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Humor Blog #12

Ah, the scents of Spring are upon us! Not Elder's coffee!
Humor Blog # 12!

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 ---NVBarbara on 3/10/06
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Why was the road upset?.... because he was crossed by the chicken.
---daphn8897 on 12/17/07

To the TOP everybody to the new Humor Blog.
---NVBarbara on 3/25/06

They won't let me open up a restaurant here in Stumpy creek (true place). All the town commission said was, that the local folks were not ready for that. How can you not be ready for a new eatin joint? You mix up some sausage with them swine bladders and you got a scrapple to die for! Whoo ho weeee! Momma taught me good! Gotta go, I just saw a critter out my window that would be a welcome guest for dinner. Now where's my keys to the truck?
---Olie on 3/25/06

My sister had a couple of toes missing. One went to market and the other one ate out. Had heartburn though. Too much roast beef. The little pig.
---Pupps on 3/25/06

..And now for something completely different..
There was a person who sent 20 different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
---NVBarbara on 3/24/06

Barbara I remember a rescue once. It was at a car crash where the driver had all of the little pinkies cut off of his feet.
I'm the hero that called a tow truck.
That was the day I began giving names to the flavors of my coffee.
There was Slam, Hammer Slam, and Sledge Hammer Slam just to name a few.
One guy drank some Sledge Hammer Slam and went bald. Well, he didn't go bald, just cut off all of his hair because it ached and hurt so much.
---Elder on 3/23/06

No matter Pupps, being jerky, or strange is a prerequisite for being on this blog!

Elder now I remember Mr.Dandy, he was always coming to the rescue!
(We're showing our ages!)
---NVBarbara on 3/23/06

He's a meat and his first name is really slim. Sort of related to jerky. Or am I jerky for getting on this band wagon?
---Pupps on 3/23/06

Dunno if his last name's Dandy or not, but he has his own line of clothes...a clothes line, see....cause everybody in every school has to wear Gym's clothes. Either that, or he has an awful lot of hand-me-downs. And he owns all the lockers too, so I guess if he wants to check them out in the girls' change room, it's his right.
---Ann5758 on 3/23/06

Nah, Nah you got it all wrong Ann. Gym is one of those big shots at the school. He has a place of power and no one challenges him.
I know he is really important because he is called "The Gym" all the time.
He must be hard on his employees cause I hear them say we are going to The Gym to work out. Work out nothin' I say go slap the guy and be done with it.
Wonder is his last name is Dandy?
---Eler on 3/23/06

Thankee Ann! That heps a lot, now I member that guy, caught him in the girls locker room once! Caint figgure for the life of me why he liked them lockers so much!
---NVBarbara on 3/22/06

Hey....this Phys Ed guy is also known as Gym ..does that help y'all atall?
---Ann5758 on 3/22/06

Now I can't believe that Olie is so unlearned and Barbara is so blonde.
We that is got the knowin knows that Phys Ed is sometin' they puts in Coke to make ya burp so you can show off to ya friends.
---Elder on 3/22/06

I don't get it Olie, but I'm blonde so I guess that explains it.
I never could figure out who that guy was either!
---NVBarbara on 3/22/06

Not to be skippin the subject or nothin and not sayin my blond cousin Becky is dumb but when she started high school she wanted to know just who this feller Phys. Ed was.
---Olie on 3/21/06

Y'all dunno wert yer talkin bout. Olie thers one of de bess kooks weesa got dern her. Dem critter toe an entrails soups kin keep yer goin fer days.
---daphn8897 on 3/21/06

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I'll skip the lunch and just have the barf bag! I'd rather eat the barf bag than anything Olie had whipped up, or run down!
---NVBarbara on 3/21/06

Uh-oh, Barb- you've won an Olie lunch special, complete with barf bag.
---Ann5758 on 3/21/06

Bzzzzzzzzzz...Wrongo Ralphie!
All 5 were in Vaudeville, but 4 were in movies, but the 4th one was only in 2 or 3 of their movies.
Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo and Gummo!
Not many clean movies to watch these days, I love my old movies!
"Animal Crackers" is my favorite.

Ask Elder, he was around during Vaudeville years!
---NVBarbara on 3/21/06

There were several Marx brothers who didn't make the act. You had Jello Marx who was very transparent and couldn't stop jiggling in front of the camera. Then there was Crisco Marx who was too fat. Pepto Marx was a brother that nobody could stomach. And don't forget Carpo, there was always something fishy about him.
---ralph7477 on 3/21/06

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Since we're sort of on the subject, who knows the name of the 5th Marx brother?
Olie will cook for you if you know!
And no, it wasn't Capt. Spalding!
---NVBarbara on 3/21/06

You can call me 'Mom', but it had NOTHING to do with Slappy I assure you!
I do have a son named Bob!
---NVBarbara on 3/20/06

Or maybe it was Grouchy Mertz who had a brother who played the harp...I know....Harpy Mertz
---Ann5758 on 3/20/06 I win?
---Ann5758 on 3/20/06

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I am going into a new business and the Grand Opening is next week! It's a new health club. Do you think an exercise belt and a medicine ball will do it? Might even through in a few puzzles from a 1955 TV Guide. What's a four letter word for a grouchy Mertz?
---Cosmo on 3/20/06

Hey, Barbara, You couldn't have raised Slappy's son either. Or should we call you Moms?
---Bob on 3/20/06

Hey, Slappy, are you trying to say that JR was raised by his Grandparents?
---Elder on 3/20/06

We don't all eat this way Vlad! In fact, Olie is the only one I know who does!
Are you in the U.S. Vlad?

Hey Elder, break me off a chunk of that coffee, I need a little pick me up!
---NVBarbara on 3/19/06

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Olie, your a trip, son. If they ever open up an act for you in swamp hollar West Virginia, You'll sell em out! Still don't know where Jr. is. Last I heard, he was spotted on a hog barge going to the Orient. The boy is always thinking about food. I would still lay odds that he would pass on Olie's cooking. He may not be the freshest Twinkie in the box but his daddy didn't raise a fool.
---Slappy on 3/19/06

Really, 10 lbs., Barbara? Maybe this Olie diet is a good thing. I could shed a few lbs. Olie should write a book. No pills, just gross out reading material. After reading his last one I'm thinking of eating just enough food to stay alive!
---Bob on 3/19/06

And people say Russian food strange.
---Vlad on 3/19/06

Olie! What are you trying to do?
I was just going to sit down to eat a nice meal yesterday but no, I had to come to this blog first. Well, guess what? I never did eat or have I eaten since. You could put the diet pill people out of business!
---Pupps on 3/19/06

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It puts a whole new meaning to "Soups on"! If soups on, I'm gone!
Olie, You sir, I will never forget, or is that ferget? You must be saved to eat your food. This way your ready, no matter what happens.
Is it true that you were a Pimple Popper for Yabba the Hut for three years, which gave you the inspiration for your creative cream sauces?
---John on 3/19/06

2 guys are out in a kayak, and it gets cold, so they decide to make a fire- right in the middle of the kayak. Well, unfortunately, the whole thing goes up in flames, and the poor guys have to swim to shore, which just goes to prove......... you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
---Ann5758 on 3/19/06

I've lost 10 lbs. since Olie posted his last 'recipe!'
I just think of it and I loose my appitite.
---NVBarbara on 3/19/06

Barb, that's silwy wilwy wabbit.
---Eloy on 3/18/06

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Give me Elder's coffee any day. Olie has got to have him beat. As Rosanna Dana used to say. "That was disgusting"! I can't get this out of my mind! I can't eat soup anymore! If I do I'll always be looking in my soup. What's that? Eeew!
---Linda on 3/18/06

Olie, You could write a book. "Most disgusting recipes". I think that your on to something. All I have to do is read your recipes and I won't want to eat for the rest of the day. South Beach and Adkins got nothing on you! Now if I can only sleep at night after reading your cuisine ideas. It is cuisine, right?
---Ralph on 3/18/06

Hey everybody, It's almost spring and I'm gonna be doin some spring cleanin! That means that I'll be sortin out the old winter critters from the smokhouse or the freezer. I MAKE AN ENTRAIL SOUP TO DIE FOR! Mmmm mm!
It's all part of my South Belch diet. You just a can't help but passin gas and belchin for the season. folks around you are just thankful that everybody is outdoors.
And remember it should really be Get-er-done! Not Get-r-done. Rippp! Excuse me. I know, there's no excuse for me.
---Olie on 3/18/06

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks "Hey, why the long face?"
---ralph7477 on 3/18/06

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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One is adopted by Egyptians and named "Ahmal." The other goes to Spain and is given the name "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. After seeing it she tells her husband that she'd like to see a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband replies. "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
---NVBarbara on 3/18/06

Nah Tom, no belly button, but he needed a bath badly since he was made of the dust and dirt of the ground!
---NVBarbara on 3/18/06

There's a religion who states that Adam had no belly button, making him superior to all mankind. This is one of the weaker deceptions, yet many gullible have joined the cult professing this falsehood and have been led astray by it. Adam was the first prototype made from the dust of the earth and Anima from his rib. Since neither had a mother, therefore neither one had an umbilical cord nor a belly button. However this doesn't make these first creatures superior, nor does it raise them to the place of God.
---Eloy on 3/18/06

Did Adam have a belly button asbnd if so was it an innie or and outie?
---Tom on 3/17/06

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Yo Elder, is that how Jeraldleen gets you to do what she wants you to? You should have never taught her how to hypnotize chickens! If she can do that, hypnotizing you would be a breeze!
---NVBarbara on 3/17/06

My cousin Flubber has the mumps and is having a swell time. My aunt Hairy was at death's door, and the doctor was trying to pull her through. My uncle Wort has the measles, and the doctor who diagnosed him made a rash decision. Mr cousin Melanoma went to the doctor, and he told her she was fat. She told him she wanted a 2nd opinion, and he said, ok- you're ugly too. Bah-dum-bum.
---Ann5758 on 3/17/06

It's starting to get warm again here in sunny NC. Last year was a hot one, remember? I must have sweated a gallon of water a day! I'm a heavy sweater anyway (marked down from $59.95).
I'll have to break out my big Patton wind machine. It's my biggest fan!
---John on 3/17/06

He was not chicken at all to cross the road. He had just seen a Duck quack up trying to do the same thing.
I fed a Chicken some of my coffee once and he crossed the road. Not because he wanted to but because he had too.
Truth is stranger than fiction... I know how to hypnotize a Chicken. Hey Barbara you wanta learn this talent. (It is really true)
But I may wait until I go on the Tonight show Today to explain it.
---Elder on 3/17/06

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Did you hear about the guy who walked into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm?
He told the bartender to give him a beer, and one for the road!
---NVBarbara on 3/17/06

If I see a chicken cross the road, then a cock following, if I happen to look accross the road and see an ark, I will put together my life savings and buy a real nice boat.
---esan on 3/17/06

Daphne according to Jung, the chicken may have just dreamed he/she crossed the road.
It was symbolic of someone gently holding the chicken and then wringing his neck to fry it up for 'dinner on the grounds' at the local Baptist church!
---NVBarbara on 3/16/06

That's funny Vlad, good to see you back with us bro!
---NVBarbara on 3/16/06

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Why chicken cross road?

They serving all hot wings you can eat, on other side.
---Vlad on 3/16/06

Why do I think the chicken crossed the road? Do I look like I care? I'm not a chicken shrink...the chicken was nutso as far as I'm concerned. The stupid thing could become roadkill in my humble opinion, or smooshed into the front grill of some passing SUV. I tell you, if that thing was dumm enuff to try to cross a road in the first place,it deserves what it gets. Or it could all be a bad dream like Dallas or Newhart.
---Ann5758 on 3/16/06

The chicken crossed the road doing about 40MPH getting away from Olie!
---NVBarbara on 3/16/06

Mod is just pulling your leg Eloy! We love having you here, and you are funny when the mood strikes you!
YOU made me do a 'Heckle and 'Jeckle' search!
Where is 'Heckle' BTW (Elder)? The name fits, because he does!
---NVJeckle on 3/16/06

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moderator, I see. I know humor is not my forte. But once in a great while I can make someone laugh. I wish I had some of Barbs and Elder's gift of humor. They crack me up sometimes.
---Eloy on 3/16/06

Ann, Why do YOU think the chicken crossed the road? Was is something the road said or did that made him cross? Another question, was the road really crossed or was it all just a big misunderstanding? And when the chicken allegedly crossed the road, what was his motive? What did he have to gain? Was the chicken even a he..... or really a SHE???
---daphn8897 on 3/16/06

#3-JERRY SEINFELD:"Why does anyone cross a road?I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask,"What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" CAPTAIN KIRK:"To boldly go where no chicken has gone before." BILL CLINON:"I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.What do you mean by chicken?Could you define chicken, please?" L.A.P.D:"Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out." COLONEL SANDERS:"I missed one?"
---Ann5758 on 3/16/06

#2-JOHNNY COCHRAN:"Because the road was black and the chicken was white.We must acquit." BILL GATES:"I have just released eChicken 2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken." GRANDPA:"In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us."
---Ann5758 on 3/16/06

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#1-Why did the chicken cross the road? BILL COSBY:"Well,you see-the chicken crossed the road-to get to-the Jello pudding pops." HOMER SIMPSON:"There was free beer on the other side." SHAKESPEARE;"To cross or not to cross-that is the question." DARWIN:"It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees." MOSES:"And God said unto the chicken,'Thou shalt cross the road.'And the chicken crossed the road,and there was much rejoicing."
---Ann5758 on 3/16/06

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any!
---NVBarbara on 3/16/06

moderator, explain yourself. I know the title of this blog, I may be blond, but I'm not uneducated.

Moderator - I am teasing Ann in her statement that she is here to serve you as this is the Humor Blog.
---Eloy on 3/16/06

Welcome, Eloy...I am here to serve.

Moderator - Remember Eloy, this is the humor blog.
---Ann5758 on 3/15/06

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Ralph, I thank you (I think) :o)

The expression, probably more a northeastern US, is to take or hang a louie or ralph. iow to turn left or right. I guess living near Philly for 20+ years has taken its toll.
---daphn8897 on 3/15/06

Ah Ha, Ah Ha! I found it!
HECKLE and JECKLE by Terrytoons! First aired in 1946.
I found it on the Net with pictures of the Magpies! It says one spoke with a British accent, and the other with sort of a 'Brooklynese' accent.
'Goofy Gophers' was a Warner cartoon, Chip and Dale was from Disney.
I think 'Heckle' would suit Elder!
---NVBarbara on 3/14/06

Daphne, I can't answer you because I have no idea what any of that means. But because you thought of me I will reward you with a little tidbit of humor. Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? We know this to be the case because if it was invented anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.
---ralph7477 on 3/14/06

I know the name Owl Jolson, and I can almost picture him, but I can't actually remember seeing his cartoons. I remember the first cartoon I was a Felix the Cat, and he & his girlfriend were running out onto the limb of a tree and diving into a river, then back up the limb and diving off again. Seems like I saw that one cartoon every single day for
---Ann5758 on 3/14/06

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Ann, Thanks.
---Eloy on 3/14/06

Hey Ralph, when folks say they're going to take a Louie or a Ralph, are you the Ralph they're taking?
---daphn8897 on 3/14/06

Hey Ann, you seem to be knowlegeable about old cartoons. Do you remember the one with Owl Jolson? He likes to sing-ah, about the moon-ah and the June-ah and the Spring-ah, he likes to sing-ah.
---ralph7477 on 3/14/06

what do you call a blind dinosaur?

i dont think he saurus
---natasha on 3/14/06

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Trivia: the 2 little gophers who were always very polite to each other were first billed just as "The Goofy Gophers", but on the Bugs Bunny Show, starting in 1960, they were named "Mac" and "Tosh". There you go.
---Ann5758 on 3/13/06

Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken?
Why I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt thought of divorcing him, but we needed the eggs!
(Groucho Marx)
---NVBarbara on 3/13/06

If Slappy went to a Baptist church he would be called a Slaptist!
---John on 3/13/06

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