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Recently Divorced My Husband

I am recently divorced with two children. I am the one who filed for divorce as my husband commited adultery. How does God look at this and what do we in the everyday world think of this?

Moderator - God would say you should forgive your husband and not divorce him. Consider counseling first. The world will say do whatever feels right.

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 ---matha3838 on 10/17/06
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To all those who really believe that the world cares about what you "FIND", let me burst your bubble...


You can play long suffering martyr/victim/hero all you want, but the truth is the truth.

There is alot of this MENTIONING of what people "FIND" here on ChristaNet (trying to make the other person feel guilt or shame for saying what they have to say).
---greg on 3/28/08

Annie, isn't there anything that I said that you "FIND" to your dislike? You may find it a little more difficult to say something to one of the children of divorced parents, but since you are so good at FINDING things, I'm sure your imagination can FIND something...or am I wrong?
---greg on 3/28/08

Moderator, I find your comment unnecessary. You have no idea what this lady has been through nor the pain she has experienced. I have walked in her shoes, did not believe in divorce, but...the pain the children and I were enduring on a daily basis was unreal. My daughters grew up to become fine, Christian women.
---Annie on 3/28/08

Read I Cor.7:10-16. Unforunately you will "go through" this x3 because of your children. You will have to deal with your pain and theirs. It is not an easy road. The world doesn't care. The church divorce statistics are just as high or higher than the worlds.
---melann on 3/28/08

Just because God ALLOWED Moses to offer certificates of divorce for certain reasons (and to prevent battered wives a life of torment) does not mean that it's simply 'OKAY'.

The Lord also said (IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS) "I HATE DIVORCE" (but history has proven that nobody really cares about The Lord's likes and dislikes/preferences). Reconcile with your husband IF it is WISE (battered wives owe nothing to satan).
---greg on 3/28/08

As a sidenote, watch your children's behavior. I am a child of divorced parents. Even years before they divorced, my mind knew that I was born by mistake (life long identity crisis).

I grew up not truly being able to relate to and identify with reality/life. Nobody had truly welcomed me on to this earth, I was in a constant daze. Most children of divorce also suffer depression through late adulthood (statistics). Love them, make them feel important.
---greg on 3/28/08

Don't let your children be taught the false doctrine of "SELF abasement" (self abaTemement/abandonment,Colossians 2:18 and 23), it will prevent healing from their identity crisis. Their relationship must be "in my inmost SELF, Romans 7:22 and they must LOVE (not mere FAITH) "I am who I am".
---greg on 3/28/08

They must learn to "WALK BY THE SPIRIT" Galatians 5:16 and 25, and also HEAR, John 10:27 the "SWORD OF THE SPIRIT" Ephesians 6:17 instead of simply reading the introductory doctrine of Christ (Hebrews 6:1), which is "the word of truth" (2 Timothy 2:15, Ephesians 1:13, John 14:6) in order to learn the "depths of God" 1 Corinthians 2:10.

All verses are from the RSV.
---greg on 3/28/08

Good, the bible gives two reason abondment and adultrey. If you wanted to work it out fine but move on. God will send a man in your life who is worthy of you love. Too many diseases out here that will kill you to have a unfaithful man in your life.
I pray that God will bless you to be a good strong mother for your children.
---Lisa on 3/27/08

It is obvious that moderator never had to go through this. Divorce should be your last option. God will forgive you. I had three children, my husband cheated on me, then told our son that the fights were because of him, he was only 11 yrs old and devastated. I told my son it wasn't him. I threw dad out that day. Never bring the children into your mess. I know that God has forgiven me, because God brought the best Christian man into my life, I am Blessed.
---pgfdottie on 3/27/08

As for the world. Their opinion is not God's..not from a Christian mindset..its possible for them to think anything. They do not seek Godly wisdom or standards...only what they can individually understand and what 'feels' good to them. I agree with the Moderator--the world will say do whatever YOU think is right...they do not hold themselves to any standard higher than themselves-so there's a lot of variance from person to person. Of course, that is wrong and not what God tells us to do.
---jeff on 3/27/08

I do believe that divorce is an option to protect oneself physically or financially from a dangerous/abusive situation. However, I believe the time apart should be used to seek God to make yourself the person He wants you to be and to pray for your spouse--eventually seeking God to restore your marriage and relationship-Not just to start over with a clean slate and start another relationship.
---jeff on 3/27/08

I know God hates divorce. I believe that if BOTH parties submit to and obey God, God will work in them and restore the love, trust, faithfulness, etc in that relationship. What a testimony to God that would be. I forgive my wife and pray for her everyday for things she does on an almost daily basis to our children mostly but also to me. I pray she turns to God and our marriage and family is restored.
---jeff on 3/27/08

As much pain she has put my kids and me through, I believe that IF she returned to Christ, God would want me to forgive her and work to restore our marriage and family. However, she has the choice to never allow God to soften her heart and choose to stay uncommitted to Him and/or to me. As a Christian, I try to serve God regardless of my 'personal convictions','individual beliefs', or individual 'happiness'. I am happy in obeying His commandments.
---jeff on 3/27/08

My wife turned from God, became/is promiscuous and immoral, and basically turned her back on being a real mother..I fought like crazy to save my marriage--still pray for her. I prayed, went to counseling, anything I could do...but in the ex did/does not want to obey God. She wanted to rebelliously live her own way.
---jeff on 3/27/08

My aunt went through a similar situation. My Uncle was having an affair with another woman for months and only spilled it when the other became pregnant.
I admire someone who prays and sticks with the marriage to salvage. But there has GOT to be some accountabillity by the other person to to GROW UP and quit being such a jerk.
---Nicola on 3/27/08

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I believe God knows your heart already. He made a provision for divorce if one party commits adultery, so I don't believe you have done anything wrong. But yes, I do believe you should forgive your now ex-husband (but that doesn't always mean stay with him!). The world will certainly believe you were justified.
---Debbie_in_Ohio on 3/27/08

God Loves you both, and all of us ! I understand the Christian doctrine that says we shouln't divorce, but jesus does excuse unfaithfulness as a reason for divorce. God is the God of many chances and with the world as it is today I truly believe God is more understanding than we can ever know. He is the God of many chances is he not ? Just do your best from an honest heart, and God will do the rest. Amen !
---tony on 8/9/07

Both my husband first, then myself have committed adultry. We are both are believers, (and sinners)though my husband has since removed himself from the Church and all discussions or relationships with christians. It is difficult and at times I have thought it is too much.... as my husband says "how long do we push a rock up a hill?" For me, divorce seems eminent, but for GOD, marriage is HIS design. We can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us.
---Laurie on 8/8/07

You shouldn't have divorced him if there was some hope he might stop fornicating. If there's some hope he might stop fornicating, I believe it is best to renew the marriage, as it is best to do all that is possible to save the marriage. If he doesn't want you back or if this isn't possible, then scripture seems to imply it is okay to remarry in that case.
---Debby on 8/8/07

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Part 2:
From the standpoint of the child, it took me a long time to forgive my step-dad. I had looked up to him as a dad and was let down. His actions not only ruined a marriage, but it ruined his relationship with his children, especially with one of my brothers and me. He had been the father in our lives after our own dad let us down.
---Katie on 8/8/07

Candice, I agree with you. My mom and step-dad divorced because of adultery (and other problems). She tried making the marriage work, but he didn't want to and he became abusive. Because they got divorced, we were better off. Now, she's getting married to a great person.
---Katie on 8/8/07

You are free to remarry but it has to be to another Christian, if you are a Christian. If the reason was adultery then that is grounds for divorce.
If you are a Christian why would you worry about how the world would look upon this? We as Christians are not to follow the ways of the world. We are to be followers of Christ and His ways. The world could care less about what God thinks. Not so with true Christians.
---Robyn on 8/7/07

If he commited adultry then you have every right to leave him & it be fine with God,also that permits you to be released in every way from your ex & it also allows you to remarry. I donot approve what the moderator says for I divorced my ex while he commited adultry and got engaged ot another woman while I was pregnant & still married to him! my now husbnad is a blessing & so are our 2 sons.
---candice on 8/7/07

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unfortunately you cannot remarry while your husband is is alive Matt 19:6 and Mk 10:9 says what God has joined together let not man put asunder.most misrepresent the exception clause-save for the cause of fornication. matt 5:32 and 19:9. this is talking to engaged people, not married. unmarried commit fornication-married commit adultery. Matt 1:18-19 in verse 18 Joseph and mary are espoused-engaged, but v. 19 joseph is referred to a husband. the jews considered engaged to be married, but not fully
---r.w. on 8/7/07

I believe it is God's will to restore broken and imperfect marriages to glorify Him. It is rebellion against God, sin, and pride that destroys marriages. My wife left me after 3 beautiful children and 15 years to be "20" again. She has hurt me and my children terribly-but I believe, if she surrenders to and lives for God again someday, God's desire would be to restore our marriage and family.
---Broken_Heart on 8/7/07

After you take your vows, 'happiness' has NOTHING to do with your commitment to obey God's commandments towards your mate--love and faithfulness to marriage is not a 'feeling' it's a decision and a commitment based on God's commandments and principles. Your 'happiness' must come from obeying God or it's worthless, fleeting, and will lead you astray.
---Broken_Heart on 8/7/07

I disagree with the Moderator and others who hold this view. You can forgive your cheating spouse but no where in the bible does it say you have to stay with him or her. Matter of fact there is only one reason to divorce and that is adultery.Death releases us from the marriage without divorce. You do not have to go into counseling,either. Again it is your choice. You can forgive a person and choose not to be around them anymore. Know the truth and the truth shall set you free St John 8:32.
---Robyn on 8/6/07

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Sometimes we must endure pain,God will test our faith.We must know that God is in control of all things but we must be obedient to his word and in return you will be blessed,even in the storm.
---Ann on 8/4/07

Moderator is dead on, Jesus said Moses permitted divorce due to the hardness of hearts.
This is not God's design, and the children will still love their Father so this hurts them.
You've started down a very broken road, and there's no way it comes without consequense.
God is not pleased with divorce.
---Pharisee on 7/23/07

Michelle, Your ex-husband sounds like he was a candidate of "adultery of the heart", meaning if one had the "opportunity" to physically(sleep with another) break their marriage vow, they would "jump at that chance", thus it's adultery of the [heart]. Adulterers are led by their lusts--the flesh(just like any other sinner). God's people are led by the Holy Spirit. God Bless!
---Mrs._Morgan on 1/19/07

Matthew, you are absolutely right. He was not a Christian. We were unequally yoked. To this day, he still does not believe.
---Michelle on 11/27/06

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Michelle it sounds like the first mistake you made was to marry a non-Christian.
---Matthew on 11/27/06

I was divorced many years ago. My ex-husband refused to have sexual relations with me for one year and prior to that mistreated me in the marital bed. He also had "phone sex" with men. He also verbally abused me and made nasty comments about my weight. But I guess I was supposed to stay married to him, according to many of you.
---Michelle on 11/27/06

Martha::A marriage is a contract of Fidelity.One of the hardest things to bear is betrayal& really unsolveable on this forum.God has his own views But he is a compassionate Saviour The unrighteous will get their just desserts But the pain has no salve except TIME. Time & Trust may help you soothe the heart, but its the children who suffer.Deep prayer will replenish,& find an outlet to your drained resources.
---Emcee on 11/24/06

Some of the answers here, including from the moderator, really make me shake my head! I was the victim of countless cheating in marriage; my first husband flaunted it in front of my face, practically--and my minister said I sinned in divorcing him! UGH!
---Mary on 11/24/06

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Elder ... I have written to you on the 3rd most helpful blog.
You may be able to throw some light on the situation, as you have before
---alan8869_of_UK on 10/26/06

Eloy you will have to honestly answer the questions first then you will see the point of my statement.
Just don't leave any gaps this time.
---Elder on 10/25/06

elder, and the point of your comment is...?
---Eloy on 10/23/06

Eloy. Oh, is that what you call it, preaching the truth.
Do you ever preach that what so ever a man sows he also reaps?
Maybe your advice to a battered woman would be kill the guy God will forgive you. If we do not reap what we sow what would be wrong with that?
---Elder on 10/23/06

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emg, you also mock, but God is not mocked; and I say to you that what you sow you will surely reap.
---Eloy on 10/22/06

elder, you make light of my preaching truth. elder and emg, your judgment is faulty.
---Eloy on 10/22/06

Eloy, I believe that it is you who are in error but to use your own frequent phrase 'you will believe what you want'.
---emg on 10/22/06

Emg, you are correct. In Eloy's answer I see the song and dance I just don't hear the music that he does.
The Lord does all things decently and in order.
Again, in Ezra 10, God told His children to separate from the mates they had married because of their sins.
---Elder on 10/21/06

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elder, you bring up different scenarios, when the fact remains that true forgiveness completely erases the offense of the offender, as far as the East is from the West he removes our transgressions from us, casting them into the deepest darkest ocean, to be remembered no more. But as long as you hold one accountable for their sin, then you have not truly forgiven them.
---Eloy on 10/21/06

emg, your belief is in error. elder said that he prayed and repented. Therefore if his prayer and repentance are genuine then God will forgive and restore, for he is not prejudiced giving of his mercy and healing, if he restores one genuinely repentant sinner then he will restore all genuinely repentant sinners, otherwise God would be a liar and unholy in his judgment.
---Eloy on 10/21/06

Matha has not chosen to respond to the questions regarding the aspects of her divorce. Until there is more information, it is futile going round and round as this blog is doing. I think the theme of "forgiveness" is the one that will help her go forward in her personal life now. I do believe godly Christian counseling would benefit her as well as a mature Christian mentor encouraging her in God's Word. Ps. 19:7-9
---Linda on 10/21/06

Whether or not God could restore a severed hand is not in doubt. Elder asked 'will He?' not 'could He?' I believe that God would allow a person to live with the consequences of their actions in a case like this. That does not mean that the person is not forgiven.
---emg on 10/21/06

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I expect no other "answer" from you Eloy. It shows your knowledge.
Do you think God will forgive me for speeding?
If so will I still have to pay the fine or just tell the Judge that God forgave me?
---Elder on 10/20/06

Elder, Wjat is impossible with man, is possible with God. For God is alive and he still heals today: God makes the cripple walk, the deaf hear, the dumb speak, the blind see, and the dead to rise again. So he could very easily restore your severed hand.
---Eloy on 10/20/06

Eloy if I get mad and cut my hand off to spite my wife and later I pray and repent will God forgive me?
I say yes He will. As you find it possible to disagree with me so much I don't know how you feel about that.
Now that I am forgiven will God grow my hand back because I am forgiven?
Awaiting your insight......
---Elder on 10/19/06

Pharisee, I know, I would that this so-called age of Kali was finished. But unfortunately, it is supposed to get even darker before the Lord God returns.
---Eloy on 10/19/06

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Eloy I understand where Elder is coming from.

He's making the point that forgiveness can occur and the need to protect one's home and family from abusers can also be established.

Some people really have no choice when a mate won't repent of their ways, they have to divorce, and ultimately it's not what they'd want to happen, but getting beat on or cheated on again can't continue.
---Pharisee on 10/19/06

Pharisee, I agree with you but not with elder. True forgiveness does not hold the offender acccountable, but has in all senses wiped the slate clean as though the offense has never happened. If you make the person pay for any damage in any way for what they wronged, then you have not truly forgiven him. Like Jesus, in cases of forgiveness we also allow ourselves to be defrauded and to suffer loss. Either the offender is held accountable or he is forgiven, but not both. Please read I Corinthians 6:6-8.
---Eloy on 10/18/06

Pharisee, yes, the Golden Rule applies: Do and say to others exactly what we would want others to say and do to us: would we want forgiveness? then we must forgive. Be slow to divorce, slow to anger, and slow to destroy what God has joined together; and also quick to pray, quick to peace, and quick to forgive.
---Eloy on 10/18/06

If I may expand on your point...
Faith bridges the gap between punitive and spiritual, Heaven and Earth, and advises separation, time, and Peace in many cases and not immediate divorce, and the variables are too different in every situation for there to ever be a blanket ruling that's true for every case with God.

While it's true that forgiveness is possible with divorce, it's also true that overcoming is possible with the Holy Spirit.
My mother is living proof.
---Pharisee on 10/18/06

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I don't want to share my Mother's case too much but she's married to a verbally abusive man who is also paranoid schitzo (I can't even spell it) and won't see a doctor.

She deals with him constantly, and God makes a way for her; they've been separated twice, and she's doing her best to be a good wife and wear a crown in Heaven.

In a clear case where she could easily divorce and be forgiven She has chosen (at least for now) suffering. My point is people should be slow to end their marriage.
---Pharisee on 10/18/06

It is possible to forgive and still divorce someone. Divorce is a punitive action, forgiveness is a Spiritual action.
A wife can forgive her husband and yet he refuses to stop. She can divorce and forgive him.
Forgiveness is an action that says I will not hold the offense against the offender. It does not say the slate is clear, go do it again.
God forgives our sin but we are responsible for our action.
If I break your car window God will forgive me yet I still have to pay to fix it.
---Elder on 10/18/06

God looks at this as SIN on her husband's part, not hers.

How can you be so sure?
Is unforgiveness a sin or not?

Did she attempt to make things new with her husband, did she try to forgive?

That's not listed, and so we have to go with the information given here, and at what causes divorce - the hardening of one's heart.
---Pharisee on 10/18/06

Each individual believer is responsible before God for their actions or lack there of.

The condition of marital infidelity is a guideline, it's for people who have tried to reconcile first, and as much as they could tried to honor God's wishes, but can't bear the burden.

How then is one approved according to the information we've been given in this question?
For not listening to the Holy Spirit in a case like this YES there WILL BE consequenses.
---Pharisee on 10/18/06

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Getting beat up over and over again is different from being cheated on once and then not forgiving the person and divorcing them don't you think?

Divorce always creates suffering, and Jesus said if we don't forgive from the heart that we will not be forgiven.

This man was an adulterer by his actions YES, but unforgiveness ensures that he stay one, and anyone he marries becomes one. Forgiveness is a required course and not an elective.
---Pharisee on 10/18/06

Pharisee, I love you dearly and I deeply respect you. However, your very first response sounded like you were angry and condemning and I know that's not your character. I too came from a broken home and I was being abused and I filed for divorce. I didn't suffer consequences, instead God had to love me back to life from being beat up for 8 months of my 5 year marriage. I was so bruised Pharisee, that I didn't "suffer consequences," Instead God healed me of those wounds that went so deep.
---Donna9759 on 10/18/06

Pharisee, you say: there's no way it comes without consequense. God is not pleased with divorce.

forgiven yes, Donna, but does that mean that God will not discipline his children, does that disable the laws of cause and effect?

Pharisee, may I ask you: Who would God discipline? the one who committed adultery? or the one cheated on? She says her husband committed adultery. God looks at this as SIN on her husband's part, not hers. So why would she suffer consequences if she divorced him?
---Donna9759 on 10/18/06

God hates divorce and also adultery. All sin is condemned. Prayer and marriage counselling are good things, but some adulterers are bent on cheating, in which case God will not condone three people (you and your spouse, and the other person) sharing the marriage bed, for that is defilement of your sacred union. And the unfaithful spouse can also bring diseases into your house. It depends on you and if you can forgive, and if the unfaithful is willing to repent, then your marriage can be healed.
---Eloy on 10/17/06

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I think God would say that if it's possible to be re-united you should do so. If your husband has had a habit of cheating on you then, in his heart he's already divorced you. God doesn't like divorce but sometimes he does allow it to happen. And even the worst case he can use to find good in.

It's easy to say you shouldn't divorce - but when trust leaves so does love and when love leaves - a marriage in name only is not a marriage.
---grace3869 on 10/17/06

Did your husband want to stay married? Asked him to counsel? You seek godly counsel before divorce? Our life's purpose is bringing glory to God. Forgiving your husband & allowing God to restore your marriage would have brought God glory. Witness of your restored marriage & verbal testimony of God's restoration could have helped another marriage in trouble. Commitment must be without a LOOPHOLE. Divorce is a big one. The world is pleased having divorce. Many have that mindset even before they marry.
---Linda on 10/17/06

#2 Now that divorce is final, seek godly counsel helping you understand yourself & your needs and your children's needs. Your relationship with their father has changed too. God loves His children, He is the One to focus on..not the "world". You can't get truth from the world..just opinions that are twisted by an unsaved person's viewpoint, morals, etc. God will honor your honest humble desire to go forth a with life bringing Him glory. He does bring beauty from ashes.
---Linda on 10/17/06

there's no way it comes without consequense.
God is not pleased with divorce.

forgiven yes, Donna, but does that mean that God will not discipline his children, does that disable the laws of cause and effect?

The question was how will God look at this, and I think I answered that.

The teachings of Christ never encouraged divorce, but divorce has many ripples in life and from these sin can abound.
---Pharisee on 10/17/06

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Donna I'm from a broken home, and you can't tell me that the consequense for divorce is cut and dried neat and tidy for children.

They don't always so much agree that Daddy can't be forgiven, and we should be asking God for a way, not making our own as the adulterer did.

Forgiveness is not license, and it's not cheap.
---Pharisee on 10/17/06

Being "unhappy" in a marriage is NOT biblical grounds for divorse.
---Crystal on 10/17/06

Pharisee, There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus has set you and me and us free from the law of sin and death. God forgives you because you divorced for the very reason Jesus said you can divorce, adultery. God looks at your heart, man looks at the outer appearance and judges by that. God forgives and His mercies are new every morning.
---Donna9759 on 10/17/06

God wants people to be happy. If you wern't happy in your marriage and it would be a hard thing to get over and learn to trust him again. According to the bible, you were in the right to divorce him.
---Rebecca_D on 10/17/06

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I actually DISAGREE with the Moderator and with some of the others here. Adultry IS biblical grounds for divorce. God gives the offended party the OPTION at this point. Ideally, it would be wonderful if you could forgive your husband and reconcile, BUT if you chose divorce, do not be condemned by Christians who try to heap guilt on your head. God's Word is the guide here.
---Crystal on 10/17/06

What you have done is done and you cannot undo it. Now you must decide what you are going to do.
You will be treated different by some and praised by others. Find out what the Bible says and live by the Word of God.
Realize this, you cannot remarry this man even though you can remarry if what you said is true.
---Elder on 10/17/06

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