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Pastor Wants To Have An Affair

Should my friend a pastor stay in his marriage where he is truely unhappy to please the congregation when he is in love with someone else?

Moderator - The pastor needs to repent and go back to his wife. Are you the person he loves?

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 ---Loletha on 7/22/06
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This pastor should not stay to please his congrigation, ratehr he should stay to please his savior. He needs to walk in the things that he preaches, and have faith that God will put love into his marriage. He needs to tell his wife and get that out into the open, trust me he thinks he in loves because it's all a fantisay at this point. Once you have to deal with the reality of your relationship will bring onto the lives and your loved ones it's not going to be so "beautiful"
---gina on 1/22/08

inmy opinon a ture man of God shouldnt be tempted to seek another woman adultry is adultry. He sould step down from his podium , and be just another cheating man ,no true man of God would break the marriage law. Thou sall not commit adultry. or cuvet they neighbors wife.. step away from the hollier than thou attitude ...and be the sinner you are ,let her go to find someone who is truly deserving of her.
---lisa on 11/18/07

Noone should be unhappy in a marriage. I am friends with a married Pastor who says he is in an unhappy marriage. I suggest a mediator. Sometimes Pastors dont like to show weaknesses and reveal to others that they too experience issues in their marriages that everyone else does. My advise is to exhaust everything to save the marriage before ending it.
---Kindsak on 8/25/07

If your friend, the pastor, leaves his wife for a girlfriend, forget about being a pastor.

Pastors fall in love with other women, men and women fall in love with other people. They wait silently, secretly for divorce papers to become final, and guess what. The very next day, jump right into another relationship/marriage and call it repentance/forgiven and blessed.

I have some oceanfront property in Arizona and I'll throw the Brooklyn Bridge in for free, or all my ex's live in Texas.
---Susan on 3/10/07

The joy of the Lord is good. Thanks for the laugh.
---R.A. on 10/24/06

hahahahahahaah good one moderator. You have caught one thief in the bag.
---mmadm on 10/24/06

Do all a favor....get out of the paid ministry for everyones sake.
---mike on 10/23/06

I believe the pastor needs to take a long, hard look at himself before he does anything else. He should never have put himself in the situation to begin with. The devil comes disguised as many things, especially mistresses. He should repent and begin counseling with his wife.
---rutha8348 on 10/5/06

This is a silly question to ask Christians. Look at the replies.

Sex is one of the great problems in ministry. Pastors are required to live to a standard or ruin jobs when they do not.

Sex is the unforgivable sin in the church. So the question to Pastor is what are you going to do when you leave the ministry.
---BilllyBob on 10/5/06

Rebecca, God will not violate His own word, which says He "hates divorce". Unless the pastor's wife committed adultery, he would be violating God's word to divorce her. Madison obeyed God by honoring her husband, and the fruit of it now is evident in the majority of her posts. Rebecca, You are wrong.
---daphn8897 on 8/25/06

Carla ... You seem to be saying this to me "If your pastor whom you married was re-married without their spouse or yours committing Adultery you need to re-read the bible!"
But I have never married a pastor, still less been divorced from one, or indeed from anyone. I think you must have been thinking of someone else.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/25/06

Well Alan maybe that was the answer that should have been posted first time round Glad to see the repentance bit
Another thing I am in no wise getting overated by sexual sin alone, I see that some people use it as a means of elevating themselves by rejecting bible scripture and using the scripture to validate their own opininon.
If your pastor whom you married was re-married without their spouse or yours committing Adultery you need to re-read the bible!
---Carla5754 on 8/25/06

This subject is very disturbing because it has gotten personal. There is no glory for God in the answers. They are not good for us as Christians. I love both of you. and I care when I see that it is personal. I believe the personal answers are very hurting many times, and that is why I try not to answer those. It is not God's will for us to go at each other. Please make peace, somehow. Love you both very much.
---Lupe2618 on 8/24/06

Rebecca: You are in such error when it comes to the Word of God. God called me to be a child of His first, wife second, mother third, therapist fourth. Those are the priorities of ANY child of God. Spouse should come before ministry in ALL marriages. If not, then you are disobeying God's Word.

I did not choose my husband over God. I chose to submit to God's Word and submit to my husband in my career choices. That is what an obedient child does.
---Madison1101 on 8/24/06

Rebecca ...# 2 She suffered this because she had been fed the lie that she had to submit to her husband, that he must be in the right because "God had chosen him to be a pastor" (Of course the truth was that the church committee has chosen him, misled by what he said of himself)
How can pastor's duty to God exclude love for his wife?
Love of God includes love of your family.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/24/06

Rebecca ...# 1 Why assume so readily that the pastor is doing God's work? How can he do God's work if he behaves badly towards his wife?
Would God ask a pastor to abandon his wife for another woman?
I know a "pastor" who in private treated his wife appallingly, and beat her.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/24/06

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Madision; so your (ex) husband was more important than God at that time? So you were willing to disobey God's orders by submitting to your husband? A Pastor whom isn't happy and can't spread the word because he back down on his calling isn't good for the flock neither. A House divided can't stand. God tells the women to support the husband's ministry. Is this wife of this Pastor? No.
---Rebecca_D on 8/24/06

Loletha are you the "someone else?" It sounds like it to me. How would you know so much about how he feels if you are not the other person?
Why has he not asked the question?
I think this is made up in your mind and you need the help. I will pray for your help and this be revealed to this Pastor before you can cause damage to the Church, yourself and his family.
---Elder on 8/24/06

Rebecca: God could be using the pastor's wife to teach the pastor something important in his spiritual growth. God never wastes trials in the lives of His children.
---Madison1101 on 8/23/06

#3. While I was in graduate school, I learned that God had been preparing me for my new career all throughout my teaching career.

A pastor who divorces his wife is no example to his flock. How can he do marital counseling and guide people toward the Biblical model of Christ dying for the Church?
---Madison1101 on 8/23/06

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#2 Was I supposed to divorce him because teaching was not my calling? NO. I submitted to him, and became a teacher. In 2001, my husband left me, and in 2002, I entered graduate school to pursue God's calling.
---Madison1101 on 8/23/06

Rebecca: You are so wrong. God called me to be a therapist. That calling came to me in 1980. I started studying psychology in college, to follow God's call. In 1984, my husband, who does not like the mental health field for personal reasons, told me to change my major to elementary education. He told me that he wanted me to be a teacher.
---Madison1101 on 8/23/06

Madision; but you would snarl your nose to someone whom has had a divorce even if it was bringing them down and further away from God. If God called you to do something and your husband (I know your not married) didn't support you and have said he doesn't like being married to someone that God has called. And you weren't happy, it was dragging you down, what would you do? Go back on your calling or tell your husband God called me to do this if you don't like it leave?
---Rebecca_D on 8/23/06

Madision; suffering for the cause of Christ? If his mind is on other things it would be hard for him to preach the word of God. If he backs down from his calling of preaching, just to make his wife happy, how is it that he is suffering for Christ? The calling that God has laid upon this man and him staying in his calling is far more important than his wife. I know God doesn't like divorce, but if it is dragging them both down and they are not happy and there not growing in God, they should divorce.
---Rebecca_D on 8/23/06

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Rebecca "Alan; I have never said his affair was okay"
I know you have not said that, that is why I used the word "seem"
And you do seem to excuse him and blame the wife. Not intentionally, but that's how it comes across. That's why everybody is having a go at you.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/23/06

Rebecca: You just love to twist my words to suit yourself.

Suffering is inevitable for the cause of Christ. The cases I pointed out were ADULTS doing God's will. This pastor is married. God's will is to NOT divorce. The pastor may not be happy for a while. That is suffering for the cause of Christ. Obedience to God is more important.

Scripture is clear that he is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. Christ suffered for the Church. He should suffer for his marriage.
---Madison1101 on 8/22/06

Madision, so God wants people to suffer? Tell that to some small child that is dying of cancer. Alan; I have never said his affair was okay. He needs to find out why his wife isn't supporting him in his ministry. If she isn't supporting him and they continue to be unhappy then they need to get a divorce. When (or if) God called this man to preach he called his wife as well. JohnT; to justify what I done in the past? What did I do that comes close to this situation?
---Rebecca_D on 8/22/06

Rebecca: I'm amazed at your tenacity. From my seat, it is as if you seek to justify WHAT YOU DID IN THE PAST. Others try to state principles to avoid problems IN THE FUTURE.

See the difference?

Your past is between you and God and there is only ONE sin Christ can not deal with; and your past is NOT that sin.

Justifying your past decisions here, will not bring absolution from those who disagree. That generates more heat than light. I suggest letting go of it, and moving on.
---John_T on 8/17/06

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Original poster, can you please give me your email address? I would like to talk to you private? Thank you and blessings, Tiff
---Tiff on 8/17/06

Rebecca ... I think why you are getting some flak is because you seem to be saying that this man's affair is OK because he is unhappy with his wife, that he should divorce because of that.
I'm sure you don't mean that, and that you do agree that he should make every effort to make his marriage work, to find out why he is unhappy, why his wife does not support him, and to try to redress these issues.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/17/06

Carla ... I used paul as an example of a sinner, who nevertheless was a good enough pastor & teacher.
OK he did not deliberately continue in sin. Now the fact that this minister has sinned with his mistress, does not necessarily mean that he should be disbarred. If he stops sinning in that way, and repents and returnes to his wife & loves her, there is nothing to stop him continuing to pastor.
Trouble is we are obsessed with sexual sin, and make it so much more important than other kinds.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/17/06

Rebecca: The Bible is full of scriptures that point out that God's people do suffer misery in His name, obeying His will. Look at Joseph. He suffered for years in prison. Look at Job. Look at Jesus. Look at Paul the apostle. He suffered in prison for the gospel.
Stop telling people that God would not want His people to suffer, because that is a bold faced lie straight from the devil. Read your Bible instead of telling lies.
---Madison1101 on 8/16/06

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Alan; Apparently the man is unhappy or otherwise his mistress or whatever she is to him, wouldn't have came forth to speak on his behalf. My husband is a preacher. And if we aren't happy in our marriage, and I don't stand by his ministery, God can't and won't get any pleasure from that. So we might as well get a divorce. I know what the bible says, but he don't want people he called be in misery. Thank God I don't have this problem.
---Rebecca_D on 8/16/06

If Allan stated truth, then you surely need to make plans for when the feathers hit the fan.
Sin is ALWAYS exposed one way or another, and if hubby is a pastor, then the repurcussions are horribly enormous for all in the family.
1) Go to an abuse hotline (anonymous), or in another town, and explain your situation. They have resources for you, and places to go, and you WILL need a place like that for a while.
2) Ask God for the strength to handle it WHEN YOU NEED STRENGH.
---John_T on 8/16/06

Rebecca ... I think Shannon is suggesting the question might just as well be about her husband. No wonder she hasn't been to the church where her cheating husband is pastor.
Do you really think the wife is unloveable? Straying men will tell all sorts of horrible lies about their wives if it will get some gullible woman into bed.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/15/06

Shannon; Why haven't you been in church? I mean it isn't God's fault that this happened. So you think this Pastor should stay with his unloveable wife and back down from his calling from God, or should he divorce her, stay with his calling to preach and try and move on with someone whom will behind him in his ministry? I would like to know, others say he should stay with her, because he is a Pastor.
---Rebecca_D on 8/10/06

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Is this about my husband? After finding out that my husband had been seeing another woman 2 years ago, I haven't been to church since. It's hard to forgive and forget especially when you live in a fish bowl for everyone to view. I say let him go...but mine won't.
---Shannon on 8/9/06

I hate reading about broken marriages. It's heart breaking. But he should divorce his wife. Going behind her back and cheating on him will just hurt her. I know that it's against your religon and all but sometimes it really is for the best
---private on 8/8/06


I believe one reason people leave is that some here go off on tangents, taking things meant for others as a an unwarranted personal offense, and attack others in retalliation.
---John_T on 8/8/06

I only have onething to say regarding the Pastor. What God has put together, let no man put asunder and I hate divorce, says the Lord. If God said it is set in stone.
---Nancy on 8/8/06

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Maddison actually said that divorce and remarriage was acceptable because of Adultery did you not read her responce correctly.
---Carla5754 on 8/7/06

Alan I do not believe that Paul ever married and divorced which is the example of paul you are using here,we have all sinned unless we idol worship(Adultery towards God) Commit Adultery.I can't see the comparission using Paul here, I think that is misunderstand the debate of remarriage and Pastoring.
---Carla5754 on 8/7/06

That is possible Crystal. Or maybe they see so much disagreement that they don't want to return.
---Rebecca_D on 8/7/06

Why is it that the people who post questions rarely ever come back in and respond to those who answer? Could it be that the same people are asking questions and giving "fake" names? Just an observation...
---Crystal on 8/7/06

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Paul was a big enough sinner & he bacame a sort of pastor.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/7/06

Rebecca: I do believe that our past is under the blood. I also believe that the books written to Timothy and Titus are saying a pastor is to have not been divorced and remarried. Qualifications have nothing to do with God's forgiveness. Qualifications have to do with being able to effectively do the job of pastor/elder/bishop.
---Madison1101 on 8/7/06

I also believe Madison is correct in her answers and was not condemning. I think this thing between two sisters has been going on for a while. Mostly in personal issues which in itself are hard to judge since each case is somewhat different many times. Rebecca has somehow gotten out of tune in some things and don't understand why. I love both of you and both of you have great things to give others. It is after all for the glory of God. Peace be with both of you.
---lee_1 on 8/7/06

JohnT: I know that Rebecca personified what I said about her pastor to herself. I wasn't disagreeing there at all. I saw that right away. No problem here at all with what you said.
---Madison1101 on 8/7/06

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Madision, then your believing is wrong. If God can use sinners to get his job done, then he can call a saved man to Pastor a church, regardless of his past. Do you not agree that our past is under the blood? why should my Pastor's past be any different? It is under the blood, forgotten. but people like you holds that against him saying, "He can't be a man of God, or preach, he's been divorced", and yet we wonder why we can't get along.
---Rebecca_D on 8/7/06

I just gave my viewpoint of Rebecca's responses to you. IMO, her responses indicated that she believes you are condemning the choices she MADE and she personified objective, cautionary statements.

Nor am I stating you did anything wrong, by presenting the things you did, and the way you did them your effort was altruistic.

If an error was made, it happened when we realized she was talking about herself, not as a third party observer, and we continued as we did in the past
---John_T on 8/7/06

Alan: I believe that the context of the verses that I refer to has to do with divorce and remarriage. Scripture is clear that widowed persons are free to remarry.
---Madison1101 on 8/6/06

JohnT: I never said anything to Rebecca about her marriages at all. I was talking about Pastors, and her Pastor in particular.

emg: I said "I BELIEVE that God does not call men to be pastors if they are divorced and remarried," based on what it says about Pastors and Elders in Titus and Timothy. This is my belief based on those scriptures. I never said that the Bible says God does not call a man who has been divorced and remarried. I said "I believe."
---Madison1101 on 8/6/06

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Madison ... you say "I just believe that the office of Pastor is reserved to men who have only been married once, (or not married yet.)" This would exclude the widower ... I don't think yuo meant that?
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/6/06

Madison: Here, Rebecca is talking about a past event. Therefore while what you are saying is correct as Scriptural principles are concerned. She seems to interpert your statements as condemnation of her present choice and lifestyle.

Rebecca: Madison looks at this from the eye of a Christian LCSW. Thus, she sees problems with the choices you made, and is warning about them. Warning about a hole in the road is not the same as condemning you for taking that road. She wants you to avoid bad situations.
---John_T on 8/6/06

True scenario #2: First wife dies. Second wife dies. Denomination suddenly wants this annointed minister back. How is this man of God suddenly different? He has been serving the Lord for thirty years. Is he suddenly more able to serve the denomination because ex-wives died? They chose to go back into the world and serve Satan!!!!
---Susie on 8/6/06

True scenario. Man's wife left him for another man, divorces him, and turns away from serving the Lord shortly after both have been saved. Man goes on to Bible College, becomes licensed in denomination. Man wants to remarry and gives up licensure to remarry. Second wife leaves him after few months due to "pressures" of being with a man who wants to serve the Lord all the time. Third wife is called of God. They serve the Lord together for many years in non-denominational church.
---Susie on 8/6/06

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Madison, to which scripture do you refer when you say that "God does not call men who remarried after divorce to pastor a church."? The reason I ask is because a late minister friend of mine 'lost' his wife to another minister who was also married (2 marriages destroyed through adultery). He was not the one who committed adultery. He died a few years later having not remarried but I'm wondering why you should say that he should not have had he wished to.
---emg on 8/6/06

Rebecca: I NEVER SAID YOU WERE WRONG FOR DIVORCING AND REMARRYING. Read it carefully. I said that a pastor is to be the husband of one wife and that I believe God does not call men who remarried after divorce to pastor a church.

Men and women who divorce and remarry due to adultery can have wonderful lives of service for the Lord. They can be blessed beyond measure. I just believe that the office of Pastor is reserved to men who have only been married once, (or not married yet.)
---Madison1101 on 8/5/06

You said in another blog that God won't call a man to Pastor because he has had a divorced. Well your wrong. I have never met anyone like my Pastor. He is so close to God, I have a nickname for him, which is Abraham. regardless what anyone has done in the past, if they are a Child of God now, whatever they have done in the past is under the blood. but people like you don't let things go and say one isn't called by God.
---Rebecca_D on 8/5/06

Madision; my ex cheated on me, and plus he would tell me what he would like to do to other women and what he wants them to do to him. I said, Don't let the door hit your butt on the way out. Madision, you say that me and my Pastor is in the wrong, because we both got a divorce and we are both remarried (not to eachother), but what you fail to realize is that our past is under the blood, forgotten by God. and you say that the Pastor shouldn't be preaching because he sinned while he was a sinner.
---Rebecca_D on 8/5/06

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As for why our marriage dissolved, there were many factors, including that we were teenagers when we married. My husband was still in high school. He went through a midlife crisis five years ago and wanted to date. He was very controlling and I had some problems I had to get help with.

Why were you unable to keep your marriage together?
---Madison1101 on 8/4/06

Deuteronomy 24 states that once a divorced person remarried, they cannot go back and marry their previous spouse. Therefore, I would not be free to remarry my exhusband should he divorce or become widowed. That is why I am free to marry again.
---Madison1101 on 8/4/06

Rebecca: I have never attacked you concerning your divorce, so I do not understand your defensive concerning yourself.

Concerning my freedom to remarry, I sought the guidance of my pastor and a trusted friend who had been a pastor of mine in the past concerning remarriage. I did not date after my husband left me. Both of these ministers advised me that I am free to remarry after my husband remarries, not before.
---Madison1101 on 8/4/06

I didn't fill for a divorce either with my ex, he did but the fact remains we got a divorce and so didn't you. If you got married, you would commit adultery, unless your going to wait until your ex is dead. So therefore your divorce isn't different than mine, or my Pastor's. That scripture you speaking of, it means ONE WIFE AT A TIME, and don't be like David and the others that had multipal wives, etc. How come you weren't capable of holding your marriage together?
---Rebecca_D on 8/4/06

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some of the comments I recieved on this subject were That I could not forgive, or that the church was wounding their own, I was accused of being divorced myself, but lets us be clear on this subject of re-marriage.
Matthew 19:11 states that some will not recieve this saying save those to whom it is given.

Obviously those that heed the word on divorce and do not COMMIT IT.
---Carla5754 on 8/4/06

I remember when I first came to this website and read a lot of comments on divorce and remarriage and found the compromise to say the least, absolutely non scriptual and at that time there was but a few that commented on the actual scriptures been quoted today. Thank God for his word and the boldness of his servants that are unafraid of the majority and use the word with clarity.
---Carla5754 on 8/4/06

Rebecca: I did not pursue the divorce. I received the divorce from my husband. I did not sin in the divorce, my ex did. Since he remarried, I am free to remarry, because his remarriage is adultery according to scripture.

The New Testament is plain and simple when it comes to the qualifications of a Pastor. Read it. One wife. PERIOD. No more. If a man is incapable of handling his marriage he should not be pastoring a church.
---Madison1101 on 8/3/06

Madision; So your still married, because you didn't get a divorce, and your husband is married to someone else???? Thank you Ryan, I agree with what you had said. Madision, do you not agree with Deuteronomy 24:1-4? Wouldn't my Pastor be in that same boat as these verses say? why yes he would be, just as I am.
---Rebecca_D on 8/3/06

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I know a pastor who divorced his child bride to marry a gorgeous woman who's husband was in a wheelchair with MS. He ran off to a new state & wanted references from elders to start a new church. They told him to jump in a lake. I'm sure he found a way to start a church, but I doubt there's any blessing on it. Secret but not sacred. God knows. Much destruction follows ministers who fall prey to other women. The blush of a new bride makes them feel bullet-proof, only for awhile.
---Rachel on 8/2/06

I am married have only been married once and will only be married once until I sleep and am, with other believers, presented to my spiritual bridegroom.
---Ryan on 8/2/06

Rebecca_D- If people divorce on the grounds of adultry than it is accepted by God. God tells us not to commit adultry (Learn the ways of the world) on our bridegroom, Jesus. So in the two cases you cited divorce is acceptable.
---Ryan on 8/2/06

Rebecca_D, I'm in my first marriage, and separted , my husband is a sinner, and I suspect possible adultry on his part, I HAVE KEPT MYSELF CLEAN regardless of what he is doing. If I find out for sure that he cheated on me, I'm outta there, and will look for someone who is serving the Lord in Spirit and in Truth, I am 33 years old and I'm not going to put up with someone indulging in adultry.
---Mrs._Morgan on 8/2/06

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Jesus said,"For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one title shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Mat.5:18
---Truth on 8/2/06

Rebecca: I did not get a divorce. My husband left me, and filed for divorce. He has since remarried. I live in a no-fault divorce state. It would have been useless to contest it, as he would have been granted his divorce after two years anyway.

I still stand by what scripture says, a pastor should be the husband of one wife. If your pastor was divorced and remarried, he would not have received a call to pastor a church.
---Madison1101 on 8/2/06

Loletha, Why would the pastor be telling you this, if you are not the someone he loves. If that be the case, the best thing you can do for everyone involved, is quit the church and stay away from that pastor. Find another gospel preaching church. Do not spend time alone with others women's husbands (pastors or not).
---Creamcup on 8/2/06

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