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Domestic Violence In Marriage

I will be sharing at a Women's Meeting regarding Christian women involved in Domestic Violence in their marriage. Can you folks please give me your thoughts on this. Should a woman stay as long as she can or get out after the first time he abuses her? What do you think God thinks about this?

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 ---Donna9759 on 5/1/06
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I don't think that either is the correct response. IF the husband (and the wife also) is willing to go to counseling, (whether it be the Pastor, or independent) she should not leave. However, if he refuses to seek help, or he is not actively participating in therapy, I would consider leaving. There are too many factors involved for a leave or dont leave answer. The man is suppose to cherish and love his wife as Christ loves the church.
---Bev on 3/13/08

I'd say get out the first time. She might not survive to tell about a second time. Women are not meant to be punchbags whether in a Christian or a non-Christian marriage. In a Christian marriage there might be more hope of a reconciliation and forgiveness but not until he has sorted our his problems with counselling etc. and when her safety can be absolutely assured.
---emg on 5/19/07


I'm so glad you lived. How aweful for a woman not to feel safe in her own home. Her Home should be Her Haven. Her husband should be the one who protects her. There is enough danger for women on the outside.
Yes, you are right; we [women] are pearls. I grouped women and children together [as they often are grouped in such a way] because both groups need guarding. It's up to men to stand up and take there rightful positions.

---Reiter on 11/13/06

Hi Donna! This blog is several months old, but I'm curious as to how your meeting went.

Reiter, under what circumstances would a husband need to discipline his wife, particularly by hitting her?
---AlwaysOn on 11/13/06

violence is never rightin marriage whoever is the perpetrator marriage is equal partnership onepartner is not superior to the other,ephesioans if rad properly gives equal resdponsibiluity to eact partner man is the head as far as he is the breadwinner and protector and violence is not permitted if violence is in a marriage especiaslly ifchildren involved then get out for their sake if no kids still wise to ge out and for both parties to receivemarriage guidance
---doree4573 on 11/13/06

My ex was a violent man he went after his mom with scissors, shot at his dad, was shot by his dad, beat his brothers, choked a dog to death he was as mean as a snake. God doesnt want anyone male/female abused. We are vauled in his sight a treasure. A pearl is put away guarded that is us, the apple of his eye.He stabbed 3 men in and out of prison tried to kill me at least 3 times U must be safe God wants us safe. I will tell U more if U want for your study.
---Jeanne on 11/13/06

Reiter u mean discipline for kids right? A husband doesnt discipline his wife she is not his child, dog,. Submission is obeying thru love not thru being a bully ever it isnt even legal in American laws to lay your hands on anyone U can quote the Bible all you want to the judge and next to Bubba your cell mate. But we are never to lay our hands on people to abuse them if they dont listen. U want someone to listen love them to death they will stand between the devil with Hell at the door due to love.
---Jeanne on 11/13/06

A distinction ought to be made between discipline and abuse. Since the husband/father is the one in authority, there ought to be legal guidelines for him so that the line that divides discipline and abuse is not crossed. In this way, women and children will be protected by the law AND men will not lose their family influence.

---Reiter on 11/13/06

Although it's rarely spoken about, men also do experience physical abuse from their wives. My wife and I separated nearly a year ago after months of destructive behavior which resulted in my getting battered. I encouraged her to seek help but she refused. We did, however, attempted reconciliation but she never expressed any remorse whatsoever. I'm sad to say, but we are now divorcing. Had she expressed remorse and made an effort to address her problem I would have considered remaining with her.
---jeff on 6/12/06

Domestic violence is invalid thing, I suppose. I think, woman should get out after the first time he abuses her. God said man to care of his woman during all life, not abuse.
---helen on 6/3/06

Beverly are you saying that your children are now living with your ex who was abusive and you have lost custody totally? If this is so, how did it come about? Isn't it possible to get social services to monitor the children regularly because it sounds as if they could now be in danger instead of you.
---M.P. on 5/27/06

What happens when the partner does tell the truth, but is able to take custody of the children involved, and the abused partner is banished from the childern? This is what happened to me. Now, I not only lost the children, but my teaching profession. What am I suppose to do? What am I suppose to do when the abuser refuses to change?
---beverly_long on 5/26/06

Remember that thrice in the NT we read, "Husbands, love your wives."

This seems obvious to us today, but in a society where arranged marriages were the norm, it was revolutionary. As Tina Turner sang, "What's love got to do with it?"

It's not unlikely in the Graeco-Roman world that first heard this precept, domestic violence was not uncommon.
---Jack on 5/7/06

I sometimes wish I knew what God was thinking:)
I believe God honors the decisions we make in an attempt to live the best life we can. He has given us the ability to make choices, and I believe most people are dong their best. Life is a delicate balance. Gods judgement will be of what is in the heart of man, our reactions to any given situation usually arises from that source. If God is truly in our hearts, the outcome to any situation will be guided by His love.
---lynet on 5/1/06

There's no violence in a "Christian" marriage, because when two are holding hands and praying together there can be no hitting of each other, therefore it's not a Christian marriage. If a husband hits his wife, and equally wrong, if a wife hits her husband, then they should separate. Whoever is the hitter, should go get saved; and whoever is getting hit should stay separate until the partners are both truly saved, then reunite in a real Christian marriage manifesting God's love and forgiveness.
---Eloy on 5/1/06

#3 If a woman stays she risks much more than if she leaves, though leaving might be frightening. A woman must report the crime,and to go to court. She may lose her home, job, and possessions. But hopefully she will save her life. We must learn not to be ashamed, or afraid of what others think. Some things are so personal, only our trust in God can get us through it.
Only He can heal the kind of pain associated with the destruction of a bond of trust such as that between a married couple.
---lynet on 5/1/06

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#2 The scriptures tell us what marriage is supposed to be like. It does'nt say to stay in a relationship when you may be in danger of being hurt, or killed. Abusers are unhappy with thenselves, and seek others who want to make them happy. Abusers don't take responsibility for their actions, and are most often only sorry when they have to go to court/jail, which can make them even more dangerous. They come out seeking revenge, not realizing they started it in the first place.
---lynet on 5/1/06

As a Domestic Violence Counselor working with the police department in a major city. I can't introduce Christian views unless the person I'm working with brings it up.
I don't believe a woman should stay in an abusive relationship, with or without children. I believe anyone can change if they want to. There must be a change in both people if they stay together. The goal would be a change in self esteem. The abuser must understand why they batter, and the victim why they stay.
---lynet on 5/1/06

I stayed in my first marriage for 8 years and was abused the entire time. I stayed for that long because I tried desprately to make it work. I don't advise women to stay in abusive marriages now, especially if the husband is controlling. If that is the case, it is a vicious cycle of abuse that never ends.
---Lissa on 5/1/06

Women and men who are abused should separate the first time and insist that the partner get therapy to resolve the underlying anger issues that are inside of them. After a period of time, they should then get marital therapy, while still separated. If they choose to reconcile, they should still get marital therapy during the reunion period. IF there is a repeat of the violence, the injured party should get out again and get therapy for themselves.
---Madison on 5/1/06

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It is sad that this exists in Christian relationships but it is a reality.When Iwas married my wife was physically violent.I was brought up to never hit a women or anyone for that matter.She took advantage of that and I did stay.I was releived one day to come home and everything was money too.I was left with nothing and I was so happy...I had peace and my life back.I had stayed because of my vows made to God...better or worse.She had made me miserable but God never promised me happiness.
---Brian on 5/1/06

Violence never should happen in a relationship. Although I think it's good to give the person another chance to get help and to work out the marriage or relationship...... I think most people who are violent can't change. I've been in abusive relationship. My ex gf always said she was going to get help but never did. I know she loved me but she can't change.
---Hayden on 5/1/06

Bev, I actually did exactly what you're saying. I not only STAYED, but went to THREE counsellors and the abuse continued. Not only did he not stop (and I took the hits) but all 3 counsellors allowed him to vent for the entire hour about stuff not even related to his actions. The emotional and physical wounds were NOT worth staying after the fifth time. Unless you've gone through it, you may not want to say what you said.
---Anonymous on 5/1/06

I'm wondering what exactly you mean by 'stay as long as she can'. Do you mean until she simply feels she's had enough, decides he isn't going to change or until she comes round after being knocked senseless for the umpteenth time. After a first time she doesn't know how many more times there will be and I, personally, would not hang around to find out. Any counselling that both might agree to enter into can be done without them living under the same roof.
---M.P. on 5/1/06

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I hit my wife one time. I was just back (about three days) from my combat tour in Viet Nam. While I was at the cookie jar she decided to come up behind me and "scare me." I caught her with my elbow and was coming around to finish the job when I realized where I was. She said, "I'll give you a pass this time. But, it had better NEVER! happen again." One of the reasons I loved her was her respect for herself. Love and respect leave no room for violence. EVER!
---Ed on 5/1/06

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