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We Want To Leave Church

The Pastor at my church is very critical and unorganized. This is affecting us very deeply. My husband and I are involved in the kid's ministry and music ministry, which makes it hard to leave. We want to leave. How can we tell our pastor that we are leaving without being offensive, critical or lying?

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 ---carola on 4/23/07
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Friend, if you two leave, just think of all those students you are going to
Leave behind to retrain again with anew teacher.'satan will be laughing all the way home if you let him takeover. Don't ever allow satan an inch. Help all you can those kids and immerse them in Gods Work. Praise God for people like yous amen
---Jasper on 9/27/14

There is a difference between 'very critical' and 'unorganized'.

Critical is a 'vice' while disorganized simply means the person cannot arrange the church - not that this is good, of course, but it is not a moral problem.

The critical is the big problem.

The main question is whether to bring it up directly with the pastor and tell him the problem, or to quietly leave without explaining the reason
---Peter on 6/8/14

As this question was asked almost 7 years ago my guess is that this particular couple have already taken whatever steps were necessary.

However, just in case anyone else using these blogs is in a similar position I'd suggest you find a new church first (visiting others now and again as God leads you) and when you know which one is right for you just tell the pastor of your present one that you have just attended your last service in his church. If he's interested in reasons he'll ask for them but if he doesn't you'll know that he is not interested in keeping you anyway.

Whatever you do or say DO NOT LIE. There is no reason for you to do that.
---Rita_H on 2/21/14

I'm sorry people are making it seem like there isn't a real problem here. I believe you. And sometimes... it IS about the problem.
Pray about the problem and do what you can to cope. But if it's unrealistic and abuse to take... either take the proper steps to bring the problem to the open, or leave without attempting to 'fix' anything. Both choices are alright, for sure.
But I believe you... sometimes, it IS the pastor...
---VE_Flanders on 2/21/14

If the decision to leave this church, is that difficult for you, this may be where God wants you to be.You could talk it over with the pastor and let him know your displeasure.This is kind of risky. But could help. Or learn to tune him out when he becomes critical. Being disorganized is something he will have to work out. Pray really hard about this situation, sit back and wait for God to work it out. Prayer works. We cannot change others but we can work on ourselves. We must learn to exercise more love and tolerance toward others,too. When we do, we will begin to see the changes we want,come about. Change always starts with the man in the mirror.
---Robyn on 10/18/11

"Just do it"
---Gina on 3/12/11

May be you church needs change Pastors and not membership.

If you are a member of a connectional church there is already a process to deal with that kind of problem.

If you attend a non-connectional church, you are all idiots and deserve each other.
---Blogger9211 on 12/2/10

If your ministry is ordained of God fulfill it. If it is how you you and your husband feel you are serving the Lord with having been "given a charge" for it let them get someone else.
Whichever way you decide pray about it and allow the Holy Ghost to lead you where the Lord wants you and not just where you want to go.
The children of Israel were always commanded where and when and how to worship just as Paul and others were led in the new testament even being forbidden of the Holy Ghost to go into some places.
---Frank on 12/1/10

Get out while you have you still have your sanity. Don't let the church drain you that's not the way God intended for it to be.. He want's his people to be happy..
---Joshua on 11/29/10

You could tell the pastor it is time that he find someone else to take the kids & music ministry as you really need a change. Then after those positions are filled, simply quit going to that church after you find a more suitable one.

The problem we all have is we get stuck in some ministry then after a few years yearn for something new. It becomes like driving the same old car for years and years when everyone has a new one.
---Lee1538 on 9/27/09

Just tell the truth and let things happen naturally. As someone on the blog has said,it is not about this pastor. Ministry is about doing the work of Jesus. Kingdom work. If you/spouse took this ministry on to please the pastor, you should have stepped down a long time ago.
If you let the pastor know you and your spouse are leaving the church, that will automatically terminate the ministry position(s). That's killing two birds with one stone. Simple.
Sometimes it is wiser to leave some things unsaid.
---Robyn on 9/11/09

I don't know what is happening. Pray deeply, and ask God. The message of those elect God is calling them to leave thier own chuch. Church became Satan's Seat 2 Tes 2:2-4. Satan now transformed as an angel of light 2 Cor 11:13-15 Remember no denomination, pastor, can save anyone. Any thing we do inside the church is considered work and no salvation credits. Salvation can no longer found inside churches today. Salvation can be found outside.
---rosalie on 7/26/09

For starts pray and go in pure Love for we all are different and as brothers and sisters in Jesus he loved us more than we can understand. The bible teaches to work with each other. Your pastor makes misteaks. Tell him your feelings are hurt as well as your teaching and worship. We are a body and have to move together. This world wants us to be at harms way within ourself. Satan doesn't have to work hard in this manner. Remember Christ Jesus lay down his life for all we are the children of God all.So pray for him the Holy Spirit will turn his ways. I will be praying as well. Lord keep your loving arms around this family and pastor along with the whole church family rain the Holy Ghost down with great power of compassion and peace. Amen
---Tom on 7/20/09

Honesty is a good place to start.
This sounds like fear.
The joy of the Lord is your strength.
Set up a meeting, face to face, no written letters.
It's affecting you very deeply.. the cowardly way out is no good.
Have some integrity, eat a dirt sandwich and tell the truth. Shake the dust off of your feet and move on.
---Raine on 6/11/08

Hey guys,

Ask God.

LOve Katie. xoxoxo
---katie on 8/11/07

It sounds as if perhaps you took on too much responsibility since you admit that you are new Christians. Sometimes a pastor wants to get people involved in the church by letting them be in charge of something, but misjudges their readiness. The world will not end if you leave. People quit things all the time so just tell the pastor that you need to make a change. The lives of the children and everybody else will go on. Everyone is expendable and can be replaced.
---ralph7477 on 5/2/07

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I think the best thing to do is pray first. See if it is a real problem or if you are just being critical and judgemental. If you think it is a real concern then talk to the pastor about it. it may just be a misunderstanding. if He is not willing to listen then go to the elders, if they are unwilling to listen then gracefully leave the church.
---Jared on 5/1/07

As a pastor i have had these types of things come before me. I have tired to address them and to be honest I think they are unfounded. For the good of the church community I am going to step down from this position and move to a new area, because it isn't about the pastor it is about Jesus Christ.
---Jared on 5/1/07

I would approach the Pastor and explain your grievances and try to get him to change his attitude and be more responsible.

Your leaving will have a negative effect on the children under your care.

I would first have a talk with him or perhaps gather the support of others to try to get him to straighten himself out.
---Caring on 5/1/07

Yes, I know of a person and his wife who are in your shoes exactly over here, and they do not know how to say goodbye, also, it is a heavy burden on them, however, you will die spiritually if you yourselves do not go where you get your ''soul food'' You must be honest with them, tell them just what is on your heart. I can tell you, it hurts a Pastor more when people leave without ever saying why.
---Cynthia_1 on 4/29/07

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Carola...Sometimes we are so organized ourselves that we have a hard time understanding people who are not. Part of being in the body of Christ is that we accept the shortcomings of others. What you might see as critical and unorganized may just be that the pastor is not like you think he should be. Pray about this.
---Susie6997 on 4/24/07

I started visiting a church, became a member. After a year, I realized it was a shepherding type of church. It was unhealthy. I had to leave. I made an appt., told the pastor and his wife, it was sad and heartbreaking. I did not stand in front of the church or go to other members. They ended up moving to another state, the church fell apart. God will take care of it, but don't be afraid. You've said you are miserable, I was too. I was there every time the door opened, in the end, I had to go.
---Joyce on 4/24/07

If you have a problem with your Pastor, how will he know if you don't go to him and talk to him? He won't know. I imagine it is hard work for one to be a (good) Pastor. They go through with more problems in more situations (spiritualy, mentally) than anyone I know. They don't just carry their burdens on their shoulders, but their sheep as well. Talk to him, his shoulders are broader than you think. God made them that way to carry large burdens.
---Rebecca_D on 4/24/07

Taking complaints to others in the congregation is the type of move that can destroy a church and a pastor. It can really get out of hand.
"It's affecting you very deeply". It's not good for you or the pastor to stay under those conditions, unbearable. Be honest, tell the truth in love. You don't need to unload all the dirt.
---Raine on 4/24/07

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It's better to say too little than too much (thereby eating a dirt sandwich, it may feel like you have some gravel stuck in your teeth when you leave). You don't need to share the nitty gritty with the rest of the church. This could be a personality clash.
---Raine on 4/24/07

carola, Ask yourself, If I were the pastor how would I want carola and her husband to come to me and let me know they are unhappy with me and with their treatment, and how would I want them to approach me and let me know that they are leaving. The golden rule is best, "Do and say to others exactly what you want done and said to you." Depending on the circumstances, you may or may not allow the pastor time to either meet your needs or else to find replacements.
---Eloy on 4/24/07

I dont want to further critizise the pastor.We have diferent family values. we are not becoming spiritually fit through this church.As new christians,we need as much as we can get,we're hungry.I do have a calling to work with the kids,but I am not a ready, solid example for them.So if my church is not provinding what it offered when we started going,then it's actually an obstacle between us and our growing relationship with God.My main concern is leaving responsibly.What is the best way to do that?
---carola on 4/24/07

I would simply tell him you feel the Holy Spirit is leading you in another direction. It's the truth and he won't feel attacked personally. Ask him how much notice he would like before you leave your ministries.
---DoryLory on 4/24/07

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If this pastor has never been approached, about the problems that you perceive, then he has not had the opportunity to put anything right. Ask for God's guidance in this. It would seem only fair to tell your pastor what you feel is wrong and give him a little time. He might want to call a members meeting to ask others for their views about his ministry. I'd suggest you try this approach first and take it from there.
---m.p.a. on 4/24/07

I suggest you both sit down and pray about this long and hard. Once you have prayed, decide what is best for your family's spiritual needs in the matter. I have left several churches in my lifetime, all for different reasons. I can understand the need to step down from ministry positions, as when we left one church, my husband was the Sunday School Superintendent and I was a Sunday School teacher. Pray, and listen to the Holy Spirit on this matter. Obey God's direction and you will not go wrong.
---Madison1101 on 4/24/07

Galatians 6:1 Brethren,if any man be overtaken in a fault,ye which are spiritual,restore such an one in the spirit of meeknes: considering thyself lest thou also be tempted. Take the head deacon and one other trusted nonboard member of the church with you and talk to the Pastor. He may not realize he is critical and he may not be a person capable of being organized. Lay your views on the line honestly,but they must line up with the Bible. It is better to restore him than destroy your ministry.
---Darlene_1 on 4/24/07

Pease pray for your pastor before doing anyting as drastic as leaving. Talk to the Lord about it and He will direct your path. You should stay focused on the kids ministry,in the mean time and draw closer to God. In the end our pastors are not the center of our universe. Jesus is. Keep your eyes on the Lord. God will bring a change to your curch, in due time. Blessings to you and bless you for the work you do for those beautiful kids.
---Marilyn on 4/23/07

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Unfortunately there are a lot of ministers whom are full of themselves and expect the sheep to minister to them, when in truth Christ taught us the opposite, that the ministers are supposed to be washing the sheeps feet. If he is misjudging you, tell him he needs to repent, and if he refuses then tell him you will take your service and gifts to another church which is more appreciative.
---Eloy on 4/23/07

I have noticed that the way our pastor is, critical & unorganized, is contagious throughout our congregation. I've battled this discomfort for some time, but it's become draining and I'm starving spiritually. My worry is leaving the kids. I'm the kid's ministry coordinator. What is the proper way to step down?
---carola on 4/23/07

Are you there for the pastor or are you there for Christ. It sounds like this pastor needs more like you, not less. He may have limitations but your church community should be able to compensate for that.

If you leave this one, you will find excuses come easier for other situations that are less than ideal.
---lorra8574 on 4/23/07

Tell your pastor the truth and give it a couple of months. During that time he may change a few things and you can all find some replacements for your ministries. It's not edifying at all to the church if people with responsibilities leave quickly. Who knows, he may change and so might you and you could all work it out.
---john on 4/23/07

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Carola...You need to tell us exactly how this pastor is being critical. If he is preaching against sin, some might consider that criticism. But, it is truth. Is he trying to make the music more contemporary and update things? That would be a problem for some who don't like change. There are all kinds of scenarios that could exist when you say he is critical.
---Susie on 4/23/07

#1 **The Pastor at my church is very critical and unorganized. **

Has this been brought to his attention? Has anyone offered their help? Are we not servents to each other and when we see another is in need are we not supposed to aid them?
---Ryan_Z on 4/23/07

#2 **This is affecting us very deeply.**

Why are you so important? Isn't the life of the Christian to take the focus off of self and sacrafice the flesh daily by picking up our cross?
---Ryan_Z on 4/23/07

#3 **My husband and I are involved in the kid's ministry and music ministry...**

And you would be willing to put your wants and desires ahead of the little ones that have been entrusted to you?
---Ryan_Z on 4/23/07

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#4 Go to your pastor, in love, and alert him to your concerns. If he refuses your help go to fellow brothers and sisters within your congregation that have the same concerns and approach your pastor, in love, as group. If he still refuses go to the elders of your congregation, in love, with your concerns. If there is still no change then you are free to leave, knowing that you have done everything by the word of God and in love.
---Ryan_Z on 4/23/07

Donna, wishy-washy, slip slidin' around.
Let your yes be yes and your no be no.
---Robin on 4/23/07

Be honest with him. If you can't be honest with this man, then how do you expect to be honest with God? A good Pastor should be willing to listen and to resort any problems that is within the church. A good Pastor must have broad shoulders, to take some critizing. Pray before you talk to him. Ask God if the problem lies within the Pastor then show you, or if the problems lies within you and your spouse, then God will show you. Once you know where the problem lies, go from there.
---Rebecca_D on 4/23/07

Let me paraphrase your words, Carola, and see if I understand you correctly.

You want to abandon the music ministry and children's ministry to the mercy of a man you have determined to be "very critical and disorganized."

And if you judge a person as being "very critical," what does that make you? Tolerant and broadminded?
---Jack on 4/23/07

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Tell the pastor exactly what you have posted on this blog. If the pastor is as you say he is, he will likely tell you that you will not have any blessings or that God will punish you if you leave this church. Is this pastor appointed for life or is it a church that the pastor started? If not, has the church considered finding another pastor?
---Susie on 4/23/07

I truly believe that for you and the pastor that honesty is the best solution.
---Annie on 4/23/07

Find a new church first then go to him and tell him "We found a church we would like to try." That way, it doesn't sound so definite that you're leaving. And you're not lying because when you search for a new church, you won't know if you like it until you try it, right? Sound okay?
---SeekerofHim on 4/23/07

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