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I Really Like My Youth Pastor

I really like this guy..I'm 16 he's 23 and..he's my youth pastor. My brother told me that he likes me. This isn't a girly crush like "oo I wanna marry him" I really feel that God is telling me that he IS the man that I WILL spend my life with. What do I do or say?

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 ---Angie on 10/10/05
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//UNLESS the adult was in a position of authority over the minor (e.g. parent, teacher, clergyman, policeman, etc.),---StrongAxe on 8/12/16

Correct. I forgot he has special authority over her.

So it would be a felony if they started dating while she is under 18 regardless if their State states she can give consent at the age of 16.

He had a special authority over her as the Youth Pastor
---Nicole_Lacey on 8/15/16


You wrote: No, it isn't a girly crush but a FELONY for him if anything went beyond his role as a youth Pastor.

The age of consent varies from state to state, so whether it's a felony or not depends on location.

BTW, something tells me the Church didn't give him that position to find a wife among his youths even if by accident.

This is definitely true. The last time I was living in Ontario, Canada, the age of consent was 14, UNLESS the adult was in a position of authority over the minor (e.g. parent, teacher, clergyman, policeman, etc.), in which case it was 18. Apparently it's up to 16 now, but with the same caveat.
---StrongAxe on 8/12/16

I really like this guy..I'm 16 he's 23 and....This isn't a girly crush like "oo I wanna marry him"- Angie

No, it isn't a girly crush but a FELONY for him if anything went beyond his role as a youth Pastor.

BTW, something tells me the Church didn't give him that position to find a wife among his youths even if by accident.

LISTEN, anyone until the age of 18:

If you love the other person who is over the age of 18, please SHOW your love by keeping that person out of jail.

People over 18 are not allowed to date people under 18 in most States.
---Nicole_Lacey on 8/12/16

Angie will now be 27 and the pastor 34. Whether married (to each other or to 2 others) it is highly unlikely they are reading our answers. They will have moved on and so should we i.m.h.o.
---Rita_H on 8/11/16


You wrote: Having said that, I don't think such a relationship is necessarily wrong. 16 is the legal age of consent in some states.

That may mean it is legal, but it doesn't necessarily mean it is wise.

Paul wrote in 1 Corinithians 6:12 (and also 10:23):
All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.

Adults should have the maturity to deal with complex situations. Such maturity cannot usually be expected from teenagers.
---StrongAxe on 8/10/16

When a 23 year old guy spends enough unsupervised time around 16 year old girls, an attraction on one or both sides WILL happen! It is not a question of IF but simply of WHEN.

Having said that, I don't think such a relationship is necessarily wrong. 16 is the legal age of consent in some states.
---Jack_London on 8/9/16

I understand what you're saying completely buy it may cause problems in the church because you're under age.Question for you as well, I like my youth leader he is also a youth pastor he is 21 and I'm 18 but I'm about to graduate in 8 weeks still in youth. Do you think it's wrong for me to be more than just friends? Hes not even able to take me home by myself which he only lives right around the corner from me. I'm planning on moving in a few mnths and then coming back in a few yrs would that make a difference on the rules as to when I come back if the same rules apply I'll be at least 20 or 21 & to the girl who wrote the post your feelings are normal and sometimes it's hard to control it but until you're 18 it will cause problems.
---Simone on 4/4/15

i just wanna tell you that it Could be Gods calling. I have the SAME EXACT feeling with my youth pastor im 16 as well.. hes older.. but i talked to him and strangely enough he feels the same exact thing.. obviously not going to do anything about it now, just waiting on God and till im 18 to see what happens..
---jocy on 3/22/14

you are a teenager with common attractions, but set your likes and your childhood on other teenagers, and not upon adults.
---Eloy on 9/22/11

ANGIE on 10/10/05

probably she's allready married years ago HELLOOO. read it AAAALLLL
---andy3996 on 9/22/11

That sounds exactly like a girly crush.
---Jed on 9/21/11

Dear Angie,
I was in your shoes several times when I was your age. I grew up in church and had a tendency to crush on my youth pastors. Sometimes I would get mixed signals and wondered if he liked me too. Turns out it was just misread signals. This might hurt but my advice would be to try and move on, figure out God's plan for you. I understand that its not a crush but intense feeling and hard to ignore. Please don't allow anything to happen with your youth pastor, I've seen and heard stories of young girls getting involved in this situation and getting hurt, ruining their reputation, and the guy leaving the church. I'll be praying for you and hope everything works out. Good luck and God bless!
---Susan on 9/19/11

It's 2011? How do you feel now? 6 years later?
---Kia on 6/20/11

Angie, this sounds (in 2005) EXACTLY like a girly crush to me.

I wonder what you would say now in 2010?
---Cluny on 8/27/10

I know just how you feel.. but the difference is that this guy is married and im SINGLE!!! the 2 of us are really close and my friend told me that she thinks he likes me 2 but im not sure... i think you should do what i do- act normal around him and try to build your freindship so that you can hopefully get over your feelings for him... even though i know thats probably impossible...
---Nikita on 8/25/10

If a youth pastor is to be befitting of the noble criterion that the bible specifies, then he will recognise the situation and pray for guidance. If you are 16/17 then it's most likely not going to be the result that you want it to be, it's not God telling you, it's you telling you - you are in the flesh!

Beware: This is the age of the starstruck! We're seeing too many young ladies going starry-eyed over anyone who rises up out of the sea of people. Many pastors are no longer persuading in the Spirit but in the flesh, imbuing themselves with self-confidence by what their own strength "achieves", which deceivingly comes off as hero status. So they [girls] add idolatry to their carnal desires.
---John_II on 7/22/10

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I have a similar situation. I am 17 and my former youth leader is in his early thirties. He is a widower and currently not dating anyone. I, however, am in a one-year relationship with another boy I don't really see being long term.
I have had feelings for my pastor since the 9th grade when he was my jr. high leader. Lately, especially, since we havent spoken much in the last few months, i've been feeling more and more strongly for him.

I wonder if this is just an immature "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing? but every time i see him it makes my day! help!!!
---Maddie on 7/19/10

Meg, that is some great advice..I wish I had been as wise at 16..GOOD JOB!!
---a_friend on 7/14/10

I'm in a similar situation, but worse. I'm 16. my youth minister turns 32 this year.
It's one-sided, and I understand that he will probably never return the feelings, so I keep it to myself.
But, I wouldn't say that it is wrong for a student to marry their pastor. My father was my mother's youth pastor and they have been married for 24 years. My parents love the Lord with everything they are. There's nothing sinful about the situation if that is what God has for you.
So having been there, my advice is to seek God's will and trust that if he is the one, He will make it happen. And if not, then he has someone better in store for you.Don't let your love for him distract you while he is teaching, but don't feel guilty for loving him.
---Meg on 7/14/10

Dear Angie:

I can see by the date of your post that 5 years have come and gone and I am interested in how things turned out now that you are 21. Did you become the youth pastor's first lady?

In the event that you are not already married I will say to you that statistically speaking the farther away from your 20th birthday you are when marrying the more apt you are to remain married. Young people and marriage just don't mix.

Another reason to wait is that according to insurance companies, the human brain isn't even finished developing until a person is around the age of 25, so please don't make any huge decisions until you have control of all your faculties. Best wishes.
---Higgins on 6/12/10

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As a youth Pastor, I can tell you that your situation is not uncommon. My suggestion is that you truly seek God in this - you need to know His heart and mind. In my experience, someone can not only look up to a person in ministry as a leader, mentor etc. This can and does sometimes lead to romantic feelings on one or both sides. Remember, temptation is a very real and powerful thing that the enemy loves to use. If your Youth Pastor is married, he's completely hands off. Personally, I think you'd be better off finding a great Christian guy your own age and a 23 year old man should be seeking a woman his age. If in 4-5 years you are both single, perhaps take another look at things.
Praying for you
Pastor Glenn
---Pastor_Glenn on 6/9/10

Hi Mary,

I took my example of god will will from Naomi, Issac, and others.

Meaning the minds and hearts of this Century is far from the sincerity and faithfulness of those before. So choosing a partner today we come under the wickedness of the hearts of man/woman today where the love of ones self is not the same as the love we should have for each other back then.

So when choosing a partner one has to be like minded and if there is a sight chance something does not add up it is wise to leave the situation and serve God without the pain of marring and finding that your hunch was a major factor in your divorce.

Is it that easy of course not but it's a good base of thought were not perfect there is so much to lose.
---Carla3939 on 7/30/09

Hi Carla :) I'm curious and hope you can explain this to me: you say if two people come together it was in line with God's will--so how do you explain all the divorces and terrible relationships that are clearly not in God's will? I believe with all my heart the relationship I'm in now IS of God but all the others have certainly not been. Just curious--please don't be offended at my question--thanks and God bless :)
---Mary on 7/29/09

Only God knows?

It is more likely your lustful thinking since if God allows two people to come together it was always in line with his will,so I guess you'll need to grow up get educated/ biblically and calm down.

It's a hormonal thing your going through right now(most girls do)! looking for your own husband at your age is not wise unless your husband has the same conviction about you. Pray and ask God to Guide you spiritually not carnally.It's a bad mistake to go with just a feeling.
---Carla3939 on 7/27/09

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In all honesty, I'd wait. What God has for you, is for you. Please pray, both of you. Emotions are so easy to be misunderstood as the Holy Spirit. Also, seek Godly counsel from your Pastor & First Lady. The enemy can play on your fleshly desires so easily. dedra5875
---Dedra on 6/30/08

First - you are 16 & he is 23, that is rape according to the law of the land. Second - he is a youth pastor, and you are a youth, you should see him as an athority figure, not a future mate. It would be different if you were 18 and a youth leader (helping out), this would put you on the same level. You are a youth (student) and he is a youth pastor (teacher).
---Leslie on 1/4/07

Andre ... I am surprised at what you tell me.
In the UK that wouyld be indecent assault if the girl did not want to be touched or kissed. In fact it would be indecent assault for a man to kiss any woman of any age who did not want it.
But here, it is only rape if there is actual sexual penetration. And if the girl was willing it would still not be rape, it would be "sex with a minor" if she is under age... still an offence, but not rape
---alan8869_of_UK on 11/5/05

Alan: come on get a grip no going out is not statutory rape if when he turns 25 and she is still not yet 18 wether in days or weeks she will become 18 and they so much as kiss or he touches her in anyway then that will be considered statutory rape under the law NO JOKE i work with the sheriff dept. in sex crimes and so many are willingly having relations with people older and the older are getting punished cause the younger gets mad or the parent doesnt approve i know the system i work in it
---andre9789 on 10/13/05

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I'm really surprised that a youth pastor that is teaching YOUTH is able to do what he is doing.You should talk to your Pastor and your parents.What else is the youth pastor teaching to the rest of the group?
---missy on 10/13/05

, angie, you are too young to be thinking of dating. finish high school, take a couple of years for college, and then you will be ready to date a man.
---steve on 10/12/05

No! there is nothing wrong with the attraction of a 16 year old girl and youth pastor, but she is a minor, which means anything that is done, needs to go through her parents, if her parents are uncomfortable, the relationship should be severed until a later time, when it can be a more mature relationship, if there is still interest there on both sides.
---Joyce9456 on 10/12/05

It's not so much the age thing (but there is a big difference between 16 and 23), it's the fact he is her youth pastor, he's in a position of authority over her. I know in our church the youth pastor dating one of his youth would not be allowed.
---bethie on 10/12/05

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There's nothing wrong with an attraction between a 16 and a 23 yr old-it's not that big a gap.If he feels the same,& your parents like & trust him,go to McDonald's or some public place.There's no law saying you can't date,& just because you like each other doesn't mean that anything will happen,as others think.They equate liking each other with having sex.Not so.And even if he feels the same,that's no reason to take away his position.But if it's one-sided on your part,let it be.You'll meet someone else.
---Ann5758 on 10/12/05

First of all you should forget about "getting involved" with anyone at your young age.Wait a few years before you start thinking long term about any man.
Second , if your Youth Pastor does have the same "feelings"Then he is no Youth Pastor and should resign his position until he reaches a greater level of maturity.Everyone will be better off in the long run.
---co_ach on 10/10/05

Are you saying that for an older man to take a younger girl out is statutory rape?
Surely it is only rape if they have sex together?
Perhaps you are one of those who thinks the word "date" means sleeping together?
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/10/05

Angie please dont obsess about him now. I had the same "God was telling me" deception and I was 23 and at bible college. How could I be wrong?? But it was my wishful thinking and it caused me 15 years of heartache it still hurts to see him happily married with kids to another girl named Lisa and he's prominant in the church. Ouch!! If its God's let him make the moves. Until them, STOP FOCUSSING ON HIM AND PLAYING ROULETTE WITH YOUR LIVES.
---lisa on 10/10/05

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Pray and cool off the marriage idea. Wait till you are 18, and out of youth group before you even consider such an idea. If he is still available, and you are still interested in him, then it may happen. Do not even try to get his attention now while he is in a position of authority over you. Dangerous territory.
---Madison on 10/10/05

It is easy and very common to "fall in love" with someone you look up to. However, I don't think at 16 God is directing you to your life's companion. Really pray and seek God's will. Allow Him to open your eyes to the truth. IF it's as you feel now, God will give you total assurance... but if not, be prepared to trust Him in His plan for your life. We suffer tremendously when we follow our own agendas, but we can never go wrong when we let God do the leading!!!
---Marilee on 10/10/05

God can tell you that he is the man, but the law of man will tell you are a minor right now. Like everybody said, Wait. Continue to grow on your spiritual path for now. you will find other things that God may want you to do right now. The law of man might arrest him if he get's too closely involved with you. It's not easy but you have to be patient.
---harold on 10/10/05

you may also want to consider talking to the pastor of the church or pastors wife legally he may not be allowed to date one of his students and if he is allowed to legally he may not be able to teach you while you are his student under the church contract or ordinances until you are of age when it cant be stopped because him dating you may cost him his position in the church because you are a minor what ever your decision be careful and seek God whole heartedly
---andre9789 on 10/10/05

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The age difference is something to think about. It would be better for you both if you wait so that there is no legal question because as defined by law it is not right for a 16 yr to be with a 23 yr old even if the relationship is pure. If he is the one God has in store for you then I would wait two years so that you are more emotionally, spiritually and legally prepared for each other. I didn't date until I was 18 and even then I was not prepared so just keep praying for him and for you.
---auror3743 on 10/10/05

I'd wait and see, if it really is meant to be, you two will be together. But for now he is your youth Pastor, and he might get into trouble if he gets involved with someone in his group. For now I would stay friends.
---bethie on 10/10/05

first of all what state do you live in? In Fla. the age for a minor to date an adult is 16-24 if a girl is 16 and a man is 24 vice versa it is ok but once that guy turns 25 if she is 16 or 17 it is considered statutory rape you need to find out what your states age allowances is you woulnt want to get him in trouble if it is fine by your state give it a shot you will never know until you try your feelings may be right but if not then dont fret there is someone else out there you never know until you try
---andre9789 on 10/10/05

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