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Marry A Former Child Abuser

My friend came to me last night and asked what she should do, she's been dating someone for 2 yrs, their engaged now and are waiting to be active until they get married, he just told her that he was in jail for 9yrs for abusing a young girl, can anyone give me advice?

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 ---michelle on 10/20/05
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Men who sexually abuse young girls have often themselves been abused growing up. Feeling rejected by older women, they're attracted to less-rejecting young girls, not always sexually but because of the innocence, vitality, friendliness, and non-judgmental attitudes of some young girls. Many male pedophiles feel "dead" inside, so they like being around young girls more because of their strong life-force rather than their sexuality. Sadly, there is something "vampireal" about this attraction. As they say, abuse tends to feed abuse. If a man has been sexually or emotionally abused as a child, and they make a mistake and spread that abuse to others, they shouldn't be condemned but rather the subject of our mercy and compassion.
---Alan_deWalton on 4/4/19

People who abuse children may have had some trauma in their past, or been abused themselves. If they have not seen a godly counsellor, and perhaps been exorcised, had the demons cast out of them, I would be very unhappy to see my friend marry that person.
---frances008 on 3/28/08

I'd say no, don't marry him. Because he waited until they were engaged to tell her this. I mean, what kind of man would wait until the woman formed a deep enough relationship with him to be engaged, then tell her bad stuff about him? I'd say this man is very manipulative and possibly dangerous.
---sue on 3/28/08

If my husband woke up one morning and told me he was in Jail for 9 years for abusing a child, that would be the end. But then some may say "At least he confessed" he may have confessed for the fear of being later foundout or maybe he has really changed but that's a chance I will not advice her to take if she's planning on having kids with this man. She will live in fear of him abusing their child.She will begin to monitor him.Not a wise way to start a future.
---Josephine on 3/28/08

God can change a person. I don't care what they've done in the past, God can change them and make them a brand-new person. but if God hasn't changed him, I'd be afraid to marry him.
---Rebecca_D on 4/15/07

Giving a person a second change is usually been my "battle cry", BUT: there are some things you can't "second chance". Child abuse is one of them. Was he actually convicted of child abuse or just accused? (The reason for this question is he was only in jail for 9 days.) If he was guilty, than I'd drop him. This may not appear to be fair, but the chances of him doing it again, without professional treatment, is to high to risk it. Let him go!
---WIVV on 4/14/07

This is a sensitive and serious issue, which should be taken to the Lord. He alone knows our hearts. I wish to say, as Jesus did, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. As Christians, do we truly believe in the redeeming power of Jesus Christ? If so, and this man shows fruit of repentence, then who are we to condemn? We are to test the spirits. Discernment is critical, comes from God, not our own judgements. The issue is trusting God, so seek Him, fast, pray. God bless you.
---Christina on 3/3/06

How "Young" is this girl? Most (not all) child molesters do molest again. That needs to be considered. Another thought, it doesn't take much for any man to be accused and convicted for a crime against a woman. In NC any woman only has to claim that a man has hit her and the man especially if it is her husband is automatically put in jail for 72 hours. Situations such as the one your friend is involved in should be approached with much caution and much more prayer to make the right decision.
---Terisa on 3/2/06

, while i insist that nobody ever marry an abuser, i wonder if he was really guilty,... the fact that he is willing to "wait" until marriage says maybe he might be one of the many falsely convicted.
---steve on 11/16/05

Josephine, I beg to differ with you about recovering alcoholics. If a person is still vulnerable to drinking, then they should avoid alcohol and where it is served. Once they are on solid ground spiritually, and emotionally, they can frequent establishments where alcohol might be served. A lot of Italian restaurants offer wine with dinner before you look at the menu. A lot of weddings serve champagne toasts and have bars, and it is unreasonable to expect a recovering alcoholic to not attend.
---Madison on 10/26/05

Your friend should RUN just as fast as she can away from that man unless he is truly repentant and has shown a life of devotion to the Lord since he got out of prison. People do not stay in "jail" for 9 years. They stay in prison. The fact that they are "waiting to be active" must mean that they are waiting for sex after marriage. If he is demonstrating that kind of self-control then perhaps he has changed.
---Sally on 10/26/05

Breaking away, is a WHOLE lot easier now, than if you marry, have children and are watching out, protecting those kids. Try being married to one, I WAS, and if someone would have told me AHEAD of time, I WOULD HAVE ran the other direction, saved me and my 3 kids LOTS of heartache, 1 has tried to commit suicide because of this same thing.
---Colleen on 10/25/05

Recovering alcoholics are supposed to stay away from anywhere alcohol is served and that goes for recovering pedophiles too. Think about your friend's kid's birthdays when other kids come to visit and kids suddenly start disappearing. Shocking? She has to face the truth.What if he falls back on old habits. Let her watch documentaries. Last 2 years in Germany a pedophile raped and murdered 2 little children 5 & 8, well, he sat in the courtroom and laughed. I saw it on TV.My heart still hurts.
---Josephine on 10/25/05

In my opinion, as long as he actually did it and wasn't framed. Please tell your friend to make the right decision, read more in libraries about his case and know as much about what he has told her. It may be more serious than he has told her. I have a 2 year old daughter, she's so fragile and innocent and just seeing her smile makes my day. Many abused children never smile again. Their pain lives on for so long that they end up committing suicide.
---Josephine on 10/25/05

After reading many comments to this question, it may explain why someone may not say something about something in the past that they may totally regret. We don't know this person's whole story or his heart. Protecting kids is the main issue of any choice that is made here. However, Christ did use Paul, and you see the changes he made. Be careful not to condemn a person to quickly, show love, and help the weaker brother.
---geraa7578 on 10/25/05

I told my friend that she should break it off with him. She agree's but feels bad. Now that she knows his past she knows she will never be able to be with him in that way, or be able to have a child and trust him with them. How does she break away without hurting his feelings?
---Michelle on 10/25/05

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She should be VERY VERY afraid to believe him, even though he may be a "believer." MANY and MOST times,,, these abusers NEVER EVER change. It is like cancer that can go into remission,,, then at some unexpected time, there it is again... DO NOT TRUST HIM!!!!!!!! For your sake and ANY CHILDREN not trust him!!!!!!! Speaking from experience.
---Colleen on 10/23/05

My friend, who is having this problem said he was 28 when he committed the abuse and is getting help, as I sit here and tell her story. He said he has been saved, and told her he is a changed man, but she's afraid to believe him.
---Michelle on 10/23/05

Hi,Praying is important before we acting and the ask the Holy Spirit. Im not sure if I can take such a bold step if I was in the same position. The word of God says "But with God, nothing is impossible". This man might have repented; and in the light of true repentance and honesty, your friend should follow the leading of the Lord. In the bible, God instructed someone to marry a known prostitute to glorify HIS name. Unless this is the leading of the Lord, your freind need to be careful.Carol
---Caroline_Lee on 10/22/05

As a mental health professional I must tell you that child abusers and pedophiles are not easily cured and their prognosis for repeating these offenses are statistically very great. Please look up the data on the Internet. No doubt he has many issues from childhood to deal with and the fact that he was in jail for 9yrs proves that he was a SERIOUS abuser....take the warning and tell your friend to RUN, RUN, RUN as fast as she can away from this man.
---Elsie on 10/22/05

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God does forgive all sexual sins. However, that does not mean that we humans do not have to protect ourselves from potential harm to ourselves or our children. An abused spouse does not have to take back a batterer, but she can forgive him.

Personally, I would not date a sex offender. I work with children in my career and at my church. I could not in good conscience have an intimate relationship with such a man.
---Madison on 10/21/05

Moderator ... OK I change the word tendency to temptation.

Even after being saved, most paedophiles will be subject to the same temptations, and therefore great care should be taken (for their sake as well as for the children) to control their access to children.
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/21/05

Here we go again, giving the impression that God will forgive ALL sins - except those connected with sex. My bible doesn't say that. However, if you have doubts about this man don't marry him.
---M.P. on 10/21/05

Nancy,sorry you're mistaken,not true "anybody can be a sex offender if given the opportunity" nor are repeat offenders a small percentage. Sex offenders have a perversion of normal sexual drives.It's never normal for any person to force/use another person for their physical sexual release.Not paranoia ,reality.Therapist even tried electrical shock to try to condition child sex offenders not to lust after children,even that didn't stop their minds from lusting toward children.
---Darlene_1 on 10/21/05

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OK I am sorry, only Christ can change the sinner's heart. Jesus taught us to forgive 70 times 7 no matter what. There is a paranoia about sex offenders... when in reality only a very small porcentage of them commit the same offense. Anybody can be a sex offender if given an opportunity. Love covers a multitude of sins... I see no love in here....
---Nancy on 10/21/05

The recidivism rate for pedophilia depends on the type of pedophile we are dealing with. There are three types of sexual abuse. Incest, sex with a minor child that the child knows the perpetrator, and stranger abuse.

Recidivism rates also depend on treatment. Without treatment the rate can be as high as 64%. With treatment it can be as low as 14%.
---Madison on 10/20/05

I know many will disagree with me, but paedophilia is a defect in someones make-up, some call it an illness.
I do not believe that the attraction to youngsters necessarily ceases when someone becomes a Christian.
So even if he is saved, he is likely to have the same tendency. Steer clear.

Moderator - The Bible calls it sin not a make-up defect.
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/20/05

We don't have facts here. How old was he, and the girl when this happened? It reminds me of a blog recently of the 26 year old dating the 16 year old girl. But if this is TRUE pediphilia, hurting a child, I'd keep my distance if I were your friend. This is an illness that runs deep. Is he serving the Lord? Paying his debt to society by serving time, does not 'cure' him of this tendancy. It would be difficult to ever trust him around children.
---NVBarbara on 10/20/05

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I am shocked! pedophiles are truly the God fosaken sinners? Is God impotent to change their ways even after paying their debth to society? I mean born again pedophiles... Is this a glitch with God? I am really hurt!
---Nancy on 10/20/05

ONLY Christ can reform these men, and they must be renewed in their minds (thought life--fantasies) The main question is, is this man saved? He also needs deliverance. If not, he WILL offend again. He might have kept the 9 yr. sentence from her for fear of losing her. A former inmate is not readily accepted even in many Christian circles.
---Lynna on 10/20/05

Is your friend willing to put up her own daughters, grandaughters, and girls of family and find out if this man is indeed a changed man??????
---Tammy on 10/20/05

AN abuser never EVER changes. They may put on the armor of GOD, but deep inside, the abuse still lives. I was married to one, and then found out, they will never change and if it was 9 years, it WAS NOT for physical abuse. So do you want to be afraid of kids being around your home, not sure if they would be abused by him or not, HUGE QUESTION to ask YOURSELF??
---tina on 10/20/05

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So, he waited 2 WHOLE YRS to tell her? Well this should tell her something about whether he CAN be honest in marraige. I think the answer is NO!
Anyguy who leaves such an impoortant piece of info to himself for 2 yrs is not a good match for marriage.
I think she needs to look elsewhere for her future mate. Perhaps God is telling her something very loudly!
---Craig on 10/20/05

God can forgive anyone BUT, WHY did he wait 2 yrs to TELL HER about it. This is a bad sign. He should have told her when they met before they even dated.
No she better stay away because if he is this dishonest now about something so important than he will be dishonest in marraige as well.
It is the dishonesty that is so wrong.
---Marla on 10/20/05

It was 9 years jail, not days?
I would say it would be dangerous and unwise.
Our experience in the UK with paedophiles, is that even if they become "saved" they still have those tendencies, and in church we need to exclude them from working with kids.
I know this seems to deny the "change" that being saved is supposed to make, but I can only go by what I have observed.
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/20/05

A man who abused,I assume, molested a young girl and sent to jail for 9 years must have been awfully bad to receive that long a term.Look at the news.It was the men who were caught,sent to prison, and let out, who ended up molesting and killing a child later.To marry someone who did that is to have a lifetime of worry he will strike again.He may already have and just hasn't been caught.There's no treatment,no cure that works.That has the highest rate of repeat offenders of any crime.
---Darlene_1 on 10/20/05

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Michelle, Pray, Pray and Pray for your friend. Is her fiance saved now? Bring it before the Lord. You could be the one who stands in the gap for her and him.
---John on 10/20/05

I wouldn't trust him especially after I married him. I would be afraid to have children with him. I would run the other way. After marriage is when his true behavior will come out.
---shira_5965 on 10/20/05

tell her to Pray Earnestly and Seek God! Please be sure to hear from God before marrying him he should have told her when they first got together. I work with the sex offenders registry and the abused kids and all and most of the time one that has committed the crime once and serves time and is let out will eventually fall into the crime again No Joke most people here are not first timers they are time and time again tell her please seek God and make sure she has a peace about it and hears from God.
---andre9789 on 10/20/05

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