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Husband Talks About Past Wives

I was recently married, and we are senior citizens. My husband consistantly talks about his 2 ex-wives. I confronted him about it last night and he insists that he is just talking and means nothing negative about it. What are your thoughts if a spouse refers to his past by his past marriages?

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 ---Debbie on 8/24/05
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Ann: My heart and prayers go out to you. This is your 3rd marriage and you got stuck again. At his age, I doubt if he will ever change. I would not even think about marriage again,if this one does not pan out. At 75, he should be glad to have any type woman at his side. As we age, we depreciate, just like cars and other material things.Ain't nobody beating down his door to get to him. Not for love,romance and the things that matter in life. He should be grateful.
---Robyn on 7/1/10

One of the problems with old age is that the brain's ability to form new memories slowly deteriorates - so often, as one grows older, it becomes easier to remember what you did 20 years ago than what you did last week. So it's no wonder that older people tend to increasingly reminisce about the past - because they can remember it better than the present.
---StrongAxe on 6/29/10

I think that the idea of divorcing a wife which you are unhappy with is foolish. The best thing to do is marry another and keep the original. Just be sure to give the kids fair inheritance.

Deuteronomy 21:15 If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated, and they have born him children, [both] the beloved and the hated, and [if] the firstborn son be hers that was hated:

Deuteronomy 21:16 Then it shall be, when he maketh his sons to inherit [that] which he hath, [that] he may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated, [which is indeed] the firstborn:
---francis on 6/28/10

Undoubtedly, the ex's weren't all that great. Or the husband/wife would still be with them.

if they weren't "all that great" then why does he incessantly talk about them?

like many who divorce on a whim today

too many people (men and women) disrespect themselves by marrying a spouse who has had multiple divorces - if they divorced their spouses because "they weren't all that great" then you CAN BET the same for you

if marriage were not a recreational sport like many treat it and FIND a suitable mate rather than ANY MATE for the sake of being married they may find they can honor and cherish their marriage vows

maybe the vows should be never talk about one's past
---Rhonda on 6/27/10

Put him in his place,gently at first. Then be firmer if he does not get the hint, after that. Let him know he does not have to refer back to those ex wives. He is married to you now and thats all that matters. Let bygones be bygones. Sometimes it might slip up but he has no reason to bring these ex's up everyday.
This is why a lot of divorced people often divorce several times. Leave the past where it belongs--the past. Concentrate on the beautiful/handsome man/woman that you remarried. Then build on that. Undoubtedly, the ex's weren't all that great. Or the husband/wife would still be with them. Life goes on after divorce. Try to forget it as quickly-as possible.
---Robyn on 6/26/10

There is nothing really wrong with that.
These are people in his past whom he loved dearly, and lost for one reason or another.

I am not convinced that people actualy stop loving each other. They may stop having certain types of relationships.
But how an one stop love?

You may find it a bit disrespectful at time, or maybe a fit of jealusly come up at times, but I think it is best for him and you that he talks about his past openly, otherwise he may revisit it secretly. wink wink
---francis on 5/24/10

Debbie, I'm glad you have resolved this issue. May God continue to bless you both with unending love for and acceptance of each other. Remember that we are all who & what we are because of our past. Amen.
---fay on 5/19/10

I think it is very unfair to you if he discusses or talks about his past wives.
You should speak to him and both of you should forget the past and live a new life.
Discussions should be about the future in which it is only the 2 of you.
---R on 5/19/10

I am also a senior [67] and this is my third husband and he also speaks of his former wives,and how badly they treated him.We have been married 13yrs.and I know why they did what they did. He is 75 and we do nothing together except go to church.He works part-time and never thinks of me.I do bowl and do other things,but nothing with him.He also always talks of when he was in high school,the past is more inportant then the present.
---ann on 6/10/09

even senior citizens think marriage will somehow magically be different then prior to marriage

your husband always talked about all these ex-wives when you were dating this didn't just mysteriously happen overnight once you became married ....and now you want him to stop something you allowed prior to marriage

marriages work when spouses stop trying to change the other spouse and mold them into something they want ...if you didn't like him talking about his ex-wives prior to marriage why did you marry him?

you should respect someones past ...if you choose to marry someone who has had many years with a spouse it would be impossible to not discuss their spouse who is part of their past
---Rhonda on 11/3/08

Sometimes it helps them to talk about their ex wives. I am going with a man who lost 2 wives with cancer. I help him by listening and showing empathy. He also talks about his x wife who divorced him. I allow him to talk freely and that is what he needs to do.
---Jan on 11/3/08

The troubles of this world. You are unlucky enough to have to deal with this. My husband was married before also. He respects me too much to deliberately bring up the other wife. He has never disrespected me in this way. For that I am grateful.
This is a form of disrespect and you need to tell him to stop! It is hurtful and painful to always hear him doing this.Is this negative or positive talk? If he speaks in glowing terms about these ex's, he is probably trying to make you jealous, in some sadistic way. Does he compliment you often and speak well of you? I hope so.If not-this is especially disrespectful and hurtful for you.
---Robyn on 9/11/08

It may just be a habit that he will drop in a few years. When thinking back, we have a tendency only to remember the positive things concerning any event. Does he only do this when he is up-set with you about something? But regardless, it will probably become a thing of the past before long. In the meantime, I would ask him, point blank so he doesn't misunderstand, not to talk about his past wives in your presence.(You also might think of ways to make him forget his past wives.)
---WIVV on 3/29/07

Problem solved! God bless you both Debbie!
Some things that seem difficult, end up being easy to remedy!
God bless, 'barba7434.'
---NVBarbara on 8/26/05

I sat down & in a loving way, told him how I felt. He apologized and admitted, it would hurt him if I did the same about my ex's a lot. I met him on this site and he is the most Godly, wonderful, caring man that I've ever met. Thanks.
---Debbie on 8/26/05

Greetings Debbie..
my take on this is that as you are living your life with him, you will be making 'new and fresh' memories together. Then before you know it, he'll be saying, "Honey,
do you remember when.....?" You have nothing to worry about! He loves you! God's Blessings on you!
---Mary_D on 8/26/05

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Don't feel silly Debbie, we all have things that rub us the wrong way. Its just something we need to tend to so we don't get bitter. Happy marriage sis! I just married 2 years ago, I'm 56, my honey is 62, we're making the most of our time together.God bless you both.
---NVBarbara on 8/25/05

I too have a husband who has been married before. It used to bother me when he talked about her until I realized she is part of his PAST LIFE. And we all tend to talk about our past to some extent. Hang in there, and in my experience time will make mention of past wives get fewer and farther between.
---zona on 8/25/05

He talks about the bad mostly, but there are some good times he talks about too. Says he thought he was sharing his past with me. Of course, with this paranoia, I've had 2 ex-husbands who were adulterers!! Thanks to all of you...I feel better..and a bit silly too.
---Debbie on 8/25/05

Debbie, as long as he is not speaking of them in comparison to you, I'd ignore it.
I know that could be difficult. Perhaps tell him that you feel you are being compared and it hurts you, if that is the case.
You could make a point to sit calmly and ask him to tell you ALL about his exs, get it all in the open, then ask him to please not speak of them again. God bless sis.
---NVBarbara on 8/25/05

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This is the second marriage for both my husband and I. When he USE to talk about his ex, I use to remind him, he's not married to her...but to me!It made me feel uncomfortable. I tried my best NOT to bring up my ex in any conversation. I didnt see the point in it. Maybe it was harmless when he talked about her,but if it can be avoided, then let's avoid it!I still feel the same way now. We've been married almost 27 years, happy as can be! Ex's are just that....someone in the past! God knows all about it!
---Peggy on 8/24/05

I am remarried to a widower and it doesn't bother me in the least when he talks about 'Emily'. As a matter of fact, I was her pastor and friend, so it's nice to reminish.
However, I'm not sure how he feels when I talk about my ex husband(s) because they are both alive. One is the father of my children, the other was an alcholic so there are memorable events from both. I would say, too, it is a normal thing to talk of the past so don't be too concerned.
---Frona7335 on 8/24/05

My personal opinion is that your husband is displaying 'normal' behaviour. History has its place, and it is only natural that he would want to discuss these things with you as you are his wife. It is normal too for him to reminisce. Don't take it as a presonal affront. You are his wife now, the others are, as you say, ex-wives. From the outside looking in, what have you to worry about then?
---Chris on 8/24/05

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