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Humor Blog #14

Please Mr. Mod...HUMOR BLOG # 14! C'mon all you gigglers, join in!

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 ---NVBarbara on 4/19/06
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Okey, here is one for the books. I am sick and tired of dealing with Satan. Ha, ha, ha, ho. I made it one more day. I never could do this without God's HELP. God calls it a mission. I call it--------.
---catherine on 7/23/08

I surely do miss relaxed and friendly blogs such as this. (And July 22, 2008 is the true date I posted this, not the old stuff re- dated!)
---NV_Barbara on 7/22/08

hi Fred S.
i really laughed my heart out
well, a similar thing actually happened in the adult church ( i was by then at the children's class)

Priest gave an assignment to members to read Ps. 151 as preparation for the next week's topic "telling lies"

on the Sunday in question, just before the sermon, the priest wanted to know how may had read the passage and almost all hand were up.
he encouraged the "obedient worshipers" to raise their hands high enough and told the congregation to notice of them.
after asking them to put down their hands, he cooling announced that the Psalms ended at 150 when i later heard it i laughed till my sides hurt and i still do anytime i remember ....
---patience on 7/22/08

Christian humor keeps the soul alive
---Bill on 7/13/08

A sign I saw in front of a church:

---NVBarbara on 6/1/08

Maters and taters.... all that matters, my hat's in tatters....
---Ranch_Dip on 7/22/07

My daddy liked salads. Matters n tatters were good too.
---Ted on 7/22/07

Cannot find the new humor blog?
---Jes on 7/22/07

My daddy liked tatters and bisquits. Don't ask about the white gravies. Remember Captain Memo's menu's aboard the Nautilus? Remind's me of a guy who used to come on here. His name was Olie, I believe. He had some pretty disgusting recipes. Yeachhh! Don't think I'll have that snack tonight.
---tick on 7/20/07

A little boy is looking through a very old family Bible. He finds a very dried up leaf in it.

His mother asks "What have you got there son?"

Bewildered he says "I think I just found Adam's suit".
---Helen_5378 on 7/20/07

Just heard this on Moody

Q. What is it called when a tad pole goes under water and comes up a Frog?

A. Baptism
---Joker on 7/19/07

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. It dosen't matter, he won't come anyway.
---Bruce5656 on 7/14/07

Everybody move to the top! The new Humor Blog!
---NVBarbara on 5/12/06

Funny John! Can you paste this on the new Humor Blog?
---NVBarbara on 5/12/06

My 44 years-old Christian "little sister" sent me NEW WORDS FOR 2006:

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

Enjoy them, and laugh. This is the HUMOR BLOG! BTW I cleaned some things up to get it by the mods.
---John_T on 5/12/06

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes on everything, then leaves.

3. A__MOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
---John_T on 5/12/06

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5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
---John_T on 5/12/06

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
---John_T on 5/12/06

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The art of whacking the stuff out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
---John_T on 5/12/06

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
---John_T on 5/12/06

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Where IS everybody??? I know dear Elder is offline for a while, but where are our usual suspects??

Did you hear of the Buddhist who refused Novacaine during a root canal? His goal: Trancend Dental Medication...
---NVBarbara on 5/9/06

I was noticing at church this morning that a lot of people who were singing "Standing on the Promises" were just sitting on the premises!
---NVBarbara on 5/7/06

Yes Barbara, I hate that Burger King! He's been creeping out kids since his commercials came out. If it was real, Mr. Burger King would be dead if he came up to my window, the first thing in the morning. I would just have to shoot him on reflexes alone. Can you imagine if that big head came at you? Maybe Burger King is trying to scare us into eating less. It's like that Quiznose baby. My friend will not eat their food because that voice with that baby is not natural and it creeps him out. True story.
---John on 5/5/06

I seem to have lost a post or 2, I thought I wrote on this blog. Maybe Mod didn't like it! I am SO creeped out when they run the Burger King ads on TV! The king with the big head, yikes! The really icky one is where all those guys wake him up; all they need is an Indian and it would look like the Village People!
---NVBarbara on 5/4/06

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I know of those Attorneys. They are associated with Suckerman & Suckerman, Simon and Schiester, Ule Paymore, Seymore Cash, Bill Chaser and Sue Evermore.
---John on 5/1/06

Buckwheat says: "Buweet say Otay"!

Slingblade says: "Your just a boy, ya ought not be talkin like that. Mmmha! More biscuits and gravy, please".
---Slip on 5/1/06

Daphne, soitenly I'll watch if Curly's in it. Shemp is alright in a pinch. Joe is intolerable. Then there's always the Little Rascals who formed the official He-man Woman Haters Club. Although, Alfalfa should have been thrown out for trying to make time with that little Darla. O-tay Banky.
---ralph7477 on 4/29/06

Just in case some folks don't know..."Woman Haters" is a 3 Stooges show/episode.
---daphn8897 on 4/28/06

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Ralph, May I join you, at least in spirit... with the bowl of ice cream, couch potato-ing it - perhaps watching something very silly ("Woman Haters" comes to mind).
---daphn8897 on 4/28/06

That's the beauty of these blogs Daphne. Whenever I feel that urge to be nagged I simply post an opinion on any subject. Then for a couple days I get corrected, scolded, called insensitive, etc. Ah, just like the good old days. But the best part is that when I get e-nagged I can walk away from the computer and be a couch potato with a big bowl of ice cream in peace and quiet! Gotta love technology.
---ralph7477 on 4/28/06

Nyuk, Nyuk Ralphie! Consider this my pushing and prodding! Get your PSA checked! Steve's was over 18. when his cancer was discovered, it should NEVER be over 4. At his last check-up, his PSA was 0.3! BTW, he is enjoying life!
---NVBarbara on 4/28/06

Dearest Ralph, I am more than willing to nag you, without the committment of marriage. I would count it a privilege and a joy... I understand that some men just have that desperate need in their lives, and I certainly would hate for you to be lacking... ;o)
---daphn8897 on 4/28/06

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Barb, single guys don't go to the doctor to get checked out. Most men need a woman to push, prod, and make the appointment. That's why married men tend to live longer than single men, although they might not necessarily want to. ;>)
---ralph7477 on 4/28/06

Ralph, all you guys should be checked for medical problems. My hubby had severe Prostate cancer, but God directed him to the one Dr. who was using a new method of treatment and Steve is totally healed!
You may want to read his book, "Where's the loo" by Dr. I.P. Freely.
---NVBarbara on 4/27/06

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
to which he replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask".
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
---Lupe2618 on 4/27/06

I live in a semi-rual area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason;
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out there!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore".
---Lupe2618 on 4/27/06

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Wow, we all use the same lawyers!
They represented us in a 'freak accident.'
OK I confess, Elder was with us, otherwise it would have just been a regular accident.
---NVBarbara on 4/26/06

It's funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
---Lisa on 4/26/06

Well said Elder! I had something else to tell you but I forgot!
---Lisa on 4/26/06

I want to know if Adam had a belly button, and if so, was it an "inny", or an "outie".
---Dan on 4/26/06

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Ah haa! Attornies Dewey, Cheetum and Howe are my lawyers. I hired them during the dreaded Niagra Falls incident. Soooo, whatta ya think of that Pally?...hmmmm?
---daphn8897 on 4/26/06

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
---Fred_S. on 4/26/06

Barb, I can also recommend a couple good self-help books. "Be Wimpy No More" by Ivana B. Manly. Ladies might enjoy "How To Land A Husband" by Amanda Huginkiss.
---ralph7477 on 4/26/06

So Daphne, you think my humor is corny? I suppose there is a kernel of truth to that. You certainly have an ear for this sort of thing. At least I don't have to worry that somebody will stalk me. Shall I go on? Any more defamatory remarks and you will be contacted by my attorneys: Dewey, Cheetum and Howe.
---ralph7477 on 4/26/06

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I read that book Ralph! Didn't her brother Ben help her research the book?

Another I've read recently is "Under the Grandstands" by Seymour Butts, a classic!
---NVBarbara on 4/26/06

Hey, I thought this was a humor blog... seems like Ralph thinks is a farm blog... with all the "corn" he's a spreadin... ;o)
---daphn8897 on 4/26/06

Just got done reading a good book; "Off the Cliff" by Eileen Dover. Another book of note: "Improve Your Vision" by Seymour Clearly.
---ralph7477 on 4/26/06

I saw a church sign that said:

For God so loved the world that He didn't send a committee.
---Linda6563 on 4/26/06

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That's been my contention about polygamists Donna. Who in their right mind would want many wives? That would also mean many mothers in law!
---NVBarbara on 4/25/06

This is a mother-in-law joke that has to do with Jesus. It's really cute.
What was the closest Jesus ever came to making a mistake? When He healed Peter's mother in law. Get it? Folks have problems with their mother in law
---Donna on 4/25/06

Hello everyone
U are all quite silly
My funnybone - ouch
O the wonder of a cleanly twisted mind
Ready to share vast frivolities....
---daphn8897 on 4/25/06

$3.00 a gallon in this part of Ca. expected to go to $4.oo soon (this week?). Now, almost everything else will go up and I just wonder why my wage isn't increasing along with.
---Alexandra on 4/23/06

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Yikes Alan! If I lived in the UK I'd travel only on my Norton! MANY more miles to the gallon than a car!
---NVBarbara on 4/23/06

Hey gang... Put those Nuclear Pretzels back in the bag! How do ya know that Lisa wasn't telling a joke?
After all Lisa Means
L= Laughing
I= In
S= Style
A= Again.
I agree Plastic jokes(???) are about as funny as making a bologna sandwich with the paper picture that comes in the package. That's the one I always got growing up.
Hey Barbara would you dig me up some NV Cactus and send 'em to me?
---Elder on 4/23/06

I don't know whetther to put this on the Whats' U" blog, or on this humour one.
Petrol (gasoline to you USA guys) is hitting 1 a litre here in the UK. That is 6 for a gallon ... But since the US gallon is a bit smaller than the UK galloon, I reckon it amounts to only about $9 for a US gallon.
---alan8869_of_UK on 4/23/06

You made me smile Fred, TY!
---NVBarbara on 4/21/06

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Just accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue...
---NVBarbara on 4/21/06

Then please feel free to share a funny story with us Lisa!
---NVBarbara on 4/21/06

Lisa, It's all in fun. I made someone smile today. That's all it matters. I'm so sorry it was not you!
---Fred_S. on 4/21/06

I much prefer a real joke than a cut / copy and paste kinda stuff. So plastic it sounds!
---Lisa on 4/21/06

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Fred, Your Noah joke made me laugh.
---Eloy on 4/21/06

Q. What child didn't have a mother?
A. Joshua, the son of Nun.
---Rebecca_D on 4/20/06

It is easier to preach 10 sermons than to live one.
Opportunity only knocks once but temptation bangs on your door forever. If the church wants a better preacher, then the church needs to pray for the one it has. God himself does not propose to judge man until he is dead so why should we. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose..but ticks and chiggers come close.
---Rebecca_D on 4/20/06

Q: Who were the three most constipated men in the Bible?

1) Moses, he had to take two tablets, twice.
2) Davis was on the throne for forty years
3) Paul said "None of these things move me."

Hey mod, let it through! Everyone has to use the potty, and it is not offensive!
---John_T on 4/20/06

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Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
---Fred_S. on 4/20/06

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
---Fred_S. on 4/20/06

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
---Fred_S. on 4/20/06

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
---Fred_S. on 4/20/06

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I seldom can think up funny stuff, I think it's a blessing to be able to make people laugh. I think those chihuahua taco bell dogs are cute. Did you see that commercial where the lady goes to clean off the table, so she takes the corners of the table cloth and just pulls it up with all the dishes and stuff still on it? that was funny.
---Eloy on 4/20/06

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.....
---daphn8897 on 4/20/06

But those dogs make great door stops Bruce!
(that was bad)

Thought for the day:
It takes a big man to cry,
but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man while he's crying.
---NVBarbara on 4/20/06

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