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In An Unhappy Marriage

Staying in difficult marriage and ended an affair recently, however, same problems exist. Probably never going to be the happy marriage of my dreams. We're both unhappy and in marriage counseling. My husband is Christian though and says we need to stay together because we made a convenant. Help!

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 ---Robin on 7/5/06
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Yes, I believe in God and Jesus. I am married, we are both unhappy. We love each other, but we should never have gotten married. We have two wonderful children and are truely only staying married for the kids. Even then I have believe in the vows I made before GOD. He is having an affair on me and yet I stay =(
---Cathy on 10/6/17

First of all I pray that you are not discouraged by some of the condemning posts out here. I want to offer you encouragement and point you to a Scripture that may help. In Genesis 29 a woman named Leah is in what I call the epitome of a bad marriage - through a series of attempts to find peace in her marriage and gain his love she finally arrives at a solution and says - "this time I will praise the Lord". For the first time she takes her focus off her husband and places it on to God. Read it, it may be some help. God Bless You
---Edward on 12/9/09

Id have to say if you are unhappy in your marriage and unhappy in your affair then youre unhappiness stems from something else.
So why consider a divorce as though it will fix the problem? Itll actually make you more miserable because then you have to live with guilt.

Marriage doesnt bring you happiness. If youre unhappy before marriage, youll be miserable during it.

You should be thankful you have someone to put your arms around at night and praise God that He brought that person into your life. No man is perfect and we all get boring after a while.
---JackB on 11/27/09

Dear friend,
Having affairs in bad marriages don't solve anything. It makes matters worse and is very dangerous to you. Sometimes it it better to get out of a bad marriage. Verbal abuse can escalate and lead to murder. Kids are hurt in the process. Counseling may help but I doubt it. But give it a try.A lot of prayer and doing what you can to save the marriage is also good. Just staying together to be together is Hell! I would leave after I have tried my best. Life is too short to waste time in a dead relationship. Best to you.
---Robyn on 11/27/09

I wonder if it's any better today, sure hope so.
---LFD on 8/29/07

Kathy, Thanks for the encouragement. The problem in my situation is that my husband isn't kind and patient, quite the opposite, but I am trying to be in agreement with him on discipline. I just had an opportunity last night to agree with him or disagree with him on her watching a TV show. I will support him on this, even though it is going to make her very mad. She is not respectful to him, but he has been very unkind to her, so it's a difficult situation. Thank you for the encouragement.
---Robin on 7/17/06

Something very important that I learned was if I disagreed with my husband about my daughter on something, I tried very hard not to discuss it in front of her. We discussed it in private. My daughter tried to get me to take her side many times and when I did, it hurt my husband greatly. So, if there is anything you can take from this to help, that is what I hope for. I will continue to pray for you. I know it is hard, so just do everything you can to make sure that everything is in order.
---KathyLH on 7/14/06

My husband did a wonderful job and there was finally peace in the home. The hardest part for me was to trust my husband to do the job and stop interfering. Maybe your situation is different, maybe your daughter is respectful to your husband, but if she isnt, do something about it. Also, as hard as it can be, if your husband is not abusive and just spitefully mean to your daughter, support him when he disciplines her and try not to interfere. I know, I know this is hard.
---KathyLh on 7/14/06

The older my daughter got the harder it was to discipline her. I was ready to make her move out of our house and in with her grandmother, but decide to get some advice from our pastor first. We took the pastors advice, which was, my husband would take full responsibility of my daughter. He would tell her what she could and couldnt do and he decided what the consequences would be if she broke the rules. Through desperation I agreed and I supported my husband 100%.
---KathyLH on 7/14/06

My daughter was 6 when I divorced. The marriage was a bad situation with drugs and abuse, so I finally decided I couldnt stay in it anymore. My daughters dad didnt have much to do with her so I brought her up on my own. I have to say I didnt do a very good job raising her. I look back now and see the mistakes I made. One was when I remarried I wanted to protect her when my husband was trying to discipline her. I have no idea why I did that, it never made things better.
---KathyLH on 7/14/06

It sounds like we have similar lives. I don't know if your daughter is anything like mine, but when I remarried, my strong willed 12 year old did not want to be disciplined by her step-dad at all. When he tried she would say, "Youre not my dad and you can't tell me what to do". It was hard on our marriage, but my husband is a wonderful man full of patience and endured her pushing him away.
---KathyLH on 7/14/06

Thank you, Kathy. I see some progress in the marriage, but there have still been recent comments about how my daughter can just "get out" when she is eighteen and in front of her and directly to her he said "you are causing a lot of problems between me and your mother." These are the types of things that made me want to leave him.
---Robin on 7/13/06

Just want to let you know that I am still praying for you and your family.
---KathyLH on 7/12/06

Yes dear you did make a covenant, not only between yourselves but with God. I can see why your husband is unhappy, but he is willing to forgive. Good move to look for another job! Let God take over and love each other through Him, it CAN happen. Don't be a statistic, hang in there and work things out, God will give you both the strength. Divorces come easily, a good marriage is hard work sometimes, God bless you both.Pray TOGETHER!
---NV_Barbara on 7/8/06

Thank you Carla. That is very helpful.
---Robin on 7/7/06

You've confessed and asked for forgiveness from God and your husband.
Prayerfully in counseling the root of the problem is identified, addressed, and dealt with. These factors were present prior to the affair.
Your daughter who is innocent could probably benefit from counseling too, as well as your other children.
As adults you both must take responsibility for their behavior. With much prayer, the Lord will reveal His plan for your marriage.
God Bless
---lynet on 7/7/06

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I can see how what I said didn't sound right that I didn't get their on my own. I have taken responsibility for what I did, I'm just saying that affairs don't happen in a void for people like me who really do have a conscience. I'm just having a difficult time getting back to accepting where my choices in life have taken me. I have already decided to be obedient to God because that is what he is telling me to do.
---Robin on 7/6/06

Marriages are hated by satan and he will do anything to decieve us as christians so that the world will laugh at us and say we are of none effect.

The LIAR(satan) told Eve that the fruit on the other side would be better, but attached were the worst consequences, but Thank God we can call ABBA Father when we are in trouble and as long as we willing to be patient and pray God will work it out he specialises in the impossibles if we only believe Trust and OBEY he will deliver on time!
---Carla5754 on 7/6/06

Eventually he will guide you back to Himself whole, Established, Washed, Forgiven and again Ready for Service.

HOW? Because HS IS Your Counsellor, HE IS Your Healer, Your Guide when you are blind, Your Friend when you have none, and the Lover of your Soul. Trust in him he can Do It, He Said He Will, and now you just need to Believe That He will make a Way out of no way because he wants you both for his own. God Bless you Both and Keep PRAYING the devil is a LIAR!
---Carla5754 on 7/6/06

You did not get there by yourself! Mmmm, well you have to be Honest as David and own up to your own lusts and desires and Get real, your husband is still willing to forgive you and that ray of hope means you can pray, even if you have no words to express what's happening, sit silently on your own and tell him everything eventually he Will answer you, through a still small voice in your heart and you will know it's from God.
---Carla5754 on 7/6/06

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Shira, you said "It seems if you are a christian and wanted to do the right thing, you would have never done this to your family." Could you be any more unloving and unchristlike? She already said that she repented and is reaching out to try to work through her difficulties.

Just what kind of chruch do you go to?
---NurseRobert on 7/6/06

Thank you, Kathy. Very kind words and I appreciate your prayers. We have had lots of people praying for us and it is showing, just not as quickly as I would like, but I'm trying to be patient.
---Robin on 7/6/06

Robin, Thanks for sharing. My heart hurts for you because I know what it's like to be in a marriage that's full of pain and I know this sometimes tempts us to do things we shouldn't, which causes more pain. I don't know if this will help, but for yourself read John 8:1-11.
As far as your marriage, I know you are looking for an answer, but only God can give you the answer. None of us know what you are going through. I will be praying for you and your marriage. You are going on my prayer list right now.
---KathyLH on 7/6/06

In response to the person who said if I was a Christian, I would have thought about this first, I ask if you have ever been tempted. I gave into my flesh but that doesn't mean that I'm not a Christian. I am paying dear and grave consequences for my actions, the least of which is my guilt and my job has suffered. I didn't get there all by myself. The marriage was pretty dismal.
---Robin on 7/6/06

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Difficult because my husband has been harsh and had an anger problem for 13 years. Very hard on my daughter. Treated very differently than our biological children. He has gotten help, but they took their toll and the other man didn't treat me that way. I've heaped enough guilt on myself for this affair, they happen to Christians as well as non-Christians. The counselor is helping my husband understand that he has to treat me respectfully and kindly so there can be progress in our relationship.
---Robin on 7/6/06

It will take a long time for your husband to trust you again. It seems if you are a christian and wanted to do the right thing, you would have never done this to your family. Adultry is the most hurtful and devastating thing a person can do to a marriage. After that kind of hurt, it takes a long time to rebuild.
---shira on 7/6/06

Robin, Can you share with us why your marriage is difficult?
---KathyLH on 7/6/06

Robin::All is not Lost.Marriage is a rocky Road when two personalities are trying to meld.You have the right idea stay the course avoid conflicts, talk respectfully to each other,silence is golden, use cool judgement.Because NO respect-NO love, marriages are NOT made in Heaven they are on Earth pray hard seek councilling when you come to an impass & You BOTH HAVE to work at your contract.You must have seen something to attract,revive this feeling by PRAYER & ATTITUDE it takes 2 hands to clap.
---Emcee on 7/5/06

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Yes, I have repented and I am currently looking for another job because I work with the man. I am a Christian and that is the reason I am staying because of obedience to God and not to break up the family. We are in counseling and with a lot of hard work, it might get better. My husband is willing to forgive, but having a hard time, thinking I might leave again any time.
---Robin on 7/5/06

I'm married & had thoughts to turn to other man for affection that my husband wasn't providing, he had affairs, yet desired to come home,I hold strong to Gods word believing that he will see me thru, there is a season for everything (even marriage) stand still & see what season is next, you had a relationship outside your marriage, repent & ask for restoration in your marriage, and this time-wait, for God knows whats best for you, once he establish a relationship with you the rest will fall in line.
---Tina on 7/5/06

Even the best marriages are (at times) difficult and require a LOT of hard work. You have further complicated your's with infidelity. Yes, you are in a committed relationship and should work to make ammends and develop a better relationship. Sometimes, unfortunately, this is nearly impossible following a betrayal. Your husband has grounds for divorce, but you may be able to save this marriage with professional help. In fact, that may be your only hope.
---Criss on 7/5/06

Have you repented for the sin of having an affair?
---sam on 7/5/06

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