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This Is The Grief Blog

This is a GRIEF BLOG. Share your mourning loss of a loved one, job or something significant. Share your loss and share how you got through it.

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 ---John_T on 4/25/06
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Becky,I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I know it's hard to watch a loved one suffer. I lost Dad 19 years ago to pnuemonia complicated by lukemia and diabetes. For 17 days Dad set up in a recliner,he couldn't breathe laying down. Mom and I stayed day and night at the hospital with him,praying all the time for healing,but it didn't come. On the 16th day of his suffering we both,without the other knowing it,began to pray "God if he isn't going to get well,take him home.",On 17th day he died. Home with Jesus. We knew and took comfort in knowing God laid it on both our hearts to pray that way,and Dad was out of suffering. Faith and prayers saw us through.
---Darlene_1 on 3/13/09

I lost my father 1-29-09. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 1-21-09. This was a very quick and painful process for my father, as well as for me. There is no one in the world that I was closer to than my father. I am trying so hard to get through this and am having trouble believing that my father is with me now. My religion has not been a large part of my life, and I regret that. Now in this time of great sorrow I feel there is nothing that I need more than the comfort that this can offer me. If there is anyone that could please take a moment to respond and help me to get on the right track, I will be forever grateful..thank you in advance.
---becky on 2/28/09

Sorry for all of your grief.
---Mark on 1/28/08

To all who are hurting! Is. 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee because he trusteth in thee. Keep this is mind whenever you hurt and it truely will help!! There is healing in God's word!! And so much comfort! Without his precious word, I couldn't have come thru my own griefs. Not to say you won't hurt anymore but it seems more bearable with the Lord.
---Brenda on 5/11/06

I apologize for not getting back sooner. Please forgive me for being too preoccupied to tend to your needs.

How long ago did your daughter die? How old was she? Most important, what have you done to assuage the grief in the interim?
---John_T on 5/11/06

I am glad that you have a new, better marriage! Our God is the God of second chances; we do not need to be stuck in the ruts of the past. That is why I emphasize what I originally said.

I suggest you cut-and-paste my answers and your responses, and print them out. Give a copy to Hubby as you eat dessert, asking his opinion, and giving yours.

Whatever you decide is OK. However, the opening up of communication in that area will strengthen your marriage. Make sense?
---John_T on 5/10/06

It was a long time ago John. I didn't name them or have services for them, my husband would not agree to that.
I raised my son alone and he is a fine young man of 32 years old.
I married almost 3 years ago and I have love and peace. God has been generous to me!
Thank you for caring my brother.
---NVBarbara on 5/10/06

Sorry to hear about the marriage disolving, it is never a good situation.

HoweverIMO it is a good thing to name the children, and to have some sort of memorial service.

"Closure" is over used, but the process of having a funeral service does have good after effects for the survivors of deaths of unborn children.

Talk it over with some trusted friends, and see what they say.
---John_T on 5/4/06

It was long ago John, nearly 30 years. I didn't cope well for a while, especially after the 2nd one. I do have one son who is my 'miracle child.' Sadly as is common, the marriage dissolved after 11 years. How much the babies had to do with it is hard to say. My ex was a womanizer and was physically abusive. He left us when our son was 4 years old.
---NVBarbara on 5/4/06

NV Barbara:
My heart goes out on the pre-birth death of your children. How have you coped? Some find solace having named the children, with a memorial service for each to assuage the grief.

How have you&hubby fared in this? Any child's death places strain on the marriage, but two really puts it to the test. Have you had any counseling about this?

As I mentioned to Eloy the video series, and discussion group for Grief Share is a great support. Wife and I found it very helpful.
---John_T on 5/4/06

Wow, everybody surely got off the subject!
My prayers go out to all of you who have experienced grief and mourning in your lives.
I had 2 stillbirths, both as I was entering my 8th month of pregnancy. Those were sad times, but I believe I will see them in heaven.
Just a note to Alan, if you want your name with a cap A, why do write it in lower case?
---NVBarbara on 5/2/06

Alan, it's my pleasure.
---Eloy on 5/1/06

Eloy ... thank you for your explanation about the names.
---alan8869_of_UK on 5/1/06

Moderator, yes, but that's a gross understatement. I spent thousands of dollars, which I had to borrow, on a Jewish lawyer which did nothing, and was inappropriately being amicable to the defense attorney. Then he had the nerve to ask for more money for appeals. I have zero respect for this country, and their fiasco of a judicial system, for ever since Barabbas and Christ, they still continually crucify the innocent and let the guilty go free, all for money.

Moderator - You are correct the legal system is about money and if justice is served then alright.
---Eloy on 5/1/06

alan, also if you will notice my postings, sometimes I do not even respond to certain people, for they are only scoffers and accusers, and they malign everything I say. I prefer to redeem the time and minister to those who will recieve it, rather than cast my pearls before those who dis it.
---Eloy on 5/1/06

When someone loses their family through divorce they at least have a hope, "a hope in Christ" that they can get them back through forgiveness. Somewhere, they are out there and need that hope we can give them but it takes someone with a humble heart and if they don't come back at least we can trust God to take care of them. When someone loses them to death our hope is still "in Christ", that one day we will see them. MHO.
---Lupe2618 on 5/1/06

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alan, please read Psalm 37:12-15 which I cited below. alan, if you notice my postings, sometimes I capitalize and sometimes I do not capitalize. A few times I have capitalized your name in the past, so for uppercasing the beginning of a name or word, I have complete liberty to do so at my own discretion.
---Eloy on 5/1/06

2. and compares himself above God, he is not in love with our Lord. I have cleaned many a crappy toilet and never thought that was worse then dying on the cross for the salvation of others. Putting themselves in the same class or higher then Christ is so wrong. Why Eloy doesn't come out and just tell the truth instead of avoiding the questions with words. He is angry cause he didn't get what he wanted. Now God is to blame for his failures yet everyone is guilty except him.
---Lupe2618 on 5/1/06

I believe the true test for a person to see if he/she is saved is not "whether he sins or not for all come short of the glory of God" but the test is, "if you have a deep love for Christ". No body can be a Christian if he/she doesn't have that. The lost have enmity against God. Eloy speaks of Christ worst thing He did was to wash the disciples feet and never had to clean a crappy toilet. When someone puts themselves and their lives above our Savior,
---Lupe2618 on 5/1/06

Eloy ... Does God enjoy putting the unsaved iot torment? Does He laugh at the thought?
As to names, it is usual courtesy to write another's name with an Upper case first letter. If you grant that courtesy to yourself, you should grant others the same courtesy.
---alan8869_of_UK on 5/1/06

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John T, My children were kidnapped and I have paid an unspeakable price. Yes, I am happy with what I did 20+ years ago, but I am not happy with what others did 20+ years ago.
---Eloy on 4/30/06

Moderator, in the same way ex's do.

Moderator - I guess you looked for help in the California courts and were rebuffed?
---Eloy on 4/30/06

alan, It's unforunate that you believe the saved still sin. The truth is if a person sins they are not saved, but lost. The born-again do not sin, but instead do well. BTW, to the Christian, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. And I have consideration whether or not to capitalize the first letter of any name or word; my name can be written eloy or Eloy or ELOY.
---Eloy on 4/30/06

Pierr, "The wicked plots against the just, and gnashes upon him with his teeth. YHWH will laugh at him: for he sees that his day is coming. The wicked have drawn out the sword, and have bent their bow, to cast down the poor and needy, to slay such as be of upright conversation. Their sword will enter into their own heart, and their bows will be broken." Psalm 37:12-15.
---Eloy on 4/30/06

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Lupe: Sorry to hear of your wife's death.
Losing any loved one is tough. But when they seem to be running at flank speed away from love of home, and Christ, it is like making an aircraft carrier turn hard to port. There is momentum propelling forward, and there is resistance against the rudder. Too sudden of a move may snap the rudder, or cause a dangerous list. In my daughter's case, she tried too hard to do right after doing wrong, that her cerebral artery, stretched like a gum band, snapped.
---John_T on 4/30/06

Eloy: Was just browsing when I read that you were laughing with God at the foolishness of men. I did not know that God laughs when we act foolishly. Can you support that from scripture? Thanks. P.
---Pierr5358 on 4/30/06

You wrote on 4/26 of kidnapping and extortion, but your other posts make it seem otherwise. Please tell us which one it is, exactly. This is not to judge you, most of us are not happy with some of the things we did 20+ years ago, but to help YOU th rough it.

Nevertheless, you should look into Grief Share to help you process through the loss.
---John_T on 4/30/06

Moderator, kidnapping.

Moderator - How can the California court system kidnap? I can understand how an Ex could kidnap, but how could the court?
---Eloy on 4/30/06

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..bruce, I already do this. Nevertheless my righteousness will not absolve the wicked of their condemnation.
---Eloy on 4/30/06

Eloy... when asking about names, I was wondering why you will not use my name which is Alan, and not alan, and Karen's which is not karen. After all, you call yuorself Eloy, not eloy.
---alan8869_of_UK on 4/30/06

Eloy... when I said innocent, I should have said saved. Yes, I do believe that those who are saved can still sin. Your joy at the destruction of thousands of lives lost on 9/11 seems to say that all were being punished by God, and you took no account of those Christians who were taken too.
---alan8869_of_UK on 4/30/06

John T, I don't know what to say. You cannot restore a relationship that has been robbed. When strangers take babies from their bird's nest, and then later return them, how can I resume to care for that which is gone? They are estranged. Moderator, no. I know that more than one stranger had the children, and I also know that the wonderful California court system is responsible for destroying their lives also.

Moderator - Foster Care?
---Eloy on 4/29/06

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alan, according to your own theology you maintain that all people are sinners and that no one is innocent. And if your theology is correct, then how do you explain an innocent one perishing in the destruction? Yes, I laugh along with God at the foolishness of the wicked, for they think that they are so great and that they will escape condemnation; but he that made the eye, will he not see, and the ear, will he not hear? yea, they will all likewise perish in their sins.
---Eloy on 4/29/06

alan, Note below that I used both your name and karen's when I replied to you both in the same reply.
---Eloy on 4/29/06

What happened to "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;" Matthew 5:44
---Bruce5656 on 4/29/06

Eloy ... it was you who said "Thus this country deserves every evil thing it gets", and you later indicate you are glad of it, and you ignore the innocents who died on 11/9 and in London on 7/7
And it would be nice if you could give us the courtesy of addressing us properly by our Names, as we do to you, and as you claim for yourself.
---alan8869_of_UK on 4/29/06

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With the data you have given here in the thread about your missing children, it is possible for some of us to do some searching for you on the net to help you in your search.
There is hope, and there are many resources here. Just give us permission.

Moderator - Eloy, is the situation that the courts during your divorce awarded the kids to your wife?
---John_T on 4/29/06

part 2. gave her high blood pressure medicine and told her nobody would find such symptoms in her medical book. I believe her immune system went to zilch because of pills and cigarettes. She did get her life straight before she left us. She told me God got her attention and she was glad. She begged God to take her out of pain. My prayers are with you John T.
---shira on 4/29/06

John T. my grief is similar to your, almost parallel. My daughter passed away with lung and brain cancer. She was addicted to prescription drugs and cigarettes. Every emergency room turned her away or laughed at her. When she got really sick with the cancer, (I believe, caused by pills in place of food) and cigarettes, she couldn't get anyone to believe her and she didn't have insurance so they wouldn't help her. Even when the brain cancer caused leg seizures, the stupid dr. cont...
---shira on 4/29/06

karen, I have perfect peace, because I know that God will destroy the wicked and deliver the righteous. It may sound horrible that God throws people into hell, but look what they do to us who are innocent, and look what they did to our blessed Savior. To turn a blind eye to all their unspeakable damage and wickedness would be wrong. God is just.
---Eloy on 4/29/06

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karen and alan, I don't call wrath on any one, sinners do that to themselves by their own sins. I desire all to repent and come to righteousness, but all will not. God will not allow the ungodly to continue to hurt and destroy his own, he removes them. People choose hell's destruction themselves over God and his way. We cry night and day for deliverance from the injustice of the wicked, and God is longsuffering, but he is not neglegent to us his children who constantly cry out to him for justice.
---Eloy on 4/29/06

Eloy ... I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your children, but surely it is unfair to blame your country, or to call down wrath on your fellow citizens.
Are you suggesting that 9/11 killed only unbelievers?
I know at least two of the victims of our July bus bombs were Christians, and I expect the same proportions applied in 9/11
---alan8869_of_UK on 4/28/06

..eloy, I had sympathy for you when you said of losing your kids, but what you are saying is that you do agree with the murder of all the innocent people in 9/11. In other words, forget the good one's but the bad one's deserve to die. Instead of wishing for them to be save through God's word, you wish them to die instead. You even sound happy about it. What a horrible thing to say to all those that lost a love one. How can a true child of Christ wish that on others? May God give you peace.
---karen on 4/28/06

Eloy: 1/2
When the tower of Siloam fell on those worshipping, according to Jesus, some said that they deserved it. However, he made it clear that evil things happen to good people, and that is just the way things are.

In your case, it was evil people chosing to do an evil thing, and you were in the cross hairs of the Enemy.
I strongly recommend you attend a Christian video course called Grief Share.
---John_T on 4/28/06

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Grief Share is NOT therapy. Rather, it is wounded Christians recieving from other wounded Christians the comfort that we recieve from Christ alone, based on 2Cor1:3-4 "...our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort we ourselves are comforted of God. KJV.

From experience, it is good. Trust me on that one, OK?
---John_T on 4/28/06

Karen, God is longsuffering, but there comes a time when as in Noah's day, and in Sodom and Amorrah's day, when he says, Enough is enough, the end of all flesh has come up to me. The golden rule is, Do to others what you want others to do to you. If you counted the ungodly that perished in 9/11, you would find that many were cruelly maligning, suing and persecuting the saints of God.
---Eloy on 4/28/06

..eloy, you do sound pretty angry, but you didn't say if they were dead or not. losing kids is so terrible. I am sorry for your loss. Are you saying then that what happened 9/11 we deserved? or maybe other bad things that happen here? I don't think those people deserved what happened to them. Maybe you didn't mean it that way, can you explain what you mean in few words about what this country deserves? I get the feeling that maybe the goverment did something to your kids.
---karen on 4/28/06

Karen, part 1: Every day is a living hole. Pleasure to God, I'm one day closer to the end. And nobody can take that away from me. Everything else can be taken, children, money, happiness, books, the ministry, joy, hope, my life, but not that.
---Eloy on 4/28/06

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pt 2: I was dealt the worst kind of cruelty, and this country is responsible. I don't give any glory to Satan, but what I can say is, What goes around, comes around; what you give is what you get; and what you sow you will surely reap. Thus this country deserves every evil thing it gets. God takes very good care of his children, and he is not mocked.
---Eloy on 4/28/06

I am sorry for your loss brother eloy. You said one "was" a boy, are you saying they are dead? Both of them? How old were they when they died? And what do you mean by this horrible country? If you don't mind me asking. You don't sound grief, but angry. Is it at the people that killed them? Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
---karen on 4/27/06

John T, one was a boy, Aaron, and one was a girl, Leteacia. Unfortunately it happens all the time here in this horrible country.
---Eloy on 4/27/06

Carla, so sorry to hear all that has happened to you this week. How are you holding up? This is when we need the Body of Christ to come together and support one another. I pray that the God of all comfort, comfort you in your distress as you cry out to him and pray and praise Him. (((huggs))))
---Donna9759 on 4/27/06

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At first, it sounded like something that happens in a banana republic, but here, in the USA? wow.

How old were the girls? They are adults now, and if they remember you, they may try to get in touch, and there are agencies that specialize in that.
---John_T on 4/27/06

well I won't say woe is me, but you just can,t get a worse week than this, Fri my cousin was killed in a bad road trafic accident, speaking to someone on the net that was suicidal named carl, had been hit by a truck, parralised a few weeks ago, before the week was out, my other cousin on my mothers side again was in a road trafic accident, today I visited a friend of mine that is dying in hospital, and Phew! I'm gonna be truthful and say I am extremely sad today.
---Carla5754 on 4/26/06

John T., My daughter also was bi-polar and she to lost her life due to this disease and other contributing problems. It has been 16 months since her death but it seems like yesterday. I know your grief. My girl was 30 at the time of her death and I miss her so much.
---Thomas on 4/26/06

I am so very sorry for the losses that everyone has suffered. The pain in our hearts is unbearable. God is a compassionate God, and He waits on High to have compassion on you. When I went through an excruciating, painful, devastating trial, I was distraught for 3 years. One day Father reached down and poured out His Peace upon me like a blanket. Then I knew he saw my sorrow, and then i was healed. I pray healing for all of you.
---Donna9759 on 4/26/06

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On dec.9th of last year my husband lost his mother suddenly. She was a christian and we knew where she was going. Our youngest asked us if nana was in heaven and we said yes then she came back with well that is good she is with grandpa now and they are both rejoycing together. How we handle them both gone is always talk about what we had with them and done with them. We say to our daughters rememeber all the good times with them that is what we all do. I am sorry for everyone that has lost a love one .
---debbie23453 on 4/26/06

John T, It happened over 20 years ago in California USA, and they were never returned.
---Eloy on 4/26/06

Shira and John T. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know how it feels to lose a son or daughter to death. I do not even come close to feeling what both of you are feeling. I was thinking of this subject just a few days ago. My wife is gone, so now its me that might have to face this. I sure hope not. We have no control what is ahead for any of us. Not one person is safe from the penalty of death. My prayers are for you and Shira and many others that have lost a child or a relative.
---Lupe2618 on 4/26/06

I am amazed at those things you write about here. I hope your children were returned safely. Can you mention the country this happened, or a general area?

May God give you peace as you remember these things.
---John_T on 4/26/06

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I still grieve the kidnapping of my children, the extortion and the unspeakable loss of all things I had to pay.
---Eloy on 4/26/06


My heart just breaks at what you have endured. At the same time it rejoices to hear the heart of the Father in the words, "I miss her and wish I could hear her say one more time, 'I love you dad.'" Such is the heart of our Father who, despite all our failures and winding trails, longs to hear us say, "I love you Daddy." Out of everything Jesus wrought in redemption, the privilege of calling God "Father, Abba, Papa, Daddy" is the most wonderful of all.
---Linda6563 on 4/25/06

My daughter passed away March 7, 2004. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. She told her dad, "Daddy, I can't die until I know I will see you in heaven." My husband was saved 10 days before she passed away. I know God is in control of everything and there is a purpose, I just don't know what it is. I am comforted in the fact she is in heaven and not hurting.
---shira on 4/25/06

I found out recently that my mom died of breast cancer two years ago. The sadest thing is that my family members never told me. I came across it on the family business website. How I am getting through it is the Lord. He holds me and comforts me every day.
---Lissa on 4/25/06

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1/2 Donna:
Thanks for your concern. I began the blog in a snit of insomnia, could not get back on until 15 hours later, 6PM Eastern. Mod edited out other comments, but this blog is not intended to debate, or argue, just support each other.

My 23 YO daughter died in 2001. She nursed her child, 6wks old, put her in the bassinette, said to hubby, "Oh my head hurts" and collapsed onto the couch, going to heaven.
---John_T on 4/25/06

She wrecked herself through bipolar, and self medication, wrecked my pastorate and we almost went homeless, caused mega stress through denial, almost wrecked our family, wrecked three cars, one a friend, and 2of others &lots more negative stuff that I was very angry about.

I miss her, and wish I could hear her say, as she used to, "I love you dad."
---John_T on 4/25/06

3. take care of me. In my case my wife came back a year later and she passed away in 1998. God's timing was so right, because He knew she also needed Christ, just like me. I lost my mom first, eight months later my wife, and four months later my sister. He carried me through it all. You reminded me of what happened to me and how many blessings He has given me.
---Lupe2618 on 4/25/06

2. I didn't know what to answer, that is how much I loved her. I didn't realize that people fail, and when we have them as our idols and our gods we get hurt as I did. But one day God came into my life and He became Lord of my life and I learned that no one can take His place. As you, I made it through with His help and me learning. I learned that God never fails and He is always with us through the hardest time in our lives. I learned that I could live without her because God was going to
---Lupe2618 on 4/25/06

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Madison, as in your answer to blog,"praying for a husband" in your statement, you reminded me of what happened to me in 1990. I was not a Christian yet and when my wife told me she was moving out, it devastated me. She was my god and by moving out It broke me inside. I was in such a mess. I didn't know what I was going to do without her. I griefed for a long time. A sister at a church asked me,"who do you love more, God or your wife?"
---Lupe2618 on 4/25/06

John T, can you share too? Are you going through something that you are mourning over? I care not to share mine, it was way too devastating and I'm healed of it now. Been healed of it since 2001.
---Donna on 4/25/06

I grief over the lost. It is not GOD'S will that anyone should die lost therfore simplely asking Him to save you will in fact save a person. But between guilt and satan's lies very few understand the truth and ask(call) on the name of the Lord to be saved.
---mima on 4/25/06

My largest grief has to be the loss of my marriage and all that went with it. The pain was enormous, and the sense of loss was huge. What got me through it was loving Christian friends and my family reminding me of God's never ending love and scriptures that supported that. God will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me with an everlasting love. Also Jeremiah 29:11. God has plans for good for me.
---Madison on 4/25/06

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