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Humor Blog #9

C'mon in and lighten up! Humor Blog # 9!

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 ---NVBarbara on 11/13/05
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Cynthia: for about twinkie minutes?
---Marcia on 8/26/07

PDB Obituary
The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, and his father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
---Cynthia on 8/26/07

Fun things to do at Walmart!
Take an entire aisle in Toys Dept. by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Put M & M's on layaway.
Ask the other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an offical tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares,"and see what happens.
---Cynthia on 8/25/07

Cynthia...some good ones...(How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?)

how can you tell if you had any to begin with?
---christina on 8/25/07

Points to ponder
How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If Fed Ex and UPS merge, what would they call it, FED UP?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
---Cynthia on 8/25/07

Why do SDA's stink?
Because they work 6 days and on the 7th they take's a bbath. :D
---robin8683 on 8/25/07

Abraham said "Look! A pastor skipping church to play golf! Will you smite him?"
God said "No. I have something better in mind"
The pastor teed up, swung, and got a hole in one!
In fact, he got a hole in one on every single hole in the course.

Abraham was livid. He said "How can you reward such a sinner by giving him the best game in his life?"
God laughed and said "Yes, but who is he going to tell?"
---Mark on 8/25/07

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud!!!
---Marcia on 8/24/07

"Life is unfair.

I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them.
I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them.
I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them.

I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more!!!"
---Marcia on 8/24/07

An atheist complained to a Christian friend,

"You Christians have your special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Why don't you celebrate April first?"
---Marcia on 8/24/07

I find plenty of Jokes on the Web to share.

The minister was preaching on the evils of drink.

He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river. The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was

"Shall we gather at the river?"
---Marcia on 8/24/07

OK, we're open for business! John you have to bring the gravy, Olie, you bring whatever varment you have, and Elder can bring the 'corn!' ha ha!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and I'll hook up with them later!
---NVBarbara on 8/24/07

Yea, two more of these Blogs and we can start telling the old jokes again.
---Elder on 3/12/07

Little Billy had "graduated" from the church nursery and it was his first Sunday sitting with his parents for the service. The time came for the offering plate to be passed. Billy watched and as the plate got closer to where he was sitting he leaned over to his father and said, "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under 7."
---ralph7477 on 12/13/05

I'm not going there with that inside joke.
---Olie on 12/13/05

A pastor preaching in church one Sunday morning told the congregation, "Raise your hands in the air if you want to go to heaven!". Everyone in the building raised there hands except for one small boy on the front row. A hush fell over the place as they noticed the boy sit there with his hands unraised. The pastor, a little nervous, asked the boy, "Son, don't you want to go to heaven some day?". The boy replied, "Sure I do, but I thought you were getting up a trip for today.".
---mike on 12/13/05

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Probably fry it up with onions if I ever got hold of it....hehe
---Ann5758 on 12/13/05

Ann, You are a woman after my own heart!
---Olie on 12/12/05

Roadkill Squirrel Squares:1 Flat squirrel;1 Bottle booze,home-made;2 c Veggies;Collard greens,White rice,cooked. Find a flattened Roadkill squirrel & pick out all the hairs.Take it to the kitchen and cut into 1" squares.Marinate it overnight in a bowl of homemade booze.Then dice some veggies,mix with squirrel and fry `em in a skillet.Take the booze left in your bowl,tip it up,& kill it.Cook the veggies & yer squirrel until they smell real nice. Serve `em with some collard greens upon a pile of rice.
---Ann5758 on 12/11/05

Nellah, I tried that recipe and it did nothing for my nerves. I do have a bunch of little possums stuck to my undercarriage though. My wife first noticed when I came home, took off my coat and they just came popping out all over!
---John on 12/11/05

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I told my wife ,a long time ago that there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She also said there's nothing in this world she wouldn't do for me! So we go thru life doing "nothing" for each other! I dunno, is there somrthing wrong with this picture?
---1st_cliff on 12/11/05

Possum? That's a southern delicacy!
1 Possum cut in small pieces
2 Cans Veg-All
1 Can Chili w/Beans
1 Can Corn (not creamed)
Lots of black pepper and garlic powder to taste.
This is a soup for yer nerves. Will cure anything! Hope y'all enjoy! Love to all! Oh, I forgot to tell you to keep Rolaids handy!
---Nellah on 12/11/05

Possum, i wonder if it tastes like chicken. i wonder what a smoked camel tastes like, perhaps like venison? And do dromedaries have milk in their humps?
---Eloy on 12/11/05

Olie, I should have guessed that you smelled Possum. What's your preferance, Chunky, BBQ, or Creamed? Have you considered, road pizza?
---John on 12/10/05

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I scan the blogs at night just looking for ideas and opportunities like this. Thank you again so much! This is right up my alley. I pilot a chase lounge at night and it takes a lot to get me out of the jump seat. My wife say's she's gonna install an ejection seat. Get-er-done!
---Olie on 12/10/05

John, You have given me a great idea. Thank you, brother!
---Olie on 12/10/05

If a tree falls on a mime in the woods and no one is around, does anybody care?
---NVBarbara on 12/10/05

This is actually from a Pastor friend of mine. His name is Pastor Randy and he put these labels on a bunch of cans of Vienna sausages. The back of the can reads; Contents: Premium Possum road patties run over by an 18-wheeler on Hwy 152 West of China Grove, N.C. GUARANTEED SUN-CURED FOR A MINIMUM OF 1 DAY. Salt added to preserve fresh aromatic flavor. Net, Wgt. 8 oz. (in very rare cases, pieces of gravel and/or tire tread can alter the taste.)....... He gives them out as gag gifts!
---John on 12/10/05

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A cop pulled over a "mime" and said "you have the right to remain silent!" hmmmm
---1st_cliff on 12/8/05

John, you're right dude! We don't stop having fun when we get older, we get old when we stop having fun! :)
---NVBarbara on 12/5/05

We are'nt old. If your young in your heart you still have youth. It's like when somebody's overweight, people say, "There's a thin preson in there trying to get out". Only trouble is, that with some people no one can hear the thin person screaming through the fat!
---John on 12/5/05

I think our ages are showing John! Who else wemembers that old stuff?
Excuuuuuuse meeee!
---NVBarbara on 12/5/05

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How do you know how to do all that we we and Wo wo stuff? I can hardly cook and think straight at the same time. One time I forgot I put in some stink bait in a special recipe and than I put it in again. The fly's were just an extra condiment. Get-er-done!
---Olie on 12/4/05

Wovely Gilda Wadner, so sweet and funny.
And Emily Latela, I wuved her......nevermind.
She is missed.
Goodnight my dear Rosanne Rosanadana.
---NV_Barbara on 12/4/05

Barbara, I just wuved your BaBa Wa Wa comment on her blog. It was Weil We inspireWing! It's so Wonderful Weminissing and Welishing every thought of Gilda Wadner acting so Weetarded!
---John on 12/3/05

You're a trip Olie, your friend may have been pulling your leg. You know talk is cheap because supply usually exceeds demand!
---NVBarbara on 12/2/05

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I tell ya it's so good to have good friends. Over the Thanksgiving holiday we had a bunch of people over for Turkey and fixins. Junior invited some city slickers over and they had the ordacity to insult my cookin! I cannot believe it! They said that my cookin is not fit for pigs! My good friend Beuford stepped right up and said that, Yes it was! Now that is a friend!
---Olie on 12/1/05

Barb, ditto, ditto. (((O)))
---Eloy on 12/1/05

I'm with you Eloy, I thought fasting was running into the house, or in my case running through airports!
We're the blonde twins! I'm pleased to have you as my brother!
---NVBarbara on 12/1/05

Barbara those fishing shows on TV are just a right wing political plan to get innocent fish outta their schools.
I found this out from John Kerry. Who, by the way, has created a new dance. It's real simple. When the music starts you go out on the floor and just lie there.
Santa is a democrat. Just look at his program that gives all that free stuff away.
Remember this is early morning humor before my coffee so ya'll keep ya hands off the guns.
---Elder on 12/1/05

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Sorry you all, this is a pretty bad one: Did Ed despise the churches? or how comes the Bible says the churches had rest, and were ed-defied? Acts 9:31.
---Eloy on 12/1/05

So fasting is not running into the house? can you all tell that i'm blond?
---Eloy on 12/1/05

What is cold as ice and hard as a rock? answer= the Letter of the Law.
What is smooth as butter and sweeter than honey? answer= the Spirit of Grace.
---Eloy on 12/1/05

Alan and Barb, i want to have my mansion next to you two, so i can watch and hear you both talented comedians go at it. My humor is so dry that raisins will hide from me.
---Eloy on 12/1/05

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You're right Mike fl! I never saw a Brink's truck in a funeral procession!
---NVBarbara on 12/1/05

Who was the only PERSON in the Bible who had no parents? - Joshua, the son of nun
If Solomon was so wise, why did he get married so many times?
---Mike on 11/30/05

Thanks Mike, this cold has made me feel lousy, I needed a good giggle!

You know those fishing shows on TV? Its weird to me, they catch the fish, then throw them back! They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make them late for something!
---NVBarbara on 11/30/05

PROOF you can't take it with you: ever seen luggage racks on a hearse? AFTER T'givin' dinner Gran' wouldn't let us do the dishes. 'said soap & water could handle em. As we sat aroun' the table I heard her callin' out the back door, "here soap, here water"! FRED wanted off work so he stood on his desk & said he was a lamp. The boss said he must be sick & to go home. The blond in the next desk got up to leave. The boss asked where she was goin'? She said home, she couldn't work in the dark.
---mike_fl on 11/29/05

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John I hung the mirrors sideways in my house so I could at least see part of me.
I now have a place to set my dinner plate where my belly used to be. Just never can tell if my shoes are polished or not.
---Elder on 11/28/05

Just think, If I take all the mirrors out of my house and never go out for the holidays, then I don't have to diet! This makes as much sense as teasing a mad dog.
Speaking of dogs, I had a dog once that had a special diet, people! It was fun when the jahova's witness people came to the door. All my dog saw was a two coarse meal. My wife named him fluffy when he was a pup.
---John on 11/28/05

Barbara, Madison is like me, I have no problem staying on a diet. My problem is the "Diet" staying on me.
When I was younger I worked to get a "Six Pack" Abdominal now all I have is a Keg.
But I am alive and the biggest threat to Turkeys in the Old Dominion.
---Elder on 11/23/05

Madison, if you have any trouble staying on your diet over T'giving, just read Olie's menu!
Reading that makes me never want to eat again!
God bless you and yours dear girl.
And God help any guests Olie has over!
---NVBarbara on 11/23/05

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Elder, I think that you just gave Olie a new idea for cranberry sause! He'll not only love it but it will make everything go down just fine. It will help his Thanksgiving dinner to get off in high gear!
---John on 11/23/05

My friend is having his Mother-in-Law for thanksgiving dinner.
I hope she ain't as tough cooked as she has been walking around.
We make Cranberry sauce outta used transmission fluid.
---Elder on 11/23/05

Happy Thanksgiving Turkey's! Just kidding, but most of us are Hams.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To attend a Thanksgiving dinner given in his honor.
The invite read,"Come out to the coast, we'll get together, we'll have a few laughs!"
Or was that Bruce Willis in Die Hard?
---John on 11/22/05

Part 3. For Dee-zert I will be serving a release form, just pickin. I will be introducing my experimantal Putrified Pig Pile pie. Top it off with with some horse cartledge whipped cream and you'll think you died and gone to... Outhouse is in the back.
That's my thanksgiving plans. I wish you all a happy one. Your all invited.
Paramedics will be standing...bye!
---Olie on 11/22/05

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Part 2. The potatoes will be ( Ya better be a writtin this down) made with creamed Possum innerds. Throw in more Jimmy Dean sausage and a pinch of frog skin zest.
Then I will prepare my mystery bean cassarole. We don't know where it's bean. He he.
The cornbread will be baked with bacon drippings and hog bile.
Ya got to have cranberry sauce, but you know I messed with that too ( soaked in, you guessed it, bladder butter!)
---Olie on 11/22/05

Part 1. Fixed the truck monday so me and Beuford ran over a beautiful 20 lb. turkey in Mrs, Hardings pumkin patch. We set him in a delightful, slappin moist gizzard juice marinate with a drop of kersone for browning. I will then proceed to stuff this winged wonder with the remains of every imagenable critter in my neighborhood. Throw in some Jimmy Dean sausage and there you go!
You just have to try my racoon knuckle appetizers. They are to die for! Come to think of it...
---Olie on 11/22/05

Peter would have sued Satan for the damage to the Pearly Gates when he was cast out but 'Ol Pete couldn't find a Lawyer that would work out of his district.

Then the Lawyer who married a girl named Sue. He thought that was her job title, not her name.
---Elder on 11/21/05

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head!

Three: 1 to turn the bulb, 1 to shake him off the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company!
---NVBarbara on 11/21/05

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A couple were walking through a cemetary looking at headstones. They see one that read "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man." The wife looks at her husband and says "Why did they bury 3 people in this one grave?"
---Cam on 11/21/05

A lawyer,with a terminal illness, is thumming thru the bible, pastor says "what are you searching for?" lawyer:"loopholes!" Why do they bury lawyers 12'? because "deep down" they're good people!
---1st_cliff on 11/20/05

Barbara my friend that is why I love you cause you ain't natural and you smell good, ugh, I mean SPELL good.
And tell that Slappy that even after I am walked I am still subject to bite strangers, and ain't nobody stranger than Slappy.
England is a place where you can go a lose 50 Pounds in a single game.
(How come when I put Slappy in spell check it comes up sloppy?)
---Elder on 11/18/05

Pahrump Slappy??? You should have stopped by to visit us while you were in the area!
Was she in "Mars Attacks?" That was filmed in Pahrump.
Gotta love that Slim Whitman!

Bite your tongue Elder, and all this time I thought you liked me...WAH!
---NVBarbara on 11/16/05

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Just stopping by on my way off to Manchester England for a tour. Visited my mom in Pahrump, and she's doing great! I would walk to Europe but the ocean floor is a little muddy. Besides it's a pain to keep coming up to the surface for air a lot. You kids be good while I'm away. Don't take any wooden Pickels! There good with tuna on rye. Pet Elder for me, and please take him for walks every day or at least use a treadmill, and a dogie bag. Bulia!
---Slappy on 11/15/05

Barbara what about those that are backing up at night.
Anyway you ain't no natural blond 'cause there ain't nothing natural bout you.
---Elder on 11/15/05

Love that Daphne! It gave me a giggle!
---NVBarbara on 11/15/05

For a blonde woman I know a lot about cars!
For instance, I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming!
---NVBarbara on 11/15/05

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One day, an ape escaped from the zoo. His escape was announced on the nightly news and in the newspapers. But no one reported seeing the ape. Eventually, zoo officials found him reading at the library. He had two
books open and a puzzled look on his face. One book was written by Darwin. The other was the Bible. When the zookeepers asked him why he was reading, the ape said, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
---daphn8897 on 11/15/05

Great Ann! You're bringing anti-biotics!
We'll all need them if Olie cooks anything!
---NV_Barbara on 11/15/05

Hey, if you're planning a thanksgiving dinner, I'll chip in, even though ours was in October...anyone for some month-old turkey giblets in some kind of green fuzzy sauce stuff? Mmmm-mmmm good....I'll bring some gravy too, once I chip the spoon out of it....
---Ann5758 on 11/15/05

Isn't Frenchie in the Ministry of Silly Walks?
Lt. Steve had better get moving before he has to join the Silly Walks Brigade!
Step High!!

(Monty 'Pythoners' will understand this!)
Always look on the bright side of life.......
---NVBarbara on 11/14/05

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There was an Indian chief named Big Rock. He had a son that he named Falling Rock. He was called Falling Rock because he kept falling down. Falling Rock had a habit of wondering off and the tribe would have to look for him. One day Falling Rock disappeared and could not be found (know where this is going). To this day the tribe is still looking for Falling Rock. That is why you see the signs (here it comes): "Watch For Falling Rock."
---doug5759 on 11/14/05

Lieutenant Steve! Lieutenant Steve! Frenchie is looking for you!
---Steve on 11/14/05

Howdie howdie! I have been away for awhile on an indian reservation. When I arrived Chief Scratching Shorts introduced me to his children.
He said: "This my beautiful daughter, Breaking Free?"
Then he said: "This is my son Breaking Rapids."
Than I said: "What in the Sam Hill Is that smell?'
He said: "That's my other son, Breaking Wind."
He was the loner of the tribe.
Well braves and squaws, gotta scoot and start planning my Thanksgiving recipe.
---Olie on 11/14/05

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