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I Live With My Dad

I am 32 years old and my father lives with me. He destroyed several of my friendships and also invades my privacy by searching my bedroom when I am not home. What do I do?

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 ---jerry on 8/16/06
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ok so u take care of him and dont let him know whats going on with u
---derrick on 12/10/07

b. He'll want to know why you've done it and you'll have to tell him and be blunt. No-one would wish to treat a father like a lodger but he isn't being fair with you nor is he giving you any respect despite the fact you have given him a home. I wish you all the best with this. It's a hard place to be.
---M.A. on 12/9/07

a. If it is YOUR house and you are allowing him to live with you, then you make the rules - regardless of the fact that he is your father. Talking to him about this is the best way but this might be difficult for you depending on his attitude to you. One quick solution to a small part of the problem would be to fit locks to any rooms you do not wish him to enter, especially those you consider your own private space.
---M.A. on 4/15/07

if your dad is sick then i would let him live with me but if he financialy stable and everyhting else then he needs to move out and let you live the rest of your life with out haveing to worry about people searching threw your thing like your father
---sarah on 9/11/06

the bible says fathers dont provoke your children to wrath, i now know why
he has done so much to me that i dont have any feelings for him anymore
no hate no love nothing
if i am wrong i ask god to forgive me
and help me to move on
thank you for all the advice and prayers and support may god bless you all.
---jerry on 8/20/06

hi again I took all advice into consideration and i tried again to talk to my dad to no avail i hired a live-in house keeper nurse and i did put the lock on the door i am also looking into moving into another home close by enough to keep an eye out but i am not letting him know where i am
---jerry on 8/20/06

I agree with Jack absolutely. You are in a horrible position Jerry but these problems will not necessarily go away by you giving him all these things. If dad is incapable of looking after himself he is probably incapable of handling the bills and protecting himself from con artists. He needs care of one sort or another and you need freedom to live. Perhaps the time has come to re-think the care situation.
---emg on 8/19/06

If you give your house to your Dad, what then? he will have no-one else to look after him, unless you stay. You will have solved no problems.
---alan8869_of_UK on 8/19/06


To do this properly, you need legal advice, and for this, you need a real estate lawyer.

Three years from now memories can get "fuzzy" as it suits one, so an attorney may be the best and cheapest insurance in the long run.
---John_T on 8/18/06

Jerry, my heart goes out to you on this, nothing is easy about your situation. I will pray for you and your dad. God Bless.
---bethie on 8/18/06

Jerry--Do you really think your dad was asking for your car and house?

Do you actually believe this will make him happy?

No. He's going to tell everybody (including people you know) how you mistreated him and then abandoned him. Next, a sharp con artist will come and say sweet words and swindle him out of everything you left him.

I'll bet next month's rent that within a year this will happen, and he'll be back on your hands again, ruining your life by running it into the ground.
---Jack on 8/18/06

I agree with your decisions Jerry, and I know God will take care of the situation. Your dad may treat you poorly because he feels comfortable with you and knows you won't ever leave him. It is good to set boundaries, and there is no excuse for the way he has treated you, but I believe you are truly seeking out God's truth and wisdom, and I know God will continue to give it you if you ask him. God bless!
---Katie on 8/18/06

i thank everyone for their support in this matter i did do research on mood swings it seems this is the case only with me he treats everyone else like royalty i tried to speak to him last night and he refused to hear me i am giving him the house and the car he has money to pay the bills and still live happy, god will bless me again I read the bible and i came across the scripture jesus said if they take your coat give them your cloak... thank you for all the support.. i pray god bless all of you >>Jerry
---jerry on 8/18/06

Jerry - I just read that you might give your house over to your dad. Please think long and hard before you do that. Maybe that is what your dad wants. Gee, don't let him manipulate and control you into doing that.
---Helen_5378 on 8/18/06

2. and either of those choices would be expensive. If it is pointed out to him that you have choices here and that you can change his care plan he might just decide that he is onto a good thing the way things are so he should stop 'rocking the boat'. If he isn't senile he should get the message and if he is senile he needs a different kind of care anyway.
---emg on 8/18/06

Whatever you do or don't do, KEEP your house. It sounds as if he's learned the art of manipulation, Talking to him is, initially, the most important thing and getting him to respect your privacy. Regardless of whether or not the illness has an effect on his behaviour he has to be made to realise that he is treating you badly. Perhaps the time has come when he needs to be told that there are alternatives, which could be a care home or a qualified carer coming in to look after him.
---emg on 8/18/06

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Jerry,I really commend you for taking care of your dad, I know how hard it can be. I had to move next door to my mom and we both have little studio apartments but at least I have my space. It sounds like that is just what you need, your OWN space. Maybe a short vacation? Maybe some help with your dad from Agency of Ageing in your city?
---sue on 8/17/06

Part 3:
Tell him that if he violates your privacy, or alienates your friends, or interferes with your job, or otherwise damages your life, he's going out the door. Prepare for him to go into another pout--excuse me, depression--when you tell him this.
He obviously has learned that he can control you by acting like a spoiled child. He needs to learn new lessons and more appropriate behavior.
---Jack on 8/17/06

Part 2:
You have a right and duty to set boundaries and make them stick! And do NOT give up your own house!
Your father may not be controlling his diabetes, but he sure is controlling YOU.
You are an adult and have the right to expect your father to respect this.
---Jack on 8/17/06


I will be praying for you while you traverse this very difficult path. It must be gut-wrenching to love someone who tortures you. I respect your desire to "honor your father," but I also agree with others here who have clearly stated that there needs to be boundaries & mutual respect. May I suggest a counselor who has experience in these situations? Also, the whole depression thing is a way your father manipulates you through the utilization of guilt. Don't buy into it.
---Crystal on 8/17/06

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The Bible also says, "Fathers, PROVOKE NOT YOUR CHILDREN"! Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21

You have not made clear if your dad is a compliant diabetic. I wouldn't be surprised if he is not making any effort to manage his diabetes. Excessively high blood glucose can cause mood AND behavior to go out of control.
---Jack on 8/17/06

Thanks for more data. Now I ask, is he under control as a diabetic? Mood changes may be the result of glucose levels.

If he is not senile, have a third party talk to him, maybe he will listen.

Perhaps as you suggest living in a small studio apartment, or in a "senior center" may be best for all.

In the meanwhile, get that lock on the door.
---John_T on 8/17/06

thank you for all your advice
first of all he is diabetic
but not and invalid yet he sometimes acts like it
i just dont want to upset him by telling him anything because the last time i tried he went into a depression but now i see a pattern i have left many jobs because of him i am planning to leave him for a while and move to another place
let him move around for himself a bit
the house is mine but i will give it to him and start over if i have to.
---jerry on 8/17/06

Yes, the Bible says "honor your father and mother", but, you don't have to put up with that. My mom was the same way, and I finally had to sever all ties with her to keep sanity in my family. She was scaring my kids, and almost cost me my marriage. My advise is to place him in a retirement home or someplace like that.
---Lissa on 8/17/06

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I'm assuming you've talked to him about it, and he has ignored your requests? I think it very honorable of you to take care of him. It's easy to love the lovely...
If it were me, I'd put a lock on my bedroom door, and explain to my friends the situation, and not to listen to anything my dad says or pay attention to what he does. Most of all, pray for your father.
---Katie on 8/17/06

Jerry, "the bible says honour your parents" I commend you for that, you'll be blessed.
Is there a legal, medical or mental reason for living with you? Clearly, he is doing unacceptable things. Are you able to talk with him about this?
Perhaps the Area Agency of Aging can help in this case.
Immediately, I'd place a lock on your bedroom door, and discuss this with dad.
There's gotta be more to the story than you are revealing. We can suggest better if you tell more.
---John_T on 8/17/06

Jerry, Is your dad crippled or an invalid? I could see helping him if he couldn't work and live on his own, but if he isn't then honoring him may just be the reason to kick him out on his own so he can have some self respect. In the meantime, get a lock on your bedroom door. And explain to friends beforhand how he is so they will ignore him.
---sue on 8/17/06

Sounds like it's time to move out or ask him to leave and give him the reasons why. Is his name on the lease? Because if it is, you will have to re-do the lease without his name being on it. Did you ask him why he's destroying several of your friendships? and why he invades your privacy? What does he say? Did you tell him that's NOT acceptable?
---Donna9759 on 8/17/06

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because no one else in the family wants to live with him they all moved away
i do all i can for him
the bible says honour your parents
---jerry on 8/17/06

I am 33 and I also live my folks. I am here to help take care of my grandmother and father who both have health issues. My dad and I have come to the agreement that yes, I am his little girl still, but I am also grown up, he can give advice but he cannot take over my life and tell me what to do. It took alot of talking to get it to this point, I suggest sitting down with your dad and have a heart to heart. Talk to him, pray with him and have him pray for you.
---bethie on 8/17/06

Oh my goodness, I would not put up with that. I would speak to him and let him know in no uncertain terms that he is not to do that any longer. You may just have to consider asking/telling him to move out if he does not stop. You are an adult and do not have to submit to his controlling ways.
---Helen_5378 on 8/17/06

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