5758 on 6/23/05

When I was in a Biology class the instructor told us that a lot of plant and vegitation are either male or female. He called on me to give an example of this. I couldn't help it but I just had to say..." Well you have raisins which are male and the female ones are Raisinettes"
---John on 6/23/05

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Yes, and what's your point Cliff?
Have you been eating a lot of nuts? We are what we eat you know! (stolen boldly from Elder!)
---NVBarbara on 6/23/05

HAHAHAHA i crack myself up
---lorie4334 on 6/23/05

Did you hear about the ELDER man who went to the ELDER bar . He ordered an ELDER drink then fell off the high 1ST CLIFF
---lorie4334 on 6/23/05

i was barking!!!!!!!!
---lorie4334 on 6/23/05

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NVB: Is that right that you were staring at the orange juice carton this morning, because it said "consentrate"?
---1st_cliff on 6/23/05

Good one Bethie! That is the first MALE blonde joke I've ever heard!
---Misty on 6/23/05

Why did the blond race car driver keep pulling into the pitstop? He had to ask for directions.
---bethie on 6/23/05

I really like this blog you guys! It is refreshing to see that there is good Christian Humor out there! Keep up the good work!!
---Misty on 6/23/05

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Service was just beginning to start when two masked men with guns barged into the church and yelled "Unless you're willing to die for Christ TODAY I suggest you leave right NOW!" Over half of the congregation left screaming and yelling -- including 2 of the Deacons! When all those that left were completely out of the building the men put their guns down, took off their masks and one of them said "Ok preacher, we got rid of the hypocrites. You can continue with your service now."
---Misty on 6/23/05

The blonde was at a show where there was a ventriliquist, he was telling dumb blonde jokes. She finally stood up and complained that blondes were no dumber that brunettes or redheads, to please stop his bashing! When the man started to apologize, she said NO, I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!
---NVBarbara on 6/23/05

Now now Elder dont be tuff on Lorie!
---1st_cliff on 6/23/05

Harry was visiting Tom in his new condo. Tom showed Harry a large brass disc that was hanging on the wall. "Look at my talking clock" said Tom. Harry: "How does it work?" Tom: "Listen now!" Tom took a hammer and banged the disc, producing a terrible sound. Immediately there was a voice, coming from the other side of the wall: "Are you nuts, It's midnight!"
---lorie4334 on 6/22/05

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Lorie, now Barbara got you doing it. I would think the word would be rough but you said Ruff.

What has Barbara been telling you? Ruff..........? I just wonder.
---Elder on 6/22/05

That's O K I dont have a serious bone in my body, except once when i stubbed my toe, but then I called AAA and they sent the "tow truck"
---1st_cliff on 6/22/05

Is there something you'd like prayer for Cliffy? How do YOU know what it takes to get used to walking in high heels hmmm?

We love you guys, how else could we tease each other as we do!
Take your shoes off at the door!
Put the seat DOWN!
---NVBarbara on 6/22/05

oh cliff its not that bad we could not live without you who would we agrivate. besides would we be saying this to mens faces? heck no? we are only brave when we can type it in.....haha elder dont be to ruff on me i am still learning , any more tips Barbra
---lorie4334 on 6/22/05

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The blonde was told she had Barbie doll hair and thought she could take it, melt it down and make Barbie dolls with it.
---Elder on 6/22/05

This is true and happened in our Church.

The head Deacon was teaching a Bible class and got to talking about his country farmer dad naming him John.

He went on to say that he didn't know why his dad named him John. A voice in the back of the room said, "Maybe because he didn't want to call you Barn."
---Elder on 6/22/05

That's OK Barbara,we men know what girls think of us a lava lamp..nice to look at but not too bright! Like high heels..easy to walk on,once you get the hang of it! or government bonds..take a long time to mature! like a bike helmet,good in an emergecy,but otherwise look silly!
---1st_cliff on 6/22/05

haha i love it, it gives them something to talk about. and they dont come close to the woman jokes haha. i have a good viagra joke that is clean but i know they will not let me put
---lorie4334 on 6/21/05

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How did you know I do that Cliff? Did Elder tell you?
No I put Gemini, even though I don't believe in such stuff.

You know some people say "I don't care if people are black,white,purple or green". Hold it a minute..purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. No, no purple people! Unless they're suffocating..then HELP them!
If you could understand Morse Code, wouldn't a tap dancer drive you crazy?
---NVBarbara on 6/21/05

NVB; Do you put make-up on your forehead when you're trying to make up your mind? (a little woman bashing just to equal it out) At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here" do you put Saggitarius?
---1st_cliff on 6/20/05

Careful Lorie, you'll get tagged as a 'man basher' too! I am now on the list!
I liked your story though!
---NV_Barbara on 6/20/05

part3 "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
---lorie4334 on 6/19/05

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part2The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison,
---lorie4334 on 6/19/05

part 1Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
---lorie4334 on 6/19/05

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER: 1. Sag, you're it. 2. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
3.Kick the bucket 4.Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over 5.Musical Recliners
6.Simon says..something incoherant 7.Pin the Toupee on the bald guy...Fun at the Nursing Home!
---NVBarbara on 6/19/05

Barbara it is not that complicated.

The line is longer because there is more Ducks in that line.

My coffee keeps my brain clean. If I ever get my wife to take it out of the jar and give it back to me I'll be better.

But she refuses to blow the dust off of it John. And you said, "He He."
---Elder on 6/19/05

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A hospital visitor notices a Chinese man in an "iron lung" greets him then the patient gets agitated and motions for a pen and paper.He writes down a message,but it's in Chinese,then he dies! The visitor anxious to know the man's last words,takes it to the local restaurant for translation. Waiter:" doesn't make much sence it just says you're standing on my tube!"
---1st_cliff on 6/19/05

One duck lags behind, there's always a space too far in between that he should be in. Or they leave a space for a deceased duck, like airplanes in formation who have lost one of their comrads.

You missed the point of the Woodchuck thing--
Notice it says "IF" a Woodchuck could chuck wood! The coffee clogged your brain.
---NVBarbara on 6/19/05

Mob joke: I remember this guy, Joey, the guy with 3 names. First he was called Joey the FISH (Because he looked like a fish). Then he was called Joey the RAT. Now he is called Joey the DEAD!
---Vinnie on 6/19/05

Is that you Elder? I didn't recognize you because nobody blew the dust off. He he! GBY
---John on 6/19/05

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A man interviews a "Pirate" with a peg leg,hook and eye-patch. How'd you lose your leg? Fell overboard and a shark took it. Your "hand"? Got it chopped off in a raid. Your eye? Looked up and got a seagull dropping. That caused you to lose an eye? No it was the first day I got my hook!
---1st_cliff on 6/19/05

When a Pet Shop sells pets with a lifetime guarantee what does that mean?
---Elder on 6/19/05

Hey Barbara I stayed up the other night because of that coffee and found the answer I've been looking for since childhood.

Remember the question; How much wood would a Woodchuck chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood?

The answer is NONE! The EPA shut his operation down.

Trivia for you; When ducks fly South for the winter and get in a "V" formation why is one line always longer than the other?
---Elder on 6/19/05

Life is great and it does include a free trip around the sun every year!
---John on 6/18/05

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Have you noticed that despite the cost of living, it remains so popular?

Have you ever felt like you're diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool!
---NVBarbara on 6/18/05

-Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
-What is a question with no answer called?
-Can a gay man wear a straight jacket?
-When French people swear, do they say "pardon my English"?
-Do illiterate people understand alphabet soup?
-If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-Who first said "See that chicken? I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt"?
---Ann5758 on 6/18/05

-Do donut shop employees sit around all day in police stations?
-If we're here to help others,what are the others here for?
-If a tree falls on a mime in a forest, will anyone hear him scream?
-Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
-If an athiest sneezes, what do you say?
-If a fork were gold, would it still be silverwear?
-How do "do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
-What was Captain Hook's name before he got his hook?
---Ann5758 on 6/18/05

Y'know you have to be careful "how" you say things,like if I say"Honey,when I look at you,time stands still! (does that mean you have a face that would stop a clock?)
---1st_cliff on 6/18/05

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YOU'RE coffee keeps EVERYBODY away! Bless Jeraldleen! BTW, take Acetamenophen, not Aspirin! That stuff will tear up your stomach, IF you have a stomch left after all that rancid coffee!
---NVBarbara on 6/18/05

OK I'll hav'ta tell you people 'cause ya'll is jut to serious.

(If you will be Serious I'll be Roebuck and we can start a Hardware store.)

1. The reason the horse rider got to Washington on the SAME Wednesday that was the Name of his horse.

2. The chemicals are for aspirin. I told you all that Barbara makes me take 'em.

As far as my coffee it keeps the terrorist away.

Cured Ham got his disease walking behind a pig.
---Elder on 6/18/05

Lorie's joke reminded me of the one where the horse saunters into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, 'hey why the long face?'

I love that parrot joke Lorie!
---NVBarbara on 6/17/05

BTW Elder, what disease did 'Cured Ham' actually have?
And if a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a 'Hearing?'
HELP! I need a life too!
---NVBarbara on 6/17/05

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Willow got it!! Elder's driveway paving coffee! You will get the distinct smell of swamp gas after drinking it!Ever wonder why Elder stays home a lot?

I had the 3 stooges on my phone..Hello-Hello Hello-in unison HELLO, the Hanibal Lector one creeped everybody out!..Happy Birthday John!
---NVBarbara on 6/17/05

A man hated his mother in law got three wishes from a genie.

The genie told him that whatever he wished for, his mother in law would get DOUBLE.

First wish: " I would like one hundred billion dollars".

Genie: " Ok but mom gets two hundred billion".

Second wish: " I would like an island off the coast of Greece"

Genie: "Ok, but mom get's two islands".

Third wish: "I would like you to beat me half to death".
---John on 6/17/05

How many suspence writers does it take to change a light bulb?


One to srew it in most of the way, the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
---John on 6/17/05

My answering machine:

This is you - know who.

We are you - know where.

Leave your you - Know - what you - know - when.
---John on 6/17/05

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Is it rum and coke?
---Tim on 6/17/05

Is it swamp gas?
---Chalupa on 6/17/05

Elder isn't that the chemical compossion of your coffee.GOTCHA
---willow on 6/17/05

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