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Another Humor Blogf

Moderator, Please may we have another Humor Blog? We should all be serious about Jesus and our salvation, but God also gave us a sense of humor. Humor can break through the barriers that keep us apart. So how about another Humor blog? GB

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Before knew much about cooking, I had this experience with Jello: I forgot to add the cold water. That's not the funny part. After it turned solid, I thought it was awefully flat but I I had the idea that it needed to rise. Hehe...believe me I know better now
---Kella3336 on 10/31/07

I have a couple of friends(married) who went on a cruise. They overheard someone ask a waiter if the workers stayed on board at night. Okay....maybe they all went home at night...there are life boats haha
---Kella3336 on 10/31/07

Hewwww dogeeeee! My hat need's an oil change.
Somebody complained about my cookin for my annual NASCAR party. I said: "Them there tire bisquits are supposed to be rubbery." That's what makes em last so long.
Some folks just don't appreciate exotic. cuisine.
---Olie on 10/30/07

Everybody go to the new Humor Blog please!
See ya' there...
---NVBarbara on 3/18/07

If your holy water doesn't seem to be working, you just might be a Catholic.
---average_catholic_guy on 3/17/07

If they tell you, you have 600,000,000,000 years left before you can be released from Purgatoy, you might be a Catholic.
---average_catholic_guy on 3/16/07

Steve, Ya might be a drunk redneck if ya can't stop crying 'cause you can't see the toliet paper on the table.
One redneck drank until he went blind. It lasted until the sun came up.
One thought he'd went lame cause he tried to walk home with one foot up on the curb.
---Elder on 3/15/07

I was typing an assessment for a client in the drug/alcohol rehab where I used to work. The dictation said, "The client relapsed on vodka." I typed, "The client relaxed on vodka."
---Susie on 3/15/07

You might be a redneck if;
You keep a roll of toilet paper on the coffee-table until you can get more kleenex from the local country store.
---NV_Steve on 3/14/07

Hi kid's, sorry we havn't got back to you lately. We went on a road trip. On our fourth night, somewhere in the great State of Ca, me and my bride Deb, stopped at a hotel and was getting reddy to turn in. I was helping momma ( Deb) she's 58, I'm 64, out of her girdle. 'All I DID WAS' pull this draw string and all of a sudden that girdle broke loose like an infaltable raft at the first day of fishing! I got flung accross the room and woke up with a nurse over me 2 days later. What's troubling you Bunky?
---squeek on 3/12/07

What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? Flood lights...
---NV_Steve on 3/11/07

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
---NV_Steve on 3/10/07

I was babysitting a little 3 year old boy. He was in the backyard playing with our 10 week old puppies. I called him in to eat lunch and he came in the door and said "I have to go wash my paws!"
---ljt on 3/9/07

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, this guy gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it"!
---NVBarbara on 3/9/07

A man was at a wedding, and was talking to a shrink there about his uncle. He said "Doc, I need some advice, my uncle thinks he's a cow."
Doc says,"Why dont you bring him into my office on monday and I'll try to help him, get rid of these feelings."
Man says, " Doc, I can't do that, we need the milk."
---John on 3/9/07

A man went to the doctors and says dr. i keep thinking i am a moth.
Dr. says you came to the wrong place, go see a vet.
The man says thats where i was going but i saw your light was on.
---NV_Steve on 3/8/07

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Anger Management.
Casual conversation betwen husband & wife.
Husband:How come when I get mad at you never fight back How do you control your anger?
Wife:I clean the toilet bowl
Husband: Really -How does that help?
Wife : I use your Tooth brush!!!
---Emcee on 3/7/07

I went to a really posh restaurant and the doorman said "Sorry sir I can't let you in,you must wear a tie" I said "I don't have one,but I'll look and see what I can find" All I could find was a set of battery cables, so I said "Can I wear these?" He said "OK but don't start anything!"
---1st_cliff on 3/7/07

When my children were toddler age I screamed to my little boy and said Oh, No, the house is upside down!!!!he called his little sister and said sissie, pointing to the floor he exclaimed!!!!YOU SEE THE FLOOR!!!THATS NOT THE FLOOR....IT'S THE CEILING!!!!
---Cynthia_1 on 3/6/07

My wife treats me like a Greek god.....burnt offerings. Right after the smoke detector goes off I hear "supper's ready" Then I have to say..umm....ah...well....what exactly is it?
---1st_cliff on 3/5/07

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The other night in church, a lady testified and said her granddaughter Kala came in and saw a big spider on the window. She screamed, Mamaw, there is a pider me, taired of pider's. Kala got on the phone and said, "Jesus, Jesus there is a pider and me taired of piders". Linda (Mamaw) heard on the other line a man quoting a scripture about scorpions and other things couldn't harm you. Linda said that spider fell dead right there off of the window. Kala didn't call mommy, but she called on Jesus.
---Rebecca_D on 3/5/07

How come the "Opening day special" at the Rural Cafe was..leftovers?
---1st_cliff on 3/3/07

Because there was a Pre Opening Day Dinner.
Nothing was eaten because there was too much light on and a lot of the menu items crawled away.
---Elder on 3/5/07

Dyslexic protester in front of a church..."There is no Dog"
---1st_cliff on 3/5/07

Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?? (groan)
---NVBarbara on 3/5/07

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Cliff, I never heard the one you posted...but I did read it.
---NV_Steve on 3/5/07

I like an escalator, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."
---NVBarbara on 3/5/07

I don't believe in lexdysea?
---John on 3/4/07

Steve; Never heard that one,but I understand that 10 out of every 2 have some form of dyslexia
---1st_cliff on 3/4/07

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"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."

Billy Connelly
---NVBarbara on 3/3/07

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslectic? He was always afraid he was following someone.
---NV_Steve on 3/3/07

How come the "Opening day special" at the Rural Cafe was..leftovers?
---1st_cliff on 3/3/07

A drunk was staggering accross a busy street when he was hit with a car.He had a bottle of hooch in his pocket. As he lay on the road he felt something leaking thru his coat. "Oh no,I hope it's blood " he says!
---1st_cliff on 3/3/07

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Two drunks drinking at a bar when one falls off the stool onto the floor. "that's what I like to see" says his friend "A guy who knows when he's had enough".
---1st_cliff on 3/3/07

... .....Ha!
---John on 3/2/07

Holmes and Dr.Watson went camping. They pitch their tent and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson:"Watson,look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

He says,"I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."
---NVBarbara on 3/2/07

Phil the Elder; That's like the guy who walked in to the post office,bought stamps, then put them on his forehead....just wanted to "express"himself!
---1st_cliff on 3/2/07

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Yea, Steve, well I worked out to get me one of those 6 pack abs and all I ever got was a keg.
---Elder on 3/1/07

Im not into working out. My philosophy is, No pain, no pain!
---NV_Steve on 3/1/07

Bob and Frank were talking about their respective hobbies, Bob collected Coins and Frank stamps. Bob said " I really don't like religious holiday stamps." Frank says " How Come?" Bob Says "They look so beautiful I use them on cards and letters, then to the Post Office where they are cancelled and delivered." Frank says, "So What".

Then I read a headline in the National Inquirer "US Government Cancels Christmas and Easter"
---Phil_the_Elder on 3/1/07

HA HA Cliff,Good one!
I agree John, I've been out of the RCC for nearly 30 years, but I have a heart for the nuns who work so hard. I pray for the cloistered ones who spend all their lives in prayer for others. GBY bro.
---NVBarbara on 3/1/07

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A Nun working at the hospital was driving home when she ran out of gas a block from the service station.Walking there she was told"no gas cans available" .Back to the car and finds a bedpan,returns and fills it. As she was pouring it in the tank,from the bedpan.Two guys across the street see this ,one says "if that car starts,I'm turning Catholic"
---1st_cliff on 3/1/07

We were no angels either Danny! I had a 5th grade teacher (a Nun) who seemed to be about 100 years old. She would always doze off in the afternoon when the class was supposed to be reading. The WHOLE class knew the routine, as soon as she would fall asleep we would ALL drop one of our books on the floor. She would jump about a foot off her chair! The poor dear, I'm glad we didn't give her a heart attack!
---NVBarbara on 3/1/07

Barbara, Being a Catholic at one time, I can relate to that. One time I hit the principle in the head with a snow ball, and I was called into her office. Didn't get in trouble though. Thank God. The nuns thought that they were keeping us in line, but in reality, we were running them pretty good. I may not be a Catholic anymore, but I know they were serving the Lord in their own way. I would like to donate to the Sisters of Charity retirement fund.
---John on 3/1/07

Whats black and white and black and white and black and white.....? A nun rolling down a hill...we got in more trouble telling jokes like that in Catholic school!
---NVBarbara on 3/1/07

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Barbara, I don't know about that, some of our parishioners claim the statues talked to them. If they are, then why can't they get a good stock tip. I have seen the alter boys drinking the priest wine. I must confess that I did it with them and 2 other kids when we went to Parochial school. Did you know they used Manaschevitz wine? True. We sure gave those poor nuns a hard time. I'll never forget the time we through cherry bombs in school. We were no angels, I must admit. Hey Jack, Woo Hoo!!
---danny on 2/28/07

A friend of mine told me a true story. When he was just a little guy (about 60 years ago) his grandma called and asked to talk to his dad and the little guy said "he's in the shower" so grandma said "well, then let me speak to your mother" and he said "she's in the shower too." When his mother found out what he had said she spanked him. It took him a few years to understand why. LOL :-) Of course these days we would just laugh about such things.
---marylou on 2/28/07

What is black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed nun.
---John on 2/28/07

Some of you may have heard this, but this is worth repeating. A woman was preaching (this is true) and she was saying, "I've been walking with the Lord for 20 years now."

The Holy Spirit interrupted her and said, "Excuse me? you've been walking with me 5 years, I had to drag you the other 15."
LOL That is so cute and I think you've all heard that before, but worth repeating.
---donna6598 on 2/28/07

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That's a hoot Danny! Be careful who's behind that screen in the confessional! When I was in high school the boys would sneak into where the priest would normally be and play tricks on us other kids!
Keep in mind that if you're 'talking' to 'someone' and they don't talk back--most likely its a statue!
---NVBarbara on 2/28/07

** We got so many idols at our Catholic church, you have to be careful who or what your talking to, especially when it's dark.**

I'll bet you think you're witty Danny, and you know, you could be half-right.
---Jack on 2/28/07

We got so many idols at our Catholic church, you have to be careful who or what your talking to, especially when it's dark.
---danny on 2/28/07

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. (You know who you are!)
---NVBarbara on 2/27/07

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What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A walkie-talkie!
---NV_Steve on 2/27/07

An ad in a newspaper reads; "Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor Dog...."
---NV_Steve on 2/26/07

LOL. I've had a couple litters of those.

Being Catholic my dog can't be on put on artificial birth control or be fixed.
---augusta on 2/27/07

An ad in a newspaper reads; "Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor Dog...."
---NV_Steve on 2/26/07

For a show and tell the teacher instructed the children to bring an object that represented their religion.
One lad said,"I am Jewish and this is a star of David."
Another said,"I'm a Catholic and this is a rosary".
The next said I am a Methodist and this is a casserole".
---Virginia on 2/26/07

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Joe's will provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last
guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest
friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned
in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
---NVBarbara on 2/26/07

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $ 500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500. The rest went for the
memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is
"Two and a half carats."
---NVBarbara on 2/26/07

Joe's will provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last
guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest
friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned
in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
---NVBarbara on 2/26/07

The Scottish Lad, part 1: One day a Scottish lad moves out of his parents' home and into some flats some miles away. He has been rather shelted all his life. One day, a couple of weeks after he moved, his mother calls and asks him how it's going:
---Mary on 2/26/07

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Scottish lad part 2: The lad said everything was going good, except for strange neighbors. "On the one side of me, I have a man who bangs his head on the wall all day; on the other side, a woman who moans and cries all day!"; Avoid them, his mother warned. "I do" he replied. "I pretty much just stay in and play my bagpipes all day"! :D
---Mary on 2/26/07

Our unreliable, lazy mailman threatened to quit. He said he was tired of holding the bag.
---John on 2/26/07

The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.
---NV_Steve on 2/24/07

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
---NV_Steve on 2/23/07

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Man I hate not having coffee in the house.
I love coffee. I have to write this fast so I can go buy some more coffee. I like it so much: I can type 60 words per minute with my feet.
I have a picture of my coffee mug on my coffee mug.
I haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
My eyes even stay open when I sneeze.

later, Going on a coffee run.
---John on 2/22/07

My sister, She's another one. There's only one thing wrong with her face, it shows.

My sister, she's like a saint, a Saint Bernard.

She has to be the worst cook, In my house, we pray after we eat.

When she was born the doctor slapped her mother, and she slapped her.

My wife, another adventure. She's so suspecious, she looked at my calendar, and wanted to know who JUNE was

She's stupid too, It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
---Rodney on 2/21/07

If You're cross-eyed and dyslexic,can you see perfectly? If a man with no arms has a gun,is he armed? Atheism is a "non prophet" organization! If man evolved from apes, how come there are still apes? Is it true that canibals wont eat clowns because they taste funny?
---1st_cliff on 2/21/07

If you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer don't worry, remember half the world is below average!
---1st_cliff on 2/21/07

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When my son Bob was about 3, and with a very advanced vocabulary--one day he said "Mom what is a 'sino'? I didn't have a clue what he meant. He kept saying, you know Mom, a 'sino'--me, still puzzled! Finally in his frustration he said, you know Mom like we sing in church, "Jesus loves me the sino!"
Funny kid!
---NVBarbara on 2/21/07

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
---NV_Steve on 2/21/07

my son builds tall buildings out of his Lego's. He was still 7 when I overheard this conversation between him and his 5yr old sister.Josh pointing to his creation asked-Abbie,do you know what building this is?Abbie answers-yes, its the Vampire State Building!
---chestnut_burr on 2/21/07

I looked up my family tree and found out, I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dog's using it.

I went to see a freak show, so they offered me a job.

I was so depressed that I tried to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark....."

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

I went to a Hotel, they stole my towel.
---Rodney on 2/20/07

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Heard my grandson singing "Do Lord" the other day. Instead of singing, "Do Lord, Oh, Do Lord, Oh, Do remember me" he was singing, "Do Lord, Oh, Do Lord, Do You Remember Me?"
---Susie on 2/20/07

Olie, you made us laugh!!!!!
---squeek_and_debbie on 2/20/07

I child proofed by house, but they still get back in.
---John on 2/20/07

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