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Husband Still Wants Mom

What do you do when your fionce mentions that when you marry he wants to find 2 houses in the same street? One for you and him and one for his mom and sister 2 or 3 houses down?

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 ---natasha on 8/7/06
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Well that is a bit close for comfort. Does he think you are marrying his family? Talk to him and make sure you are making the right decision before you marry him, not after.
---Helen_5378 on 10/5/07

While he may be going overboard a little, the fact is watch the way he treats his mother and you will know how he will treat you. That is a fact.
---shira on 3/26/07

While he may be going overboard a little, the fact is watch the way he treats his mother and you will know how he will treat you. That is a fact.
---shira on 3/26/07

What is your boy friend's reason for his mom and two sister's living that close to you? I would let him know how you feel about this before you marry.
---Betty on 8/26/06

Natasha, We're doing a study in my home cell group, "The Idol Factory" - a set of tapes by C.J. Mahaney. Wanting to be the first, other than the Lord, in your husband's life is not in itself sin - wanting it too much and demanding it is sin. When a normal, and even Godly desire, turns into a demand or "right" and/or provokes an over-reaction, perhaps we've allowed that desire to become a god/idol.
---daphn8897 on 8/11/06

Natasha, talk to your husband.Do not marry him until you do. I have been married for six years. I felt the same way you do. I thought that things would change. They didn't. They got worse. My M I L thinks that my husband is responsible for taking care of her. When my husband told her that he couldn't afford to pay our bills and hers too, she said we were living above our means. Ask your fiance if he can afford to take care of them and you and any future kids.
---Takisha on 8/11/06

hi sue, thats what i dont they are great and he is great, i just always feel like they come first before me (as they do need him more than me financially at least)and now if we get married to have them so close it just feels like i will land up living my whole life in their shadows. I know it sounds selfish which is why i asked for some advice :)
---natasha on 8/11/06

Hmmm, I'm not sure if I'd like my mom in law to live so close!! But, in saying that, your hubby sounds like a loving, careing man to want to take care of his family like that. If you get along with him mom and love his family, why not have them live close by?
---sue on 8/10/06

Daphn 8897 too bad your feelings have betrayed you so you can't trust them. God gave feelings to us for a reason. It took many years to know the difference between normal feelings and how God uses feelings to speak to us. Feelings directed by the Holy Ghost will always line up with the Word,but they will also direct our path if we learn to know it's from God. Feelings sent by God prompt to prayer for things or people who need God's touch and leading. I'm blessed to be used of God for others in this way.
---Darlene_1 on 8/10/06

Darlene, I've learned the hard way not to trust "feelings." They are fleeting at best. What I do trust is God's word, and the people He's put into my life, that know me well. That's why I suggested Natasha sit down with her fiance and discuss the points of the prenup - to find if there's a place of compromise - so both of them have peace - regardless of "feelings". Sometimes I don't "feel" good about doing what's right - but I have peace.
---daphn8897 on 8/10/06

thank you All for the advice. :)
---natasha on 8/10/06

Natasha, if they are being put before you then he is not really as ready for marriage as he thinks he is. A spouse becomes next of kin, legally and emotionally and, until he can accept this and put you first willingly he should not contemplate marriage. I think that what you describe as jealousy is actually a feeling of hurt because he is not seeing that you come first. You say they are nice people, that's good but they and he should accept that you will take priority at marriage.
---emg on 8/10/06

DAphn 8897,not all feelings come from the heart,sometimes God drops a knowing into one's spirit and the feeling signals beware.
Sometimes it is a thought but one knows its not theirs,God speaks through feelings in many ways and to ignore them is sometimes to ignore God trying to lead. Many times God drops it into my mind through feelings to pray for someone,I feel there is a need there,and God keeps bringing a name before me. Don't underestimate or dismiss feelings so quickly,you may miss God.
---Darlene_1 on 8/9/06

Darlene, "trust your feelings/warnings and don't dismiss them as jealousy" - this is bad and incomplete advise. We should NEVER trust our feelings - scripture tells us our hearts are deceitfully wicked. Natasha has already admitted jealousy. Perhaps she's the one not ready for marriage to this man, and has some growing up to do.
---daphn8897 on 8/9/06

Natasha, trust your feelings/warnings and don't dismiss them as jealousy. I lived behind my inlaws and husbands younger brother for 5 years and they were 5 miserable years,why,because my husband had been their provider too,until he married me. That feeling of responsibility didn't leave because of marriage,and many times he put them first without even realizing he did. On top of everything I felt they treated me like a thief because I married their paycheck. They weren't nice! Be careful,pray hard.
---Darlene_1 on 8/9/06

hi susie, yes there is jealousy.. Im not trying to deny it. They are both living with him currently and his newphew(2yrs). And they are wonderful people. Not sure why i feel so jealous. It just always seems like they are being put before me and i dont want to become resentful.
---natasha on 8/9/06

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It sounds like you are marrying a wonderful man who is also taking care of his mother and sister. This is a good sign of how he will take care of you and your future family. The other house would be a good investment also. Sounds to me like there is some jealousy here that shouldn't be here at all. Does he live with his mother now?
---Susie on 8/8/06

**Bible;a man shall leave father and mother and cleave unto his wife Genesis2:24.**

If this were literally true, Isaac was not really married, as he continued to live in his mother's tent.

In fact, the general practice in Bible times was for the WIFE to leave and join the husband in living with HIS family under the head of the clan. The Romans called him "paterfamilias".
---Jack on 8/8/06

Living in the same town as your m-in-l is one thing. Being only a couple of streets away in walking distance might be fine also but 2 or 3 houses away might not be very private. You need the freedom to come and go and live your lives your own way without m-in-l being 'that' close. May I give you a word of advice (wherever you decide to live)? Keep your outer doors locked so that whoever visits has to ring the bell and be 'invited' in.
---emg on 8/8/06

Natasha,yes you have valid reasons. Sister & mother should be second. Bible;a man shall leave father and mother and cleave unto his wife Genesis2:24. He should consider your wishes in this matter and not force you to do something you aren't comfortable with. Even if there's plenty of money why does he have to have them a stone's throw away? Maybe your heart is warning you of potential trouble. Sit him down and be completely honest,if he won't comply with your wishes perhaps he's not ready for marriage.
---Darlene_1 on 8/8/06

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yes money is no problem its just emotionally i dont know how to bring my feelings about the circumstances across to him, and whether i have valid reasons for how i feel.
---natasha on 8/8/06

** he is 35 yrs old and supports his mom who is a great lady**

Well, you've answered your own question: your intended is responsible for his mother's (and possibly sister's) support.

Is he going to be able to support them AND you and possible children as well, under these circumstances? This is a question you should explore with him.
---Jack on 8/7/06

he is 35 yrs old and supports his mom who is a great lady.. we get along really well and he just loves his family which i dont deny him.. im just not sure why i feel so uncomfortable with them maybe(almost definately) living so close.. And i dont know how to tell him that without sounding jealous or unreasonable..
---natasha on 8/7/06

When I was growing up, my paternal first cousins lived next door to our grandmother, which I thought was the best thing in the world.

OTOH, my maternal first cousin envied me because I lived in walking distance of OUR common grandparents, and she lived in another state.
---Jack on 8/7/06

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Carefully obsvere how he treats his mother, and how she may or may not try to control him. Is he independent emotionally from her? Is he under her thumb? Be very observant. This could be a healthy thing for him if his mom is widowed and he wants to be sure she is taken care of, OR it could be a sign that Mommy's apron strings are not yet cut.
---Madison1101 on 8/7/06

I live walking distance to my in-laws. At times it gets annoying because anytime you go out anywhere, they know. but other times it comes in handy. I have two children, and we walk to Mamaw's and Pops house. At times it is handy for all of us. If you get along with your (soon to be)in-laws, then it will work out fine. If not then you might have a problem.
---Rebecca_D on 8/7/06

Suggest that he buy a third house in the same street, 2 or 3 houses up from yours for your parents and siblings. His reaction will be interesting to say the least!!!!
---M.P. on 8/7/06

I had problems with my husband (the first year we were married saying things things like) You don't iron my shirts like my mom did, or your stew doesn't look like my mom's stew. I can not imagine living that close to my mother in law. I don't think I could have stood it. The first year is hard enough, getting used to one another, without having her within running distance when he doesn't like something.
---Dottie on 8/7/06

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