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She Wants A Divorce

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and the last 10 have been off and on the worst years of my life. Ever time we argue her 1st words are she wants a divorce and I don't. What should I do?

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 ---Kevin on 6/12/07
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My wife and I are going thru something like this. I love her with all my heart. I just didnt love her as God loved the Church. Cherish your wife. Love her with all your being. You will miss her when she's gone, I know I miss mine!
---Lance on 7/9/07

Threatening divorce is not from the Holy Spirit, so it is from Satan.

Her actions lack the fruit of the Spirit, so it is unlikely she is saved. You will need to ask God to change her heart & save her.

If you believe she is saved, then when arguing she is temporarily submitting to Satan & you will still need to seek God to strengthen you & to open her eyes as to whom she is really serving when she is arguing.
---a_servant on 6/22/07

Can you recall any of the scriptures on marriage or at least quote one equally for both wife/husband. Have you hidden the word in your heart? Are you daily seeking the lord in prayer/ fast at least once in the week? Do you lean on your own understanding, are you a biblical example to your family, do you love your wife as you do yourself the same care you take to look after your self,is it the same towards care your wife? well after doing so maybe there will be a dramatic change!
---Carla5754 on 6/19/07

I Corinthians 7:15: "But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace."
Matthew 18:17: "And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican."
I say that when love and faith is lost between souls, they do not
belong together anymore.
---Nana on 6/18/07

Notlaw: Encouraging disobedience to God is totally inappropriate. Read 1 Corinthians 7. It discusses what married couples are to do.

You deny the potential of the power of God in human relationships by encouraging divorce. That is why it is totally inapropriate.
---Madison1101 on 6/18/07

For Prodigal24 & Madison101, my recommendation my seem unscriptural to you both but it totally practical. The marriage is 20 years old the situation has been degrading for 10 years. There is an innate reluctance to change at hand where where counseling will have little positive effect. Under the circumstance the best alternative is separation or divorce; if they continue to stay together it will only result in a continued downward spiral of the marriage with probable degradation into physical hostility.
---notlaw99 on 6/18/07

Prodigal, your insights are from a human perspective. Anyone can make the judgments you're making of others based on what they've written. That is what you're doing and it's not prophetic. All Christians should have discernment, and you're discerning/analyzing based on what you're seeing before your eyes. I can do it too. So can many others. Letting others know what you think of their character flaws is not the gift of prophecy, au contraire.
---Toby on 6/18/07

Prodigal, I don't witness to 15/16 of your insight of others' personalities.
A narcissistic/bipolar personality will point out flaws in everyone else and elevate themselves to the pedestal.
If you do this in a church, you're causing damage to others and it's wrong.
You need medical attention.
---Toby on 6/18/07

Susie, '...speak only love, to build up, encourage, comfort'

We don't 'live' inside their home to 'know' the 'dynamics' of this relationship.

I do know it is a marriage, a convenant made before God, and with God all things are possible: reconciling the difference, with God inbetween, a three-fold chord which is uneasily broken.

You 'accusation' that it 'might' be Kevin, is made without fact of 'knowing'.

---Prodigal24 on 6/17/07

My 'comment' of 'perhaps Menopause is just one dynamic' was given as an insight from a woman' perspective, and although I am very bad at maths, if the marriage is 20yrs so far, his wife is at the edge of, if not in the middle of 'perimenopause'. Some women dont even know they are suffering from menopause symptoms. Men certainly are usually 'hopelessly lost' if uneducated about Menopause. When men see women 'emotional'
---Prodigal24 on 6/17/07

...they see this as 'how do I fix this'. When they dont understand the root cause, they havent a foggy where to begin to understand where to start 'helping'.

Saying 'it might be Kevin' is hearsay ...and that causes dissension. Women are complex creatures at the best of times - let us respect the men in this life, and 'say innocent before we declare guilty'
---Prodigal24 on 6/17/07

Kevin, seek counselling for yourself, to help you cope for the moments, to help you prevent adding fuel to the fire. When we change, others around us change...and even when we 'think' its not fair, the Lord would say, that we might be the one that needs to change first. Look for the solution in Him, and God will erase the problem in us. You BOTH need communication tools, though for now Kevin seek tools for you, so that your peace remains firm.
---Prodigal24 on 6/17/07

Prodigal....And your "preconceived" idea that the wife is in menopause is helpful??? My grandmother used to say in divorce there are three sides-----his side, her side, and the RIGHT side. I'm sorry if you don't like my answers. But, this is an open dialogue blog. You have no problem with accusing the wife of having the problem because she is in "menopause", but you can't keep an open mind that the husband might have the problem??
---Susie on 6/16/07

Susie, when two hearts are hurting - your 'preconceived idea' that it may be Kevin's problem is not helping anyone.

He came here for advice, I dont think his leaving with sarcasm and accusation from brothers and sisters in Christ was the hope he planned to hold.
---Prodigal24 on 6/15/07

"Is your wife in Menopause? "

So, if the wife is in menopause the arguing is all because of that? Menopause doesn't last ten years. It takes two people to argue. Kevin thinks the last ten years have been the worst years of his life. Maybe it is Kevin who has the problem!!!
---Susie on 6/15/07

Notlaw: bad advice, word curses.
Minniemouse & Lorra - excellent counsel.
Husband, you really do need serious counselling, godly wise counsel; arguing is the outward syptom of an inner unhealed area/unmet need/unresolved issues. Ever heard of Liberty Savard? I strongly recommend you visit her website, there are keys there for YOU.
---Prodigal24 on 6/15/07

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Is your wife in Menopause? If so, please google 'Christopher Bantick', this is an Australian author, and his expression of understanding is truely amazing, his tenderness toward his wife is just precious.
If your wife is not ready for counselling, you can still reach out to someone for counsel; as cliche as this sounds, woo her back with 'gentle answers' ...turning away wrath (arguments). 'Your' reaction will play a vital part in her moods. Her problem is underlying, its not your fault.
---Prodigal24 on 6/15/07

Tearing one another down in words, are not only word curses, the are the perfect tool for Satan to cause division and dissension. He hates marriages/family/love - you both need to grasp revelation about unsurrendered souls; if there are strongholds without repentance and healing, nothing progresses forward. I prayed for your family this morning. Blessings. Romans 5:5 - Hold on to this.
---Prodigal24 on 6/15/07

Go back to the foundation of your marriage, Love. My wife is going to divorce me. If I had one chance to be back with her this is what I would do all over again. I would pray with her everyday, I would make sure she knew that my love for her was unconditional, and I would show it. Hold your wife,love her with the deepest affection that you can express. Most of all serve her at all cost. Dont be like me! I miss her and my son so much. Do it now!
Don't be like me, my pillow is wet with tears of sorrow!
---Ron on 6/15/07

Bro. Kevin, thats so nice to know, that You are not wanting the Divorce. Thats the God thing, and I compliment you. But have both of you had a Personal Relation-ship with Jesus? Only He is our Problem solver.
I will pray for both of you.
---BRIAN._STAFFORD on 6/14/07

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Listen to Paul's advice on marriage in Corinthians. Your job is to love her as Christ loved the Church. It is not to make her submit to you. Try to remember why you fell in love with her in the first place. Think about how you felt about her in the beginning and ask God to help you to feel that way again. Try courting her again and resolve to think first before you argue on anything.

Believe it or not, your marriage can be saved, but you need to start with yourself.
---lorra8574 on 6/14/07

P2, what I have said has nothing to do with who is right or who is wrong. But I do know that we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves and then only within reason.

But I do know that how others respond to us has a lot to do with how we treat them and vice versa. Remember the Golden Rule that Jesus gave us Matthew 7:12. If you want your wife to treat you well, start by treating her well. Of course, she may wonder if you are cheating on her, nothing is ever easy.
---lorra8574 on 6/14/07

notlaw: That is the most unscriptural advice you could ever give.
---Madison1101 on 6/13/07

Quit arguing. "Stop, in the name of love, before you break your hearts, think it ooover".
You have argued for 10 years, you've probably said every ugly word you'll ever need to say to each other. If you never hear those old arguments again for the rest of your lives, it will be too soon. People only have so much argument in them, when the rubber bands break. Couples have to pick their disagreements wisely. There are only so many arguments you can have, before the sand runs out.
---MinnieMouse on 6/13/07

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Repeating the same cycles over and over, without a different result, is insanity - so they say.
Whatever the reasons for this constant arguing - spiritual, medical, environmental, it has to stop. Minds can handle only so much conflict before they snap. You both need help. Help from Jesus Christ is always free. The other kinds might cost you. Before you throw the towel in, find help that won't blow out your bank accounts.
---MinnieMouse on 6/13/07

Take help from Spiritual Couple who are doing good in their marriage.
---Srinivas on 6/13/07

I sound like you both have done an outstanding job for the last ten years of making each other miserable. Why don't you end this tragedy and Divorce. May be then you both might find more happiness single or meeting other people. Saying together for you both serves no Godly purpose.
---notlaw99 on 6/12/07

Pray first and foremost. Love her no matter what she says. Get yourself some counseling and see if she will join you in doing so. Get yourself into a discipleship relationship with a mature Christian guy who can guide you in your walk with Jesus. Keep praying and keep loving.
---Madison1101 on 6/12/07

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