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My Husband Is Aging

My husband was in a accident, fell off a 40 ft Schafel, also had a stroke. He is going blind and can't drive. He stays home all the time, even though friends have offered to come and get him........but gets mad at me for never being home, mind you I am at work.

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 ---Kimberly on 11/29/05
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How's the old hound dog doin'?
---Mark on 3/8/08

It does sound like an old dog from the city pound.
---Mark on 2/8/08

My sympathies with you.You must be going through a difficult period. I trust this is where you have to show your love for him.In his situation he is bound to feel rejected and forgotten and maybe act insensitive.Its the pain of suddenly finding himself in that situation.Be there for him as much as you can, love him and love will guide you through.Above all cling to God.With Him alone you will get through.God mercies.
---pkay on 2/8/08

Madison , glad you understand , I knew what I said struck some kind of cord in you.I wasn't completely sure why you responded so strongly . I decided you didn't like me and that is ok if someone doesn't , but thank you for telling me what happened. Ha ha I also thought maybe you just like to argue. Lets forget it,I never stopped praying for you , and I hope one day you will be healed of all hurt , living with abuse of any kind is tough . My Dad went blind ,I know about the adjustments for both spouses.
---Darlene_1 on 1/5/06

Darlene, it is nice that you could tell Kimberly what was in your heart this way. When you explained it this time. I could tell you cared about Kimberly's feelings as well as her husband's. The tone of the post was entirely loving and supportive.

I am sorry I put you on the defensive before. I guess part of it is that I was married to someone who used sarcasm and put downs to communicate to me, and it hurt a great deal to be talked to that way.
---Madison on 1/5/06

Kimberly, disregard what others have said about my post to you. They put their own twist on it and are totally wrong. It wasn't my intention to attack you but to shock you into changing your mindset from "me" to "we". In marriage relationships with problems if a spouse begins to think of "me", then the marriage is doomed. Married couples, in hardships , must focus on their problems as a couple, only then can they endure and work through the trials that come their way.
---Darlene_1 on 1/5/06

Darlene: You are correct, I am not God's police. I am someone who hates to see someone kicked when they are down. They say the Christian Church is the only army that shoots its wounded. Your words are just that, shooting the wounded.
---Madison on 1/4/06

I see no hint of Kimberly seeming ready to give up on her husband at all. She is obviously stressed when she has to earn a living, all help offered is refused by her husband and he resents her not being there all the time. Whilst understanding his frustration and anger at what has happened to HIM, something awful has actually happened to HER also and her posting is a cry for help I'm sure not a 'come join my pity party' call. Let's give her some positive feedback or stay silent on the subject.
---M.A. on 1/4/06

Madison, sorry you don't like my method to get Kimberly's attention focused on her husband's loss more than her stress, you aren't God's Police, and you do appear to delight in a verbal fight, so I won't respond anymore , to posts on what I said . I saw Kimberly not only upset about husband's anger at her , but because he won't let others take part of the pressure off of her by going out with them. Seems like more than meets the eye . She does sound like she is ready to give up on him . Dory good advice.
---Darlene_1 on 1/4/06

If your husband is saved, play healing tapes for him to listen to. I remember hearing of a woman who was paralyzed and no longer able to look after herself. Every morning her husband carried her to the sofa where she sat all day watching Christian healing programs. When she wasn't watching videos she listened to healing Scriptures on cassette. All day long the living Word was going into her ears. This went on for 6 or 7 months before her miracle came. Her health was totally restored. The Word is powerful!
---DoryLory on 1/4/06

Darlene: I quote you, "I have no patience with people who want to give up on someone when the going gets tough." Nowhere in her post does she say she is giving up on her husband. She sounds like a woman caught between a rock and a hard place. She needs love and support and encouragement, not sarcasm. Sarcasm has no place in the words of a believer. Your original post was sarcastic.

Love is patient and kind. Try kindness.
---Madison on 1/3/06

Moderator, opps, sorry to make more work for you. I'll try to be more careful. Thanks for telling me I didn't know that before.
---Darlene_1 on 1/3/06

Madison, I do have compassion for her if you will read my last post you will see it, but if I didn't thats between me and God. I have no patience with people who want to give up on someone when the going gets tough. Refusing friends could be a matter of masculine pride, it's hard for a man to depend on others when he's been independent. I'd guess he's madder at the situation than her, but she's the only one he can vent to. Maybe a little loving hug and reassurance of love might help. Love covers many faults-sins.

Moderator - Darlene, please put a space after your periods so I don't have to edit. Thanks.
---Darlene_1 on 1/2/06

Alan: The questioner stated that friends have offered to come and get the husband, showing that they have people willing to help them. The husband refuses, and it appears, expects the wife to be the only one to care for him. How can she do this if she must go out to work to support them both? Both are trapped, and he is angry at her for being responsibile enough to go to work.

Darlene showed a great lack of compassion for Kimberly.
---Madison on 1/2/06

Madison ... I usually agree with everyting you say, especially when it is on issues of mental and physical health. I this case I have to say I agree with Darlene.
Thge questioner should be asking how casn she and her husband be helped to cope with this very difficult situation, not just complaing about him being ill.
---alan8869_of_UK on 1/2/06

Madison, it sounded harsh , I assure you I have compassion for Kimberly,but she needs a wake up call.I answered as a reflection of the way she ask the question.I've seen pain-sorrow a man in that position suffers.They need love,not rejection. Where was Kimberly's love in her angry attitude? I can't encourage someone to have a pity party when they need to be strong in Christ.Agreeing with someone who is wrong doesn't help them,they need honesty.I gave a Biblical answer,pray and love him.
---Darlene_1 on 1/2/06

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Darlene: Your response lacked Christian love and was totally sarcastic and cruel.
---Madison on 1/2/06

2. I cannot imagine how I would cope if I were in either position but you both need all the help you can get. Going out to work will help you keep your sanity as much as it will bring in the money but the days will seem very long to him when you are not there. Perhaps, in time, with the help of friends and carers you will come to a compromise when you could, perhaps work shorter hours and be with him longer. I pray it works out for you.
---emg on 1/2/06

cont: Your husband sounds depressed, which would make sense given his situation. He is experiencing great losses, and losing control over his life, not to mention his body.

I suggest you get him some therapy to help him adjust to his new situation, and for the two of you to learn how to live peacably with it.
---Madison on 1/1/06

Kimberly: I do understand how frustrating your situation can be. People should be more understanding to your dilemma. You are working in order to pay the bills, because your husband is no longer a wage earner. Instead of being supportive, your husband is angry at you for not being at home with him.
---Madison on 1/1/06

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Poor Kimberly,burdened with a man who spent life working for a living, you didn't say he didn't,shame on him for falling while he was laboring.He should be ashamed he had a stroke and did this to you,now going blind,I'm sure it's all on purpose.Have you studied the after effects of stroke,depression is one of them,plus a loss of independence will make anyone change.He's afraid of what's facing him and you are his comfort 1 hour to him is longer than one to you.Pray for him.Love him!
---Darlene_1 on 1/1/06

It's just not fair is it, when the time comes to fulfil that promise "in sickness and in health"?
---alan8869_of_UK on 1/1/06

If you had an accident, fell off a 40 ft Schafel, had a stroke, are going blind, can't drive, are at home all the time, refuse offers from friends, get mad because he is away from you at work, how would you want your husband to think of you and treat you?

Remember, you can't work, can't contribute, feel useless, are losing sight and your ability to communicate, and you are afraid.

Christians are expected to pick up their crosses daily - Lk 9:23. This seems to be yours.
---a_servant on 12/31/05

This is a situation that we all hope we will never find ourselves in, either as the patient or the spouse/carer. He will need a lot of reassurance that you still love him but you obviously cannot spent every hour of the day with him. Try to accept the offers of friends to either sit with him or take him out. In time he will adapt to a new lifestyle (from necessity not choice I know) and he will have to come to terms with the fact that you have to go out to earn money. You are in my prayers.
---M.P. on 11/30/05

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A mans self image is wrapped up in his ability to work. He gets mad at you not because you aren't home, but because you have to work to support him. What he needs is a support group of people who have experiencd what he is experiencing. He has to know he is not alone in this by being with others who have experienced some of the same things. (Just coming from you and friends who have not experienced what he is experiencing is important to him, but more important are people who have experienced this.)
---WIVV on 11/29/05

Kimberley, I have a friend back in New York who is going blind. He needs a lot of love and understanding. Reassure him that you love him and that you are only doing what's necessary for him and yourself. God bless you both!
---John on 11/29/05

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