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Secretly In Love With Married Man

Is it ok to be secretly in love with some one that you let get away years ago. He is married now and I have no intentions of ever letting him know and breaking up his marriage. We have been friends for years. I had my chance and blew it but it just feels like we were meant to be.

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 ---lillym on 7/10/05
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Yes, most us blow are chance. I'm in remorse also. Others secretly hate their spouse. In another time, you could share a husband. Such was Leah's love for her husband. (Genesis 30:9-20) Wish mine were a woman as Leah. Better secretly loving a married man than secretly hating your spouse.
---bike on 4/22/13

a lot of people believe and trust that there is a perfect someone just for me yet when we marry the wrong person and years later the perfect so called angel or god send comes along a person sent from heaven just for me am i truly condemned to live out my life in misery?
---dvd_trnr on 4/22/13

this feeling will not last. Trust me.

I would NEVER trust you!! or anyone who made that claim. That claim is made by people who settle in life and put zero effort into a relationship ...choosing a mate for a lifetime requires effort ...death of relationships happen by those who choose to carelessly "be in" a relationship yet never care for it ...if you don't water a garden it will die

the garden of love in life requires nurturing

more than 25 years my husband and I have nurtured our relationship having a bond with more love than we had when we met

all marriages should be able to say something similar not the sad pathetic idea of "it won't last"
---Rhonda on 2/4/12

Whatever feelings u have for this man, u must let the feelings go, as heatbreaking as it sounds. U need to repect his family. and also respect yourself and never settle for this man, u can find greater love with a single man, I promise you. and also he can give you more than the married man ever will. I Hope u will find the man of your dreams. God Bless!
---brooke on 1/31/12

My dear friend, it feels great to be in love with someone who is so perfect to you, everything just falls in place in the right time and you feel like you two are meant to be BUT this feeling will not last. Trust me.
---Sunset on 12/27/11

it only "feels like it was meant to be" to YOU

this man is married and for this man it feels like it was meant to be with his wife

for his wife it feels like it was meant to be with her husband the man YOU COVET


YOU are an unwanted party in a sacred marriage ...your lust could destroy this union if you continue to live in YOUR HEAD

GET A REAL LIFE honey!!! find a SINGLE man you can be OPENLY in love with and have a beautiful life together
---Rhonda on 11/20/11

John, very good example you gave. Burn both sides, great. I guess there is nothing better for them to do, but keep burning anything in their path.
---Mark_V. on 11/14/11

I am going through this right now. I am so attracted to this married man that I recently worked with. He has NO clue. The job is done and I haven't had any contact in over a month. It has been such a distraction. For me, being attracted to an unavailable man has happened before. I ask God to distinguish these feelings but for the most part it takes a long time. I know for me the attraction is 'safe'. Doesn't help my mind or heart, but it is safe. All I can say is try to move forward. Limit your time with him & thinking about him. If as you say you feel its meant to be, if it is that time will come without you creating a drama. Good luck and know you are not alone - will lift you up in prayer. Remember to be kind to yourself.
---Dittogal on 11/12/11

The grass alway looks greener on the other side of the fence.

So some jump the fence adding more fertilizer to the green grass until it burns up from overfertization.

Then that person looks back at the fence and realises (she/he) has now burnt grass on both sides of the fence.

Leaving that person with no choice but to leave both devastated gardens and once again left in the cold of the lonely outer darkness.

The result of thought manifested into sin!
---JOhn on 11/11/10

am married woman and have met this cute guy who is also married lately my husband has not been treating me well and i thought of getting to know this wonderful guy i had met he was also getting close and because of that we both had realised what was there nothing happened between its just that we couldnt go further we both realised that we were both married and did not want to destroy our families but all i want to know is was i wrong in liking this guy or maybe i just missed my husaband what do you think.
---itk on 11/11/10

I was in the same boat not long ago. I couldn't understand why God would allow this person to come back into my life. God spoke to my spirit that I had felt this was the one who got away and I had been carrying much regret. I felt like if I didn't have this man, I had nothing. I believe God allowed this man to return to show me that I CAN live without him. When I accepted that I was able to let him go and let go of the aching about what might have been. Life isn't what might have been, it is what it is, and it's ordered by a loving God who cares enough about our needs to say NO when we're trying to meet them in a wrong way. My prayers are with you because it's hard but God is faithful, and He loves you more than any person ever will.
---Molly on 8/23/10

First of all you need to give up any thought of this man becoming yours. He has his wife and if for any reason you are still lusting after his flesh, you are committing fornication in your mind, which is just as bad as living it out in real life.

Let Go and Let God be the centre of your life, right now what you are advocating is covetous, and a sin. What don't you know, Your body is the temple of the living God and not a place to allow sexual inhibition to dwell, or it will lead you to eternal damnation.

REPENT: and turn your thoughts to righteous living, think on better things, good things of God, and stay focused on spiritual living.
---Carla on 7/14/10

Lillym, Are you a follower of YAHUSHUA (JESUS)? If so, then you need to get rid of your thoughts of that married man. As a Christian, you are entertaining false fantasies of things that will never happen. You're entertaining thoughts of wanting something that belongs to another, to his spouse. That is covetousness. He belongs to his wife. You're only getting yourself worked up for a unreal fantasy. GOD desires Truth in the inward parts, that includes our thoughts. Plus, you may be only setting yourself up for (unecessary) heartache.
---Gordon on 7/14/10

Lillym: This feeling you are having now may be due to a lack of something you need that you do not have right now. If you have it, u will no longer remember that man. If he had died, it is likely u would have forgotten him. From now on (1)consider him dead to you(not physically) (2) Pray to God to give you this feeling to share with another man that is better for u than him. (3) whenever u remember him again, declare to yourself that, "God has someone better than him to give me" in Jesus' name. Note that the "ungodly one" may be using your remembrance of him to keep u from moving forward.
---Adetunji on 7/14/10

I know what you mean.
I fell in love with a married man and feel like we were meant to be.
Now am experiencing alot of pain because of it.
---Dolly on 7/11/10

You said it yourself, girlfriend--you blew it years ago and it became what it is. You can't make yourself feel the way you do as this is a feeling that is there or not. Now what to do about it is the next question. When you truly love someone,you care about them, right? So if you truly care about him- you would just walk away. Just think of what he would lose esp. if he has children. If you really love him, you would not want to see him go through the trials and tribulations of a failed marriage due to an outside factor--you. It's ok to secretly feel that way for someone as long as you don't act upon that feeling--but who are you torturing but yourself? Have the courage to tuck the feeling away. Better yet, Squash it before it squashes you.
---Mayna on 3/1/09

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It is human nature to want to be with someone who is attractive to you for several biological reasons. It is normal and it won't go away, all you can do it deal with it day by day to the best of your ability.
---Mandi on 12/17/08

it is incredible how ignorant Christians can be when someone deals with issues like relationships. The presumption from most of the replies are that a) you chose these feelings yourself b) you are commiting a sin because this is a voluntary behavior c) they already know what's best for you and this man. another big issue is how quickly everyone goes to ascriptures that are irrelevant. If being human was that easy and the solutions that simple,all I would need is to memorize the bible and I would be walking on water in no time at all.

grow up Christian brothers and sisters and do a reality check on yourselves. secretly in love should be praying for God's will in her and his life period end of story.
---Rob on 9/11/08

That's coveting someone's husband and it is sin.
Fantasies, daydreaming about, dwelling on can become a stronghold and tempt one to act upon or follow through with them.
Bring every ungodly thought captive, especially desires for old flames. They will cause a lack of interest in your marriage or a rejection towards one's spouse.

A spirit of division enters in when one covet's another's mate.
---Cindy on 3/20/08

you are too late and god wont save you unless he leaves his wife.....
---Asia on 3/20/08

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If you are born again, you know that the word of God demands that we be Christ like, so WHAT would Jesus do if He were in your situation? It aint easy but you need to deny the flesh its desires and you shall be Truly like Jesus, we are victorious always, your deliverance is coming be prayerful. Your man is also coming to you, look to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our lives.
---lucy on 2/20/08

You are the only one who experiences the Pain.God KNOWS as HE made us to love. I am sure you are a godfearing woman & will do what God wants you to do Pray for strength & change the venue.It may help.May his peace be with you.
---Emcee on 2/19/08

You are the only one who experiences the Pain.God KNOWS as HE made us to love. I am sure you are a godfearing woman & will do what God wants you to do Pray for strength & change the venue.It may help.May his peace be with you.
---Emcee on 2/19/08

It's easy to point out the splinter in someone else's eye without paying attention to the plank in ours.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through something so painful. You can't pick your feelings, but you choose what you do with them.

Everything happens for a reason.

We're incapable of seeing the bigger picture, but God is. This may have somehow paved the way for God to use you for something else.

Be comforted, know that God's best is infinitely better than ours.
---M._M. on 2/19/08

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The Word renews your mind, gives it a bath.
The Holy Spirit totally transforms your old man, that old man dies.
If you don't have the Holy Spirit, you will fight with temptations, each and every day, but you will be fighting flesh with flesh.
Out of your natural perceptions, you will fight, but the pull will always be there to go back to the world.
The baptism of the Holy Spirit is a believer's gift, to contend for the faith and fight the good fight.
---Bob on 11/13/07

The Believer is to cast down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God,
and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.

The Holy Spirit helps you bring every thought to the obedience of Christ. Flesh cannot do that.
---Bob on 11/13/07

You can't completely control your thoughts, although as your faith grows and your relationship with Jesus deepens, your thoughts should change over time. Temptations will always be there, but remember this (1 Corintians 10:13)and this (Romans 8:18).
---Greyrider on 11/13/07

Leave him alone, he is a married man and belongs to his wife.
---Helen_5378 on 11/13/07

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Perhaps. After all, some men do outlive their wives, but I wouldn't count on it.

As long as you're ACTING in an honorable manner, there shouldn't be a problem, but you should be aware that by allowing yourself to be 'in love' with that man, you're losing out on the possibility of loving someone else.

Try to downsize your affection to 'respectful admiration' and you'll feel better.
---Nancy on 11/12/07

Fill yourself up with God's love. When you immense yourself in the presence of God, and worship The Lord God Almighty, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, He will fill you with unfathomable love that you won't want to focus on this man. Man's love and God's love are two completely different things. Man love is mixed with his feelings, emotions and lust. God's love is pure, unadulterated, and unconditional. Experience God's Love, you won't want to turn away from it.
---Donna on 11/12/07

Thou shalt not covet another woman's husband.

Keep this up and you'll be driving by his house and that's called stalking.
Quit looking back to the leeks and onions and enter in to your own life/promised land.
---Bob on 11/12/07

A very holy person gave this advice:
Thoughts lead to words
Words leads to Actions
Actions Form your Character
Your Character determines your Destiny!!
What would it profit a man if he gain the whole world through Desire & suffer The loss of His Immortal soul FOREVER-to satisfy 5 minutes of Pleasure.
---Emcee on 11/12/07

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As I read all the comments from self righteous who are requiring you to turn love off like a faucet, they are clearly not understanding how YOU feel. I know that you cannot turn it off "just like that". This is where your faith and belief in the laws of our Creator and the tenets of your religious beliefs comes in. It is in the ACTION that one does, not in mere thoughts. Don't dwell on the thoughts.
---Ifama on 11/12/07

NO IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE..shame on you to be lusting for someone elses husband..keep to yourself and stop lusting..I your a christian, then do the right thing..KEEP WELL AWAY..christians dont steal ...God is watching..Lord have mercy...
---law on 7/31/07

I know how you feel, I have been there too, but you have to let it go. It is not alright to secretly remain in love with someone because if you allow it, it will fester into obsession and limit your own chances at finding true happiness (and yes it is a sin).

If it is a real problem for you, you may have to cut off your friendship (you do not need to tell him why, just move on). And if it is too hard, try moving out of the area.
---lorra8574 on 7/26/07

In a simple answer, No. Thou shall not covet your neighbors wife, or in your case husband. It is not meant to be, because he is someone else's husband, hence "Thou shall not commit adultry." Meant to be would mean God wanted the sin to happen and God never wants sin to happen.
---Jessica on 7/26/07

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lily ... Your words indicate that your love for this man is in different from the love you have for your other friends.
If my assessment is correct, you are wrong to let this love persist, and it is dangerous because it remains a temptation, and it is sad, becasue it will stand in the way of you finding a man who is free for you to love.
---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/14/05

Thanks to everyone that replied and no I never intended to break this marriage up. I just needed help to figure out what I needed to do. I don't lust after this man, I just simply love him and miss having his friendship. I am praying that God helps me because I Want to do the right thing. May God bless each of you
---lillym on 7/12/05

When I first fell in love, I was Muslim and he wasn't. I told him we couldn't stay together. He married someone else and for 2 years I remained in love with him. He told me he was still in love and would come to my door and knock. I could not answer; it just hurt too much. It took me finding someone else for those "in love" feelings to go away. It also helps if you stay far away from that person. Lily has no intentions of breaking up his marriage. It's just going to take time and distance.
---Maha on 7/12/05

Love, by itself, is never wrong. Love him as much as you possibly can, and it will never be "too much". The problem is if love begins to be mixed with lust for him or (even worse) envy of his wife. Those are the dangers. It might help to think of him as your brother, instead of "the one who got away". Pray God will keep your love pure, and don't let the false idea you were "meant to be" with him stay in your mind for an instant. It will corrupt you sooner or later.
---Billy on 7/11/05

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My aunt was in a park once upon a time and overheard a couple of women talking to each other. One asked the other if she was married and she said yes but when she asked if she really loved him, she simply replied that the man she married was the best she could do with what she had. There is always someone out there that one wishes he or she could have married instead but to be a Christian we must be content with the one we have married as we will be judged by our vows to others.
---lee on 7/11/05

Maha ... being "in love" means that you want a special friendship with that person, and exclusive freindship.
To have such a yearning after a married person is sinning against yourself, because you are poisoning your own life with unachievable dreams and dare I say it,lust.
Being "in love" cannot be pure, unless it is with a person who belongs to you ... your spouse
---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/11/05

You're dealing with REGRET, which isn't easy especially as you age BUT you must let go. You need to face the fact that you had your chance and blew it. It wasn't right then and I'm sure if you think hard enough as to why it wasn't right you will find the same today. Some people are better just as friends. My room mate was in your shoes and it messed with her head big time. Let it go and move on.He is happily married and there's no looking back for him.Don't covet another women's husband.That's what he is.
---lisa on 7/11/05


I agree. My point is that she should strive to make it a pure love. If you are in love with someone, in itself I do not believe is a sin. It only becomes a sin when you lust after them and of course if you act upon the love. In time her "in love" feelings could fade but if it is a deep love it may never fade. Unfortunately we don't all get to marry the ones we love. Also, love isn't something you can turn on and off. The only thing you can do is pray.
---Maha on 7/11/05

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Maha ... I do not think that "secretly in love" can equate with the kind of pure love that you describe.
---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/11/05

I know that "meant to be" feeling, it's hard to just disregard. Don't give in to temptation by dwelling on it, any action would cause heartache and pain for all concerned. Love him as one Christian loves another, pray for his happiness, and get on with your life. God bless you.
---Jadyn on 7/11/05

Believe me, that if you still have the wrong feeling towards a married man, Satain will try to get you into trouble. Pray for this mans happyness with his wife. The devil is trying to make you feel you lost out. Put him in his place and pray for a husband. Do not entertain what could have been.; You must give up those feelings for him and let him be. He is married now. Move on. Seek God.
---Linda3939 on 7/11/05


It is never a sin to love as long as the love is not accompanied by lustful thoughts. If you find yourself lusting after him, pray about it and always try to stop. God will bless you for your efforts. You are not committing adultery by loving him. Ask God to keep your love for him pure. When you trust and place your complete faith in God, he will guide you to the man that is meant for you. Always remember that God should always be your number one true love. He is all you need.
---maha on 7/11/05

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The entertainment industry projects the idea of one Mr/Miss Right for each of us & that our most important quest in life is to find that soul mate who will make us blissfully happy for the rest of our lives. When you say "it feels like we were meant to be," I suspect you have a certain rapport with this gentleman but that shouldn't be confused with the idea of "Mr Right." Try to be patient ... the real "Mr Right" is out there & he isn't already taken.
---DoryLory on 7/11/05

"feels that we were meant to be"...most probably if you were meant to be , you had been married to him..There are still many fishes in the ocean, pray and wait for the right time and right person. God bless.!
---kharole on 7/11/05

You let him go a long time ago and he has now moved on and is getting on with his life. He is oblivious to your feelings and that's how it must stay. Now is the time for you also to move on and put all these feelings away. You are spoiling any future you might have with someone else by harbouring these thoughts.
---Avril on 7/11/05

No it's not ok. i know how you feel, there's nothing wrong with admiring the positive attributes in a married person, but you can't allow yourself to become enamored. He is already taken, so you must redirect your feelings to one whom is not taken.
---Eloy on 7/11/05

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You need to let go of these feelings toward a married man and prepare them, refresh them for the next "perfect match" who will come along if you ask the Lord to lead in this matter.
When that "prince" shows up he will want and deserves your unreserved love and respect but if you are still in love with the one you let go, that will not be the case and he wil sense it and probably walk leaving you "hung" again.
---Pierr7958 on 7/10/05

This was not the plan God has for you or you would be together. Trust God with finding your mate for you. It will be someone better for you than this person. Also, when you marry, do you want someone having secret thoughts and yearnings for your husband?
---Debbie on 7/10/05

No it is not right to covet a nother woman's husband. My husbad had an affair and it hurt me so much, the other woman did not care that she was stealing my husband, she just took what she wanted. So do not hurt that other woman, think of her.
---mary on 7/10/05

lilym: Having the idea that "it just feels like we were meant to be" is not good because you are putting yourself in situation where temptation could set in.The fact that you are not married to him is a proof enough that you are not meant to be.
God will not allow you "to blow things up" without Him interceeding (in His own way)if you are really meant to be with this man. Wake up! Stop dreaming!
---bebet3754 on 7/10/05

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Wrong or not, it is just plain foolish. You must torture yourself. Get on and find someone who will respond to your love with his love.
---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/10/05

You should let go of your feelings for this man, and break contact with him, as you are only placing yourself and him in danger of too strong a temptation by seeing each other, even "as friends." You would do all involved a great service by leaving, or at least staying away.
---tommy3007 on 7/10/05

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