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How To Find A Marry Counselor

I've been married 5 years now. I want kids-wife doesn't. She denies me all the time those intamacies that married couples enjoy. We didn't even consummate our marraige. I bring up the subject & she cries. Obviously, we can't divorce, so what do I do?

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 ---Zachary on 8/1/05
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If you have not even consummated your marriage after five years, your wife may need individual therapy for some deeply rooted issues. I suggest you ask your family doctor for the name of one covered by your insurance. If you don't have insurance, see if your local area as a mental health clinic.
---Madison on 12/30/07

Until I was in my early 20's, just the thought of fathering babies was out of the picture. Why? My foster folks had a hand in raising 57 of us, and most of us were sick babies. And because of this, it was my thought all babies cried all night and were sick. I didn't want any. Could the same be true in your situation? Could something in the background of your wife have influenced her not wanting to have kids or a close relationship with you?
---WIVV on 8/25/05

Hello all-a MIRACLE has happened. I asked the pastor to lay hands on Adrienne 2 Sundays ago @ altar call....SHE'S HEALED!! No more depression that we can tell. As proof, well......let's just say that I wasn't denied the physical joys of marraige. Praise GOD & thank you to all the prayer warriors out there.
---Zachary on 8/16/05

Zachary--I appreciate you being such a man about this whole thing. Looks like Adrienne has a good man in you. I don't know anything about bi-polar disorder, but I pray for healing and wholeness nonetheless. Pease to you.
---Arnold on 8/8/05

Moderator-We go to a holiness church that believes in all aspects of God's word. Tongues, laying on of hands, everything. We've been going there since B4 we were married. That's where we met was at revival when we were 10. I am about to ask Pastor to lay hands on Adrienne at alter call this Sunday and pray for the best. Should I? Maybe this is a demon that's causing this that needs to be cast out. All I want is to see my baby laughing & smiling again.

Moderator - Whether it is demonic, a chemical imbalance or past hurts, yes have someone that has prayed, fasted and has the gift of healing lay hands on her and pray for the healing in anyway that the Holy Spirit leads. I would recommend that you guys pray, fast and read healing scriptures before going.
---Zachary on 8/5/05

This has been very hard for me. I now know what Adrienne is taking so at least I can start to do some research of my own. I'm no shrink, but meds shouldn't make you dead to the world when you take them. Thank so much for the prayers. If there are any mental health workers here who can give some insight into all of this, I welcome your 2cents.

Moderator - Yes, the wrong meds can make you a zombie or the other extreme make you feel anger. Are you at a church that believes in the power of God to heal through prayer and fasting?
---Zachary on 8/4/05

Zachary, I admire you. Your love and dedication are really an inspiration. I might mention that antipsychotics (in particular) are bad about producing that zombie-like state, but so are antidepressants for that matter. Try to get the medicines adjusted properly, if you can. It still won't be easy for the two of you, but I'm glad for you nonetheless. No one ever said love was easy, but not many things worth doing are. Bless you both.
---Billy on 8/4/05

Zachary: Has your wife been in individual therapy? I have worked with people with bipolar disorder and am well aware of their needs. Therapy AND medication are the keys. There are going to be times when the medications need adjusting. That is why regular visits to the psychiatrist are needed. But, psychotherapy is also necessary for her to discuss her sexual dysfunction.
---Madison on 8/3/05

Moderator, medication and therapy is the recommended treatment for bipolar disorder. If someone with bipolar disorder is not medicated the consequences could be disasterous.

Therapy is usually to help the client learn new ways of coping with the symptoms that come up in spite of the medications, as well as learn how to relate to the outside world in a healthier way.

Moderator - I agree medication is usually required, however the wrong medicine or wrong combination can be even worse. Adjusting the medicine properly has the potential of having a large effect.
---Madison on 8/3/05

Moderator-Adrienne is bi-polar and is on heavyduty medications. Her phychiatrist has her on 2 different anti-depressants and an anti-psychotic, so she takes like 3-4 different pills at any given time. I am wondering now if she is on too much medicine and this is just a reaction to the meds. She & her doc have been trying to adjust her meds for a while now.

Moderator - You better believe those types of medicines can cause bad side effects. Have you tried a 2nd or 3rd opinion from other doctors. Has anyone got to the root of the problem versus medicine?
---Zachary on 8/3/05

I also want to say that we've known each other since we were both 10. B-days 4 days apart & we're both 30 now. So I've known Adrienne 4 a long time. She used to be so bright and spunky. Now, it's like I am married to a zombie. Could it be her meds or is it just me?

Moderator - Meds for what?
---Zachary on 8/3/05

Adrienne & I are both Americans. I just want to make it clear to everyone that she is not leaving me. I won't allow it. She made vows and I intend to see to it she keeps them. I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but I want to be with my wife and I'll do whatever it takes to see her smile again.
---Zachary on 8/3/05

Zachary, I dont mean to sound rude but is there any chance she married you for your money or some kind of financial security or residency into the country? Its hard to understand someone can change overnight so as not even to consumate the wedding and then doesn't want to discuss matters so cries. I think the cards need to come out onto the table and some tough talk and action. If she doesnt agree to work it out, you may need to look at annuling while you still can.
---lisa on 8/3/05

I am not leaving my wife. She made vows B4 God, me, and 300 witnesses to stay with me till death. I'm keeping my end of the deal & I want to do what I can to ensure she keeps her ends of things as well. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have married her, so this has to work out.
---Zachary on 8/3/05

I'm sorry about your mom, Madison. I know what it's like. The emotional upheaval was constant. Whenever she had time alone to brood, she got irrational, and it was impossible to guess what she'd be thinking by the end of the day. I literally never knew if I'd be met with a kiss, a curse, or a fit of crying. She was obsessed with sex, wanted it several times every day (even to the point of being painful), and yet was never satisfied with it. After a while I hated it.
---Billy on 8/3/05

Remember you have needs also Zachary. Bipolar illness is difficult to live with and to treat. Sometimes they are hyper/sometimes depressed. You are on an emotional roller-coaster also. Self becomes the focus of the bipolar's world. Hopefully your wife is in therapy and on medication; however, many go off their medication due to side effects. Unfortunately, you will have to think thru your desire to stay with her. Seek God and His counsel as well as professional help for yourself also.
---Elsie on 8/3/05

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Billy: Your statements about bipolar disorder are pretty on target. My mom is bipolar and she has always been very difficult to have a relationship with. My childhood was the worst because of it. She didn't leave my father because she could not support herself, much less us kids, on her own.

I do know that she was sexually abused at the age of 5, and was not at all interested in sex as a result. How she had four kids is a mystery to me.
---Madison on 8/2/05

The Roman Catholic Church will annul a marriage where there has been no consummation ... that is like saying the marriage never took place.
I think most churches will say the same.
In the UK non-consummation is grounds for divorce, if not annulment
---Alan8869_of_UK on 8/2/05

But Zachary, you do have a right to expect certain things from your marriage. If you've never consummated your relationship, then it's possible (by most interpretations of Scripture), to get an annulment. That's not the same thing as divorce, and it would be as if you never married at all. You may not want that, because I know you love this woman, but if she didn't want sex, kids, or any other sort of intimacy with you, why did she marry you at all? God bless you both.
---Billy on 8/2/05

My point is, there are only limited things you can do about this. A structured, predictable environment with no surprises and little stress can help. So can psychotherapy. But you need to be prepared for the harsh fact that none of that may work. Can you bear this situation, the way it is now, for the rest of your life? You very well might have to, if she chooses to stay with you. She might not, because bipolar patients have a long history of eventually leaving partners who don't leave them first.
---Billy on 8/2/05

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My wife was bipolar too. It's very, very hard to have a close relationship with a bipolar person. I'm a Christian counselor myself and even I couldn't make it work, in spite of all the love, patience, knowledge and prayer in the world. They tend to have a real problem with intimacy of any kind, and even meds don't cure it completely. After five years of marriage she ended up deserting me with two small children to raise by myself, because she said she just couldn't handle it anymore.
---Billy on 8/2/05

Zachary: It is good that your wife is taking meds for her bipolar disorder. But, is she in psychotherapy? She still needs to be in therapy to get to the bottom of the sexual dysfunction that exists.
---Madison on 8/2/05

Hi Zachary,
Pray together over this, for the both of you. Ask God to guide you to what to do. Ask her if she would be willing to get some counciling. That you still love her and will support her. Explain that this is hard on you, and something needs to be done. Let her know you will be there for her and are willing to see this through.
---Linda3939 on 8/1/05

My wife is bi-polar, she follows her meds regularly w/o any other problems. I just don't know what the problem is. She was so happy from the 1st day I met her till now. I don't know what the deal is--I want to see her smile again. I try to ease into the subject and then here come the waterworks. I'm at a loss, so any suggestions will be considered & prayed on.
---Zachary on 8/1/05

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The problem your wife has is a lot more than just not wanting to have children. As far as divorce, in most states you can obtain an annulment of the marriage simply because it has never been consummated. Is your wife on mental health meds?
---Sally on 8/1/05

Zachary sounds to me like your wife may have some psychological problems from her past, maybe due to abuse if i were you i would ask her to see a Christian Councellor...i am right now ministering to a young lady that this happened to and she has really changed a lot but mostly Prayer is the key and God will change things , you just believe and keep the faith.
---Lea on 8/1/05

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