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Humor Blog #5

Time for a new humour blog? HA!! I got here first.....laugh laugh laugh

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Nothing unwholesome about a joke, unless its dirty.
By the very name "JOKE", they are not designed to 'build up', just to get a laugh.
---NVBarbara on 12/30/07

A good laugh is sunshine in a house.
Help save the earth, it's the only planet with chocolate!
Those who beat their swords into plowshares, will plow for those who didn't.
---Virginia on 11/11/06

EVERYBODY...Move to the top, NEW Humor Blog close to the top of the list!
---NVBarbara on 8/20/05

The one time I asked for directions the guy sent us miles in the wrong direction. I could tell by the guys eyes that he was lying, but I didn't listen to my first instinct. This was in Middeltown NY and if your out there, guy with the lying eyes, Jesus is the way!
---John on 8/20/05

Because man was created with a natural instinct of "direction" he never needs to ask , he never gets lost , just that sometimes he gets "turned around".
---1st_cliff on 8/19/05

And she would be right Elder!
What's the deal with men not wanting to ask for directions?

A 'gold mime'...argh Elder!
---NVBarbara on 8/19/05

Ann, if a tree fell on a man anywhere I think his wife would be left.
She will probably say, "He shoulda asked for directions. He never does................yak yak.........."
---elder on 8/19/05

If it were a Gold Mime someone would care.
---Elder on 8/18/05

Mime's have too much to say.
---John on 8/18/05

Last holloween I dressed as a mime,taking my granddaughter trick or treating, I would have cared if a tree fell on me! My wife would have full control of the remote!
---1st_cliff on 8/18/05

Wow Olie, I hate that I'll be busy when you have the next bar b que! (whenever it is)Just make sure whatever you cook has been run over no more than 2 days before, nice and fresh!

Would anyone CARE if a tree fell on a mime?
---NVBarbara on 8/18/05

If a tree fell on a mime in a forest, would he make a sound?
If a tree fell on a man in a forest, would his wife still be right?
---Ann5758 on 8/18/05

If a tree fell in a forest and nobody was around, would anyone know? YES! My wife, she knows everything!
---Puffy_on_the_run on 8/17/05

Did anybody see my recipe book? I know it's around here somewhere. Now where did I put that book? Maybe Elroy borrowed it, cause he was talkin just the other day about gastric explosions. Uh, I'll get back to ya.
---Olie on 8/17/05

Two mechanics were eating lunch when one said " what's that you're drinking"? "a little brake fluid, I tasted it and I like it" 1st mech."dont you know that's poison,it will kill you!" ans. "Ya but it's brake fluid and I can stop whenever I want!"
---1st_cliff on 8/16/05

Gram, is now 94 and very active! Her mother died when she was 105!She had been married 5 times, and had told the family that when she died she wanted to be buried next to her 'favorite husband!'There was no extra plot there and even though she was creamated,the cemetary would not allow it.Gram, wanting to keep her mother's wishes, took her little garden shovel and visited the cemetary late one afternoon;her Mom got her wish and is buried a foot or so below ground level close to her favorite husband in NM!
---NVBarbara on 8/16/05

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Moi Tim? Sweet delicate me? Just ask Elder, he knows I wouldn't harm a fly!
(Insert maniacal laugh!)
---NVBarbara on 8/16/05

Barbara- You sound rough!
---Tim on 8/16/05

Has anyone seen the new Kentucky quarters out there??? I had a guy show me his and it was "two dimes and a nickle taped together with ductape"???????
---kirk3998 on 8/14/05

Born in the North I always wondered why some southern home have firman in their nativity sceens during the christmas season So after knocking on a large southern home I asked this fine southern gal why she had those fireman in her nativity sceen and she responded with a southern slang: You yankies dont know nothin, if you'd read your bibles you'ld see it says "then the wisemen came from a "far"........???
---kirk3998 on 8/14/05

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Proof that there is NO women in Heaven: Revelations 8:1 says: "When He opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour." There you have it proof because women cant stay quite that long????ya-think???
---kirk3998 on 8/14/05

Elder, go "over there" and ponder these mysteries of life.
Let us know when you come up with all the answers.
I can make a black eye with my fist!
---NVBarbara on 8/14/05

Every baby I've seen was almost a year old.
What is the difference in a Guarantee and Warrantee?
What color is Midnight Black as opposed to Black?
Is there a Midmorning Black?
Can you make a black eye with a blue pencil?
If I leave "over here" to go "over there" would I have to leave "over there" to come back "over here" or would "over here" change to "over there" because I was "over there" instead of "over here?
---Elder on 8/13/05

NVBarbara, that's like when you're sitting on the end of the row and someone comes down the aisle and says, "Can I sneak past you?"

"No. You've warned me. Try again later when I'm not looking." :)
---Jeffrey on 8/12/05

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I caught that Ann, so many of us say that without thinking! As if they told something after they died!
I always get a giggle too when somebody tells me that someone they know just had a new baby! As opposed to what, an old baby? :}
---NVBarbara on 8/12/05

I have one! Life on earth has got it's benefits, it includes a free trip around the sun every year.
---Anne on 8/12/05

.....and of course it was when he was still alive...duhhhhhhh...kinda hard to make those kinds of decisions after you're gone...
---Ann5758 on 8/11/05

My grandfather, when he was alive, changed the location of their burial plots because he "didn't like the neighbourhood"...they were next to some guy who killed his wife. My mom said to him "Oh, dad, what do you think you're gonna do- sit around at night playing cards or something?" I always got a kick out of that.
---Ann5758 on 8/11/05

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Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Its hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its buriel costs and blame it on the higher costs of living??
---NVBarbara on 8/10/05

I wish I knew some funny jokes. I'll return with something. Please be patient with me! God bless!
---Anne on 8/10/05

Well just jump right in and make all of us laugh Ann.
I notice there are fewer people blogging here, but it is vacation time and not so many posting. However there have been MANY important questions on the forum, maybe more people are spending time blogging there.
Personally I have been very busy, and Elder has had a big ordeal to take care of.
---NVBarbara on 8/10/05

I hate to say it but this blog is starting to get boring. What happened? Please don't be angry with me, I'm just being honest. It used to be funny with all your little stories. Some of them were hilarious. God bless you all!
---Anne on 8/9/05

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Well I guess if you can't find perfection, you settle for what you can get! So bless her heart she found somebody else from the "deep woods" of 'Virginny' with a path leading to an outhouse!
Lord knows I love that gal, just can't say much for her taste in men!

(For any newbies, please know we are kidding!
Elder is my 'Online Pastor' and I love him dearly and Eloy is my precious brother in the Lord)
God love us and help all us women to put up with men!
---NVBarbara on 8/9/05

Elder, how modest we are, funny guy. God bless you two.
---Eloy on 8/9/05

Eloy, her name Jeraldleen is from the old deep forest German language. That's her background.
The name means, "And ye shall find perfection."
Then she married me and................... well, you know.......
---Elder on 8/9/05

nvBarb, i wonder why Jeraldleen's folks called her that, could it be that she was born skinny? or maybe she was leaning?
---Eloy on 8/9/05

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I gave the You just dont appreciate me speech once to my boyfriend

He promised to treat me royally for the remainder of the day.

He took me to lunch at Burger King and Dairy Queen for dessert
---lorie4334 on 8/9/05

Vickie said to her butcher, "Those sausages you sold me yesterday were meat at one end and nothing but cornmeal at the other end."

The butcher replied, "Well, you know how it is - it's difficult these days to make both ends meat."
---lorie4334 on 8/9/05

Careful Eloy and Elder, you're starting to sound like Curt/Steve! He's changed his story on so many blogs that I don't even try to keep up!
Is he the fruitcake that keeps getting sent around at Christmas time?
---NVBarbara on 8/8/05

YOU talk to Steve about that Elder! I'm gonna' just stand by man and love him!

I really MUST have a private talk with Jeraldleen to find out how she puts up with you, brrrr urself u old coot.

Hey, maybe Steve hasn't had many blessings in his life. If he sees me that way, I'll receive it, and keep him sheltered!
---NVBarbara on 8/8/05

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Just wait for my labor day recipe. Guests will have to coat their stomach's with oil to withstand the intensity of this recipe. Even then we will have to have Paramedics standing by just in case somebody get's convulsions. We lost a dog and 2 cats last year at aunt B's, (really, aunt B.) cousin's passing dinner. Speaking of passing, cousin Stump passed an intestine after drinking my super flush medicinal shake. You aint ready to hear what's in that puppy right there. Love you all. mean it! Get er done!
---Olie on 8/8/05

Hey Barbara you may very well be the best blessing that Steve has had, but that thought does kinda make me shudder brrrrr..........
---Elder on 8/8/05 can't live with'em & you just can't shoot'em....
---Ann5758 on 8/8/05

Shhhhhh! don't tell Steve that Eloy! He thinks I'm the best blessing he's ever had!

Maybe God should have closed men's mouths Elder, but no matter, he closed women's ears when they're around men!
---NVBarbara on 8/8/05

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Women. You can't live with them, and you can't live with them.
---Eloy on 8/8/05

Maybe when God took that rib He shoulda closed man's mouth instead of his side.
---Elder on 8/7/05

We do need you women, praise God!
---Ralph on 8/7/05

That's what's wrong with me! I, being a man, have a natural tendency to think of women as homing devices. But there are no women in my home! Hmmm. Maybe I'll just stay out with the boys.
---Jeffrey on 8/7/05

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We women don't have to mention where men give us a pain, all of you know!
Most men think of us as 'homing devices'--have you seen my socket wrench? (Sure, I used it to mash potatoes!) Where's the hammer? (You may find out the hard way!) What drawer are my socks in etc etc.

But we love you anyway, you makes us feel needed :) Woop Woop Woop!
---NVBarbara on 8/7/05

we all know that woman was made from mans rib... ans since then that women have been a pain in mans side.
nyuck nyuck nyuck

discovered in my (humble) review of genesis 1-3
---willow on 8/7/05

The best cure for bad hair in the morning is take it off before you go to bed like i do and it is fresh and well maintained when you put it on in the morning.If that does not work where a bag over your head to bed and you wont have to see it when you look in the mirror.
---shy_one on 8/7/05

When I wake up, my hair is bunched up, sticking straight up, and curled over at the top. I look like one of the kids on a baby food jar, except with a beard. It only started doing that when it started thinning.

But I know where the hair went. It just decided to go skiing - you know, sliding down hill? It wouldn't be so bad if it would just ski all the way down to my chin. But it comes out my nose and out my ears.

Won't it be great when Christ comes back and we all get new bodies?
---Jeffrey on 8/7/05

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nvBarb, i love you too sister. You're like a balm of Gilead.
---Eloy on 8/7/05

If I went to sleep with wet hair, I'd awaken looking like Medusa! It defies gravity! I have a LOT of hair, very fine, but also very thick.
Take a picture upon waking and send it, or put it on your profile! We all need a good laugh! Luv ya' bro.
---NVBarbara on 8/6/05

nvBarb, if my hair is dry when i sleep on it, then it's remains obedient until i awake. But if i go to bed with it wet, then Lord only knows what kind of cruel morphological chaos i'll awake to see in the mirror: there's indentations, not unlike starting paragraphs; and there's this unruly clumping which defies the comb, neither will it cooperate know matter how authoritative i try to command it. Whereof i am left with nothing else but to thoroughly wet my hair in order to gain that acceptable symmetry.
---Eloy on 8/6/05

SEE Eloy, God does have a sense of humor!
Just don't have a heart attack over it!
It could be worse, you could have Don King hair! I'm gonna have to superimpose that on your picture and see how you would look! I'm laughing already!
---NVBarbara on 8/5/05

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I love it Eloy! That's funny!
What do you put in your hail to make it all goofy looking, or is it just thinning and you're doing a "comb over?"

From the top of my head to the tips of my hair is about 2 feet long. The cat sneaks onto the top of my pillow often before I wake up and nuzzles in my hair, it looks way weird when I get up!
---NVBarbara on 8/5/05

Funeral Eulogy:
There were three men sitting on a bench. Man one asked the other two: "What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?".

Man two said, "I guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I took care of my family".

Man Three said, "I'd want them to say things like that too".

Man one said: "That's all nice, but me... I want them to say

---Eloy on 8/5/05

nvBarb, you laugh, but when i wake up and look in the mirror i almost get a myocardio infarcation. i mean scary like, like my hair does things that i didn't think hair could possibly do.
---Eloy on 8/5/05

As a teenager, my best friend Debbie had a huge crush on a handsome, young police officer. One evening a peeping tom looked into her bedroom window. Debbie was totally freaked out so her mother called the police. And who would respond to the call? None other than her "heart-throb" police officer, of course. Debbie, who normally would have tried so hard to impress Mr. Police Officer with her "maturity," instead fainted into a heap ... right at her heart-throb's feet. (True story)
---DoryLory on 8/4/05

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part3..then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.
---lorie4334 on 8/4/05


The monkey answered,
20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, you will live for 20 years."

The man answered,
"God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough,give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog refused and the 10 years that the monkey refused." God did, and since then, Men live 20 years like a man,
---lorie4334 on 8/4/05

part 1
God created the donkey and told him,
"you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!"

The donkey answered,
"50 is too much, give me only 20 years."
And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him,
" and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!"

The dog answered,
25 years is too much, give me only 10."
God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey
"and you will live 20 years
---lorie4334 on 8/4/05

ann dont feel bad a peeping tom came to my window stood there for 5 min and left then returned with a friend, the second peeping tom said you are right to the first peeping tom. then both men left and returned with a third peeping tom, the third man started laughting,and said " you are right man", "you CANT tell her front from her back.".......
---lorie4334 on 8/4/05

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A peeping tom came to my place, looked in my window, reached in & pulled the blind DOWN...
---Ann5758 on 8/4/05

You're right Eloy. People who are in good cheer need less pain meds as well.
And one very important aspect is that laughing massages the liver and cleanses the body of toxins.
I get my first laugh of the day when I get up and look into the mirror!
---NVBarbara on 8/4/05

At our hospital, we have what's called the "Giggle Gallery"'s a room up on the 7th floor, I think it is, where, if you're a patient, you can go there and watch comedy videos, read funny books, or just visit and enjoy a good laugh. I think it's a great retrospect, I wish I had made use of it when I was stuck in hosp for 18 days.
---Ann5758 on 8/4/05

anon, laughter is good medicine. Research was done in a hospital where they brought in clowns and showed comedians on tv, and they found that patients who laughed frequently healed more quickly and were discharged sooner, compared to those who did not laugh which had the same illnesses. They think it has something to do with releasing endorphins and alleviating stress.
---Eloy on 8/4/05

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You know how I can tell how fat I am? I stand naked in front of a mirror, lift my foot, stomp down really hard on the floor, and wait to see how long it takes for the jiggling to stop.......
---Ann5758 on 8/3/05

I tried to rescue Cleveland today but my cape got snagged on a fence.

It was the second time I lost a city. The first one was Houston.
---Captain_Fred on 8/3/05

You heard from son of Slappy? This is very rare! We haven't heard from him in years. He used to be thin back in the day.
---onions on 8/3/05

That made me laugh!
---John on 8/3/05

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Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied,
"Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
---lorie4334 on 8/3/05

part 1
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
"Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered,
"Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.

He exclaimed,
"Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied,
---lorie4334 on 8/3/05

You're a treat Slappy!
Moving right along.... anybody with skinny leg jokes?
I was a runner in Jr.& Sr. high school, went to college on a Track and Field Scholorship.
However, I have always been thin, and even though they were muscular, I always had thin legs.

My Dad was a hoot!
He used to ask me if those were my legs or if I was riding a chicken!
---NVBarbara on 8/3/05

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