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Cheated On My Wife

I cheated on my wife 6 months ago. I told her everything and through counseling things are getting better. The guilt for the pain I caused in the other woman's marriage has been unbelieveable, so I finally emailed her and apologized. Should I tell my wife about the email?

Moderator - You should have never contacted the other woman again; ie the email was out of line.

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 ---Scott on 5/11/07
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I am a fellow idiot and my wife just moved out years after forgiving me. I have not had any affairs since. I dropped the ball when we stopped going to church and I pushed God out of my life. With God out of my life I did not treat my wife with the love and respect she so deserved. The reason you are worried about the email is that "YOU KNOW IT WAS WRONG!!!" With love, respect and God you have to admit to your mistake to your wife. Get some Christian counselling and LOVE your wife as Jesus Loves the Church. Thats the key to unlock both of your souls. Your in my prayers.
---Tommy on 9/11/08

I cheated on my wife 6 years before we got married and she just found out. Our son was 3 at the time. Now everyone is hurting, and the guilt, coupled with the fear of losing the two of them is killing me. We are seeking counseling apart at this time, and I am hoping we will get counseling together sometime soon. I feel your pain, though I was not brave enough to tell my wife what I did before we got married, i.e. she found out on her own. If only I could go back.
---Adam on 2/14/08

DO tell your wife about the e-mail. I found out my husband had an affair with a woman for years. I told him to never lie to me again and if that woman ever contacted him in any way to tell me immediately. He agreed to do so. She e-mailed him several times and he answered her. He did not tell me. When I found out, he said he wasn't doing anything wrong. The thing to do after an affair is NEVER EVER get in touch with your lover again, for any reason. And, NEVER EVER lie to your spouse again.
---Linda on 9/20/07

As a wife in the same situation as your wife... you need to tell her about the email. If you really value your marriage and your relationship with your wife you need to be transparent with her. She can and will learn to forgive you as she heals but you also need to be forthcoming enough to warrant the forgiveness for yourself.
---Sherry on 9/11/07

Do not tell your wife about the email. You apologized, although I am unsure were both at fault. Go before GOd on your knees and love and protect and serve your wife as unto the Lord.
I was going to get a divorce. All of a sudden I have decided not to, but my husband is living with his girlfriend, and yes he is saved.This is tremendous pain!! I have chosen to forgive him, but I want to please God and only Him. Whatever happens God is still number one. Do the same for your marriage!
---Kristina on 6/30/07

That is 100% your choice what you do with your life, and whether you want to be "one flesh" with your wife, or not. Just know that all sin has serious consequences as you are already finding out. The wages of sin is death, there's no two ways about it. You do it God's way, or you die, the choice is for you to make which life you want to lead. I will give you the Golden Rule: "Do and say to others, exactly what you want others to do and say to you".
---Eloy on 6/30/07

Are you serious? The guilt you feel over ruining HER marriage? What about yours?
Do NOT tell your wife you emailed her and then never contact her again.
Do you love your wife?
---dianne on 6/29/07

I think that you should indeed tell your wife. God would not want you to lie to your wife or keep this from her. If you are focusing on a Godly relationship with your wife, i think you should tell her. God Bless you as you do this.
---Alyson on 6/27/07

Please don't hide anything from your wife again. My husband cheated on me too - he is still not completely open with me and I cannot trust him. In order for her to trust you again, you must be honest with her and never hide anything. And don't EVER get into contact with your ex-lover again. NEVER
---Sarah on 6/18/07

We are supose to ask for forgiveness of those we wronged. If you are a christian then you know that Gods word tells us this.If you ask for this womans forgiveness then maybe she can also work through her marriage. I feel that if you are trying to work things out then yes BE HONEST with your wife. No loose ends my friend.
---deb on 6/8/07

Scott, I think that you should actually show your wife the email if you still have it, and explain the mindset that caused you to send it. It is a good sign that you realized the damage you did not only to your own marriage but to the marriage of the other woman (she is at fault too). Now stay away from the other woman, permanently.

Billy Graham once said that the best way not to be caught in a compromising position is to never put yourself in one.
---lorra8574 on 5/21/07

Careful now, Observer. A mistake people make is not knowing how to boldly receive grace or mercy & get rid of guilt instead of trying to make up for something they did. Scott should boldly receive grace, from God & His wife. He can't and SHOULD NOT try to make up for his act. The more he lowers his demand for love & respect from his wife because he tells himself he should tolerate mistreatment since he did wrong, the more likely this marriage will fail in the long run, and healing never come.
---Okebaram on 5/15/07

The difference between male and female views is amazing. Each woman condemns that apology contact, men see it as cathartic--for you.

Both are correct, but from now on, you have MUCH to do to reinstate the trust you broke; it may take several years.

Yes, show your wife the email, and explain why, and ask her for her input; it is the only one that matters. THEN LISTEN, DOING WHATEVER SHE SAYS, AND SHUT UP!

You MUST make every attempt to maintain the marriage, secrecy breaks marriage.
---Observer on 5/15/07

I'm sorry, Scott, but I think you need a little more scolding. Don't you know the dangers of adultery? You commited adultery with a woman who was already married. That's a shame and a reproach to Christ! But God is merciful, thank God. Don't worry about the past if you are sincere. If you got counselling from a professional counsellor but haven't gotten counselling from your pastor. You need to make arrangements to see him and get spiritual counselling.
---Okebaram on 5/14/07

#2That's a madate from me, not an option, which u will carry out if u love the Lord.If u cant confide in ur pastor,get someone closer from the church who can act as a spiritual mentor.The email: if u want to apologise,do so to her husband.Showing her personal sympathy will either lead to her feeling a connection to u again,or to her developing anger towards u for 'what u did'.Tell ur wife about the email,only during the spiritual counselling & it'll be perfectly fine.Best u dont tell her alone.God bless u
---Okebaram on 5/14/07

Scott, you have double reason to love your wife. You have a true Lady. Now, concentrate on loving her MUCH more than you ever did and make sure she'll be the only woman in your life.
---Caring on 5/14/07

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Dear Scott.
You are a lucky man to have such a forgiving wife. Count your blessings. Love your wife. Pray to God to bless your wife, and also the other family. Pray to God, brother, and ask for forgiveness and that He blesses you.
I don't know about the email.
I would focus on just loving your wife and praying to God for now - ask God how to proceed.
Lastly you If you have overriding physical urges then why not go and spend that energy by doing charity / community work.
---Ed on 5/14/07

Ephesians 5:11-12 Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather even reprove them. For the things which are done by them in secret, it is a shame even to speak of.
---exzucuh on 5/13/07

There was no need to put that in writing.
Your feelings for the other woman are still above the feelings you feel for your own wife. Then to rub your wife's face in it again, is as selfish as all get out.
Things are getting better. You're relieved your wife isn't dumping you so you can avoid living in a cardbox box under the bridge - or in the doghouse.
Did the 'other' woman dump you first?
I'm thinking she did, but you had better stop pining away for her.
No sympathy here, is there?
---Brad on 5/12/07

I agree with Rebecca. Dont tell your wife, just dont ever contact this other woman again. Why would you even want to apologize to her? She was at fault too. Did she apologize to you or your wife? Why dont you talk to your therapist about this? God bless you and I hope things get better.
---sue on 5/12/07

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Hi all. I am a wife whose husband has just revealed his recent adultury to, and I am in great pain. I pray for healing and correction. So with that, I will say this... to rebuild trust takes an inordinate amount of strength and it's a long bumpy road. Any attempt to make contact with your previous temptation and sin will only have you starting all over again, and it will be increasingly difficult to maintain that precious trust. Please see your wife as a gift to be treasured! =o) God bless you.
---Kat on 5/12/07

Why do people hurt the ones they love all the time through selfishness. Adultery is a sin that is so hard to repent of because it destroys trust so quickly. We are taught to avoid temptation, not revell in it. At least your wife is forgiving. Many people profess to be christian in name only, then enjoy all the evils satan has to offer. repentence means Never doing that sin again or it is not repentence. I hope you see that or you are inviting disaster into your home.
---ashley on 5/12/07

I believe that in a marriage you are to be honest about everything. If your motives were pure and you really wanted to make things right then you should explain that to your wife. Do not make her suspect anything or think otherwise. Keep it clean and honest. Seek God at all times for all answers and He will direct your path.
---chara7388 on 5/12/07

Apologies are often healing, at least helpful. Some aplogize too frequently and others not enough, or not at all. There's a time and place for an apology. Certain situations do not allow for an apology.
Our nations are engulfed, emeshed and buried in sexual fixation and impropriety.
---jhonny on 5/12/07

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If you were really sorry for damaging her family then why didn't you apologize to them? This was just another way of you staying in some contact with this lady. Now you're expecting a letter back right? Your guilt is good, it helps you not do this again. Consider it a blessing that you have it. I hope she has it too so she won't ever do it again either.
---john on 5/11/07

It might have been more prudent if you had not. I'm not questioning your motives; it's possible to do the wrong thing for the right reason.

Be very careful and circumspect in your actions henceforth.
---Jack on 5/11/07

Annie: how is he cheating on her again by sending an email to apologize to this woman?Scott you came to the wrong place. There are some here that will give you good advice. But there are alot that will judge you, even if you get forgiveness from God, and your wife.
---Rebecca_D on 5/11/07

Don't tell your wife anymore. If you are still contacting this woman, you are still having an affair. Stop now!!!!
---Susie on 5/11/07

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Do not have any contact with this woman again. Satan is using your guilt to put you in contact with her and tempt you again. Stay in the Word and steer clear of this woman.
---Madison1101 on 5/11/07

Sounds just like an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Did you tell you wife that you are cheating again?
---Annie on 5/11/07

You know it was wrong to have an affair. But you confessed and told your wife. which that was the right thing to do. It takes two to have an affair. She was much in the wrong just as you were. You weren't the only one who done damage in both marriages. She too did damage. I wouldn't have apoligized to her, maybe to her husband. Because she was at fault as well. No I would not tell your wife about the email. Just never contact te other woman again.
---Rebecca_D on 5/11/07

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