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Husband Not Emotional With Me

I want to be a good wife - godly and submissive. But my husband wants constant sex with no emotional connection. I can't manage to be Ok with that. What should I do?

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 ---Not_Happily_Married on 7/18/06
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You should tell your husband what you posted on this board. You should not have this discussion with anyone else.
---Susie on 8/20/07

How old is your husband ??Belive it or not men go threw the change of life and they get a little nutsy at times one thing He isn't out with another women
---Betty on 8/23/06

Another WONDERFUL book is "Rescue Your Love Life," although I can't recall the author right now...
---Anonymous on 7/31/06

NHM: When all one can do is pray, then we must pray. God can does change a person's heart. He can change your husband's. Keep reading that book and praying for your husband and yourself. I have heard of miracles galore in marriages when the wife prayed.

Another good book is Boundaries in Marriage (I think that is the title), by Cloud and Townsend.
---Madison1101 on 7/28/06

See, you are seeing changes in your husband already. Keep on praying! I will!!
---Susie on 7/28/06

No, I am not Renee. Why? Also, I completely understand that I cannot change my husband, but I wonder if he can change this about himeslf. He seems to want a better marriage too but is unwilling to examine his part in it. There also has to be a wilingness on anyone's part to make a change in their own life. I'm sure he thinks it is all ME because he's said as much. If I would just agree to sex every night, our marriage would be trouble-free! Uugh!!
---NHM on 7/28/06

Are you Renee?

Sometimes another model can help you to see clearly:

The Al-anon one is good. They teach it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to change hubby, so you must do what you can for yourself, and kids.

Others suggested counseling; do it for yourself, by yourself with a pastor or trusted Christian counselor.

It will help you sort through the many confusing things you have at present, and help you to prepare for the future.
---John_T on 7/28/06

I DO want this marriage. And I believe that you can pray, pray, pray - until your head falls off and rolls across the floor (as another blogger put it), BUT I also believe there is a time to ACT. I asked what can I DO, not what is your opinion. I am thankful for the person who suggested "The Power of a Praying Wife." I am 1/2 the way through and it is AWESOME. I am also seeing some positive changes in my husband.
---NHM on 7/27/06

Pray...pray...pray! Then sit back and let God take care of this situation. Stop trying to fix it yourself. He is an on time God and He will come through for you. That is if you really want this marriage to work.
---Susie on 7/27/06

Jack::While agreeing with you, but that is like opening Pandoras box,Or another Blog.But Love is the beginning & end of Gods message,hence the procreation of the human race.
---Emcee on 7/24/06

Well, we are not unequally yoked because we are both believers. He is distant and does not show much affection. I end up feeling used and tossed aside each time we have sex. I don't say "make love" because that is not what we are doing. He is finding a release. I know a marriage is about love, Emcee, but unfortuantely I am feeling anything but loved.
---NHM on 7/24/06

Pray God will open his eyes to what he's doing,how wrong it is. Then give him a little lesson, tell him if he's going to treat you like a harlot,just using you for sexual release,you want $100.00 evey time you have sex. Make it plain when he treats you like a wife,with loving tenderness,instead of a harlot,you will drop the charge. Insist he go for therapy. Him first,later as a couple. He's the one with the problem,but it causes problems for you both. He doesn't know how to join sex to love.
---Darlene_1 on 7/24/06

Actually, in both Testaments, marriages were arranged and were NOT about love, at least at the beginning.
---Jack on 7/24/06

NMH:: God did not intend Marriage to be one of sorrow & misery,but it does sound like one of incompatibility or what is spoken of unequally yoked.Yours is a hard case & I would continue to pray If he really loves you he will mend his ways.Seek councelling & insist this is the answer, its not wrong to bring a little pressure to bear on him.Use the tools available to you this may throw him for a loop.My prayers are with you.Marriage is not about sex but LOVE
---Emcee on 7/23/06


There is God's part and there is our part. So many people fail to see an answer to prayer because they pray and let it lie. God won't come down and wave a magic wand over our marriage and make it all better. He will give us answers and instructions. Then what? I would go so far as to say that ALL prayers require some kind of obedience on our part. We have to listen and ACT.
---NHM on 7/23/06

I disagree. Sometimes the only thing we can do is pray. God will work it out. Just wait upon the Lord. You will be stronger when this is all over.
---Susie on 7/22/06

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Just as a final clarifcation, I am NOT looking for a way out of an unhappy marriage. I am looking for a way to make the one I'm in WORK. God expects us to put action behind our prayers. If all we ever do is pray, we are failing to give those prayers wings by acting.
---NHM on 7/22/06

I spend little time on the internet, as I work two jobs this summer, three during the school year. Fortunately, God has blessed me with the ability to minister to hurting women, as I have been in a bad marriage and have an understanding of pain.
---Madison1101 on 7/22/06

NHM...I spend little time online. I'm sorry if you have been offended by my posts. However, they are from my heart. I know how you feel. Been there, done that! And God changed my husband when I prayed for more understanding of him. You must realize that God can change the situation. Unfortunately, so many today are looking for ways to get out of an unhappy marriage instead of working on the marriage. I will pray for you.
---Susie on 7/21/06

Who is spending hours on the computer to the neglect of their family or community, Susie? You make a lot of assumptions. Aren't you on here too, by the way? What or who are you neglecting?

Madison and Lynet, thank you both so very much for your warm compassion. As your sister in Christ, it is evident that you both operate in love and that is greatly appreciated by me, especially since I'm hurting! Bless you both...
---NHM on 7/21/06

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I was once married to a man that showed no emotion, and he didn't care if I was satisfied, and most of the time I wasn't. I continued to be a model wife, but changed my prayer from God let him be; to whatever you want to happen in this relationship do it. God let him walk away, and released me to remarry. I then married a man that showed me more passion, and love than I could have ever dreamed of. Re-channel your prayer to seeing God's will in the situation. I assure you, you'll see results.

Moderator - Sherry, I hope you had a Biblical reason for divorce ie adultry.
---Sherry on 7/21/06

Why spend hours on the computer using your gifts of mercy and helps and neglect your neighbors or your family?
---Susie on 7/21/06

God has also gifted some of us with discernment. The Power of a Praying Wife sounds like an excellent suggestion to me. Part of being in a marriage is understanding your spouse's motivations in things and loving them despite their shortcomings. The lack of emotional connection is nothing sexual at all. And, I do not believe that sex is dirty. LOL! A wife needs to pray for understanding of her husband.
---Susie on 7/21/06

Susie, it would appear that you are the only one with a problem here. God has gifted many of us with the gifts of mercy and helps. That is why we are here, to help and minister grace and love to each other. NHM has come here seeking guidance from us. There is no subject that is forbidden to discuss, and she is more than welcome to ask to her heart's content.

NHM: If you need, please e-mail me at madia3794
---Madison1101 on 7/20/06

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2. Sometime we ar not able to jump right in a river, we need to stick a toe in first, to see hoe the water feels and how it makes us feel. Then bit by bit, or all at once we submerge. The goal being to get in the water. That you have asked is a very huge first step, counseling may soon follow. Focus, and follow your heart. God knows and cares. I'm still praying for you .
---lynet on 7/20/06

This is a very intimate area of human life. Many people struggle with sexuality in ways that others could not ever uunderstand. In some instances the person with the biggest and most unmanagable problems are the hardest to reach, sometimes becasue they do not see the problem as their own.
Those living with them and having to be a part of that struggle are the only ones capable of gaging the best way to deal with those issues. Many times outside help in one or more areas may be of help.
---lynet on 7/20/06

Alan & Rebecca,

Your responses brought tears to my eyes. You are both so caring, and this is an area of my life that is a source of real pain for me. I sincerely love my husband & want to be close to him, not just sexually speaking. We are struggling with intimacy, & I'm convinced this is a much more common problem than we even know. I thank you all for your compassion & your prayers. I've gotten some excellent advise from this source, & I've bought the book The Power of a Praying Wife too!
---NHM on 7/20/06

Susie ... God is interested in every aspect of our lives, including sex. There is no reason whatsoever why someone should not seek advice from other Christians in this area of our lives.
You say "this woman needs to talk to someone who can help her get through it" Can't you see that this is what she was trying to do ... why should people here who might have been through the same thing themselves be less able to help than trained professionals.
Susie, sex is not dirty.
---alan8869_of_UK on 7/20/06

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Susie; God gives people gifts, the gift of helping someone with certain situaions. I agree that she needs to speak to someone she can trust, but she can also come here on this blog and get good advise. Maybe someone here has the gift of helping people, we don't know. So it was uncalled for, for you to say what you have said to this Lady. We need to lift up her spirit, not kick it when it is already down.
---Rebecca_D on 7/20/06

If I didn't want to hear what people think about this question, I wouldn't have asked it. I have news for you sister! SEX was God's idea! HE intended that couples experience intimacy, and Christian husbands SHOULD connect with their wives in more ways than physically. Finally, I HAVE prayed about this until I don't know what else to do. Hence, the question.
---NHM on 7/20/06

You really don't want to hear what people think about this question. I guess I could just sugar-coat my opinion. I honestly don't believe God wants this woman talking about her sexual life with strangers. And, that is what this post is really about. SEX! I still say this woman needs to talk to someone who can help her get through it. But, we all need to pray when we have a situation we can't understand and HE WILL give us understanding as to how to deal with it.
---Susie on 7/20/06

Thank you, Madison, and (believe me) if my husband was willing to go to a counselor, that is where we would be! He is NOT! I appreciate the advice that I have received here and thought it was a good place to ask a question like this anonymously. No harm done. Other Christians can be very helpful in this way.

Suzie, I'm not sure what your problem is, but you are a hard, unkind person to make someone who is hurting feel WORSE! Shame on you.
---NHM on 7/20/06

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Susie: If you will notice, I recommended she seek counseling.

This board is for any Christian seeking guidance on any subject. Christian marriage is definitely appropriate to ask questions about.
---Madison1101 on 7/19/06

Your husband's sexual urges are not abnormal for a young man (or woman). Most men don't need any kind of emotional connection to have sex. That's the way they are made. Leave this to the Lord. Pray for your husband and for yourself to become understanding of your husband.
---Susie on 7/19/06

NHM--There was a matron who complained of your problem too a month or so ago.

Shortly after that was a posting from a man whose sex drive was not equal to his wife's.
---Jack on 7/19/06

This board is no place for this woman to get help. What she needs is to go to a "trusted" counselor or pastor who can help her through this. She is not alone in her problem. There are thousands of men just like her husband.
---Susie on 7/19/06

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Hope ... So???
---alan8869_of_UK on 7/19/06

Hope what was the reasoning for you posting the reply hints on here I am a little confused.
---drea on 7/19/06

Keish, thank you for the prayer. That is awesome! You will be blessed for your kind heart.

Jack, we've been married for 2 1/2 years. My husband could "engage" 2-3 times a day IF I could manage. Geesh! You have to admit that that is a LOT! You did have a couple of really good suggestions that I will try.

Madison, you are the second person to recommend that book to me. Think I'll have to buy it! Thanks everyone.
---NHM on 7/19/06

Always Remember, Prayer Does WORK! Continue having faith & talking to your counselor &/or pastor concerning this issue. I know for me, talking always helps. God will hear you! I will pray as well...daily... :)
---Keish7975 on 7/19/06

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Men and women express emotion differently.

YOu say your husband wants constant sex--but you've not said how long you two have been married.

Would you rather your husband showed no interest in you? THAT would signify the death of emotion.

Sit down with him and put your requests in the form of such statments as, "I like it when you do so and so..." "When you do such and such you make me feel especially loved..." PUt it postively. He'll get the idea.
---Jack on 7/19/06

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---hope on 7/19/06

If your husband will not join you in counseling, talk with him and let him know you feel the need to go for yourself. If it won't cause a problem, get some help for yourself. If he strongly disapproves, stay before the Lord until He gives you a word, concerning how to deal with this very personal, and touchy issue.
---lynet on 7/18/06

NHM: Another thought. If he won't participate in marital therapy, then you fight the battle of prayer. Get "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian and wage full scale war in prayer.
---Madison1101 on 7/18/06

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Susie, this is a perfect place to get advice on dealing with this issue. What is your problem with her question?
---Madison1101 on 7/18/06

It may be he is incapable of what you are asking at this time. He may need help in getting in touch with that side of his personality.

Marital therapy would be a great place to bring this up.
---Madison1101 on 7/18/06

Thank you, Albert, for your consideration and willingness to pray for me. That's really sweet. I've tried talking to my husband who stares at me with a blank look on his face like he has no idea what I'm talking about. He also refuses to go to marital couseling, which I am sure would help. I wouldn't have posted this question if I weren't desperate.
---NHM on 7/18/06

Sex should always be an emotional experience because this is a union of both body and spirit, need for constant sex with no emotional attachment is mainly due to exposure to pornography, pray agianst that spirit. we will pray with you
---Albert on 7/18/06

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Pray ALOT. The effective, fervernt prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
---Donna9759 on 7/18/06

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