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Humor Blog #3

This is the third ChristiaNet Humor Blog.

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Hey Jeanne way back on 11/11/06,
Guess what, my wife's dummy always gets the dinner check......
---Elder on 5/5/08

My Uncle Barry was a ventriloquist,and when I was a little girl he used to come over our house on holidays and make us kids laugh with his dummy. He was very talented. We laughed and laughed until our stomaches hurt. Come to think of it the dummy looked a lot like uncle Barry.
---Lorie on 5/5/08

My son very seriously asked, "mom what is a murderer?" I replied, well first of all they are not very nice, before I could continue, he looked at me and said, oh you mean a murderer is like a teenager?
---Mary on 11/11/06

My best pal is from Scotland, I am Jewish so we love to tease each other. He wrote me this. A Scot and a Jewish man went out to a real nice but expensive dinner. When the check came the waiter asked and a Scottish accent was heard saying "Aye Laddie I will take the check." So the waiter gave the Scot the check. The next day the Scottish head lines read "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH" I told my friend Oy Vey he told me Hoot man! Lets enjoy our differences thru nice humor!
---Jeanne on 11/11/06

Sometimes I get so mad I could stomp on ketchup packs.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a remote for traffic lights?

Wouldn't it be nice if I cooked even half of all the recepies I've collected?

---Virginia on 11/11/06

Did our invitations get lost in the mail John?
It looks as if everybody has joined Misty on her Safari!
---NVBarbara on 7/28/05

Misty must be sweating on an extended safari or the boss is looking over her shoulder.

Good thinking Barbara!
---John on 7/27/05

My Dr's bookeeper is a sweet woman who has been on leave due to surgery for Ovarian Cancer, and then treatment,she's doing well and back at work. I wanted to take something to welcome her.She collects Cow replicas, cute ones, silly looking ones etc.I looked all over for a cute cow to take her,couldn't find one I liked! On my way to my app't I stopped at the grocery store on my way.No pet cows so I just picked up 2 lbs. hamburger to take to her!She loved it, even the Doc got a giggle out of that!
---NVBarbara on 7/27/05

My uncle came to a family cookout once and I commented on his new teeth. He said they were on loan. He took them out and handed them to me and on the bottom it said "Gummby's Dental Rental".
---John on 7/27/05

A guy goes into the post office with stamps all over his forehead. Just wanted to express himself.
---1st_cliff on 7/26/05

OK nvB Can you not try to understand why I was upset? I NOW know the joke was innocently posted. But it was so soon after an event that shook the UK
I know 10 year old jokes about stupid terrorists and failed hijack attempts ... how would you have felt if that had been posted just after 9/11?
I have already accepted that it was not posted deliberately.
---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/26/05

I think God had a sense of humor because he had Sarah have a baby when she was REALLY old and told Abraham to name the baby Isaac, which means: Laughter!
(I mean absolutly NO disrespect here, just thought this was kind of funny in a very respectful way...)
---sue on 7/26/05

nvBarb, well i wouldn't say warped. The Bible says we are a "peculiar people" in Titus 2:14. i mean who else in the world would "put others first, and lay down their life for others, and love their enemies, and do good to those who spitefully use and abuse us," except us christians. Yea, your good too, you do make me laugh. i love you much sis.
---Eloy on 7/26/05

You CAN Eloy!! And we would all love it!
Admit it, you're as warped as the rest of us!
Laugh bro, it doeth good as a medicine!

(I got you to laugh the other day! :) )
---NVBarbara on 7/26/05

Thank you, Jeffrey. I'm glad you got a laugh out of it!

nvB - There's more than one way to camp. I LOVE camping but I don't like roughing it ... I'm too old for that! My favorite part is the fresh air and the outdoor smell and being woken at 6:00 a.m. by all the singing birdies! (No, I'm not joking ... I'm weird!)
---DoryLory on 7/26/05

My idea of 'getting back to nature' is a suite overlooking the mountains, or the ocean! Sorry, NO camping for me!
The idea of sleeping with the frogs and gnats and flies and mosquitos, and who knows what else is NOT for me!
---NVBarbara on 7/26/05

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My last expeience with camping was on a hot july evening,a thunderstorm came up and blew our tent over, we were all drenched and piled into the car,3 kids and wife. windows up-suffocated,window down- eaten by mosquitos .That was my final camping trip....from now on it's "Holiday Inn"
---1st_cliff on 7/26/05

i'm laughing with you cliff. You have a healthy sense of humor. It would be something if i could turn my dry humor into being half as funny as yours.
---Eloy on 7/26/05

NVBarbara, how do you express anger in camp?

I saw a movie once where a gal kicked a coffee pot off the fire. But that didn't satisfy her, so she told the guy off and let out a piercing scream right in his face.

He had the perfect response, though. He just looked at her like she was crazy.
---Jeffrey on 7/26/05

Dory, I like your doctor jokes. Some of them do sound like female humor, but I got a good laugh out of them, too. :)

And how about everybody lighten up? Remember, if your brothers and sisters in Christ were perfect, they wouldn't have needed a saviour. Thank God that Christ is coming back one day!
---Jeffrey on 7/26/05

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The joke was about a stupid person, obviously not any bus in particular, its an old joke and had nothing to do with any particular circumstance, no one would be that cruel. Further, the Moderator would not have passed it through if he thought Cliff was saying something in very poor taste.
---NVBarbara on 7/25/05

Cliff, That was in bad tast. Why do people have to laugh at other people's tragady? I guess the devil rears his ugly head in all of us in some ways. People treat people badly even christians. I was thinking of being one but you are not a good example. You should feel it from a nonchristian point of view. Are you still laughing Cliff?
---Emma on 7/25/05

I got in an argument with my hubby while we were camping, and we were inside our tent! That's a BAD place for an argument, I tried to walk out and slam the flap!
How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation?? Zip it up really quickly? ZIPPPPPP and stomp away?
---NVBarbara on 7/25/05

But you see there ARE 9/11 jokes, there are Lockerbie jokes, there are Kennedy assassination jokes. There are sick jokes which come out immediately after any tragedy. There are jokes already about the innocent man shot in error by police in London.
So Cliff's joke sounded just like one of them.
---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/25/05

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nvB & Others ... OK maybe I was a bit touchy about the terrorist and bus joke ... But it was posted just as we in Britain were coming to terms with losing many innocent persons on 7/7, and one of the bombs was on a bus. It seemed to come too close to that incident
---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/25/05

My Dad told me that joke years ago Cliff--'the guy with 2 black eyes'.
I was laughing out loud at how careful you had to be to choose the proper wording!Funny!
---NVBarbara on 7/25/05

One day I attended a religious meeting and we stood up to sing.The lady in front of me had a dress that creased into her anatomy. I reached up and gave it a gentle pull,she swung around with her song book "swat". You can just imagine her reaction when after she turned around and I tried to put it back! I've been hard of hearing ever since. eh? what's that you say?
---1st_cliff on 7/25/05

I wish we could put pictures on here! I have a picture of my cat "Knothead" curled up sleeping using my mouse as a 'pillow!'
---NVBarbara on 7/25/05

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Okay you guys, here's something for you. When the Bulletin Blooper and Bumper Sticker blogs came out I knew I had to dig this out of my dusty files. I don't know if it's a "female thing" but this article has been known to cause grown women laugh till they cry, roll on the floor in hysterics, and more. Consider yourself forewarned.
---DoryLory on 7/25/05



Doctors illegible handwriting is legendary. With the advent of dictating machines, nurses and medical office workers rejoiced that this equipment would improve the situation. Has it? Between misplaced modifiers, speaking jargon, and doctors putting their feet in their mouths, the results can vary from amusing to confusing. The following list is what medical transcriptionists have actually heard on their dictating machines.
---DoryLory on 7/25/05


- Father died in his 90s of female trouble in his prostate & kidneys.

- Both the patient & the nurse herself reported passing flatus.

- The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

- The left leg became numb at times & she walked it off.

- On the second day, the knee was better & on the third day it had completely disappeared.

- A week after operation, she spiked a femur.
---DoryLory on 7/25/05


- At the time of onset of pregnancy, the mother was undergoing bronchoscopy.

- Patient left his white blood cells at another hospital.

- Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

- She had a miscarriage at the age of four months.

- Physician has been following the patient's breast for six years.

- The patient reports that she had considerable pain last night on intercourse in the abdomen.
---DoryLory on 7/25/05

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- She left the hospital nursing her baby and draining clear urine.

- The patient's head was in neutral.

- Husband also relates severe menstrual bleeding the past two periods.

- By the time she was admitted to the hospital, her rapid heart had stopped and she was feeling much better.

- Discharge status: alive but without permission.

- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
---DoryLory on 7/25/05


- Patient stated that if she would lie down, within two or three minutes something would come across her abdomen & knock her up.

- This 14-year-old boy argued with a lawnmower, which then attacked him.

- Patient's abdomen is at war.

- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
---DoryLory on 7/25/05


- This 90-year-old lady was admitted to the hospital as an emergency because of sudden onset of entire left leg.

- Patient is a real gas factory.

- The nursing home where the patient lives was noted to sputter, cough and run a fever.

- The patient is a 71-year-old female who fractured her little finger while beating up a cake.

- Healthy appearing, decrepit 69-year-old female, mentally alert but forgetful.

- The patient was sent home in plaster.
---DoryLory on 7/25/05


- Patient states she was bitten by both legs of a dog.

- Patient was a great, white male.

- She was apparently quite active while sitting.

- The patient was seen about four weeks ago by a physician with a urethral drip.

- According to witnesses, the patient was weaving down the street when he suddenly turned into an automobile.

- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
---DoryLory on 7/25/05

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- The patient was admitted to the hospital on the day of admission.

- Patient states table hit her.

- Patient has too much sex growth in the urine.

- The patient had reportedly been doing very well when after breakfast, she suddenly lost her right arm and was unable to speak.

- The patient has never been pregnant and denies any reason for this.

- Patient was provoked by the food on her plate.

- Patient was struck by the car in her nose.
---DoryLory on 7/25/05

Sorry Alan; Ihad no idea you (or anyone) would "pesonalize" a joke. And no there are no 9/11 jokes, that's a very bad retort!
---1st_cliff on 7/25/05

Boy, before you know it, we're going to have to ask "Mother, may I?" before posting a joke here. Look past what's happening in the world and enjoy the fun. No reason for hard feelings.
---Ann5758 on 7/25/05

Why did the computer squeak? Because somebody stepped on the mouse!!!!
---sue on 7/25/05

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Alan, again i say to you, "NOTE: Readers, you are reading the HUMOR post, so if you are looking for NON-humor then try the other postings."
---Eloy on 7/25/05

WHAT bus Alan? That's an old joke Cliff told. He named no bus in particular, AND it said in essence it did NOT blow up, he just burned his lips. Maybe his timing was off but other than that I TOTALLY agree with Eloy and Elder. Sorry about your friend's daughter, but that has nothing to do with this blog.

TY Misty! We missed you over the week-end. Did they get all the White Out off your screen??
---NVBarbara on 7/25/05

Hope everyone had a nice weekend! It is so hot here you could fry an egg on the sidewalk!! Everyone's jokes were funny...I enjoyed the oxymoron's. Maybe cuz I am a nice day y'all...NVB, still praying for you girl!
---Misty on 7/25/05

Cliff ... heard any good jokes about 9/11?
---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/25/05

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1st cliff, it WAS funny, and you got a chuckle out of me, it shows the terrorist being stupid. NOTE: Readers, you are reading the HUMOR post, so if you are looking for NON-humor then try the other postings.
---Eloy on 7/25/05

There are jokes on here about old men dying, cremation, marriage breakups, dumb blondes and on and on.
Now Cliff tells one about a bus and a stupid terrorist and gets reprimanded.
Alan it is time you began to look at what is bothering you.
Cliff nor I had anything to do with terrorist or global warming.
Cliff your joke was funny.
---Elder on 7/25/05

Cliff, Bad choice of jokes. It's not a joke. Pray for wisdom.
---John on 7/25/05

Sorry Alan; but a joke has no relation to "reality"
---1st_cliff on 7/25/05

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After the funeral Sally put Sams glass cremation urn on the coffee table in the living room. Some of Sally's guest would use it as an ash tray when she was out of the room but were respectful enough to not leave butts in it. One day Sams brother came to visit Sally, he looks at the urn on the coffee table and remembered how at looked at the funeral and exclaimed. "I see Sam has been putting on a little weight lately."
---phia4633 on 7/25/05

How can restaurants stress dress codes? Doesn't the Constitution give us rights to 'bare arms?'
Git er done!
---NVBarbara on 7/25/05

Not so funny Cliff.
The daughter of my ex vicar was killed on that bus.
---Alan8869_of_UK on 7/25/05

Then there was this stupid terrorist who tried to blow up a bus, but he burned his lips on the tailpipe!
---1st_cliff on 7/24/05

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I've been off for years, maybe I'm not wrapped too tight. I pray every day. GBYNVB.
---John on 7/24/05

Love the cookie joke Ann! Yep, I'm a warped human as well!

TY for asking John. My white count is too high, and they are scheduling me for yet another MRI. They will do it from a different perspective, they think the angle was off.
Little do they know its just ME who's off!
---NVBarbara on 7/24/05

Ann, That was funny! That goes right along with my sick sense of humor. I'll have to remember that one.
---John on 7/24/05

Barbara, The results I was talking about was the results of your MRI that you were supposed to get on Friday. What's going on Sis? By the way the wood chuck went union.
---John on 7/24/05

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An old man was dying, and his faithful wife had been by his side. Now she left, and a short time later, he smelled his favourite cookies baking. "How wonderful" he thought,"that she would do this for me." and with his last ounce of strength he pulled himself out of bed and crawled along the floor to the kitchen. He saw a plate of cookies on the table and was just reaching for one when he felt his knuckles being rapped and his wife said "Don't touch! They're for the funeral!"
---Ann5758 on 7/24/05

Answer: A woodchuck could chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
---Ann5758 on 7/24/05

John, Logically it would depend upon how large each wood is that the wood chuck is chucking, and upon how significantly strong the wood chuck is, and upon the total distance in which the wood chuck had to chuck the wood.
---Eloy on 7/24/05

Elder knows about the wood chuck, he posted that on ONE of the last blogs.
I don't even know what a wood chuck is!
---NVBarbara on 7/23/05

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Tell me something, how much wood does a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck would chuck wood?
nvb what about those results?
---John on 7/23/05

Ha! That was great, Barbara! LOLROF! If you only knew.
---John on 7/23/05

Did you hear of the very old,ill preacher, who was on his deathbed? He had his lawyer and his accountant to come and stand beside him as he lay there.
They were very proud that he wanted them with him at the end. One finally asked,"how did you choose to have us with you as you are dying?"

The old man answered in a whisper,"I wanted to die like Jesus with a thief on each side of me."
---NVBarbara on 7/23/05

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
---anon on 7/23/05

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More oxymorons:honest politician,jumbo shrimp,pretty ugly,same difference,taped live,peace force,civil war,daily special,fire water,freezer burn,head butt,inside out,never again,random order.
---Ann5758 on 7/22/05

Deah, Today is my wife's birthday and I did remember, thank God!
---John on 7/22/05

Is saying "Good Morning" an oxymoron?

Prepare to bow before my invincible irony and sarcasm....
---NVBarbara on 7/22/05

Good answer Deah! Welcome BTW, I haven't seen you here before!

My hubby has NO excuse, my birthday is the day before his!
---NVBarbara on 7/22/05

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Thank you Misty, watch out for that big game this week-end!

I'm changing my name to "Occupant' so I don't feel guilty opening someone else's mail!-Love you G/F
---NVBarbara on 7/22/05

TOO funny John! You made me laugh out loud!

Its like the blonde who told the ventriloquist to quit making blonde jokes, that we were not more stupid than brunettes!

He started to apologize, she interupted and said she was talking to the 'short guy' on his lap!
---NVBarbara on 7/22/05

Does anyone in here know who Current Resident is???? If anybody finds him/her will you let me know?? I have a whole lot of mail for them!!! Don't you wish there was a SPAM box for the junk mail you get in your physical mailbox??? Have a great Weekend y'all!!! I guess I'm off to the Safari!!! Praying for you Barbara!
---Misty on 7/22/05

A tactful husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
---Deah on 7/22/05

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Part 2. After all, he's made of wood and uncle Dave was so bad, people used to say, "Oh look, the dummy's mouth hardly moved!" It got so bad that he had to take his act on the radio. Dear old uncle Dave. He's gone now. I hope I didn't bore you with his story.
By the way, Teddy say's Hey! O yeah, were going boating and swimming at the lake this weekend. He probably want's to show off his floating abilities. The little Boyant piece of...........Gopher wood!
---John on 7/22/05

My uncle Dave was a Ventriloquist and was he terrible! He had no timing. He made his own dummy. Yeah, he wittled him with a wittling knife and called him Teddy. Once he got carried away and wittled a house down to a rocking chair but that's another story, Any who, uncle Dave told me one day, "I want to will Teddy to you when I die." I said, "Come on I don't want the stupid dummy!"
---John on 7/22/05

you all are somethin' else, indeed the best. sister Barb i prayed your MRI results are ok. Your music joke reminds me of a true story, me and a friend were sittin' in Round Table Pizza when an old Pastor came over to the table. i said, i hear music,..."My God reigns, my God reigns, my God rei-ei-eigns, my God reigns." He said they sang it in church that morning. So i gather i was hearing it from his heart. Isn't God awesome.
---Eloy on 7/22/05

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