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I Don't Like Being A Wife

I don't enjoy being a wife. I enjoy being alone with my children. My husband (father to the youngest) treats me well, but he must feel like such an outsider. I wish I had never gotten married. I know it's wrong, but I can't put him ahead of my children.

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 ---melissa on 6/15/07
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Melissa, I'm hoping by now you've gotten relief from this problem.

Kids sense EVERYTHING. Don't you think they would benefit by feeling the love between you and your husband? Don't you think they would benefit by the peace and calm that would fill your home if your husband felt a true part of your world?

I pray for your family.
---deb on 4/14/08

God told men to love their wives the same as they love and nurture their own selves. But the spirit that has over come the majority of which are self endulgent to the point that the family union has now broken down and women are competing so the roles have intergrated into a self serving society. The only thing that is stable is the relationship involving the saviour who is Christ the Lord, without him all is lost.
---Carla5754 on 4/14/08

I have never heard so many women say exactly the same thing in one week as I have heard recently very few women are happy with their spouses and equally NOW men are saying how things are changing with the roles of women. Without God there is no hope regardless of this There is Hope and that is in that one to one relationship we all have in Christ It's the only chance you have of finding everlasting peace and stability he's the one that keeps the mind heals and saves just in time It's good to know Christ
---Carla5754 on 4/14/08

I'm glad you know it's wrong. The way you treat eachother is the way your children will learn what marriage is about. If you at least love the children, get some Godly Christian counselling. Most churches offer it. Yours is a common problem that can be changed and all of you will benefit from that. And don't forget to pray, asking the Father to help you love him. God bless you all.
---john on 4/14/08

Dianne...Don't feel bad. Sometimes you can marry for love and wake up on morning and realize that you don't "like" the guy you love. People sure change after you marry them.
---Susie on 6/29/07

Man can I relate to you. I feel like I'm married to my kids instead almost and he is the outsider. We married not for love and I regret it but we made our bed so to speak. So we make the best of it.
---Dianne on 6/28/07

Romans 6:16
16Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?
---Matthew on 6/20/07

The spiritual "doorways" used by Satan to continue his oppression are opened by sin & closed by confession & renouncement of sin & then, not repeating the sin.

Bitterness, Resentment, Unforgiveness, Alcoholism & Rebellion are spirits of sin who work to get one to submit to them. Submission to these give them mastery to destroy lives.

What is usually considered to be thoughts & ideas of the person is really demon spirits injecting such thoughts into the person.
---a_servant on 6/20/07

Rom 6:16 whom you yield & obey, his servants ye are..

Having difficulty changing to do things God's way is one sign of demon spirit mastery influencing one to oppose God.

The spirits that lead one to sin must be opposed.

First, ask God to help you understand & lead you to correct information. After prayer, do an internet search for "Spiritual Warfare" to find more instruction.
---a_servant on 6/20/07

Examples of thoughts injected by demons impersonated as our own thoughts:

"I am a failure"
"I am ugly"
"I am worthless"
"I will never succeed"
"God does not love me"
"I am a misfit. No one cares about me."
"I am better than others"
"I am smarter than she is"
"I am more spiritual than they are"
"I don't need anyone else"
---a_servant on 6/20/07

"I have a right to do what I want with my life"
"Nobody is going to tell me what to do"
"I don't like them because . . ."
"I will never forgive them because . . ."
"I want them to suffer the way they made me suffer."
"I am better off dead"
"Nobody cares if I die anyway"
"They'll be sorry when I die"
"Why not drive my car head on into the oncoming traffic?"
---a_servant on 6/20/07

Someone said to close the door on the past. I always have felt that I forgave the abuser, but the situation was never dealt with, in that he was never "caught." I just avoided him and let everyone still think he was a normal person. I always felt robbed of normal, innocent feelings because he took them away from me. I know that affected the choices I made in relationships.
---melissa on 6/20/07

It seemed that it would have turned our family upside down and hurt too many people for me to reveal what he had done. He was also a drunk, and I always told myself that he must not have known what he was doing. Anyway, that door seems to be as closed as I know how to close it. The problem is that I can't forget.
---melissa on 6/20/07

As far as my ex-husband goes, he is still an alcoholic. Our children know this, and I am sure will have to deal with their feelings about that eventually. There is actually no real problem there. The kids visit him at his mother's home. We get along fine. It is just a fact that he is an alcoholic and was not a good husband and father when we were married. I had to learn to take care of everything, and it is now kind of hard to let go of that control with my present husband.
---melissa on 6/20/07

I was a single mom for years, and was accustomed to running my household. This is the problem in my marriage. It's difficult to stop controlling and trust my husband to do what is best financially or with disciplining the children etc. I feel like it is my responsibility. How do you, in your thirties, suddenly let someone else take the reins? My control of my family and home is a habit. I want to make the majority of the decisions for myself and my children. I don't need any help with that.
---melissa on 6/20/07

At the same time, I am saved and want to follow Jesus. Maybe that sounds ridiculous to some, but I truly love the Lord. I want to devote my life to Him, but obviously, all of these issues are in the way. My negative feelings get in the way of doing the best I can for Him. A useful member of the Body of Christ is what I truly want to be.
---melissa on 6/20/07

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Thank you for coming back into this discussion. It really helps us know how to talk with you. If you would like to email me you can. Susie6997 on this site. I suffered from much the same thoughts for many years and the Lord delivered me and led me into the ministry. God can heal your mind. He healed mine.
---Susie on 6/19/07

Melissa I don't want to offend you, but here is what I think. If it wasn't for your husband you wouldn't have children(I'm assuming they are your husband's) The Bible says to not deprive our spouse of our bodies and our love. Love is a choice Melissa. Also, God can change hearts. The only way things can be made is right is to start making an effort to love your husband and pray to God to help you change.
---Matthew on 6/19/07

I've seen hearts change over night. A change of how we see someone is not an impossible task for the Lord. He will help you love your husband but only if you want to let Him. You must give your husband your love. Please study what the Bible has to say what is expected of us in marriage, and pray for God to help you follow it.
---Matthew on 6/19/07

"I was abused as a child by a male family member"

This is a 'doorway' that Satan will continue to use to afflict you until it is closed. Bitterness, Resentment & Unforgiveness are the spirits he uses that travel in & out the door.

"my first husband was an alcoholic"

This generational 'doorway' is/will be used by the Alcoholism spirit to afflict your children/their children until closed.
---a_servant on 6/19/07

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Thanks again for your replies. I appreciate all of the godly advice. I am saved, but I know something is not right. One of you said that my situation sounded like a plan of Satan's. I have thought about that. Truly, Satan has kept me a captive to my emotions all of my life. He is not pleased that I am even trying to live for Jesus. Pray that I can overcome his attempts to pull me away in my own mind.
---melissa on 6/19/07

You married him, and now you want to back out? Something just is not right here, and there's more to this, I know. Think back to why you are in this situation.
---Wisdom_seeker on 6/18/07

God bless you Melissa; I am sooooo sorry about the abuse you suffered, and the depression and anxiety. You will be in my prayers, my dear. Also, I take medication for my anxiety and am just grateful as can be for it! :) Praying for you hon.
---Mary on 6/18/07

"I think if he was saved, things would be much different."

Acts 16:31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.

1 Cor 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not..
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife
16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband?

Get yourself saved (Spirit indwelling - Rom 8:9) and God will save your husband.
---a_servant on 6/18/07

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Melissa, I am sorry you are suffering as you are. But, some of it is self-imposed by your misconception that Christians should not need medication for depression. Many times, depression is biochemical, and requires correction through medication. It is not a matter of right or wrong, but what is wrong with your brain chemistry. If you were diabetic would you refuse insulin? The same is true with depression. If it is a chemical imbalance, why would you refuse help through medication?
---Madison1101 on 6/18/07

Gen 2:18 ..It is not good for the man to be by himself: I will make one like himself as a help to him.
1 Cor 11:9 was not made for the woman, but the woman for the man.

You were not made to be the lifelong helper or companion to your children. Your children will grow & abandon you for their own lives. You are setting yourself up for being lonely in your old age.

Your will is against God's will. This is what Satan would sponsor. You should seek God to help you right your attitude.
---a_servant on 6/18/07

Natural show forth the spiritual. If he is not the head of you and the kids then you also fight the will of jesus. You probably don't follow leadership well either. Pray and ask the lord to help you submitt your self to him.
---JEB on 6/18/07

I also have an unfortunate lack of faith and trust in men. I was abused as a child by a male family member, then my first husband was an alcoholic. I'm afraid that I find it very easy to lose respect for a man for any unfair failing on his part. I know I am not perfect either.
---melissa on 6/18/07

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I have been in counseling twice with short-lived results. Obviously, I fight depression, anxiety and stress. I have difficulty making decisions. I knew I didn't want to get married, but he really pushed me. It seemed like the right thing to do for the kids.
---melissa on 6/18/07

It seemed like God's will to make things right by marrying my baby's father, when she was conceived in sin. I did seek to provide an example of a godly marriage for my daughters, but I see now that it will never happen unless he gets saved.
---melissa on 6/18/07

My husband thinks I need medication for depression. I dislike people medicating themselves because of emotional problems. It seems that a Christian especially should not need medication for something like this. I would not want to be dependent on drugs to feel good and act "normal."
---melissa on 6/18/07

The apostle Paul said that some people should not marry. I think that I may be one of those people. I thank God for my children, but I have been damaged to where I can't be a good wife to anyone. I desire to be alone when they grow up and, hopefully, marry and be happy. I would like to focus on spiritual matters. I believe that divorce is not an option for a Christian. I am stuck.
---melissa on 6/18/07

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Only prayer can help me. I don't want medicine. Counseling has not helped permanently. I will not divorce my husband. I must just learn to be a better wife. I made this mistake. I think if he was saved, things would be much different.
---melissa on 6/18/07

Very interesting Raj, thank you for that perspective!
---NVBarbara on 6/17/07

It's interesting that you refer to the children as MY children. Apparently you view your husband and the father(s) of your other offspring as mere studs to meet your fertility needs. You treat your husband as an outsider, yet I'm sure you welcome the income he earns with open arms. Does the child suddenly become HIS child or OUR child when money needs to be spent? For your husband's sake, I can only hope that you will one day develop some maturity.
---ralph7477 on 6/17/07

Melissa...It would help if you would participate in this discussion.
---Susie on 6/16/07

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So, why did you marry Him? I hope it wasn't just for financial security. Marriage is a three-way union between husband, wife and God. If both parties' relationship with God is right, the marriage will flourish. If not, It won't. Without God, there is no marriage - only an arrangement. Do you have a marriage or an arrangement?
---Jerry on 6/16/07

Being a wife can be real hard at times, but when you become best friends and enjoy being with each other,the rest falls in place. Give him equal time. it will make your life complete and your children will grow up feeling loved by both parents. Don't be selfish,you keep them to yourself and leave out a very important player in their well being. Fathers are very important to a child. You need to strat praying with your family and let the Holy Spirit bring this all together for you.<
---Brenda on 6/16/07

A very good reason not to jump into marriage.
---catherine on 6/16/07

when you decided to get married was it because of the child ,were you force into it melisa have you tried to discuss this with him or is he dominering towards you remember god loves you for who you are not what others want you to be evely7875
---evelyn_everts on 6/16/07

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You said: "father to the youngest". Have you raised 1 child out of wedlock? This is not a judgement, but a focus on your past. You enjoy the company of children over adults- Did your father leave? are you surpressing painful memories from your past? Children experience only what we limit them to and nothing more, unless someone in their lives takes the initiative, such as your husband is doing. I pray that you will seek counseling for your own personal growth.
---Brian on 6/15/07

I can only tell you what my dad once told me,son thats your mom,but thats my wife,she comes first.its part of the forsaking all others in the vow.
---tom2 on 6/15/07

Melissa...How old is your youngest child? Are you possibly suffering from post-partum depression? Please see your doctor because what you are describing is depression.
---Susie on 6/15/07

A marriage is the highest physical relationship there is. The two are made one. It is likened to Christ and the church. To put any other physical relationship before that is unscriptural. You don't have a "death do you part" covenant with your children. If you take care of your marriage your children benefit far more than trying to raise them alone. Melissa is correct in her priorities.
---john on 6/15/07

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Honey..let me say first of all I do symphathize with your dilemma. Its hard to make yourself love someone that you don't. I can almost feel your pain. Perhaps you might seek counseling to try and hold the marriage together, for the sake of the kids, but this is a poor excuse to hold a union together. You say your spouse treats you well. That is something to want to hold onto, in itself. You don't find this a lot these days, especially. Everyone looking out for #1. So sad. More
---Robyn on 6/15/07

Your kids will not satisfy for long. They cannot do for you what a man or spouse can do. Kids are a poor substitute for a mature and loving relationship. When your kids grow up, what are you going to do when they want a man/woman of their own? Believe me, they will forget about you and cling to that man or woman. Honey, please do not be a fool. Learn to love this great guy for who he is. Ask the Lord to help you do this. And he will. More
---Robyn on 6/15/07

More: Why don't you enjoy being a wife? Have you explored your feelings about this? Are you and he born again Christians? Seek the Lord on this and let Him direct your path. A good man is hard to find these days. A lot of women are looking for any kind of man. If you really do not want to be a wife, release him and let him find true love with someone who truly loves him. He deserves better than what you are giving him. Some woman will appreciate and love him.
---Robyn on 6/15/07

Candice, the need for balance is very true.

Melissa, the relationship that you have with your husband will impact heavily on your children's future relationships. To encourage you, loving your husband and him vice-wersa is teaching them things about life that they will get from on where else. When they grow-up it will be harder for them to develop healthy relationships as adults. It is a blessing that you can give this to them now. John is right get some help and keep praying for your family.
---Marty on 6/15/07

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People say to put your husband first, or put your kids first or give this much love and time to whoever...what is wrong with giving everybody all your love? Forget dividing your love up like it was a pie. Just give ALL your love to ALL your family. Has your husband complained? Maybe all your worrying is for nothing! He might be perfectly happy with how things are.
---sue on 6/15/07

What you're going through is perfectly normal and he is unselfish if he treats you well inspite of it.

You've got to come to terms with your feeling of inadequacy. Its also normal. You are a great parent and a great wife. What man would not want to know that his wife is also protector and shiled to his kids? what man would not yearn for such security?
---Raj on 6/15/07

We as mothers seem to put children first if we stay at home.I have one daughter & 2 boys,the daughter came from 1rst marriage & the obys from this one, however sometimes I put her first above my husband,but we have to balance out our children & husbands,just like the husbands balance out jobs, us,children. it's life, & it's normal.
---candice on 6/15/07

My children's needs comes first before mine or my husbands. I will put myself on the back burner just to get what my kids need. I love being a wife, mother. At times it is rough, but we haven't gotten through it. I'm sorry I can't help, for I have never had the feelings you have now.
---Rebecca_D on 6/15/07

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I don't have personal experience with this but I would say you need to give this to God and let Him change your heart. You committed to your husband and God takes that seriously, you must too or else you wouldn't be sharing so honestly. My prayers are with you.
---maryj9396 on 6/15/07

I suggest you start praying for your husband and your marriage. A great place to start would be Stormie O'Martian's book, "The Power of Praying Wife."

I also suggest you consider dating your husband all over again. Go out for walks, and enjoy each other's company. Go for family picnics with everyone.

I also suggest you find an older Christian woman with whom you can develop a discipleship relationship. Study the Bible with her and pray with her about your marriage.
---Madison1101 on 6/15/07

No mother should put her husband or anyone else before her children. Adults/husbands can take care of themselves but those children depend on you for everything. You owe your husband respect and need to spend time with him. Marriage doesn't run smoothly by chance,you must work at it. Are you so selfish you think only of your feelings,or so lazy you won't put any effort into being a wife? Life is about choices and your's are immature,selfcentered,children need a father,think of them. Work at loving him.
---Darlene_1 on 6/15/07

Do you enjoy the roof over your childrens' heads that your husband's wallet provides?
---Billie on 6/15/07

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Today there is a new kind of marriage. It's called "serial marriage" where people get married several times because they are never satisfied. If you do not make an attitude adjustment in yourself, you are going this direction. It doesn't matter what you like. What matters is that you do what is right!
---Susie on 6/15/07

Maybe one day when you realize your marriage as a ministry to and from the Lord you will change your mind.
---Elder on 6/15/07

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