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Humor Blog #6

We're getting too close to the bottom and are lost in the shuffle. How about it dear Moderator. HUMOR BLOG #6!

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 ---NVBarbara on 8/19/05
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An older, country fellow went to the city for the first time in his life with his wife and son. While she was shopping, he and his son saw a dumpy, old gal go into a little room. The doors shut and numbers above the doors lit up one by one. After a few minutes, the doors opened and out walked the most beautiful woman the fellow had ever seen! He didn't take his eyes off her; he just said, "Boy, go git yer ma."
---Jeffrey on 9/14/07

Ann, my coffee won't patch your roof but it will make the rain turn and go the other way.
We had ta dig a well one time and poured a cup on the dig site. We ended up with a well that had no bottom. Started bringing up junk that said "Made in China."
I wonder whata get when if ya live in and buy cheap stuff in China?
---Elder on 9/17/05

Ah, like 'back here', I got that now!
Yeppers Ann, I'm a settin rah cheer in my chur.
Its the week end, have a goodern y'all!
---NVBarbara on 9/16/05

More definitions:
"choke"....a funny story.
"loft"...enjoyed the choke.
"historical" & loft & loft &......
---Ann5758 on 9/16/05

Ann, yer a funny one rah cheer.
---Eloy on 9/16/05

Definition: "Rah Cheer"- to indicate this place right where we are. Example: Y'all kin put that table down rah cheer.
---Ann5758 on 9/16/05

Example of the word "Bacare" in a sentence.

I'm sorry, I would buy some meat off your truck, but my freezer bacare is slap full!

This was actually said to me while I was working a route when I first moved to North Carolina.
We also had routes in South Carolina and you could drive in broad day light for miles and miles and not see another car. I thought I was in the desert.

So fegattaboutit!
---John on 9/16/05

I've been spending a good deal of time at one of the Salvation Army centers and haven't been online much. Keep praying all, so many sad people.
I'm thinking of all of you loonies! You're in my prayers, I love all of you!
---NVBarbara on 9/16/05

You know that Kit Kat candy bars has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! They have come up with a clever chocolate saving technique!
I'm gonna go down to the Kit Kat factory and say, "Hey, you owe me some letters!" It only seems fair!
---NVBarbara on 9/16/05

Barb, i'm with John, Yo wazzup wit da funny girl? i'm missin' yer funny stuff. Like you say, let's "git 'er done".
-luv ya sis.
---Eloy on 9/16/05

Yo slick you're on your own for 'bacare' don't know dat one, unless I'm sayin' it wrong.
C-ment you schumtz is what the 'family' makes shoes out of and fits dem real tight if one of da boys gets out of hand. Den day let him try to take a swim in da East Rivah, it sorta feels like grits, with about as much flavah! Savvy?
---NVBarbara on 9/16/05

My brother's sleeping pills had a warning on the label "Danger..may cause drowsiness".... duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....ain't that the point?
---Ann5758 on 9/15/05

Yo, what's up yous guys? What are you dooin? Snap out of it kids. We need some more huma on dis blog. If you don't start gettin funny again I'm sendin da boys down from NY. Der all comedians. After all it's da Huma Blog. By da way what is C-ment? I had a grit once. What does bacare mean? Barbara help me out here, comeon. I was on the Charlotte speedway track once and asked directions for turn 5. Comeon. I have a photographic memory, and never repeat myself. What is C-ment.
---John on 9/15/05

Have you ever noticed that on some medications, they try and hide the worst side effects in the middle of the disclaimer?
---John on 9/15/05

I just graduated from "Redneck U". My last school in NY was "Whatsamatta U".
---John on 9/15/05

How many rednecks does it take to find wild game? Three-one to grab the shovel & two to watch for traffic.....Granny Clampett, eat yer heart out..!!!!! Aunt Hairy thought she'd make rabbit stew fer supper one day, but Uncle Wort wouldn't have none of it-he hates to find "hare" in his stew. Elder, send some of that coffee down my way-got a hole in my roof needs patchin' it any good for soaking bunions?
---Ann5758 on 9/14/05

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I can't imagine you making a normal meal, Olie.
I bet you like to cook possum inerds.
---tabby on 9/14/05

I got hit on the head once, and for a day I was making normal meals. I hit my head again the next day and I'm back to my old self!
Maybe I'll open up a restaurant, right next to the emergency clinic.
---Olie on 9/14/05

You should try one of my home made sausages. They are to die for! Only eat em for breakfast, cause you'll need the time to release some stuff thats been backed up for a long time. This is only if you have some free time of course. Jimmy Dean, move over! Or somethins gonna move.
---Olie on 9/14/05

Went to a Chinese restuarant the other day, opened up a fortune cookie and it read, "Help I'm trapped in a chinese cookie factory!"
I would have sent help but they never said the location of the factory, so I ate the cookie and left a tip.
---JP on 9/14/05

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Ok, here's a little of my dry humor. Question: What is cold as ice and hard as a rock? answer: the letter of the law. question: What is sweet as honey and smooth as milk? answer: the spirit of grace.
---Eloy on 9/13/05

Did somebody say somethin about Brownies? I make a mean Bear Brick Brownie! You can only eat one though. Believe me, you ain't gonna get a chance to eat two. I cannot reveal the ingredients, I promised the Government, but it will sure get er done in the intestinal plumbing department! Now that's somethin Elder could pave his drive with. Just walking on it people would be slippin and stinkin and stuff.
---Olie on 9/12/05

Oh Yeah! I know exactly what you mean. When I was in the Army in southeast asia I slipped a large amount of a certain ingrediant in the cooks spaghetti sauce. It was definately a day to remember! Willie would be proud.
---John on 9/12/05

Yeah John, I hear Willie makes great 'brownies!' (Remember the brownies of the 60's and 70's?)
---NVBarbara on 9/12/05

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Tabby, that's funny.
---Eloy on 9/12/05

He must have gotten his recipes from that Nelson Bible. I'm talkin about "Willie Nelson's cookin Bible."
---John on 9/11/05

Olie, Be careful with your cooking, I hear it will burn a hole in 3in. thick steel.

---Tabby on 9/11/05

Before I was saved I put on a job application that I spoke cursing as a second language.
When I did get a job, I was the guy who put CUS in CUSTOMER SERVICE.
Four letter words were my forte!
---John on 9/11/05

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Barbara, I wouldn't shoot myself or anybody else. I'm a peaceful feller. I did'nt even retort to Elder's manure joke. I do like one of my good home cookin meals though. That's dangerous enough!
---Olie on 9/11/05

Is that the same Rev. Hogg with the twin daughters, Ima and Eura?
He's well known in Vegas!
---NVBarbara on 9/10/05

Olie, you'll need that shotgun, you may want to shoot yourself after drinking Elder's coffee!
Just go out and lick your driveway, you'll get the same effect. :)
---NVBarbara on 9/10/05

Joe: "I was called into Rev. Justis H.R. Hogg's office today."

Ken: " What did he want?'

Joe: "He wanted me to find out who stole the churches money, $3000 to be exact."

Ken: "No kidding, what does the H.R. supposed to stand for?"

Joe: "Holy Roller, I guess. Why do you ask?

Ken: "I think it stands for High Roller, because I just saw him go into a Casino with $3000."
---John on 9/10/05

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Elder, I wouldn't mind trying a cup of that coffee. I'll have to bring my shotgun though just to keep the flies down of course. God bless you bro!
---Olie on 9/10/05

Olie wasn't there supposed to be an "a" in your word where you put an "e" and didn't you leave the "r" out also?
(I was gonna post my Labor Day menue,)
If I am right you qualify for a cup of my coffee. Hey it keeps the flies off the horses.
---Elder on 9/9/05

You're a trip Ann!
If not Mr. Right, Mr. Alright? Ah don't just settle for anybody, we just celebrated our 2nd anniversary, I'm 56 and my husband Steve is 62!
(NOT to be confused with the Steve who writes bizzare questions and remarks on the other blogs!)
---NVBarbara on 9/7/05

Right now, at my particular stage of life, I wouldn't mind being in a small confined area with ANY type of guy. I've stopped looking for "Mr.Right" I'm looking for "Mr.He'll do."......
---Ann5758 on 9/7/05

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I'm sure I speak for all of us Olie---MANY THANKS!!
---NVBarbara on 9/7/05

A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.

He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
---Marti on 9/7/05

I KNOW I don't want to be in a small confined area with a fat guy! Really wouldn't want anybody in that MRI machine with me! At least they give you headphones with elevator music playing! You can close your eyes and pretend you're in an elevator, not really much better is it?
---NVBarbara on 9/6/05

I was gonna post my Labor Day menue, but it was too disgusting to announce to you good folks. I really don't think that your ready to see this. let's just say that alka seltzer is a must after this meal. Why do we take this abuse? Because we like stink bait and hot sauce in our recipe's. We bein the Redneck boys from Lancaster. Get er done!
---Olie on 9/5/05

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Coming home from the base while still dressed in his Army uniform, a man stopped at the grocery store.

While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy who took one look at his uniform and his eyes grew wide. The man gave the boy a salute. The boy excitedly pointed and announced to his mother," Look, Mom! A giant Boy Scout!"
---Andi on 9/5/05

No, Elder, "claustrophobia" is a fear of Santa, period.....or being in a small confined area with Santa....
---Ann5758 on 9/3/05

nvBarbara, "clautrophobic" that is a fear of not being Santa, right?
I went to a full service Gas Station yesterday and asked the attendant for a dollars worth of gas. He took my money, burped and walked away.
---Elder on 9/3/05

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and went to the insurance office to file a disability claim.

As the adjustor scanned the claim form, he did a double take.

Under "Reason unable to work," she had written: "Can't stand to cook."
---Jas on 9/2/05

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I spelled that wrong, don't chide me Elder!
Claustraphobic--that looks better, not worth looking up, you get the drift!
I wrote that at 3 AM, way past my correct spelling time.
---NVBarbara on 9/2/05

I'm going to get a MRI tomorrow.
Nothing is wrong with me, I just want to find out if I'm clautrophobic!
---NVBarbara on 9/1/05

Calm down John! I'm sure the women are doing the work getting ready for the wedding! You'll never loose 'your little girl," try to relax and enjoy it!
You worry too much!
---NVBarbara on 8/31/05

Love that Marty! Did they give you a free movie at least? :)
---NVBarbara on 8/31/05

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Sorry, I replied to the wrong blog on my last one. I'm really tired and it's been a long day. Forgive me. I need that vacation but I don't have time, wedding is coming up. Maybe a ladder as a pre wedding gift. What happened to Alan? His daughter was supposed to get married. Now I'm really a wreck!
---John on 8/31/05

I'm not sure what's going on but a Pastor friend of ours told us that his neighbor who is in the gasoline business told him to fill up his vehicles. Because of the hurricane they may not be able to get gas up here to NC. We filled our vehichels and some gas cans last night at $2.69.9 Today it's up to $3.00 a gal. and there are lines at the pump. A few stations ran out of gas already. The flood area victims need our prayers and financial support. When there is a need we must fill it.
---John on 8/31/05

Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due to be returned by noon the next day ... they mean it!"
---Marty on 8/31/05

I grew up near a place called Bear Mountain, NY, and we had real incounters with bears, and they don't respond to humor. You can really get their attention though. I still miss camping. When my son was 5 years old we used to get a topographical map and a compass and hit the trails. Tent camping is the best. My daughter that's getting married in October put on their wedding invitations that in a year they are moving to Oregon and that has been my hearts desire to live there. Looks like it might happen.
---John on 8/30/05

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OK, 2 antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellant!
---NVBarbara on 8/30/05

You're right, Barbara..and if people don't start coming back soon, I'll send Aunt Hairy around and give them all whisker burns.....
---Ann5758 on 8/30/05

Hey! Where is everybody? Are we closing down the Humor blog?
There is a lonely echo in here that needs to be filled with laughter! I know I need a break from the seriousness!
---NVBarbara on 8/30/05

"Aunt Hairy?" It may take some therapy to get that image out of my mind!
Oy, I think I'll go wax my legs!
---NV_Barbara on 8/27/05

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Gee, I go to an "all-you-can-eat" buffet...the waiter hands me a little plateful and says "There-that's all you can eat- pay up the 10 bucks." Uncle Wort up north decided he would try to eat like the eskimos,and heard they eat whale meat & blubber. Well, after trying the whale meat, he knows why they blubber. Aunt Hairy was told by her drink 8 glasses of water after a hot bath, but after drinking the hot bath, she didn't feel like 8 glasses of water.
---Ann5758 on 8/26/05

Laughing out loud John! Have a GREAT week-end! Love ya' bro.
---NVBarbara on 8/26/05

If they have buffet's in Reno, they are in trouble!
Reminds me of Vito up north. He could eat a business into bankruptcy in 30 days.
When an "all you can eat" restaurant sees him coming they lock the doors. Especially Chinese restaurants. Vito's got a history with them. They call him chin tso, which means..."You crazy American, if you come back here I bring you to China to work off 1000 meals! I make you a water ride for kids, call you, 'Whale Boy' You go home now!"
---John on 8/26/05

Ginger lived in a small mountain town where bears were a regular nuisance. One night she was awoken by the familiar shuffling noise and decided to take action. Dressed in her nightgown, she crept down the stairs and made her way to the front door. Then she threw open the door and began barking like a dog. She stopped to listen, and after a pause, a small voice said, "Gee Lady, you sure know how to scare a guy."

It was the paperboy.
---Jojoby on 8/25/05

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A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "what was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows What Jesus' father's name was?" One kid stood up and answered "Verge." Confused the teacher asked,"where did you get theat?" The kid said,"Well, you know they are always talking about "Verge n' Mary!"
---NVBarbara on 8/25/05

Why Slappy, I am hurt! You were in Vegas and didn't tell me! We would have at least taken you out to dinner!

We go to Reno to see friends often. I LOVE being pampered at the "Peppermill!" We always stay there when we're up that way.

Happy to see you Slappy! You've been missed!
---NVBarbara on 8/25/05

What's happening kid's? Just flew in from Vegas, boy are my arms tired! Kaboom! I know that one is ancient but it still works.

My son is in Reno and he's learning. I told him to do anything he wanted, just don't mention my name. He's a little on the heavy side, like a side of beef. While on stage he sweats so much they have to pass out boots just to have a show. He doesn't use a towel, he uses a horse blanket.
I'm being korny and I'm tired. God bless! Don't take any wooden nickels.
---Slappy on 8/24/05

Take a good LONG nap blondie boy!
Believe me I DO understand! Being blonde does have its disadvantages! Love ya' bro.
---NVBarbara on 8/24/05

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i must have been tired today or my blondness was getting in the way again, because i was scanning the employment section of the newspaper, and one ad for a job read, "M-F, 8-5 and pay is doe." And at first i thought it meant they were asking for a Male or Female from 8 to 5 and will be paid cash, then i realized - duh! - it was Monday thru Friday and the pay was Depending On Experience.
---Eloy on 8/24/05

Good one Ann.
---Eloy on 8/24/05

LOVE the 'old man' joke Eloy!
And I guess we both can get a giggle from the blonde joke!
---NVBarbara on 8/24/05

Old farmer weds sweet young thing.Head off in a mule-drawn wagon.Down the road, mule stops-won't move.Farmer gets out,looks at mule & says"That's 1."Head off again.Down the road,mule stops again.Farmer gets out,looks at mule & says"That's 2."Head off again.Bit farther,mule sits down in the road-will not move.Farmer gets out,says"That's 3."gets his gun & kills mule daid.Sweet young thing says"Why you kill that mule?"Farmer looks at her and says"That's 1."
---Ann5758 on 8/23/05

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A guy took his blonde date to her first football game. Afterwards he asked how she liked it. "Oh, i liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." He asked what she meant. "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
---Eloy on 8/23/05

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
---Eloy on 8/23/05

This joke had me laughing for 3 days because it reminds me of myself. If you want to know what type of person I am, I am just like this husband!

Tired of the drive from the local airport to his country cottage, a man had his small plane equipped with pontoons so he could land on the lake, near the cottage.

On his next trip, out of habit, the man approached the airport, preparing to land. His wife cried out in alarm, "You can't land the plane here without wheels!"
---DoryLory on 8/22/05

The startled husband abruptly yanked the nose up, narrowly avoiding certain disaster. He then proceeded to the lake and landed the plane without mishap. Visibly shaken, he sat in the plane for a moment, trying to calm his nerves and regain his composure. "I don't know what got into me," he said to his wife. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door, stepped out out of the plane ... and fell right into the water.
---DoryLory on 8/22/05

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Think again Elder. Would you want Slappy as a pappy? Fat son of Slappy, Slappy Jr.? I'm more happy NOT having Slappy as a pappy. Son of Slappy talks too much, so often they call him Yappy, or Nappy 'cause he sleeps a lot!
I'd rather be daughter (sister?) of Elder and be called 'Elderina!'
---NVBarbara on 8/21/05

That was good, Elder, now I am also happy!
---Jojn on 8/21/05

Slappy is a Pappy? That should make the son of Slappy happy.
---Elder on 8/21/05

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