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Mummy Will Not Hug Me

What do I do when my own mother (88) feeds/hugs/loves any and everybody...except me? I'm like the "scapegoat". Siblings live out of state.

Moderator - Why are you a scapegoat? Chances are she will not change at age 88. Is she a Christian?

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 ---anonymous on 10/1/05
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hello,Family..I never had a hug never after 3yr. old! My parents divorced & my mother "wore" her heart on her years look'n to see if our dad was comimg back! No,he never did! Sad for me,I caught the brunt of Mom's wrathshe "you look like your father!" she longed for him come back... he never did.I got blame for his deserting "us!"My life sad for long..christ only help!Love of Jesus!
---ELENA on 10/28/11

You accept it..youre an adult ,shes an old lady who wont change now.Or you could take the the initiative and hug her.
---David on 4/18/08

I'm young and my moms not 88 and she is a christian. She doesnt give hugs when i need one and when I told her that and she said, "OooOoh, come here honey. "But I said "No!" She only did that because I told her. Every time I try to give her a hug and say I love you she'll say come on don't hang on me! I know she cares but she doesn't show it!
---addy on 4/28/06

I know how hurtful it can be when you need to be hugged and even your parents won't hug you. My parents didn't hug me and never told me that they loved me either. I have conquered that by telling my daughter as many times a day as possible that I love her very much and she hugs me back and tells me she loves me too. Compensation for all the hugs lost. give your love to your kids, husband, the needy and God of course and you will be comforted.
---Josephine on 10/25/05

nvBarb, thanks sister Barb, i needed that. Ok now Goliath, i'm more then ready for ya now. Bring it on and make my day, i'm just itching to kick your loser devil but.
---Eloy on 10/23/05

My mother wasn't comfortable hugging me either nor was my father. I just hugged them anyway. n.s.5684
---nancy on 10/23/05

(((((((((Eloy)))))))) You got it bro!
---NVBarbara on 10/9/05

Don't demand that she "do" certain things, communicate what you love and what makes you happy. Show your love to her and accept how she may choose to reveal hers to you. Communication (including non-verbal) is important. God holds, loves, hugs, leads us even before we realized it, yet if we demand that He let us go, He in love respects that choice.
---Wayne87 on 10/8/05

Different cultures and families show affection in different ways. Forced affection tends to be counter-productive. I grew up in a very loving and close family, yet kissing/hugging were not prominent. This may have been because at that time "evil" men and women were doing it to everyone instead of their husbands/wives. So when "strangers" came to our home and demanded that we accept hugs/kisses we almost rebelled--and I am sure it showed!
---Wayne87 on 10/8/05

nvBarb, i wanna hug.
---Eloy on 10/4/05

Paul, I definitely agree that ORDERING a hug is not necessarily a good thing.

Another thing I would like to echo is that how love from a parent looks is different from parent to parent. Even among different children in the same family. With one of my children I tend to kick his butt more because he needs it. I always hug him and tell him I love him though.

I tend to be a hugger by nature though. Like NVBarbara, I hug when I say good-bye to everyone in my family.
---Madison on 10/3/05

I'd just like to add that much has to do with custom and the English are known for being very reserved and less obvious with their affections. There are families where boys in particular just do not kiss and hug, they shake hands and with close family. Customs vary from family to family of course as well as country to country. How we are brought up has a strong effect on our future. This does not mean that the affection is not there or felt by others.
---Paul on 10/3/05

Madison, I think it just shows how things from our childhood stick with us and affect us. In my own case the natural ME came out as soon as I became a parent and it is the most natural thing in the world to hug and kiss ones children and hug them as they leave for school (or work or holiday when grown) but, because that didn't happen in my original family (parents/siblings) it still seems strange and I'm in my mid 60s now. But it was the ORDER to hug that bothered us the most.
---Paul on 10/3/05

I have a hard time understanding not showing affection, but I know some people don't/can't.
I come from a VERY affectionate family. We have always hugged, even if we see each other every day. A phone call never ends without "I love yous." I feel fortunate to have a loving family. There are 8 siblings, and about 30 nieces and nephews. Our reunions are HUG FESTS!
Be careful! If I ever meet one of you folks on here, I WILL hug you!
---NVBarbara on 10/2/05

I can sympathesize with you. Some mother's just do not know how to mother. It could be that she was never mothered by her own mother, therefore she doesn't know how. And perhaps she just misses the out-of-state children, because absence will make the heart grow fonder.
---Eloy on 10/2/05

Also, in dealing with elderly parents, sometimes forgiveness is needed. Care for your mother not because she is a perfect mother. Care for her because it is the right thing to do and because it is a reflection of who you are, not who she is.
---Annie on 10/2/05

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My father is that way not a hugging person. For a long time, I thought that meant he did not love me, but have come to realize he loves me very much. He just shows it in different ways. For instance, he invites me to lunch or will just sit and talk with me. Make peace now and accept your mother the way she is.
---Annie on 10/2/05

Paul: It is interesting that you and your siblings are resisting this concept with each other, yet you are warm and huggy to your children and grands.

Scriptures tell us to greet each other with a holy kiss. Other cultures do greet one another with a kiss, even the men.

My family is very demonstrative with the hugs and kisses. I also hug friends when I say good-bye to them after seeing them. At church, we greet one another during the worship service, and many people do hug each other.
---Madison on 10/2/05

3. The funny thing is that I have always hugged and kissed my own children and grandchildren (perhaps because I missed that as a child) and now mum, I feel, is happy to do it because she regrets not having been that way when WE were children. I and one brother are slowly coming round to the 'new' way of doing things (our sister still does not like it) but what we didn't like was being told we HAD to.
---Paul on 10/2/05

2. We don't because it just doesn't come easily having never done it before. Mum has told each of us that we should go along with it because that is what so-and-so does whereas we all feel she should have to courage to say to so-and-so that this is not the way our family does it.
---Paul on 10/2/05

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1. There seem to be a lot of 88 year mums on this blog. I have one too. MY problem is the reverse. We were never a touchy-feely family and only had hugs if we had fallen and cut ourselves, or something similar. In the last few years a new in-law has joined the family and she comes from just the opposite background. Mum likes this new approach but, unfortunately, she assumes we should all equally like it.
---Paul on 10/2/05

I understand what you are going through. I am the scapegoat of my family too. I initiated hugging in my family 22 years ago. Mom still would blow raspberries when I did and tell me to go away. It became just the way she shows affection. Maybe there was something that happened to her concerning you when you were small. She still loves you, just dosen't know how to show it.
---Julie3763 on 10/1/05

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and you hug her first.Your mother, and she isn't alone in doing this,knows you will be there for her,although she loves you she doesn't have to make an effort to show you.No matter what she does, or doesn't do,you will still be there.Maybe she doesn't realize you would welcome her affection.Set the pattern yourself.I always kiss Mom hi and bye,if I don't she's kissing me first.It's a habit.A good one.She's also 88.Time must not be wasted over who kissess/hugs first.
---Darlene_1 on 10/1/05

You are forgetting the story of the lost sheep. You are there all the time, those lost or gone are much dearer to the shepard. Think of the prodigal son, who was fawned and favored over upon his return. The other brother was hurt and the father said "You are here all the time, your brother was lost and has returned". Maybe, you have forgotten all the hugs and kisses and meals you have gotten and she is trying to even things up now while she has time. Be Thankful!!!
---chuck on 10/1/05

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How old are you? Don't you think you might want to ask her this question directly?
---Madison on 10/1/05

If she is 88, that means she came through the great depression of 1929. If this is true, a person at that time showed their love by putting a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food on the table. They had to work hard just to survive and for their family to survive. It could be she doesn't feel like you appreciated her hard work and efforts. My mother never huged me either, but I never felt neglected or un-loved.
---WIVV on 10/1/05

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